Introduction and venting

Old 06-08-2011, 11:54 PM
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Introduction and venting

Hi everyone : )

I came across this site in my search for Al Anon literature regarding boundaries and enabling. I've been reading the stickies and lurking, and it has been an immense help to me. For that, I thank you all!

I have trouble setting boundaries with many people in my life, but especially with my father. He has been an addict nearly my whole life. His problems began with alcohol, but quickly progressed to cocaine and eventually to meth abuse. As I teen, I became extremely rebellious and began to experiment with drugs myself. Before long, my father and I were using cocaine together. That ended when I came clean to my mom about what we were doing. She was in Al Anon at the time, and getting stronger as a person, but I think finding out her husband was sharing drugs with her daughter eliminated all doubt about what she should do, so she got all of us out of there (I have one lovely sister), and left him for good.

I began to get better when we were away from my father full-time. I stopped doing drugs, and managed to get my GED even though I'd missed - literally - years of high school. I got a job working with animals which I loved. I fell in love with my now husband. I forgave my dad (or so I thought), and still spent some weekends with him after my mom left him. He was my dad after all, right? I worshiped him as a kid. He remained addicted to meth, but I decided to ignore his drug use and sort of love him as-is, if that makes any sense.

This acceptance of his addiction went on for years and years. I married, moved into my own place with my husband, had my own life, and I still had a close relationship with my addict dad (and even his addict wife). I thought, wow, I'm really good at this acceptance thing. Let him do his thing, and I'll do mine. Who am I to judge?

Eventually, my dad's wife left him. They'd do a bunch of meth and fight horribly quite often. She was increasingly paranoid, and he was increasingly irresponsible with money. It was a horrible train wreck to watch. After 15 years, she left, and all the druggie friends dad had moved in. I started to distance myself, and dad whined that I never visited. He got a dog to keep himself company.

Eventually, my dad got evicted from his rental home. He squatted in the property owner's garage until he was discovered. I told him, "No, you cannot live here" when he asked if he could stay with me. I felt guilty. I cried a lot. I yelled at him and said really mean things to him too. I broke down from time to time after my initial "no" and let him spend some nights here against my better judgment, but refused to let him move in.

He moved himself into the park across the street from his former home, and eventually sought shelter in a shed on some abandoned property. My husband and I would visit him at a nearby restaurant sometimes to see how he was doing. I left all these encounters sobbing and feeling like the worst daughter in the world for leaving him on the street. He told stories of people with mental illnesses and being punched in the face. He refused to go to a shelter because his dog wasn't allowed there.

So my dad has been homeless for over a year, only now he is very ill with kidney disease. I found a free medical clinic that would treat him (like a good little enabler), and have been driving him to and from appointments, but they are becoming more and more frequent. I'm constantly worried, upset, angry, frustrated, and on-edge about my dad. I am allowing his problems to take over my life again. I don't want him to die, but I want to be free of this! I can't believe I feel so hostile, because he's an ill man, but I'm now 35 years old, and I want to finally be free of his problems. I've had to live with his addiction and its aftermath my whole life, and I'm so freaking tired at this point. I want serenity and peace, and his life is total chaos. I could spend 10 years sorting out all his crap, and it wouldn't even scratch the surface. Why does guilt affect me so, and turn me into an enabler? He keeps calling today, and I'm ignoring it, but it's tough, as I know he needs a ride to another appointment and a dog sitter. I don't know if I'm a mean person who throws her dad into the street, an enabler, or going nuts, but I'm very confused about the "right" thing to do now, you know?

Thank you for allowing me to share and vent. I've researched Al Anon meetings in my area already; I just have to work up the courage to go now.
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Old 06-09-2011, 12:59 AM
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OK you live in California which in one way is bad (the economy is worse there) and in another way good.

California has been a leader in 'firsts'. They have an "Adult Protection Program". There isn't much that you can do for your dad, however, by calling the Adult Protection Division and telling them your story I would suspect they will assign a Social Worker to do a 'Wellness Check' on him and go from there. You may have to meet the SW the first time to lead her/him to where he is at. They are trained to help, housing, help with getting off the medication, putting him in a nursing home if need be, etc. They certainly are more equipped to handle this than you are.

Have you found some AlAnon meetings yet? There are tons and tons of them in the L.A. area.

My good thoughts and prayers are going out to you and your family.

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-09-2011, 06:53 AM
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Welcome to SR......I hope you find comfort here. I did.

