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Day 5 and New

Old 06-09-2011, 01:09 PM
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Day 5 and New

Hello SR Community. I just spend an hour writing my story and realized I wasn't logged in. If it happens to show two of my posts, they are duplicated but rewritten. Funny enough - when I couldn't retrieve my first post after all of that writing I was frustrated and saying "it must be a sign that this is not for me" but I'm determined to win this fight this time around, so I rewrite.

I just found this website yesterday and have been reading it ever since. I find it amazing that there is a community out there who knows exactly what I am feeling and have experienced. This is very hard for me - I actually feel like someone is going to read my story and know who I am - but it's a leap I have to take in order to help myself.

I have been a heavy drinker (fun Sally) since I was about 25 (39). I grew up in a small town in the midwest, put myself through college and went to the big city for a career in finance. I was surrounded by a male workforce and always had to prove myself. I found I earned the most respect by going out with the boys/bosses after work and keeping up with them and their drinking, and this impressed them more so than my hard work and great job performance. I had alot of fun and became successful in my career. It seemed all under control - I was running, did a marathon (actually drank a beer in the middle of it to "show off" to my friends) and seemed to be fine. This went on for about 6 years. Work, party, work, party. Coke and ex, clubs after work. In those times I found myself in many compromising situations and for the grace of God, came out unharmed. The drugs ended when I hit 30 but it was still work work work and go out with friends when I wasn't working,

I have been married a few years to a wonderful man. After I married I became extremely depressed - I was always so independent and never pictured myself married to begin with, the financial markets went in the toilet, I lost my identity in my career, and my husband travelled extensively. All of a sudden I felt lost and alone. I still had my friends but with my depression I never wanted to go out anymore, so I found myself drinking alone at home most nights. A bottle of wine here, 2 bottles there. I started therapy and meds and continued with my drinking. That was disastrous and led to many embarrassing moments when I would be out. I would leave the restaurant in the middle of a friend's birthday dinner. I would act like a mess at a friend's party. I would wake up worrying whom I upset this time and what I said. Almost always a blackout but managed to get home every time. I have some very supportive friends who stuck by me - through all this I even though I was acting selfishly, when I wasn't in a binge I was putting everyone else first. I guess that helped and harmed me both.

History: My father was an alcoholic most of my childhood and a raging one for about 5 years before he sought treatment. He was sober for 15 years before relapsing which ultimately lead to his death in detox. My last vision of him was in a diaper on life support being pumped full of morphine and us having to pull the plug. You would think that would be enough, right? Nope.

The past three years my drinking has become worse. I went for a physical about 3 years ago and my liver count was high. My Dr. was very disgusted by it (we didn't really have a relationship) and acted very judgmental (sp?). I was already depressed and embarrassed enough by my drinking and to have this reaction from someone I was to trust made me crawl into a hole. After two weeks of not drinking i had another test and it was back to normal but he was the same. I haven't been to a GP since and have a new hatred for them.

Due to the financial crisis I lost my job. I started drinking more. My husband travels ALOT for his job so I had all of this time at home by myself. He doesn't know the extent of it, although he knows I have a problem with alcohol. It has gotten very bad a couple of times, the fighting when I'm drunk...etc. But he doesn't even know the amount I REALLY drink. We moved recently and I am in a house all day. So, I turned to wine as my companion. I started drinking in the morning, afternoon, passing out, drinking more at night. Lately, I have been feeling a pain in my right side and I'm sure it's my liver. He doesn't know - I can't tell him. I'm afraid to go to a Dr. because of the last reaction from the previous Dr. But I know I have to go. I have been reading posts and find encouragement that there ARE Drs who are compassionate and don't judge. I am now ready to go. I'm scared of having this on my record if there is something wrong, though.

Most people and friends know me as "she likes her wine" and I have made myself a fool many times in front of people. I have confessed to my good friends (whom already know) my situation and they have been supportive. My friends are all drinkers - but they can stop at 2. I can't. Now that I am alone in a new city, I don't have to worry about anyone seeing me so I stay home and drink. On the outside, I look like a normal suburban housewife. When I leave the house I wear my makeup and dress well and look my best, but when I don't leave the house (sometimes for days) I look horrible.

