Wife driving me crazy
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2
Wife driving me crazy
I'm reposting this from the newcomers' forum:
When my wife and I hooked up 14 years ago, we had alot in common. We both did the same kind of work, we both liked star wars, we both laughed at the same jokes and invented some along the way, we supported and stood by each other through good times and bad.
She told me stories about how her mom, aunt and uncle were all alcoholics and made her life a living hell...things she had to put up with and witness - screaming, fighting, neglect, abuse, the whole nine yards.
A few years into our marriage we began drinking socially with our coworkers and then began keeping a bottle in the house. eventually the bottles wound up being emptied and replaced quicker and quicker. We both realized that we were starting to drink to much and admitted it to each other. We both stopped, had a child, and then the pattern began again. we both admitted there was a problem. This time, however, I'm on permanent disability with medication. She's using that as an excuse to continue drinking more and more. She thinks I get a kick from my medicines - they're for muscular dystrophy - they don't make me high. But she insists that since she's the one who has to keep working that she deserved her booze at the end of the day to help her with her aches, pains and stress. She's said that if I get my pills then she should be entitled to her nightly hooch.
So, you can imagine how it's turned out. Alomost every single day after work, and all day on weekends and holidays, she gets liquored up. She always says "yes I've has a little but I'm not drunk." She's also been picking up booze on her way homke from work and hiding it, drinking it in secret, and I can tell when she starts talking. She gets on a subject and won't quit. Sometimes its everyday stuff and other times its outlandish or even offensive stuff (one time she was convinced she had an epiphone about God's "libido'). It's like a feedback loop and she wants me to agree with her over and over again. If I don't agree with her she berates me and picks at me until I withdraw and hide. LAtely this behavior has turned more from a one-sided conversation to picking, baseless accusations and finger-pointing. on things from where did the remote go to where did our son's dependent SSDI benefit check go. For the paycheck, she accused me of losing it and then of stealing and hiding or spending it. SHe was so persistent that she had me questioning my own memory and wondering if I actually took it. That was a week ago. Today I found it crumpled up in her pants pocket on the bathroom floor.
As far as my son goes, he's 6. I'm vigilant not to let her do anything inapproprate in front of him. When she gets bad, I take him out and get him away from her drunken dramas. He's starting to take notice though of how her personality changes when she starts drinking. This summer she insisted in enrolling him in day camp even though I've said that I'm home all day and would like to spend the time with him. Later in a drunken stupor she admitted that she doesn't want him to spend more summer time with me than with her, like she got jealous that I was able to spend time with him as a stay-at-home dad before he started kindergarten. I want to go in and cancel the day camp but now she's convinced him that it will be more fun than "staying home with Daddy".
Note: I've tried discussing all this with her when she's sober but she puts up a wall by denying, not remembering, or standing her ground and being stubborn.
When my wife and I hooked up 14 years ago, we had alot in common. We both did the same kind of work, we both liked star wars, we both laughed at the same jokes and invented some along the way, we supported and stood by each other through good times and bad.
She told me stories about how her mom, aunt and uncle were all alcoholics and made her life a living hell...things she had to put up with and witness - screaming, fighting, neglect, abuse, the whole nine yards.
A few years into our marriage we began drinking socially with our coworkers and then began keeping a bottle in the house. eventually the bottles wound up being emptied and replaced quicker and quicker. We both realized that we were starting to drink to much and admitted it to each other. We both stopped, had a child, and then the pattern began again. we both admitted there was a problem. This time, however, I'm on permanent disability with medication. She's using that as an excuse to continue drinking more and more. She thinks I get a kick from my medicines - they're for muscular dystrophy - they don't make me high. But she insists that since she's the one who has to keep working that she deserved her booze at the end of the day to help her with her aches, pains and stress. She's said that if I get my pills then she should be entitled to her nightly hooch.
So, you can imagine how it's turned out. Alomost every single day after work, and all day on weekends and holidays, she gets liquored up. She always says "yes I've has a little but I'm not drunk." She's also been picking up booze on her way homke from work and hiding it, drinking it in secret, and I can tell when she starts talking. She gets on a subject and won't quit. Sometimes its everyday stuff and other times its outlandish or even offensive stuff (one time she was convinced she had an epiphone about God's "libido'). It's like a feedback loop and she wants me to agree with her over and over again. If I don't agree with her she berates me and picks at me until I withdraw and hide. LAtely this behavior has turned more from a one-sided conversation to picking, baseless accusations and finger-pointing. on things from where did the remote go to where did our son's dependent SSDI benefit check go. For the paycheck, she accused me of losing it and then of stealing and hiding or spending it. SHe was so persistent that she had me questioning my own memory and wondering if I actually took it. That was a week ago. Today I found it crumpled up in her pants pocket on the bathroom floor.