First, let me say how very sorry I am that you are dealing with this. I can feel from your post that your heart is hurting.

Addicts are interesting. In there is a person we love so very much. But that person can bring out some feelings in us that they use to their advantage. Fear. Guilt. Pity. They know how to manipulate and accentuate those feelings. And eventually, we know it is happening but we can't seem to stop it and then we begin to feel very resentful.

The addict in my life is my 30 year old son. He is also homeless, living in his car or on the couches of other addicts. It is heartbreaking.

You don't have to stay entangled in this. You do have choices. You do have the right to set boundaries.

Your Mom showed you through her own actions a path that can help you find peace and refuge from the confusion, anxiety, and growing resentment. Support groups, 12 step groups, can help you work your way through these issues. Reading the many books on codependency and the literature available through Naranon or Alanon may help you realize that you are not alone.

I hope you stick around. There is a lot of collective wisdom here on SR. It's open 24 hours a day.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 06-09-2011, 02:42 PM
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Thank you Laurie and Kindeyes for responding to my post. Really, your kindness and support means the world to me.

When my dad was in the emergency room last time, (several months ago) I asked for a social worker, and she did make copies of a list for him to nearby shelters, (which I'd already done myself) and gave him a card so that he could get discounts on medications. My dad kept the discount card, but shoved the shelter list aside with all his other papers he carries around. My father refuses to go to any shelters whatsoever, because they will not accept his dog. He is absolutely terrified of losing his dog. His house, kids, wife, job? Nope, he says he'll be okay. Really, he would rather live in this shed than go to a homeless shelter without her. That's his decision, and it's his choice, so I gave up on suggesting shelters or the Salvation Army. As a huge animal lover and dog owner, I admit this really tugs at my heart stings, as I imagine he figures his dog is his last friend in the world. However, he was not appointed an official social worker at the hospital, which disappointed me. I will think about this option, though I admit I am terrified of the guilt I may feel should they separate him from his dog and his so-called "safe-place" because of a call I made. I don't know if I can handle that today I am going to discuss this with my sister and see what she thinks. Will they think I'm a horrible person for not allowing him to live here?

I am so very sorry to hear about your son, kindeyes. How heartbreaking. You know all too well, then, the worry and the toll it takes on our bodies and minds to love so much and resent so much at the same time. Yes, addicts are extremely manipulative, and my dad knows how to get what he wants using guilt and stories of desperation. I know I'm enabling in many ways, yet changing my behavior is becoming so hard, as I feel more and more broken down with each passing day. Today, I'm very weak. I have no energy to fight the fight. Today I need to let go for my own self, but it's a struggle to stop obsessing. The lines are blurred for me now that he's ill with kidney disease, but he wouldn't be in this horrible place if not for his addiction and bad decisions that have nothing to do with me, yet are affecting me so very deeply.

Again, thank you so much for reading my thoughts, and this site is wonderful. I am learning a lot here. I have tears welling up in my eyes because others actually get it. What a sad way to connect with such lovely people.
There are lots of Al Anon meetings in my area, (some are 12 step studies?) I just need to get my butt to one.
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Old 06-09-2011, 03:44 PM
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Alanon is a 12 Step program for friends and family of alcoholics andor addicts. I suggest Alanon, because even in Los Angeles there are many more Alanon meetings to fit anyone's schedule than Naranon meetings.

It is NOT your responsibility to have him come live with you. He is an adult. The social worker at the hospital is NOT part of Adult Protection Services. SW from APS evaluates the WHOLE situation, and there are 'Assisted Living Facilities' that DO allow pets.

I know he is your father, but sweetie, YOU CANNOT HELP HIM. It is better for him to deal with 'agencies' than for you to get involved. And remember, he may not want help. That is where Alanon comes in.

Yes, we are here for you and we are open 24/7.

Hang in there.

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-09-2011, 05:24 PM
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Hi Poetry (I love your name),

Welcome. You have found a wonderful site. I came across it in 2005 and have never left. In the last week I had posted about guilt that I was feeling regarding my husband (a sober addict). Laurie suggested that I make two columns. In the first column, I was to list all of the reasons that I feel guilty. In the 2nd column, I was to write whether I was responsible for the guilt that I was feeling. I discovered that my whole list of guilt consisted of scenarios that my husband had caused - not me...but I was carrying the guilt.

