miller

I have to make amends with my wife. We are going through a divorce, but we still talk. Should I do it through an email or try and sit her down and talk?

Kjell

Hi Miller-

Have you worked the previous 8 steps with a sponsor? If you haven't, then put off step 9 until you get to it. There's a reason they're in order. (I ask b/c I saw you posted in the step 1 section too).

I had about 80 names on my step 9 amend list and I've got about 20 more to do. I have a lot of amends out-of-state, but even the ones who are in my area, I send them a quick, to-the-point email asking there permission to contact them to make amends. Some have requested I do it via email or even FB, but most agree to let me call.

Any amends I'm able to do face-to-face I do.

Kjell~

totfit

I don't know that making amends during a divorce process would be a good time. Probably no matter what you did at this point, your soon to be ex would not take it seriously. Many amends need to be made over time. Could be the best thing you could do right now is just to give her space. I really don't know though as I am not in your situation.

EricL

I agree with kjell.

We need to be willing to make such amends, no matter how hard. Though we first take it to god, and discuss it with our sponsors/other people, to decide how and when to make direct amends.

I too contact the person in question when it comes time, and ask their permission to meet with them, briefly explaining why. At the appointment I then explain why I am making the amends (I may not recover without making such amends), address the relationship and where I was wrong (leaving out their part). Next I ask them what I can do to set things right, by doing so I am offering myself to god under the premise that whatever they decide would make things right is god's direction for me. Then I do my best to live up to the agreement whether its paying them back, or staying away forever or what have you.

I do believe "living amends" are important, its necessary to change my behavior, not do the same things I had done before. However, it is equally important that I make face to face amends and address the situation whenever logistically possible. Sometimes this requires great effort (ie traveling out of state), other times this requires great uncomfortability on my part (ie. addressing my affair with my wife). Regardless, I have to be willing to do so.

If I find myself unwilling, I find it helpful to revisit early work, chiefly:
1.) Am I real drunk who has been put into a place of being beyond human aid?
2.) God is either everything or he is nothing, what do I believe?
3.) Am I willing to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol?

DayTrader

yeah, me too (agree with Kjell).

not that you "can't" give it a shot before getting there in the steps, but you'll increase the chances of causing less harm, increase the odds of doing them "correctly" (assuming there IS such a thing.....which, in some cases, there is), and you'll probably be able to be more open and honest........if you work the previous steps.

My real experience, I made "amends" to my ex-wife too early. As time passes, it became obvious that I'd left out a lot......not the least of which was not doing anything to shore things up with her. I basically had done a glorified "I'm sorry and I'm changing" speech. I had to go back many months later and do it again...the right way.

My intentions WERE good on that first go-around. I WAS sorry and I wanted her to know. The downfall was I was too impatient and impulsive......AND I wouldn't listen to direction when I was told to cool my jets and wait a bit until we got there in the work.

It didn't cause any great harms......but it could have been handled more professionally, ya know?

Not sure if the same is true for you......but it's just something to think about and run by your sponsor.