As far as my son goes, he's 6. I'm vigilant not to let her do anything inapproprate in front of him. When she gets bad, I take him out and get him away from her drunken dramas. He's starting to take notice though of how her personality changes when she starts drinking. This summer she insisted in enrolling him in day camp even though I've said that I'm home all day and would like to spend the time with him. Later in a drunken stupor she admitted that she doesn't want him to spend more summer time with me than with her, like she got jealous that I was able to spend time with him as a stay-at-home dad before he started kindergarten. I want to go in and cancel the day camp but now she's convinced him that it will be more fun than "staying home with Daddy".
Note: I've tried discussing all this with her when she's sober but she puts up a wall by denying, not remembering, or standing her ground and being stubborn.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by steve13 
Note: I've tried discussing all this with her when she's sober but she puts up a wall by denying, not remembering, or standing her ground and being stubborn.
Read as much as you can, attend an Al-Anon meeting if possible. There are great materials on this site (see the 'stickies' at the top of the page).
Remember the three C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.
Keep coming back,
~T
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
How painful it must be to witness the downward spiral of an active alcoholic. I'll speak as a recovering alcoholic (20 years) who can also be co-dependent. When you are speaking to aj drunken active alcoholic you're talking to a bottle, not the wife you once knew. Please understand that one of biggest factors fueling the alcoholic is DENIAL. Your wife is also lying to herself to continue drinking like this. Most alcoholics come from alcoholic families and it's very common for children to drink that way.
It sounds like you've already figure out it's pointless to talk about it. Have you told your wife you're leaving if she doesn't get help (go to a rehab)? Have you thought of renting an apartment for a hiatus to see if she'll get sober? Now you must take care of yourself. A good place to start is Al-Anon, a 12 Step program for people involved with an alcoholic.
I'm so glad you're here .........
It sounds like you've already figure out it's pointless to talk about it. Have you told your wife you're leaving if she doesn't get help (go to a rehab)? Have you thought of renting an apartment for a hiatus to see if she'll get sober? Now you must take care of yourself. A good place to start is Al-Anon, a 12 Step program for people involved with an alcoholic.
I'm so glad you're here .........
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: By a River
Posts: 83
Welcome, Steve. You will get some great advice here and you'll find that everyone here can relate to your post in one sense or another.
It's insanity, isn't it? It's so hard to grasp that we can't change it; no matter what we do or say it just won't make a difference. She won't stop until she's ready. It's as simple as that. I'm still trying to get this fact through my hard head.
I understand. Completely.
We cannot let ourselves be a victim of our spouse's addiction. It's too painful and too stressful and exhausting. It's a weight we don't deserve and we can't let it drag us down.
We cannot carry the burden of guilt, for we did not cause the drinking. We cannot resolve to cure them, as it will spur us on to unhealthy and counterproductive involvement. And if we try to control it, we will get caught up in the insanity and lines between reality and fantasy will blur, as we, in our desperate attempts to control and cure them, will begin to think and behave in ways that make no sense. The more enmeshed we become in their lives, the more twisted our thinking will become. Our efforts to help will grow increasingly futile and our own well-being will become compromised.
Keep in mind that she didn't set out to become an alcoholic. She never decided, "I'll drink this until I become addicted and I'll just go ahead and alienate my husband and others and lose everything of value." It's a disease. It's in her genes. She can't and won't get better until she's good and ready.
In the meantime, you must reaffirm the value of your own life and focus on your own peace of mind - regardless of what she does. Don't lose your personal identity and don't allow her state of being to determine how you live your life. If you put your personal goals, interests and pleasures to the side, you will lose yourself in her addiction.
You can't let yourself live at the mercy of her.
You must accept that you have no control over anyone's life but your own.
For the moment, this is how things are. We have no choice. They are what they are. We don't have to like them. We don't have to understand them. We just need to accept them.
