bratnik

Thanks everyone for your kind welcomes. It's great to have a safe place.

Home and waiting for my spouse to arrive home from his work trip. Probably one of the only times I have been completely sober and not trying to cover up my drinking from earlier. Well, he is delayed for who knows how long.

I see a pattern with me when I quit (and start again), a lot of it has to do with being thrown off. While working on my sobriety, the minute something throws me off, the knee jerk reaction (not even conscious) is to drink and I can't do that now. I know I can take the dog for a walk, etc - but the root of my problem is the minute something goes amiss, I immediately turn to a drink.

Does anyone else experience this? I am ok when I have control but the minute life throws me a curve I'm back to the old habits, which is why my sobriety never lasts that long. I'm not a controlling or neurotic or Type A person, but when I have control over myself and have no control over something else, the something else gets me to want to drink.

I know I sound weak, but I'm super vulnerable right now..does anyone else understand this? Any advice anyone has would be great. Thanks.

c49

I turn to chocolate

Anna

You have to let go of trying to control things.

There is really very, very little in life that we can control. We can control how we react to things that happen around us, but beyond that, it's out of our control.

c49

Aside from chocolate, I like to exercise, or use in combination

For years I drank and drank to relieve the stress and it turns out that exercise is just as effective. 1 major difference with exercising though... you get your hangover before your reward. That is, the gasping for air and fatigue in your muscles is your hangover and the endorphins you feel at the end is a worthy reward.

Dee74

My need to control everything in my life ended with me drinking all day everyday in kind of a beige haze.

I needed to learn that there are many things I can't control - and many things I needed to let go of - and that it was ok.

It was a gradual transition for me - it's not a sudden change but a process - the more I let go of stuff and nothing bad happened the more I got used to it, and the less I had that impulse to drink

D

FNB3

I think I understand what you meant in that if you are not mentally prepared for something then it throws you off and leads you to drink?

I can understand that. "letting go" doesn't mean we don't have some controll over how we react to certain people and situations, as Anna stated, and doesn't mean that we are just out there to have our behavior completely driven by the actions of others.

One thing I try to do is never be a "victim". It's not easy but it not hard either. It just takes some training and confidence. I see many people that could ruin my day if I let them. Just empower yourself that you will make good decisions about what you can and pray to whatever your Higher Power is to help you with what you can't.

LaFemme

I think the trick to staging sober is in part learning how to not get thrown around by life and the things you can't control.

I'm pretty sure most of us have had this problem to some extent.

I worked at dissassociation quite a bit when first sober...it gave me some space to figure stuff out...now I can more or less go with the flow...things happen...I have no control...I adapt.

It gets easier

stanleyhouse

For me when things changed it was always another opportunity to sneak another drink. In the beginning I noticed the thought a lot, but concentrated on how much of my life I had given up hiding and drinking. Turn it into a negative and maybe you will feel revulsion everytime you realize this is a time you would have grabbed a drink.
Congratulations on your first work trip sober. That's a big deal and a huge accomplishment. I know exactly what you were thinking when your spouse said they were going to be late. Stay strong.
SH

Zebra1275

There is a powerful story in the Big Book on Acceptance. One of the paragraphs in that story, "And acceptance is the answer . . " is one of my favorite parts of the BB, it's read at a lot of AA meetings.

FNB3

Another thing that comes to mind here is empathy. So much of the loss of control over my own reactions comes from personalizing way too much from others. Eventually you figure out that, when it comes to others actions, often these people aren't even thinking about you at all and if they are they aren't thinking of you too much.

If you can empathize with others you can accept what they are doing, like it or not, and at least have peace about it.

Eddiebuckle

I absolutely get that - it was the scariest part of early sobriety for me: my "escape hatch" had been taken away. I was pretty stable and craving-free until something upsetting happened (real or imagined).

When I was in treatment I heard many times about "abstinence" as opposed to "sobriety." At the time it sounded like pure BS, I figured these people with many years sobriety were just trying to sell me on this whole recovery thing, trying to make a distinction of sobriety as some kind of abstinence plus magic. Kind of like "if you do it our way, you'll have the magic. If you ignore us, you'll be miserable." Needless to say, I was pretty skeptical, even after 6 weeks of treatment and being force fed on this whole recovery thing. And then I went home... and I no longer had the structured environment, surrounded by people who were more or less the same as me. Upon returning home, life was just as chaotic as before but I no longer had alcohol to keep it at bay. Plus the whole part of avoiding people, places and things that related to alcohol.

The answer for me was the spiritual part of AA. I'm not suggesting that AA is the only way to sobriety, just that it worked for me. It was in slowly understanding how that "fairy dust" stuff they were telling me about in treatment actually applied to me and my life. It's about learning how to be present. Not in control of life, not at the mercy of what each new day brings, but being present to what occurs. Nobody is ever going to live long enough to master it, but if you work at it, you'll have enough to face up to what life throws at you without having to retreat into a bottle for refuge.

One book that I really enjoyed reading that gave a lot of insight on this was The Spirituality of Imperfection by Ernest Kurtz. I highly recommend it.

sonrisa

The view I am trying to adopt: I can't control what happens, but I can control how I react. It is what it is, now... What do I need to do? Or what can I do? Writing or talking to a friend is so helpful when I'm having a hard time dealing with emotions. I like to walk, clean or play a computer game that requires concentration, to distract my thoughts.

EmeraldRose

Congratulations on staying sober.

As far as the getting thrown off thing, I have (how can I explain this) spent time in early recovery trying to get right down to my core being. I have done alot of thinking and realizing about myself and what I am. What my life involves and what is really important (to me). I try to focus on my life and what I need to do to be successfull -as what I perceive as successfull. Things that unexpectedly come into my life have to be evaulated -just as I was evaluated in rehab. How important is this to me? How will it affect my life? Does it need immediate attention? The best natural healing is time and patience. I try to have both with things that I have no control over. I believe that things happen for a reason...if something is thrown at me I need to look at it and consider its 'function' in my life. Sometimes we think 'negative' right away because we feel the loss of power over something. But if we stop and think about it -it could be used positively -possibly.
Changing your thought process over situations will greatly help you to overcome these things that we feel powerless over.
At least it does for me. I no longer feel like I have to hide behind a bottle over something in my life I'm uncomfortable with.