Son on leave from Afghanistan
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 20
Son on leave from Afghanistan
My son just got back from Afghanistan, on a 30 day leave. He has been through hell and back. I have 3 sons, all three of whom seem to have a problem with alcohol. their dad was a recovering alcoholic who never went through treatment or a 12 step program. Some people refer to this as a "dry drunk." He died of a brain tumor a year and a half ago. So now I am alone to deal with the problems.
My oldest son (24) has been living with me ever since his dad died. He has not looked for work, just sits up in his room playing online computer games. He binge drinks and smokes pot. Now that my Army son is home on leave, the two of them are using it as an excuse to party. If I object to the drinking, they say I am being unreasonable because of all that my son went through in Afghanistan, that he should be able "tip back a few" since he put his life on the line over there. The trouble is, they don't just have a few. They drink to get drunk.
I feel I am being manipulated by my sons in so many ways. I feel weak and powerless. I feel I am being used and abused. Yet I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with my sons. Help!
My oldest son (24) has been living with me ever since his dad died. He has not looked for work, just sits up in his room playing online computer games. He binge drinks and smokes pot. Now that my Army son is home on leave, the two of them are using it as an excuse to party. If I object to the drinking, they say I am being unreasonable because of all that my son went through in Afghanistan, that he should be able "tip back a few" since he put his life on the line over there. The trouble is, they don't just have a few. They drink to get drunk.
I feel I am being manipulated by my sons in so many ways. I feel weak and powerless. I feel I am being used and abused. Yet I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with my sons. Help!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Forget about being mom anymore: that ship has sailed.
Your only choice is to make the reasonable demands any room-mate would have. Would you put up with a room-mate who lives in your flat and doesn't pay rent? Probably not. It is perfectly within your rights to ask for older gaming -addict son to pay rent.
You can't control their behavior anymore, stop them from drinking or doing other destructive things.
You CAN require that they meet the rules of the house: help pay rent, help with chores, help buy food and help cook.
Your only choice is to make the reasonable demands any room-mate would have. Would you put up with a room-mate who lives in your flat and doesn't pay rent? Probably not. It is perfectly within your rights to ask for older gaming -addict son to pay rent.
You can't control their behavior anymore, stop them from drinking or doing other destructive things.
You CAN require that they meet the rules of the house: help pay rent, help with chores, help buy food and help cook.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I'm glad you are here.
You have found a wonderful place of support and understanding.
Please feel free to read and post as much as needed. There are permanent posts at the top of this forum, called stickies, and they contain some of our stories.
You are correct is identifying the words of your sons as manipulative. They are twisting and distorting the truth to control you. Trying to get you in line so that they can say and do what ever they please.
You mentioned you are concerned with jeopardizing your relationship with them. May I be so bold as to ask you what relationship?
It appears you have two irresponsible adults living in your home using illegal substances freely. They also appear to be abusing alcohol, abusing you emotionally, financially, and mentally.
You deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, love and sincerity.
I have my 19 year old son living with me (plus a 15 y.o., my 24 y.o. is out of the home). He knows I expect chores, domestic assistance in shopping, cleaning, laundry, pet care, and cooking. I in return treat him with respect as an adult in my home. We have an understanding. He is allowed to stay here while he attends college, pays his portion of the cellular bill, pays his portion of auto insurance, and respects my house rules. He understands there will be consequences for unacceptable behavior.
Have you considered getting local support for yourself? Support is available in Alanon meetings, counseling as well as here at SR.
Living with alcoholism in your home requires special tools to keep from going in sane. Alanon helped me learn to take better care of myself and gave me the tools to set healthy boundaries of what is acceptable to me. I have also learned to detach, with love, from other peoples drama.
How can we help you?
I'm glad you are here.
You have found a wonderful place of support and understanding.
Please feel free to read and post as much as needed. There are permanent posts at the top of this forum, called stickies, and they contain some of our stories.
You are correct is identifying the words of your sons as manipulative. They are twisting and distorting the truth to control you. Trying to get you in line so that they can say and do what ever they please.
