Dealing with A's other than a spouse
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
Dealing with A's other than a spouse
I was just wondering how you guys deal with other A's in your life. I have a few and since I do not live with them, I feel I can deal with thier quacking and nonsense better. I guess my question is, is it fair of me to treat my AH differently than other A's in my life?
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I think, lately, I've been hypersensitive to the A's in my life. I have so much detachment with all of them, I hardly have a relationship at all with any of them. There is a guy at work who is obviously an A, and I like the guy but when he stands next to me, I can smell it coming from his pores, and I see his shakes, and I'm thankful that's all the time I have to spend with him, ever.
So my answer to your question is that I really don't deal with them at all.
So my answer to your question is that I really don't deal with them at all.
Many of my A family members (cousins, Aunt) do not live near me, so I do not have to live with their drama by default.....the "easy way out" so to speak.
The qualifier that brought me to the boards is my A stepson. I have no direct experience with an A significant other. It seems to me when talking with my husband, he does treat his AS differently than he treated his late AW. He did not understand about boundaries then, and she basically manipulated the heck out of him, as he tells it. Mr. HG and I both went to Al-Anon together and learned what we could do to protect our sanity and property from his AS, so there are strong boundaries in place with him.
That's about all I've got......sorry it couldn't be more useful!
Hugs, HG
The qualifier that brought me to the boards is my A stepson. I have no direct experience with an A significant other. It seems to me when talking with my husband, he does treat his AS differently than he treated his late AW. He did not understand about boundaries then, and she basically manipulated the heck out of him, as he tells it. Mr. HG and I both went to Al-Anon together and learned what we could do to protect our sanity and property from his AS, so there are strong boundaries in place with him.
That's about all I've got......sorry it couldn't be more useful!
Hugs, HG
I don't know if the A's would count it 'fair', in fact I know XAH doesn't think that it's fair that I've been amenable to seeing my RA uncle or have been accepting of support from an RA friend, but yet I left him (XAH) because he was drinking... He doesn't get the Recovering part - but then he still says he doesn't have a problem.
The relationship with a spouse is different than a relationship with a co-worker, relative, friend, etc. One has different expectations and responsibilities (that's not quite the right word - commitments-?) for a spouse. So it's only normal that our reactions are different.
I'm completely not surprised that I can detach or at least react differently when dealing with my uncle than I did/do with from XAH. I did not have to witness my uncle's drinking on a daily basis. However, I had to deal with XAH's drinking and he expected me to be OK with it on a daily basis, and I dealt directly with the fall out.
The relationship with a spouse is different than a relationship with a co-worker, relative, friend, etc. One has different expectations and responsibilities (that's not quite the right word - commitments-?) for a spouse. So it's only normal that our reactions are different.
I'm completely not surprised that I can detach or at least react differently when dealing with my uncle than I did/do with from XAH. I did not have to witness my uncle's drinking on a daily basis. However, I had to deal with XAH's drinking and he expected me to be OK with it on a daily basis, and I dealt directly with the fall out.
The 3 Cs extend to anyone else,
we can't cure anyone
we can't control anyone
we didn't cause the issues of anyone else...
Since I left the XABF I don't interact with addicts. Neighbor has a party with drunks? I use earplugs. A party is organized at the home I live in? I leave. No one else in my family is an addict thank HP. I sometimes go to bar or so but this happens twice a year. Once a coworker was drunk and started acting friendly with me. I said "I have to go" and left to talk to someone else.
My life has improved very much since I am aware of, alcoholics, drunks, jerks, toxic people, and avoid them. I believe when you feel better about yourself they don't "appear" as much as they did before. I guess they don't sense you want to listen to them, hug them, kiss them, drink with them, try to fix their issues, listen to their BS, sleep with them... so why would they talk to you if they can't get anything from you..?
I don't know if you are talking about other members of your family but I would recommend no contact or very limited contact... just because they are ducks you don't have to listen them quack.
we can't cure anyone
we can't control anyone
we didn't cause the issues of anyone else...
Since I left the XABF I don't interact with addicts. Neighbor has a party with drunks? I use earplugs. A party is organized at the home I live in? I leave. No one else in my family is an addict thank HP. I sometimes go to bar or so but this happens twice a year. Once a coworker was drunk and started acting friendly with me. I said "I have to go" and left to talk to someone else.
My life has improved very much since I am aware of, alcoholics, drunks, jerks, toxic people, and avoid them. I believe when you feel better about yourself they don't "appear" as much as they did before. I guess they don't sense you want to listen to them, hug them, kiss them, drink with them, try to fix their issues, listen to their BS, sleep with them... so why would they talk to you if they can't get anything from you..?
