Death of My Son
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Drexel Hill Pa
Posts: 11
Death of My Son
My 32 year old son passed away last month after a relapse that followed amost one year of sobriety. He had gone to Florida in 2003 thinking he could start over, but took his problems with him. He returned home last summer, wanting to be with his family and friends again. His year of sobriety was mostly spent serving the balance of a probation violation, a result of his decision to leave the state while on probation. When he was released he reconnected with friends who are now responsible family men, and they welcomed him and invited him to their homes. He found a couple of jobs, made plans to work on getting his life back on track, and although he stressed over everything, it looked good. After about six weeks of freedom I could not reach him on his phone one Saturday. Since we spoke often every day I knew something was wrong, went to his place and found him. He had been gone since the early morning and it was late afternoon. I found a single empty bag that had contained heroin, and a needle. Based on my experience with his addiction, I concluded that this was his relapse bag.
He and his older brother got into Oxycontin sometime after their mother and I separated in 1997, and both moved on to heroin. I chased them both around for years, once following his brother who was buying heroin for both of them, to the city, taking the bags from him as he returned to his car, and giving him a choice of treatment or arrest. On the day we buried his brother he reminded me that seven years ago that same day was the day I took him to treatment.
I find myself going over everything about my relationship with my sons and trying to figure out my role in this. I guess it's just too fresh at this point and I need to have some time to process this. I'm going over my conversations with my son in the few days before his death and wondering if I missed something, or worse, if I said something that hurt him. His experiences after returning home seemed to be so positive. He had much to live for. I have an empty feeling in my gut.
He and his older brother got into Oxycontin sometime after their mother and I separated in 1997, and both moved on to heroin. I chased them both around for years, once following his brother who was buying heroin for both of them, to the city, taking the bags from him as he returned to his car, and giving him a choice of treatment or arrest. On the day we buried his brother he reminded me that seven years ago that same day was the day I took him to treatment.
I find myself going over everything about my relationship with my sons and trying to figure out my role in this. I guess it's just too fresh at this point and I need to have some time to process this. I'm going over my conversations with my son in the few days before his death and wondering if I missed something, or worse, if I said something that hurt him. His experiences after returning home seemed to be so positive. He had much to live for. I have an empty feeling in my gut.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Joe,
My heart goes out to you, I am sorry you lost your son. Your reactions are normal but you have to understand that you are trying to make sense of a senseless act. Your son is an addict and that is why he died, no more and no less.
Having lost a few of the people closest to me I have a sense of what you feel. Be good to yourself, grief is a long process but you will come to a place of some peace, a truce of sorts with life. For me, I ultimately came to accept that my pain was a direct measure of the love I had for them.
My prayers go out to you and your family.
My heart goes out to you, I am sorry you lost your son. Your reactions are normal but you have to understand that you are trying to make sense of a senseless act. Your son is an addict and that is why he died, no more and no less.
Having lost a few of the people closest to me I have a sense of what you feel. Be good to yourself, grief is a long process but you will come to a place of some peace, a truce of sorts with life. For me, I ultimately came to accept that my pain was a direct measure of the love I had for them.
My prayers go out to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 134
My heart is so heavy for you Joe, you love your son, please do not allow thoughts of whether or not you said anything to hurt him to torture you. We live in a broken world ... I am praying that you will find peace .... please dwell on every good memory you have of him and let the rest go
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Joe
Welcome to SR.....although what brings you here is so very painful and tragic. I hope you will feel wrapped in our love and find comfort in knowing that there are many other parents here in SR who understand that you are living what we all fear most.
Words don't seem to be enough to express how profoundly sad it is to hear that drugs have taken yet another young life. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
You are not alone. You and your family will be in my prayers today.
very gentle hugs for you
ke
Welcome to SR.....although what brings you here is so very painful and tragic. I hope you will feel wrapped in our love and find comfort in knowing that there are many other parents here in SR who understand that you are living what we all fear most.
Words don't seem to be enough to express how profoundly sad it is to hear that drugs have taken yet another young life. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
You are not alone. You and your family will be in my prayers today.
very gentle hugs for you
ke
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
Joe,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. I just finished reading a book called *Beautiful Boy* by David Sheff. It is the story of a father's journey with his son's addiction. I think this book may help with some of your questions you may have about the part you think you might have played in his addiction.
