update
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
update
hi everyone,
sorry i have not been around, but it was better for me that way. i sometimes languished here and it was better for me to detach as this kept things too close for me.
there's a lot of details i will leave out in order to keep this brief. i can fill in any pieces as needed.
basically my alo was out on the streets and doing very poorly. i saw a rapid decline in her on many levels. she made an appointment for a program so i agreed to let her crash at night to keep her safe until it started, but she would need to find a place to live. on her own she decided she did not want to wait, that couldnt wait, she needed a change now. she looked into some stuff and entered an intensive out patient program about 10 hours from where we live. she is staying with a friend, has her own room and bathroom and a car to use. she has joined a couple groups for therapy and sounds like a new person. it is early, but i am being supportive and hopeful for her recovery.
i am doing my normal stuff again which is mostly keeping up with my house. and working on myself. its a bittersweet thing in that i miss her in some ways, but i am glad she is seeking treatment. i have found anew therapist as my last one was not a bit too green.
i am trying to let this all be about her recovery and trying not to implant any of my insecurities or need for reassurance into it. i am kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop and have her say she needs to move on without me. but if that is what she needs then i will be ok with that. i will be sad that i never had the chance to know her totally clean, but it is something i cannot control.
it is nice to finally be able to relax a bit and let her find her way. i probably could have or should have done things differently but this was my path and i am glad i saw her thru to the end.
sorry i have not been around, but it was better for me that way. i sometimes languished here and it was better for me to detach as this kept things too close for me.
there's a lot of details i will leave out in order to keep this brief. i can fill in any pieces as needed.
basically my alo was out on the streets and doing very poorly. i saw a rapid decline in her on many levels. she made an appointment for a program so i agreed to let her crash at night to keep her safe until it started, but she would need to find a place to live. on her own she decided she did not want to wait, that couldnt wait, she needed a change now. she looked into some stuff and entered an intensive out patient program about 10 hours from where we live. she is staying with a friend, has her own room and bathroom and a car to use. she has joined a couple groups for therapy and sounds like a new person. it is early, but i am being supportive and hopeful for her recovery.
i am doing my normal stuff again which is mostly keeping up with my house. and working on myself. its a bittersweet thing in that i miss her in some ways, but i am glad she is seeking treatment. i have found anew therapist as my last one was not a bit too green.
i am trying to let this all be about her recovery and trying not to implant any of my insecurities or need for reassurance into it. i am kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop and have her say she needs to move on without me. but if that is what she needs then i will be ok with that. i will be sad that i never had the chance to know her totally clean, but it is something i cannot control.
it is nice to finally be able to relax a bit and let her find her way. i probably could have or should have done things differently but this was my path and i am glad i saw her thru to the end.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
i am trying to let this all be about her recovery
i am glad i saw her thru to the end.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
kiki-
swweeeet. i love hendrix and had no idea what to expect on the link. i havent listened to this in forever. i went from this to if 6 was 9 then castles made of sand- melt into the sea...eventually
chino-
thanks for the well wishes. what i meant about it being about her recovery, is that i am not expecting anything, i no concepts of a future dont exist right now.
i am just not certain how to proceed as a friend with her having to deal with so much right now.
swweeeet. i love hendrix and had no idea what to expect on the link. i havent listened to this in forever. i went from this to if 6 was 9 then castles made of sand- melt into the sea...eventually
chino-
thanks for the well wishes. what i meant about it being about her recovery, is that i am not expecting anything, i no concepts of a future dont exist right now.
i am just not certain how to proceed as a friend with her having to deal with so much right now.
Yankee
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 183
For me personally, being there as a friend to my ex/addict fiance is too much for me. It hinders my own recovery, and this must be about me first. So I have cut off all communication since the middle of Feb. Now this is what is best for me, have you ever considered if maybe cutting off all communications could be what you need right now?
I wish her well in her program, sounds like this is the best thing that has happened for her in a long time.
Take care of you Steve, you deserve it.
I wish her well in her program, sounds like this is the best thing that has happened for her in a long time.
Take care of you Steve, you deserve it.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Steve,
Good to hear how you are doing - and I put the emphasis on YOU! It's hard for me to keep the focus on me but my recovery is teaching me more and more about that.
Knowing how close to hang to SR is good self care - if it is triggering that it's important to take breaks. Just know that we are all always here.
