angie4

My AH has been doing great the past couple of weeks. He started (back) on his suboxone treatment, quit making the "phone calls", quit accepting the "phone calls", quit disappearing, coming home straight from work, has spent a good deal of time with the kids, hasnt taken any money and has even helped with the remodeling of our home. And until the last few days I was conveinced he was doing great. Several days ago his pupils were small (big sign for me) and a guy (he owes $ to) started coming around. I really didnt think much about it at first as he seemed to be very upfront about the whole thing. But i couldnt shake the "gut feeling". And like always the little things are beginning to add up. 2 days ago he loaned a friend (at work) $80.00, next day he was late coming home from work and that same day had to leave early to go to work. An hour after he "left for work" my parents saw him in town. He also borrowed money from his mom that same day. And he failed to tell me about it (had to hear it from her). When I questioned him he said he borrowed less than he actually did. And of course used it all for gas. So.. here we are.. again. Lord knows I could be wrong, but I doubt it. Of course, he says Im wrong and is angry at me for questioning him. I cant do this again. I HAVE TO SET BOUNDARIES! I am the worst boundry maker that exsists. I have never been much for taking care of myself. Have for years let family, friends, employers, children run all over me. Usually I will take it and take it until I cant take it any longer... then throw a fit and run for the hills. My AH works nights and I dont feel safe in my home any longer. I have been threatened by his "associates" (I have never told anybody that). He blows it off, says they are harmless and makes me feel crazy. I am suspicious and paranoid. I worry about driving thru town (as they all know what car he drives) I know he owes people money, they all know where we live and what cars we own. Im worried for him, worried for us. What if Im wrong and he is ok? What if Im right and he's not? The other night (while he was at work) my oldest daughter was at work, my second daughter was in Florida (at her grammas) and my two youngest was at their grandparents (here in town) the dogs started going nuts. I peeked outside and saw a man running in front of our house and disappeared. A few minutes later (the dogs started going nuts again) and I saw him quickly jump into passenger side of a parked car and took off. It was scary. It may have been nothing but it scared me. No matter what happens... this is my home. I have keep the payment made for years thru this crap and Im not leaving... but Im afraid. Need some encouragment, please

Kindeyes

Oh sweetie I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. You recognize that you aren't taking good care of yourself and you need to establish boundaries. You don't have to do everything all at once.....start with little baby steps. Do something nice for you that makes you feel good. Don't think about what anyone else thinks about it. Do it just for you. Then......do it again.

Have you done any reading or been able to go to any meetings? If there are no Naranon or Alanon meetings closeby, you can get hold of the literature. And it's very very good.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs for you today
ke

hello-kitty

I had a SUPER hard time at setting and enforcing boundaries.

The way I got started was to first write down my personal values.

Like:

I value honesty. I don't lie to others.
I value integrity. I follow through on my promises.
I value hard work. I get up and go to work every day, even if I don't feel like it.
I value generousity. I share what I have with others.
I value human dignity. I will treat others with respect.

etc. etc. etc.

I seriously did the exercise and wrote them down. It was a babystep for me and it got me moving on the right track. It was something small I could do to help clarify the confusion in my mind.

From there I moved into holding others responsible to the same code of behaviors I expected from myself. I would NEVER ask someone to do something that I wasn't willing to do myself. I wondered how I could say I valued honesty and then still allow myself to be around people who weren't honest with me. I was being hypocrital.

It became alot easier when I first started enforcing my boundaries on myself and then moved towards expecting the same honest rigourous behavior from others.

I decided not to be a doormat anymore. I decided I was worth it.

I firmly believe that choosing not to enforce personal boundaries starts with issues surrounding self respect. Because being treated with respect by others has to start with self respect. And only you can provide that.

newnormal4me

When people come creeping around, please call the cops! If they see cops coming around, hopefully they will stay away. And the cops will know to keep a watch on your place.

I am sorry you are dealing with this nonsense, and you shouldn't be. Your AH's decisions are now affecting you and your kids directly and you need to keep yourself and kids safe. I have been there and know how awful it is to have strangers (up to no good) hanging around.

I can't give you much advice on your AH as I am not much of a role model for setting boundaries, etc. HK is great at explaining them so well. It is a start. I hope you can find a resolution for you and your kids soon.

Is your husband in a program for the suboxone? What else is he doing besides that?

outtolunch

2 weeks is a blip.

You have 2 young and impressionable kids.

Your husband is an active addict.

You have thugs checking out your home because of what your husband did or did not do.

What are you waiting for?