Yet Another Newbie

Old 06-07-2011, 09:25 PM
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Yet Another Newbie

My ABF, or I guess in this state, we are common law married, have split up. I asked him to move out after he went on a 3 day bender that ended very early Sunday morning with me calling the police. He left. He checked into a rehab facility this afternoon. He called me from there and gave me his "code".

The first 2 years we were together, he seemed more of a social drinker, only on weekends and in moderation. Nothing got out of hand. By the third year, things seemed to decline. For awhile I found myself drinking right along with him to find him tolerable when he was drinking. Well, that just led to chaos and fighting. This past year, I have stopped drinking. I have teen boys living at home, and the drama was getting old and dangerous.

ABF, has had a typical pattern over the last 6 months or so. He'll do fine for a few weeks, then go on a 3-4 day bender drinking hidden vodka, lying about it, etc. It usually ends with him going psycho or suicidal in a black out. I guess I told him "last time" twice. Sunday, I meant it. I called the police, which means CPS is now involved even though my one son that was home slept through it all (Thank God!) ABF left. I'll give him credit for that. I won't go into all the horrid things he's done during his black outs. I posted a bit of that on the "normies" thread.

The sad thing is I miss him. He is the kindest, gentlest, thoughtful, witty, intelligent man I've ever met when he's sober. But he's a monster drunk. I hope he gets better.

He got laid off from a very high paying job about 8 months ago. We moved to be closer to my family, and hoping he would find better job opportunities. I found a decent paying job almost 2 months ago. It's high-stress and long hours. I'm pissed off at him for letting me down. He took care of everything at home while I worked, even cooking dinner. It's hard being a single mom. It's definitely something I'm not used to. I spent a good portion of the night trying to figure out our finances and what bills needed paying. He handled all of that. I've created a budget, and it's looking great. Quite a surplus even. We stayed out of debt, both cars paid for, and bought a modestly priced home.

I run on about 6 hours sleep a night. This is my first downtime of the day. I still have 3 loads of laundry to do before bed. At first I wondered how do people do this? I got home from work about 7:30pm. Picked up my kids from the sitter. Watered the flower and herb beds. Cooked, cleaned, worked on the bills and the budget. I even fixed a minor electrical problem. I'm proud of myself. I can do this!

I also have to increase my bi-lingual skills for work, and I attend online school. I'm dropping down to half-time for that, but getting my degree is extremely important to me. I know I'm spreading myself thin, and I hope I don't break under all this pressure. I don't want to lose my job, but this situation has me so stressed that work becomes overwhelming and I practically go into a panic sometimes. I feel like an idiot at work. I have so much to learn. Most of my coworkers are always too busy to help me much, and one is just a complete jerk that seems to intentionally give me wrong information when I ask.

I also wish the best for ABF in his recovery. I'm not sure I'll ever be willing to take him back. I know that's what he's hoping for. I miss the sweet him, not the monster. Anyway, one day at a time and all. Today was hard, but I feel a sense of accomplishment and empowerment that I haven't felt in a very long time.
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Old 06-07-2011, 09:30 PM
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Hi, Keplar and welcome!
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Old 06-07-2011, 09:38 PM
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Hi there. Welcome. I am so glad you are here.
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Old 06-07-2011, 10:10 PM
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Welcome. When you feel stressed you can come here and find people who get it and are willing to give you a shoulder to lean on.
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Old 06-07-2011, 10:35 PM
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Thanks everyone. I'm glad to be here. I'm surprised at how relieved I have been feeling that he is gone. I haven't shed a single tear today. I just refuse to. I truly hope he gets better. I have no idea if he will ever be included in my future plans. I know there are legal issues that will have to be dealt with and all.

I have some guilt. I feel like I've just tossed him to the curb. A couple of years ago, he stuck by me through some rough stuff before I was diagnosed with PMDD and got treatment for it. Sometimes I think my illness "drove him to drinking" as they say. I guess the difference is that I have children. They aren't his. He has none of his own. I just can't put them through this crap anymore. I am keeping him on my medical insurance, so at least most of the cost of his treatment will be paid for.

One thing that bothers me a bit is that when he called earlier this evening, I asked if he had spoken to his family about all of this yet. He said no. I know he's ashamed and embarrassed, but I will feel badly for them if they call him and just keep getting his voicemail. I'm not sure if its my place to let them know what's going on or not.
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Old 06-08-2011, 04:41 AM
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Hi,

Sounds like you have a full plate. What are your teenage sons doing to help you?
Perhaps you can enlist them to give you a hand.

As for ABF and his family, I would recommend "Hands Off", this is his responsibility to speak to them.

Have you read Codependent No More? Great little book for "we" codies!