We're both on this journey-that-we-never-wanted-to-be-on. It's the one journey that we both hope will be short-lived. But until then...we'll travel together...and learn as we go.
It's insanity, isn't it? It's so hard to grasp that we can't change it; no matter what we do or say it just won't make a difference. She won't stop until she's ready. It's as simple as that. I'm still trying to get this fact through my hard head.
I understand. Completely.
We cannot let ourselves be a victim of our spouse's addiction. It's too painful and too stressful and exhausting. It's a weight we don't deserve and we can't let it drag us down.
We cannot carry the burden of guilt, for we did not cause the drinking. We cannot resolve to cure them, as it will spur us on to unhealthy and counterproductive involvement. And if we try to control it, we will get caught up in the insanity and lines between reality and fantasy will blur, as we, in our desperate attempts to control and cure them, will begin to think and behave in ways that make no sense. The more enmeshed we become in their lives, the more twisted our thinking will become. Our efforts to help will grow increasingly futile and our own well-being will become compromised.
Keep in mind that she didn't set out to become an alcoholic. She never decided, "I'll drink this until I become addicted and I'll just go ahead and alienate my husband and others and lose everything of value." It's a disease. It's in her genes. She can't and won't get better until she's good and ready.
In the meantime, you must reaffirm the value of your own life and focus on your own peace of mind - regardless of what she does. Don't lose your personal identity and don't allow her state of being to determine how you live your life. If you put your personal goals, interests and pleasures to the side, you will lose yourself in her addiction.
You can't let yourself live at the mercy of her.
You must accept that you have no control over anyone's life but your own.
For the moment, this is how things are. We have no choice. They are what they are. We don't have to like them. We don't have to understand them. We just need to accept them.
We're both on this journey-that-we-never-wanted-to-be-on. It's the one journey that we both hope will be short-lived. But until then...we'll travel together...and learn as we go.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
All of the above. I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. In addition to all of he information posted above, please memorize and believe the following, as it is 100% true:
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Cure it.
You can't Control it.
Read everything you can here. You'll learn a lot. It will help you begin to heal from the pain and it will help you to make decisions for you and your son that are healthy so you don't get destroyed by this insidious disease.
Welcome...we are here for you as we all completely understand.
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Cure it.
You can't Control it.
Read everything you can here. You'll learn a lot. It will help you begin to heal from the pain and it will help you to make decisions for you and your son that are healthy so you don't get destroyed by this insidious disease.
Welcome...we are here for you as we all completely understand.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Hi and welcome!
Others have pointed you in the right direction, I only have one thing to add.
Your son has no choice in this matter, his well being needs to be first and foremost in your mind. You may not think he is too affected by it, but you really can't be sure. I was raised by an alcoholic step father, and I didn't even realize it until like 2 years ago. And i'm pretty messed up because of it. Didn't realize that until about two weeks into Alanon. But being around and A all my life had detrimental effects on my self image, self esteem, people skills, drive and motivation, relationships, work ethic, and most important my relationship with myself. Up until about a year and a half ago, i always hated myself, and I never knew why. Know I know, and I'm taking the steps to fix me. This site helps me see that i'm, not alone, and if others can recover, so can I.
I wouldn't wish that on anyone. You can explain all you want to the A, what they are doing, how it is affecting others, they just don't see it, and don't care. They are in their own world of denial, and the more you try to infiltrate that world, the more frustrated you will become. And the more damage will be done to your son. You can only hide it from him for so long.
This is something she has to learn on her own. If she chooses to prioritize drinking over her family, it's her choice. She is, after all, an adult. If she knows you're against it, and knows you really mean it, she might change her mind, but i wouldn't bet on it. Most of them don't figure it out until they've lost everything. It's what we call 'hitting bottom'.
Okay, so I had a few things to add...
I'm so glad you are here, there is so much to learn, and so much support here. Keep coming back.
Others have pointed you in the right direction, I only have one thing to add.
Your son has no choice in this matter, his well being needs to be first and foremost in your mind. You may not think he is too affected by it, but you really can't be sure. I was raised by an alcoholic step father, and I didn't even realize it until like 2 years ago. And i'm pretty messed up because of it. Didn't realize that until about two weeks into Alanon. But being around and A all my life had detrimental effects on my self image, self esteem, people skills, drive and motivation, relationships, work ethic, and most important my relationship with myself. Up until about a year and a half ago, i always hated myself, and I never knew why. Know I know, and I'm taking the steps to fix me. This site helps me see that i'm, not alone, and if others can recover, so can I.
