Holding firm on custody and visitation
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
Holding firm on custody and visitation
Hi SR -- still relatively new to this whole custody / visitation thing, was curious how much luck you've had holding firm to the written terms of your visitation agreements. What do I need to be worried about or looking out for? For reference I still have sole legal and physical custody, and AW is supposed to get supervised visitation on Saturdays for 4 hours...but she contacts at least every other day asking for more.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I think for right now, I would hold very firm to the written guidelines that are in place. There may be implications down the road if you don't follow them now, so soon, after working so hard to get them in place.
My ex never asked for more. He was inconsistent and that was difficult on the kids. From your child's standpoint - I would also say keeping to the guidelines is better instead of being all over the place, especially until she is more stable.
If she wants them changed she can contact her attorney. There are steps to go through to have visitation guidelines changed and you are not one of the steps.
I was wondering how you were doing. I'm glad to see your post.
My ex never asked for more. He was inconsistent and that was difficult on the kids. From your child's standpoint - I would also say keeping to the guidelines is better instead of being all over the place, especially until she is more stable.
If she wants them changed she can contact her attorney. There are steps to go through to have visitation guidelines changed and you are not one of the steps.
I was wondering how you were doing. I'm glad to see your post.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
I'm doing relatively OK, thanks. 
There's still drama, but baby steps. She moved into an apartment earlier this week. My stress level is way lower with not having to worry about what's going to happen when I come home at night. The custody / visitation order is still temporary until the next court hearing, which is a few weeks away.
There's still drama, but baby steps. She moved into an apartment earlier this week. My stress level is way lower with not having to worry about what's going to happen when I come home at night. The custody / visitation order is still temporary until the next court hearing, which is a few weeks away.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Arizona
Posts: 153
I have no experience with this myself, I don't have kids.. BUT, some good advice I've come across through friends is to keep a log of visitation. Meaning, keeping track of the ex-spouses or soon to be ex's time table with the kids.. Are they dropping them off early... are they missing their assigned days, are they canceling for no good reason.. ( a good example in your case might be she's too drunk to see the kids) Anything that varies from what's ordered by the court should be written down and dated.
The above advice was from friends in my abuse group. Most of them had abusive spouses who just wanted to fight for custody, not because they gave a crap about the kids, but just to be nasty. However I think it's still good advice in any case where trust is limited with the other person.
The above advice was from friends in my abuse group. Most of them had abusive spouses who just wanted to fight for custody, not because they gave a crap about the kids, but just to be nasty. However I think it's still good advice in any case where trust is limited with the other person.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
BTDT, with a mentally unstable ex. My advice is to hold absolutely to the letter and intent of the agreement. To do otherwise jeopardizes both parents' custody/visitation rights. Also, keep a log book of all communication.
Are these things spelled out in the agreement:
Who's doing the supervision?
Where?
How will the timeline be maintained?
For the benefit of your child, it should be a slow introduction, and a quick goodbye (lingering on the front step haranguing you about your parenting skills is not healthy, kwim?)
Hold strong, trust your instincts! It is an excellent sign that she is consistently asking to see your kid more. In the future, that could happen. But right now, stick to that document like white on rice. It is a legal document; if you disregard it, it can be changed, and maybe not in your favor.
Good luck!
- Sylvie
Are these things spelled out in the agreement:
Who's doing the supervision?
Where?
How will the timeline be maintained?
For the benefit of your child, it should be a slow introduction, and a quick goodbye (lingering on the front step haranguing you about your parenting skills is not healthy, kwim?)
Hold strong, trust your instincts! It is an excellent sign that she is consistently asking to see your kid more. In the future, that could happen. But right now, stick to that document like white on rice. It is a legal document; if you disregard it, it can be changed, and maybe not in your favor.
Good luck!
- Sylvie
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Central Texas
Posts: 63
Yes, all of the above suggestions are good.
I have just been through this, so definitely DOCUMENT everything.
Also, my ex was also asking for more time, but he really couldn't handle it. He eventually stopped calling for a while and OD'd on pills and went to jail and the hospital a bunch of times. It was hard keeping the kids away from him, it made me feel like a *****, but I stuck to what I knew - that the safety of my children was the most important thing to me.
Now on the other side of all that, my relationship with my kids is awesome and stable. We are feeling good. And the ex realizes that he wasn't in any state to parent the children alone...