I have been living in a closed-hell for months. I obsess about my drinking and what it is doing to me and my health. I have a huge secret from my husband about the amount I really drink. I stop drinking before he comes home from his trips. We drink quite a bit together because we love food and wine. But he can stop or not drink at all. I keep a pretty good handle on it when he is here, but when he is gone, I go crazy. I can go without when he is here or we have company, but the minute I am alone, the binge begins.

Sunday I decided to stop. Luckily, I haven't had any physical withdrawals. I actually already feel 1000 times better and look better too. My right side has stopped hurting, for the most part. I am productive and have energy. Thought "this is it"! It's working! And it is, Day 5. Psycologically, I haven't yet missed the drinking. There is even a half open bottle of wine in the fridge that I just look past. I'm not sure why I left it there. I've quit before for a few weeks here, few months there, and always think afterward that now I can moderate. We all know that is not the case. That voice started speaking today.

I had the Today show on this morning and they were doing a segment on wine; "this one is perfect for a day at the beach" - "perfect for a picnic" - and the trigger hit. I had to shut off the tv. I love it in those events - but those events lead to me waking up on Monday, having a glass at 11 am and not stopping the cycle.

So here I am. I tried AA years back for a few weeks, I didn't like it, but may try it again. I'd like to start here with SR and slowly come out of this secret. This was very hard for me to get the courage to tell this story but I found the love and support here to be compelling for me to join.

Thanks for listening to my story and for sharing all of yours to get me here.

Here's to another productive day.
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Old 06-09-2011, 01:19 PM
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Hi and Welcome,

I know that alcoholism can be a very isolating disease. It sure was for me, and at the end of my few years of drinking, I felt very alone. And, of course, that makes it harder to reach out for help. I'm glad you found us. And, yes, and sadly some drs have no clue about addiction but others do, so why not try to find another dr. And, good for you for getting to Day 5. I'm not an AA person, but I do work hard on my recovery and SR is my lifeline.
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Old 06-09-2011, 01:31 PM
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Hi bratnik!
I'm glad you persevered and joined us

That closed hell you speak of is no way to live...my life improved the minute I stepped out into the light again and I'm sure yours will too.

I agree with Anna that seeing a Dr, a good one, is always a good idea....and maybe dump that half bottle of wine in the fridge

Welcome aboard
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Old 06-09-2011, 03:04 PM
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Dee -thanks for your encouragement and support. I opened the bottle, turned my head so I couldn't smell it, and poured it down the sink. I had a big glass of water knowing it was GOOD for my body. It was liberating!
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Old 06-09-2011, 03:06 PM
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Thanks Anna. It is such a weight off my shoulders to get it out there and receive such sincere support. I appreciate your reply!
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Old 06-09-2011, 03:15 PM
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Welcome to the family. I was a wino too, an all-day-every-day wino, but I gave it up for good 18 months ago and don't miss it a bit. I love my sober life and won't give it up for anything.
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Old 06-09-2011, 03:16 PM
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good stuff!

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Old 06-09-2011, 04:29 PM
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Ha, least - you made me laugh with "wino". Don't know why but it struck me funny - that's exactly what I am! 18 months seems like a lifetime away - but I have read some of your posts and you are inspiring to me. Thanks for helping me open up
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:47 PM
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Welcome! I'm glad you're hear, sounds like your in the right place. Sad to hear about your father. My father was an alcoholic also but I didn't really look at his drinking as having anything to do with me. I was different (ha!).
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Old 06-09-2011, 08:15 PM
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Welcome
There are alot of "previously" housebound, all day drinking housewives on the board. We are living and enjoying life. I've lived your life and I am sorry for your pain but because of that when you find the joy it will be fabulous. I've been doing it for 20mo.
Keep up the good work.
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Old 06-09-2011, 08:29 PM
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I too was the liquor consuming housewife. I don't even like the taste of alcohol! I drank to escape.

It's been a few years and I thank my Higher Power every day for my sobriety.