You mentioned you are concerned with jeopardizing your relationship with them. May I be so bold as to ask you what relationship?
It appears you have two irresponsible adults living in your home using illegal substances freely. They also appear to be abusing alcohol, abusing you emotionally, financially, and mentally.
You deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, love and sincerity.
I have my 19 year old son living with me (plus a 15 y.o., my 24 y.o. is out of the home). He knows I expect chores, domestic assistance in shopping, cleaning, laundry, pet care, and cooking. I in return treat him with respect as an adult in my home. We have an understanding. He is allowed to stay here while he attends college, pays his portion of the cellular bill, pays his portion of auto insurance, and respects my house rules. He understands there will be consequences for unacceptable behavior.
Have you considered getting local support for yourself? Support is available in Alanon meetings, counseling as well as here at SR.
Living with alcoholism in your home requires special tools to keep from going in sane. Alanon helped me learn to take better care of myself and gave me the tools to set healthy boundaries of what is acceptable to me. I have also learned to detach, with love, from other peoples drama.
How can we help you?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
When you get a chance, please let them know that there are people who are thankful for their sacrifices.
I'm not deterring from your concerns. I just know plenty of people coming back from the Stan and they all have major issues.
SR is a wonderful community. I wonder if there isn't a similar forum for friends and family of those who served in the forces. I suspect and I've seen on the news and in literature that PTSD is high and I can only hope there's a resource out there to help them.
I'm not deterring from your concerns. I just know plenty of people coming back from the Stan and they all have major issues.
SR is a wonderful community. I wonder if there isn't a similar forum for friends and family of those who served in the forces. I suspect and I've seen on the news and in literature that PTSD is high and I can only hope there's a resource out there to help them.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 20
Thanks everyone. I seem to be stuck in a complicated grief situation since we have so many unresolved issues. Once my husband found out he was terminal, he basically quit talking to me, and shut me out. My dad died five weeks after my husband. I have had so many losses in the last year and a half, and I think that is why I am so afraid of drawing a line in the sand with my son. Afraid of another loss. Yet to enable him to continue on the path he is on, I know I am risking a loss as well. I have to be one of the world's worst enablers. I know this logically, but somehow I have such a hard time stopping this behavior.
I also have a great deal of resentment directed at my deceased husband. Sarcasm was his way of communicating and I was the target. To be honest, I was almost relieved when he died, because I no longer would have to put up with the meanness. I know that sounds heartless. I feel like there must be something wrong with me, because I have rarely shed a tear over his death.
I am grateful to all of you for your support.
I also have a great deal of resentment directed at my deceased husband. Sarcasm was his way of communicating and I was the target. To be honest, I was almost relieved when he died, because I no longer would have to put up with the meanness. I know that sounds heartless. I feel like there must be something wrong with me, because I have rarely shed a tear over his death.
I am grateful to all of you for your support.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
aviatrix you matter, too. Have you considered counseling? honestly it has been the #1 source of help and support for me. And you are not hearless, its a common sentiment when we have been hurt so much.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I'm glad you've found us!
I think you've every right to say what happens in your house.
But for me that road
was long and rough travel
before arriving.
So I agree that maybe a third party to talk to
and gain perspective from
might be a good idea for a starting place
Alanon is probably active in your area
and would be a free place to start.
Posting here is great too
but there's something more
when we make the step
to bring conscious change
into our real world.
I think if you were unhappy for years
before the illness and loss
it might be something to discuss it
with others
who know how you feel
and might have tools
that can help you
not bring the past into the present?
I think you've every right to say what happens in your house.
But for me that road
was long and rough travel
before arriving.
So I agree that maybe a third party to talk to
and gain perspective from
might be a good idea for a starting place
Alanon is probably active in your area
and would be a free place to start.
Posting here is great too
but there's something more
when we make the step
to bring conscious change
into our real world.
I think if you were unhappy for years
before the illness and loss
it might be something to discuss it
with others
who know how you feel
and might have tools
that can help you
not bring the past into the present?
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