Me and the kids are relocating out of state, the ex approved of the move, and I am glad to be getting on with our lives. It is unclear what his role will be in his children's lives down the road, but we are just taking things one day at a time
I have just been through this, so definitely DOCUMENT everything.
Also, my ex was also asking for more time, but he really couldn't handle it. He eventually stopped calling for a while and OD'd on pills and went to jail and the hospital a bunch of times. It was hard keeping the kids away from him, it made me feel like a *****, but I stuck to what I knew - that the safety of my children was the most important thing to me.
Now on the other side of all that, my relationship with my kids is awesome and stable. We are feeling good. And the ex realizes that he wasn't in any state to parent the children alone...
Me and the kids are relocating out of state, the ex approved of the move, and I am glad to be getting on with our lives. It is unclear what his role will be in his children's lives down the road, but we are just taking things one day at a time
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Stick, stick, stick to the schedule.
Also -- don't engage. Tell AW that you intend to stick by the court-ordered schedule and that she can stop asking for adjustments -- period. Then when she contacts you about changes anyway -- don't respond.
Also -- don't engage. Tell AW that you intend to stick by the court-ordered schedule and that she can stop asking for adjustments -- period. Then when she contacts you about changes anyway -- don't respond.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i would hold firm to the agreement...it communicates that you mean business to her...that her old tactics simply will not work anymore...
everytime i gave in to my xABF and his pleas, promises, sad eyes, sob story, he got his foot in the door and we were back to square one very quickly.
for myself, i needed some distance and space from his to see things clearly. having your wife underfoot and back in the picture might not be the best for YOUR recovery.
everytime i gave in to my xABF and his pleas, promises, sad eyes, sob story, he got his foot in the door and we were back to square one very quickly.
for myself, i needed some distance and space from his to see things clearly. having your wife underfoot and back in the picture might not be the best for YOUR recovery.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Just say no. Jay, if you give even an inch you are in for a world of hurt. You absolutely must hold firm to the order. Alcoholics, given any chance to manipulate at all latch on like an eagle to a salmon and that's the end of the salmon.
You may also consider telling her that if she continues to ask you will inform the court.
Cyranoak
You may also consider telling her that if she continues to ask you will inform the court.
Cyranoak
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I have a lot of experience with this in my role in the courts. The schedule has been determined IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD. (which has been your focus all along)
Stick to it.
You're doing GREAT! I'm glad you posted. I've been thinking about you and your little family.
Stick to it.
You're doing GREAT! I'm glad you posted. I've been thinking about you and your little family.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Sorry, but I have to disagree and go against the grain here. Since your child is so young, it could be detrimental to his psyche to be 'torn away' from his primary caregiver. It could cause some "attachment issues" later down the road. I believe, and I think most psychologists would agree, that the more time he spend with EACH of you, the better. I think the more visits there are the better it is for the child as long as the visits are supervised properly.
Just my $0.02.
Just my $0.02.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
If you feel that the requests are manipulation and you don't feel comfortable with her having more time right now...you have the perfect "out." This is what the court mandated and you intend to obey the court.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
Stay strong, my friend.
The current custody is "temporary", right? And it is the consequence to STBXW's behavior, right? Politely remind her it is a valid court order, and soon there will be a permanent order in place.
Have a nice day.
Remember: They quack, they lie, they manipulate. It is all about them. She wants more visitation for HER! It helps her feel better about her. There is no way she has changed in this short amount of time. Well, ok. It is possible. It is possible she is the one in 10,000,000 alcoholics who can flick the switch and be cured. But it is most unlikely.
She is simply looking for leverage, trying to get a foot in the door. If she can't get a foot, a crowbar will work. If not a crowbar, a screwdriver. Anything.
The current custody is "temporary", right? And it is the consequence to STBXW's behavior, right? Politely remind her it is a valid court order, and soon there will be a permanent order in place.
Have a nice day.
Remember: They quack, they lie, they manipulate. It is all about them. She wants more visitation for HER! It helps her feel better about her. There is no way she has changed in this short amount of time. Well, ok. It is possible. It is possible she is the one in 10,000,000 alcoholics who can flick the switch and be cured. But it is most unlikely.
She is simply looking for leverage, trying to get a foot in the door. If she can't get a foot, a crowbar will work. If not a crowbar, a screwdriver. Anything.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