I don't know if you are talking about other members of your family but I would recommend no contact or very limited contact... just because they are ducks you don't have to listen them quack.
ooh boy do i understand that question....and you hit the nail on the head...it is easier to deal with OUTSIDE A's than our own, especially if living with them...because its constant, constant in our face, constant quacking, constant DENIAL
we do need to teach ourselves that the A's are just that...the disease effects everyone in so many ways...
my A was loving, caring, compassionate..<<WHEN HE GETS HIS WAY...as soon as i apply my AL ANON? he bailed...I changed my enabling ways...was not benefit for him anymore..
i do not treat my A's in my life different, i treat them with respect, but i do get how hard it is...
we do need to teach ourselves that the A's are just that...the disease effects everyone in so many ways...
my A was loving, caring, compassionate..<<WHEN HE GETS HIS WAY...as soon as i apply my AL ANON? he bailed...I changed my enabling ways...was not benefit for him anymore..
i do not treat my A's in my life different, i treat them with respect, but i do get how hard it is...
LaTeeDa nailed it - this isn't about fair, it's about choice. You choose not to live your life tethered to someone who is an active alcoholic. I assume these other people are relationships or acquaintences that are of an "arms length" nature where it is possible and normal for you to not spend most of your time, money and emtional capital invested in ther life choices.
I am unfair to other alcoholics.
I think I take out my anger towards AXH on them.
I work with a woman who comes to work drunk some days. I've talked to HR about it because her alcoholism is a liability -- she represents the company in meetings and negotiations and sits on a metric sh*t ton of confidential information. They say "well, let's wait and see how it goes." Yeah, let's. Because as we all know, if there are just no consequences to being an alcoholic and showing up to work drunk, the problem goes away. I avoid working with her, and request another person in her department when I need their expertise.
And the homeless drunks infuriate me, too. I live 50 yards from a gorgeous park and a bike trail, and I can't let my kids go to the park or go biking on their own because the woods are full of homeless drunks who defecate in the park and accost people on the trail.
Should I have more compassion for these people? Probably. But I don't. Right now, I'm pissed off at alcoholics everywhere for ruining their own lives and the lives of other people Even though I know, they might have very limited control over their disease.
I think I take out my anger towards AXH on them.
I work with a woman who comes to work drunk some days. I've talked to HR about it because her alcoholism is a liability -- she represents the company in meetings and negotiations and sits on a metric sh*t ton of confidential information. They say "well, let's wait and see how it goes." Yeah, let's. Because as we all know, if there are just no consequences to being an alcoholic and showing up to work drunk, the problem goes away. I avoid working with her, and request another person in her department when I need their expertise.
And the homeless drunks infuriate me, too. I live 50 yards from a gorgeous park and a bike trail, and I can't let my kids go to the park or go biking on their own because the woods are full of homeless drunks who defecate in the park and accost people on the trail.
Should I have more compassion for these people? Probably. But I don't. Right now, I'm pissed off at alcoholics everywhere for ruining their own lives and the lives of other people Even though I know, they might have very limited control over their disease.
I got lucky on that one.
I got drunk in front of everyone
hit bottom in front of everyone
and got sober in front of everyone.
ALmost everyone who knows me in Butte
(a small town that thinks it's a big city)
Knows I'm sober
and they keep away from me
kinda like wearing a shield of AA -
it naturally repulses the worst of them.
THere's those who don't know
(like the guy across the hall a couple of weeks ago)
who quickly learn that I walk my talk
with my sobriety
and there's no 'ways in' for them to sneak through.
But when they come to me for help
I have the time and the energy
to get them where they need to be -
which, *I* believe in and of itself
is what frightens the very bad ones
so much.
That I know a way out
and used it.
SO for that I am grateful.
I don't believe there is a 'fair' way to treat those
whose actions put us on the defense
or frighten us.
Our feelings and fears are valid
and I honor mine
by not allowing that in my circle any longer.
Just how I do it.
I got drunk in front of everyone
hit bottom in front of everyone
and got sober in front of everyone.
ALmost everyone who knows me in Butte
(a small town that thinks it's a big city)
Knows I'm sober
and they keep away from me
kinda like wearing a shield of AA -
it naturally repulses the worst of them.
THere's those who don't know
(like the guy across the hall a couple of weeks ago)
who quickly learn that I walk my talk
with my sobriety
and there's no 'ways in' for them to sneak through.
But when they come to me for help
I have the time and the energy
to get them where they need to be -
which, *I* believe in and of itself
is what frightens the very bad ones
so much.
That I know a way out
and used it.
SO for that I am grateful.
I don't believe there is a 'fair' way to treat those
whose actions put us on the defense
or frighten us.
Our feelings and fears are valid
and I honor mine
by not allowing that in my circle any longer.
Just how I do it.
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