I wouldn't wish that on anyone. You can explain all you want to the A, what they are doing, how it is affecting others, they just don't see it, and don't care. They are in their own world of denial, and the more you try to infiltrate that world, the more frustrated you will become. And the more damage will be done to your son. You can only hide it from him for so long.
This is something she has to learn on her own. If she chooses to prioritize drinking over her family, it's her choice. She is, after all, an adult. If she knows you're against it, and knows you really mean it, she might change her mind, but i wouldn't bet on it. Most of them don't figure it out until they've lost everything. It's what we call 'hitting bottom'.
Okay, so I had a few things to add...
I'm so glad you are here, there is so much to learn, and so much support here. Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
it sounds like a nightmare relationship...with your child caught in the middle...
if she doesn't address/realize the problem it is going to get worse(and destroy her health and her appearance)....do you keep a tally of how much $$$ she is spending on alcohol?..what's going to happen when SHE CAN'T function for working???
i don't know how you are coping, but you might want to begin documenting her tirades...either to show her, or perhaps your attorney down the road???
I'm sorry about your MD, i cannot imagine it is going to get easier to keep physically strong and flexible, but try to keep yourself strong.
i hope you have some other support for yourself too.
if she doesn't address/realize the problem it is going to get worse(and destroy her health and her appearance)....do you keep a tally of how much $$$ she is spending on alcohol?..what's going to happen when SHE CAN'T function for working???
i don't know how you are coping, but you might want to begin documenting her tirades...either to show her, or perhaps your attorney down the road???
I'm sorry about your MD, i cannot imagine it is going to get easier to keep physically strong and flexible, but try to keep yourself strong.
i hope you have some other support for yourself too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
yep. Sounds familiar.
From my experience, she will not get better.
You can't reason with unreasonable people. Your reality and hers don't match. So you will continue to be frustrated. In her mind, YOU are the problem. She doesn't have a problem.
Options:
Leave. Today. Or tomorrow if you can't.
Hope. It feels good, but doesn't solve the problem.
Lower expectations. If you lower your expectation of behavior to a low enough level, you will no longer be frustrated and angry.
At about the 14 year point, mine started pushing the wine up to about 15 bottles a week. Not kidding. No amount of asking, love, pleading, explaining, threatening, reasoning, or understanding would ever work. She's run through about $100K in wine. Impressive, isn't it.
Welcome, and we're here for you. In the end, you are the only one with the power to change your circumstances.
From my experience, she will not get better.
You can't reason with unreasonable people. Your reality and hers don't match. So you will continue to be frustrated. In her mind, YOU are the problem. She doesn't have a problem.
Options:
Leave. Today. Or tomorrow if you can't.
Hope. It feels good, but doesn't solve the problem.
Lower expectations. If you lower your expectation of behavior to a low enough level, you will no longer be frustrated and angry.
At about the 14 year point, mine started pushing the wine up to about 15 bottles a week. Not kidding. No amount of asking, love, pleading, explaining, threatening, reasoning, or understanding would ever work. She's run through about $100K in wine. Impressive, isn't it.
Welcome, and we're here for you. In the end, you are the only one with the power to change your circumstances.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You have found a wonderful resource of support and understanding. You are not alone!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Some of our stories (and tons of wisdom) are in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the forum pages.
This is one of my favorite. I followed these same steps when living with my AH.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
You have found a wonderful resource of support and understanding. You are not alone!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Some of our stories (and tons of wisdom) are in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the forum pages.
This is one of my favorite. I followed these same steps when living with my AH.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I was raised in the home of two alcoholics, not a pretty story, to be honest, I would have loved to get away from that toxic enviorment, to go to camp, yet I never did.
Believe me, I am not saying that you are a bad dad, however, I do know that I heard and saw everything, day in and day out, although I never expressed my internal turmoil. I still feel to this day, if I could have just had a break, had the opportunity to interface with other kids in a neutral enviorment, it would have helped me, it would have given me some peace.
Your wife? Well, you cannot reason with an unreasonable person. She is sick, she is toxic, and, does not have your sons best interest at heart, it is obvious that you do.