I am focusing on detaching from my loved one these days and learning how to go it alone. Some hours are better than others but at least there is a positive trend going.
Hope that things continue to go well. Maybe this time with be the time for your friend. I'm sending thoughts and prayers.
Good to hear how you are doing - and I put the emphasis on YOU! It's hard for me to keep the focus on me but my recovery is teaching me more and more about that.
Knowing how close to hang to SR is good self care - if it is triggering that it's important to take breaks. Just know that we are all always here.
I am focusing on detaching from my loved one these days and learning how to go it alone. Some hours are better than others but at least there is a positive trend going.
Hope that things continue to go well. Maybe this time with be the time for your friend. I'm sending thoughts and prayers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
misstara-
i realloy honestly do not know if no communication is best or not. i still do not put myself entirely first. i was able to at times when in the middle of things, but i am not sure how i feel cutting off ties with her now that she has started something good. i am merely floating along reacting to her. i am certain she needs lots of space right now and will also be forming ties with people down there. i have to adjust to go from being the person she turned to and opened up to, to the person on the sideline.
i've never experienced being with someone or friends with someone fresh into recovery.
i understand it is a difficult time for the addict. i was so involved that only now i see how sick she was/is.
my fears are that she will break all contact as part of recovery, but i have to remmeber that her recovery was the most important thing to me and the reason i got involved. i have to keep fixing me too.
i realloy honestly do not know if no communication is best or not. i still do not put myself entirely first. i was able to at times when in the middle of things, but i am not sure how i feel cutting off ties with her now that she has started something good. i am merely floating along reacting to her. i am certain she needs lots of space right now and will also be forming ties with people down there. i have to adjust to go from being the person she turned to and opened up to, to the person on the sideline.
i've never experienced being with someone or friends with someone fresh into recovery.
i understand it is a difficult time for the addict. i was so involved that only now i see how sick she was/is.
my fears are that she will break all contact as part of recovery, but i have to remmeber that her recovery was the most important thing to me and the reason i got involved. i have to keep fixing me too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I can only tell you my own experience as it unfolded. In the beginning he was clamoring to stay in touch with me, as it progressed he (or his program) realized that was a huge distraction to his recovery. Now I haven't spoken to him/heard from him in months.
It hurt like anything but I know that projecting my hurt and insecurity in letters isn't going to help at all. I only want him to get well. Rehab/recovery isn't about us, has nothing to do with us and will not involve us. She may not even think of you until she is ready to process what she has put others through and even then she will do it carefully with the assitance of her program. It is a tough road for her but it is great that she took a major step to do this!
In the meantime, live your life. If it helps to write a supportive letter then fine but if you are writing to lament then try not to do that. Lament on SR
Nice to hear from you too.. and glad you got a new therapist. If she cuts off contact, remember that 'forever' is a very long time. You are doing the right thing by giving her space but I know how tough it is.
Think of it this way, if she does reach out to you later on then you will know that you hold a special place in her life; in the meantime, treat yourself special and work on you...
It hurt like anything but I know that projecting my hurt and insecurity in letters isn't going to help at all. I only want him to get well. Rehab/recovery isn't about us, has nothing to do with us and will not involve us. She may not even think of you until she is ready to process what she has put others through and even then she will do it carefully with the assitance of her program. It is a tough road for her but it is great that she took a major step to do this!
In the meantime, live your life. If it helps to write a supportive letter then fine but if you are writing to lament then try not to do that. Lament on SR
Nice to hear from you too.. and glad you got a new therapist. If she cuts off contact, remember that 'forever' is a very long time. You are doing the right thing by giving her space but I know how tough it is.
Think of it this way, if she does reach out to you later on then you will know that you hold a special place in her life; in the meantime, treat yourself special and work on you...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by steve1840 
my fears are that she will break all contact as part of recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
if anyone checked out the link kiki sent and liked it, here's another-
YouTube - ‪Robin Trower - Bridge of Sighs‬‏
why so unforgiving
why so cold
been a long time crossing
bridge of sighs
dang- this song gives me goosebumps!
YouTube - ‪Robin Trower - Bridge of Sighs‬‏
why so unforgiving
why so cold
been a long time crossing
bridge of sighs
dang- this song gives me goosebumps!
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