I'm glad you are here.
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Old 06-10-2011, 04:25 AM
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Hi Bratnik...I saw your reply to my post Thank you! As far as your post sounds a lot like me with my past drinking. MHO is maybe see a psychiatrist. Suffering from my depression drives me to want to resume my addicitons sometimes and also my history is they are very understanding about the addiction as well as depression. I am planning to attend my first AA meeting in a loooooooong time tonight at 6:30. Ironically I ran into the "old time" from AA yesterday so that may be a sign I need/want to go. My husband is also recovering alkie but says he doesn't need meeting. I know the secrecy kills you inside with guilt. I've got no choice cannot tell him but since your DH already knows there is a problem maybe telling him the amount won't be that great of a shock. My secrecy and guilty feelings stop once I stop the sneaking (pills) and as long as he doesn't figure it out when it's time for his refill ( I made sure he wouldn't be short) but this time I'm not picking them up...too much temptation for my will power. Great you dumped the bottle. Good Luck and Congrats on day 5. Let's keep in touch here. I'm also posting on the substance abuse forum because even though alcohol is my drug of choice and I have almost 2 years sober...narcotics are new to me so I'm hoping for info and support at that forum too. Take care and keep us posted.
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Old 06-10-2011, 04:37 AM
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Bratnik: Congratulations on Day Five, that's amazing! I identify with everything you wrote about--like you and least, I have been an isolating wino, hiding it from people, including my boyfriend, who had no idea how much I was drinking, which was all day every day. It is a self-imprisoned hell, and I am so glad to hear that you are putting an end to it. I am on Day Nine, and am so glad that I am going outside, seeing people, walking, etc, instead of hiding for weeks on end in my home, drinking away my pain.

I also come from an alcoholic family, and just got back from seeing my father in the hospital, near death from alcoholic pancreatitis, and understand the pain of that. And of course, seeing that doesn't change things for us, we have to change because we want to, and it seems like we both have a lot of resolve.

Congratulations on throwing out the wine! That's a big step. And I agree with Dee--there are doctors out there who are real caregivers, and who know that alcoholism is a disease that needs to be treated, not judged. I had to detox with a doctor's help and he has been very supportive. Glad you didn't have any real withdrawal symptoms, that's great.

Thanks so much for sharing your story and for joining the site--it has helped me a lot.
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Old 06-10-2011, 10:09 AM
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Wow, that could have been my story, right there. The isolation, the hurting body and not telling anyone, the living with the fear that you are going to die from drinking - but doing it anyway, the suburban housewife who likes her wine, the dread of your partner/friends/family knowing your REAL consumption, etc etc. Even down to the unsympathetic doctor!

Find another doctor. Definitely. There ARE ones out there who won't recoil in disgust if you are truthful. Once you have one who is understanding and supportive, you will never need to lie or withhold the truth ever again. I can't even begin to tell you what a relief that is!

You CAN do this. Don't say no to anything that will help you on your journey. Try it. AA wasn't right for you a few years back, but it might be right for you now, so it's worth a trip to a meeting to check it out. Maybe try a few to see if you click with any. Keep reading and posting. I've found SR absolutely instrumental in my 52 days of sobriety, it's been a blessing for me.
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Old 06-12-2011, 05:07 AM
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Now Day 7!

Sorry everyone, for the late reply. Thank you for sharing all of your stories. I replied about 3 different times and got kicked out of my login. I admit I still give up on some things very quickly - I became frustrated and had to walk away!! (out of my control - had to regain control hahaha)

When I was sitting in this house 2 weeks ago, alone and depressed and hopeless and drunk, I would have never imagined that there were so many people out there who had the same experience. Wow. When you are in it, you feel like the only person in the world who can't get a grip and everyone else around you has it together. I am glad to hear that you were able to pull yourself out of the cycle while remaining in the same environment. This has always been my biggest fear. This is a new house for us and I have been worried I will always associate it with my drinking in it's worst state.

I went to the GYM for the first time in MONTHS on Thursday. And can you believe there is a LIQUOR STORE right underneath it. I had to laugh to myself. There is really nothing else to do but find the humor in it. THe one place I want to go to every day to be better makes me pass the liquor store every time.

All of you have been so supportive and inspiring. I haven't been very accountable to myself in the past few years and your support has actually helped me in being accountable. Thanks for the strength!!!
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Old 06-12-2011, 05:23 AM
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Welcome to SR. You are not alone. A lot of loving people here that are in the same situation. Great job for dumping out the wine.
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Old 06-12-2011, 05:29 AM
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Old 06-12-2011, 05:47 AM
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I have a half bottle of wine in the fridge that I am going to dump in front of my hubby to signify the start of my new life...let's beat this beast.
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Old 06-12-2011, 09:31 AM
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YESSSSS!!! We are all behind you, itsmytime!!! Thanks all for the additional welcomes! You guys rock.
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