I am so very sorry that your son has to be exposed to this addiction, you are his anchor, keep your resolve and above all keep him as your priorty.
Keep posting, great support system here.
Believe me, I am not saying that you are a bad dad, however, I do know that I heard and saw everything, day in and day out, although I never expressed my internal turmoil. I still feel to this day, if I could have just had a break, had the opportunity to interface with other kids in a neutral enviorment, it would have helped me, it would have given me some peace.
Your wife? Well, you cannot reason with an unreasonable person. She is sick, she is toxic, and, does not have your sons best interest at heart, it is obvious that you do.
I am so very sorry that your son has to be exposed to this addiction, you are his anchor, keep your resolve and above all keep him as your priorty.
Keep posting, great support system here.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
I posted this in the Newcomers forum so I copied it here:
Steve, I want to comment further on your post. I was "that wife." I didn't have the abuse or neglect outright as a child but the alcoholism runs in my family and I witnessed a lot as a child.
My husband and I got to the point you are at right now with your wife. My husband tried to talk to me, told my doctor (I switched doctors), etc. I didn't do anything about my problem until he took action on his own for HIMSELF. My husband told me, "I will not allow alcohol in the house any longer and I will be attending weekly Alanon meetings." I was like, wow he really cares about me and our relationship, he is going to get his own help!!!! So that night I went to an AA meeting.
I'm not saying your wife will respond as quickly as I did but what I think will eventually happen is she will see you detaching with love and taking care of yourself. Once she sees this she will realize you mean business. Your son deserves this from you. He is young and doesn't yet have a voice or the ability to take action. You have to do this on behalf of your son.
Your wife is most likely evaluating her situation even though she's not letting you in on it. I bet you anything she is feeling pretty badly about herself. I can also bet that even though she is working and maintaining a level of responsibility she is suffering physically as well.
Separete yourself from her emotionally and don't engage in ANY discussion of drinking with her. Go to meetings - kids can go and play while you talk. Your son will start to know what's up pretty soon so the quicker you can get yourself support the better.
Since I was the wife in this sinario please let me know if you have any questions and I will try to help if I can in a small way.
Steve, I want to comment further on your post. I was "that wife." I didn't have the abuse or neglect outright as a child but the alcoholism runs in my family and I witnessed a lot as a child.
My husband and I got to the point you are at right now with your wife. My husband tried to talk to me, told my doctor (I switched doctors), etc. I didn't do anything about my problem until he took action on his own for HIMSELF. My husband told me, "I will not allow alcohol in the house any longer and I will be attending weekly Alanon meetings." I was like, wow he really cares about me and our relationship, he is going to get his own help!!!! So that night I went to an AA meeting.
I'm not saying your wife will respond as quickly as I did but what I think will eventually happen is she will see you detaching with love and taking care of yourself. Once she sees this she will realize you mean business. Your son deserves this from you. He is young and doesn't yet have a voice or the ability to take action. You have to do this on behalf of your son.
Your wife is most likely evaluating her situation even though she's not letting you in on it. I bet you anything she is feeling pretty badly about herself. I can also bet that even though she is working and maintaining a level of responsibility she is suffering physically as well.
Separete yourself from her emotionally and don't engage in ANY discussion of drinking with her. Go to meetings - kids can go and play while you talk. Your son will start to know what's up pretty soon so the quicker you can get yourself support the better.
Since I was the wife in this sinario please let me know if you have any questions and I will try to help if I can in a small way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Hello Steve,
Two things you may want to try.
She may genuinely not recall what she says or does while she is under the influence. If you have a digital camera that records video, it may help to get some footage so you can show it to her when she is sober.
You can try keeping a digital audio recorder in your pocket during your next argument and play it back the following day.
If she is genuinely shocked at her behavior, you might want to get her to read "Under the Influence" by James Milam.
Might be tricky to get her to read it, but it was eye opening for me. Pretty difficult to lie to yourself after reading that book.
Two things you may want to try.
She may genuinely not recall what she says or does while she is under the influence. If you have a digital camera that records video, it may help to get some footage so you can show it to her when she is sober.
You can try keeping a digital audio recorder in your pocket during your next argument and play it back the following day.
If she is genuinely shocked at her behavior, you might want to get her to read "Under the Influence" by James Milam.
Might be tricky to get her to read it, but it was eye opening for me. Pretty difficult to lie to yourself after reading that book.
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