Alanon and recovery have really helped me to understand what detachment with love is. You are right - the diagnosis of the kidney ailment must cloud things for you. I definitely understand that. But it is most likely a repercussion of his lifestyle. I work in an acute care hospital and I see people in this situation all the time. If you have to take him to the hospital just tell them that you are unable to take him home with you - which is the truth. If you did, it would take all of your energy and time.

I think that finding support for you is really the only way to manage this difficult situation. I love that this is a "we" program and not a "me" program. It means that there are people here willinglly to share their experience, strength, and hope. It really really helps so much. We do understand and know of the different pulls that you feel.

Personally, I think that you are an amazing person to allowed your dad to continue to be a part of your life at all. I understand why you have - because he is your dad, afterall, and you do love him. However, people chose their path and although drug addiction is a horrible thing - there is help available. He chose not to take that help.

All I can tell you is that at times like this, I hand really tightly to SR, my recovery, and Alanon. It's easy for me to fall into guilt, shame, and being a victim. I need other people to keep me straight.

Please keep coming back....we are all in this together.
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Old 06-09-2011, 06:49 PM
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Hi Poetry, I am so sorry you are here with us. But it is a step in the right direction. I feel very much the same as you. The exception is that I am dealing with my husband of 18 years. He too started with alcohol and advanced to all out drugs and after 5 years of dealing with it directly, I took action through the legal system to get myself away from it.

He was with a friend for 6 months, then the friend kicked him out and now he stays wherever he can...sometimes on our property in his car. I never, ever would have imagined he would choose not to take steps to fix his issues - instead he remains in denial and blames me for all of us problems. It hurts so much to see them like this, and resist allowing them in. I have major problems with boundaries, which has reared its ugly head recently. I am in a constant battle with myself on what to do. Most days I just plug along and try to mentally stay away from the worry and guilt and wonderings.

Somewhere in us we have to learn to let go...and realize that these are the consequences for their own choices, not ours. We can't fix them. And they have choices...we may never understand why they choose not to seek help. It's craziness I tell ya.

I know I am not helping...just sharing that you are not alone whatsoever. So many of us are fumbling around trying to figure out the right path to take. Hang in there...and continue seeking help for you. ****{HUGS}}}
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Old 06-10-2011, 03:54 AM
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poetry - you have certainly come to a place of support and comfort - you are dealing with addiction from the opposite side from me - my son is the addict in my life - but the feelings of frustration, anger, hopelessness, being torn as to what is the best thing to do, these are all part of the package no matter the relationship - i am so sorry you have had to deal with this for so very long - i can't add anything more to the previous advice about your situation but i certainly want to add my prayers for you and for your dad - please, as several have already said, remember you cannot save your dad nor make his decisions for him - give him up to God and let his consequences deal with him
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Old 06-10-2011, 07:00 PM
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welcome to S.R. you are in a good place with caring people. i am so sorry u are having to deal with your dad. it is really sad when the children have addicts for parents. pray for your dad & do only what u want to do for him. only what he can not do for himself. i will pray for u both. keep coming back.
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Old 06-14-2011, 01:47 PM
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You guys are wonderful. Thank you so much. You have made me feel welcome and comfortable in pouring my heart out.

Laurie, thank you for clearing up social work vs. APS. I did not know the difference.

Lightseeker, thank you for the suggestion in making a "guilt list." This is a good idea, and I know will be quite the eye-opener for me.

Thank you all, for your encouragement, sharing, and prayers. I really appreciate that so many of you took the time to post. You and your loved ones will also be in my prayers.

I am considering an Al Anon meeting this Thursday. I'm nervous, but I really think I should go for my own well-being.

Take care all : )

Edit: I almost forgot. I was feeling really down last week, so I wrote a poem about my dad and how I felt. It's pretty cheesy since I wrote it in a short amount of time (10 minutes or so), but it was therapeutic for me. I thought I would share it with you guys. It's called "This is it".

This is it
This is the last time
I watch your tears
I hear your cries
This is it
This is the end
I cannot help you die
No, I'm sorry,
You're on your own today
This is it,
It's over
It has to be this way

For I am tired
I am weak
I have lost years of sleep
It's getting scary
It's looking bleak,
And I can barely lift my feet

This is it
This is the last time
My life stops for you
Let me go,
Let me go,
Let me see my own life through

Thanks again for allowing me to share.
((Hugs))

Last edited by Poetry; 06-14-2011 at 02:01 PM. Reason: Added a short poem
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