Keep posting, we are here for you.
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Old 06-08-2011, 05:31 AM
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Hello Keplar, glad you found us.
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Old 06-08-2011, 06:55 AM
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Glad you're here, and welcome!!!
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Old 06-08-2011, 07:37 AM
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Welcome, and good for you for taking care of yourself and your children.

I can relate to the guilt feeling, the feeling of kicking him to the curb. I felt that for the longest time, until somehow it clicked for me (know how you can hear the same thing 500 times and the 501st all of a sudden you "hear it" for the first time?) that I had an absolute right to take care of myself and my children...

As for the "how do you do everything as a single mom?" issue -- I don't know how other people do it, but I know how I do it: I lower my standards. Right now, my house is a mess (just got back from camping so there's sleeping bags hanging everywhere and clothes -- some washed, some not -- drying over all the chairs) and that's OK. I deal with it little by little, and so what if everything isn't always perfect and there are nights we have oatmeal for dinner because I haven't had the time & energy to run to the store?

Give yourself a lot of grace. Forget about being perfect. And take care of yourself.
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Old 06-08-2011, 07:42 AM
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Hi Keplar and welcome.

((((hugs))))

Don't feel guilty you did what is right for you and your kids. Good for you.

BTW Boxed Macaroni and cheese. Filling, easy and cheap. What more could you want?
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Old 06-08-2011, 05:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Keplar View Post
I have some guilt. I feel like I've just tossed him to the curb. A couple of years ago, he stuck by me through some rough stuff before I was diagnosed with PMDD and got treatment for it. Sometimes I think my illness "drove him to drinking" as they say.
Please listen very carefully, with your heart, to the following...because it is one of the most true things I've ever learned:

YOU did not Cause HIS drinking.
YOU cannot Cure HIS drinking.
You cannot Control HIS drinking.

He's like you to believe you can do the three things above, because then he does not have to take responsibility for his life, his choices, his decisions, his drinking, his pain, his crappy treatment of you. It is all a BIG, FAT, GIANT LIE designed to keep you around so HE can CONTINUE DRINKING.

As for the single mom thing...you've got teenaged kids, not the easiest age bracket. But it'll be a piece of cake compared to caring for, cleaning up after and taking care of a man-sized infant.

Keep moving forward, you're doing great.
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Old 06-08-2011, 06:46 PM
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Originally Posted by dollydo View Post
Hi,

Sounds like you have a full plate. What are your teenage sons doing to help you?
Perhaps you can enlist them to give you a hand.

As for ABF and his family, I would recommend "Hands Off", this is his responsibility to speak to them.

Have you read Codependent No More? Great little book for "we" codies!

Keep posting, we are here for you.
I haven't read it. I'll have to hit Amazon. I just talked to him on the phone. He got his first "coin" apparently. He started talking about coming home when he was finished. I don't really want him to come home.

The kids are 12 & 15. My oldest is the most helpful, but he's staying with his grandparents for the summer now. He has a job at his uncle's feed store, and it's about 2 hours away.

Thanks everyone for all the kind words and advice.
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Old 06-08-2011, 07:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Keplar View Post
He is the kindest, gentlest, thoughtful, witty, intelligent man I've ever met when he's sober. But he's a monster drunk. I hope he gets better.
Yep. this is what makes us so compatible with alcoholics. We as a species seem to have an amazing ability to forget about all the ridiculous behaviors and tell ourselves how nice our spouses are.

But the unfortunate reality is we are simply living in a delusion of our own. And hoping for a future that will never happen. That hope seems to bound us along.

Would a normal, well balanced person put up with this Jekyll and Hyde behavior for more than 10 minutes? I doubt it.

What would it be like to be with someone who was similarly kind, gentle, thoughtful, witty, and intelligent....ALL THE TIME?

Good question I think.

It is unlikely he will get better. They seem to have an equally amazing ability for self destruction. It could happen. It's possible.

Just unlikely.
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Old 06-08-2011, 07:46 PM
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welcome.

this is a terrific site; glad you found us.

i guess i would not inform his people; that's his to do.
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Old 06-09-2011, 03:10 AM
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hi kepler-

if you don't want him to come back, that is your choice. it was hard for me in the beginning to begin making choices for me. i was so used to taking care of him and putting out the fires he started.

in the beginning, when faced with a choice or one of his demands, i used to ask myself "what do i want?". this was a good practice for me. i knew what i wanted but oftentimes, it went against what xABF wanted. i began slowly making decisions in my best interest...

you boyfriend is in rehab and they will have resources for him when he gets out...outpatient programs, sober houses, therapy...and there is always AA for him...

he's a grown man. let him stand on his own two feet. you've got enough on your plate without a third child (him) to take care of. true recovery is a long process...spare yourself the front row seat...

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