How is your older Son doing? Is he in treatment? It might not be the most approporiate time to ask I assume, but since you mentioned him and the day he went to treatment I thought I would ask about him.
You and your family are in my thoughts, please come back to SR and read, and post...we are here for you.....
I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. I just finished reading a book called *Beautiful Boy* by David Sheff. It is the story of a father's journey with his son's addiction. I think this book may help with some of your questions you may have about the part you think you might have played in his addiction.
How is your older Son doing? Is he in treatment? It might not be the most approporiate time to ask I assume, but since you mentioned him and the day he went to treatment I thought I would ask about him.
You and your family are in my thoughts, please come back to SR and read, and post...we are here for you.....
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 26
My heart breaks for you. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have friends who have lost children to heroin, and the horror is crippling. I will pray for you and your family. I pray you find peace and healing. God bless you.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Dear Joe
I can't tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I can imagine the thoughts that are going through your mind. What can we do? This is their destiny. i cannot tell you how many times I planned my son's funeral in my mind. It's horrible.
Please try not to blame yourself or think you missed something. The blame belongs to the people who sell and/or manufacture these drugs. You could not have stopped him even if you had been standing right there.
Know that he is at peace now. Take care of yourself and your other child. My prayers are with you.
Hugs, Devastated
I can't tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I can imagine the thoughts that are going through your mind. What can we do? This is their destiny. i cannot tell you how many times I planned my son's funeral in my mind. It's horrible.
Please try not to blame yourself or think you missed something. The blame belongs to the people who sell and/or manufacture these drugs. You could not have stopped him even if you had been standing right there.
Know that he is at peace now. Take care of yourself and your other child. My prayers are with you.
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Drexel Hill Pa
Posts: 11
Thank you for all your kind words. I came onto this site to look for a few situations like mine to help me work out some answers to questions that my son will never be able to give me. I started to write and it felt better. I was amazed at the number of replies that I received so quickly.
My oldest son has been sober for seven years now. He is married and I am a grandfather to two wonderful little boys. I remember thinking that I may lose both of my sons to their heroin addiction back in 2002.
MissTara I actually have read "Beautiful Boy" after receiving a copy from a friend. I still have the book and would probably benefit from reading it again. It has been a long time.
I have to make peace with knowing that I tried to do my best to help my son. There are things I could have done better, but I don't know how it would have effected the outcome.
Thanks to all of you for being so kind and supportive to me.
My oldest son has been sober for seven years now. He is married and I am a grandfather to two wonderful little boys. I remember thinking that I may lose both of my sons to their heroin addiction back in 2002.
MissTara I actually have read "Beautiful Boy" after receiving a copy from a friend. I still have the book and would probably benefit from reading it again. It has been a long time.
I have to make peace with knowing that I tried to do my best to help my son. There are things I could have done better, but I don't know how it would have effected the outcome.
Thanks to all of you for being so kind and supportive to me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am so sorry about your son. God has him now. may he rest in peace. i want you to know that this is not your fault. nothing you could have said or done would have stopped your son from using. please take care of yourself. it seems so pointless when we lose our addicts like this, especially our child. we are all hear for you. i am so sorry.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Joe
You may find some of the answers to some of your questions here and you may not. I think, as the parents to an addict, we need to know (and be reminded time and again) that we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. There is nothing about addiction that makes any sense at all.
If love could cure our beloved children, not one of us would be here.
Even if you don't find the answers you are looking for, you will find lots of love and support here on SR. You will also find that as you participate on the forum, you may be able to help someone else who is dealing with the addiction of their loved one or, God forbid, like you, the loss of their child to this insideous disease. There is healing in helping others.
Your loss is so recent and your pain so deep right now. Lean on us.
gentle hugs
ke
You may find some of the answers to some of your questions here and you may not. I think, as the parents to an addict, we need to know (and be reminded time and again) that we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it. There is nothing about addiction that makes any sense at all.
If love could cure our beloved children, not one of us would be here.
Even if you don't find the answers you are looking for, you will find lots of love and support here on SR. You will also find that as you participate on the forum, you may be able to help someone else who is dealing with the addiction of their loved one or, God forbid, like you, the loss of their child to this insideous disease. There is healing in helping others.
Your loss is so recent and your pain so deep right now. Lean on us.
gentle hugs
ke
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