Dad - Cruel to be kind?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3
Dad - Cruel to be kind?
Hello everyone
This is my first post.
My Dad has been an alcoholic for 25 years. His drinking caused the the demise of my parents marriage some 17 years ago. After that I spent years trying to get my Dad off the booze, rescued him from suicide attempts (which were just cries for help) and in the process went through a total and debilitating breakdown myself.
Then, for nearly 15 years he sorted himself out. He found a new partner, and even ran some AA meetings as a 'case study'.
I also sorted myself out - set up a business, got married and have two amazing kids age 7 and 4.
In the last few months it's become apparent that Dad is drinking again. I've tried to support him, he's promised to sort it out, but the bottom line is that he hasn't.
I've wrestled with this and I've come to the conclusion that he needs to sort it out on his own. My priorities are to my young family and I can't risk slipping into the same sort of mental anguish that I had before because now I have to put bread on the table.
The problem is that behind the booze my Dad is a good bloke and a great Granddad. So this decision is killing me.
I now live 200 miles from him so he is basically on his own, but last time he had to hit rock bottom before he stopped drinking with some degree of permanence. Last time it took years to reach that stage, I'm not willing to wait that long.
Perhaps I am being too much of a hard-ass, but I can't see any alternative. Any advice would be appreciated - and I don't mind if you think I am being foolish in my approach!
He was sober for years, I just want that to return.
Thanks
This is my first post.
My Dad has been an alcoholic for 25 years. His drinking caused the the demise of my parents marriage some 17 years ago. After that I spent years trying to get my Dad off the booze, rescued him from suicide attempts (which were just cries for help) and in the process went through a total and debilitating breakdown myself.
Then, for nearly 15 years he sorted himself out. He found a new partner, and even ran some AA meetings as a 'case study'.
I also sorted myself out - set up a business, got married and have two amazing kids age 7 and 4.
In the last few months it's become apparent that Dad is drinking again. I've tried to support him, he's promised to sort it out, but the bottom line is that he hasn't.
I've wrestled with this and I've come to the conclusion that he needs to sort it out on his own. My priorities are to my young family and I can't risk slipping into the same sort of mental anguish that I had before because now I have to put bread on the table.
The problem is that behind the booze my Dad is a good bloke and a great Granddad. So this decision is killing me.
I now live 200 miles from him so he is basically on his own, but last time he had to hit rock bottom before he stopped drinking with some degree of permanence. Last time it took years to reach that stage, I'm not willing to wait that long.
Perhaps I am being too much of a hard-ass, but I can't see any alternative. Any advice would be appreciated - and I don't mind if you think I am being foolish in my approach!
He was sober for years, I just want that to return.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
WELCOME!!!
BRAVO! Good for you for being such a thoughtful and responsible partner and parent.
Please remember: THE THREE Cs
I Didn't Cause It, I Can't Control It, I Can't Cure It
I can imagine that you are in tremendous pain over your decision. Remembering the above might help you stay strong in your resolve to put your children, your spouse and yourself first.
Your father's journey is his to travel alone.
I don't know if this will help too.
I had a grandmother who was an alcoholic.
It was terrifying and embarrassing for me to be around her when I was a child.
If he is drinking again he is not at this moment a "great granddad".
Great Granddads are sober.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hope you will find much support on this forum!
Originally Posted by StrugglingSon 
Hello everyone
My priorities are to my young family
My priorities are to my young family
Please remember: THE THREE Cs
I Didn't Cause It, I Can't Control It, I Can't Cure It
I can imagine that you are in tremendous pain over your decision. Remembering the above might help you stay strong in your resolve to put your children, your spouse and yourself first.
Your father's journey is his to travel alone.
I don't know if this will help too.
I had a grandmother who was an alcoholic.
It was terrifying and embarrassing for me to be around her when I was a child.
If he is drinking again he is not at this moment a "great granddad".
Great Granddads are sober.
I'm sorry you are going through this, and I hope you will find much support on this forum!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome!
The "A" in my family is my mother, she will soon be 86 and has been drinking for at least 66 years, non-stop, I am sure that she could be in the Guiness Book Of World Records, if they had a catagory for her type of achievement.
Dealing with her has been h*ll, there have been times I have gone NC with her, as I could no longer take her abuse. The last time was for 10 years, I took that time to work on me, I learned how to detach and set my bounderies in concrete. She is aware of my bounderies, if she crosses them, she knows what the outcome will be.
My point is, live your life, protect your family from this horrible disease, keep your bounderies in place and let him take care of him. This is his responsibility, not yours.
He is a big boy and there is nothing you can do.
To me, your approach is spot on.
The "A" in my family is my mother, she will soon be 86 and has been drinking for at least 66 years, non-stop, I am sure that she could be in the Guiness Book Of World Records, if they had a catagory for her type of achievement.
Dealing with her has been h*ll, there have been times I have gone NC with her, as I could no longer take her abuse. The last time was for 10 years, I took that time to work on me, I learned how to detach and set my bounderies in concrete. She is aware of my bounderies, if she crosses them, she knows what the outcome will be.
My point is, live your life, protect your family from this horrible disease, keep your bounderies in place and let him take care of him. This is his responsibility, not yours.
He is a big boy and there is nothing you can do.
To me, your approach is spot on.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
You will find information and support for yourself here. You will find a lot of support (based on experience) from members who have had to cut off contact with alcoholic loved ones. Immediate family included.
Your normal friends (not exposed to addiction) and in-laws may not understand your actions. That's ok. We hope they never have to learn the life lesson of living with addiction.
As a wise woman on this site pointed out to me: "What other people think of me is none of my business" (Thank you CatsPajamas)
You have two amazing kids. They look to you for protection, emotional support, and direction.
Keeping contact with an active alcoholic sends the message to them that we should tolerate unacceptable behaviors because we are related.
It also sets the example that we willingly expose ourselves (and others) to unhealthy situations because we don't have the power to say no.
As for me and my household, that is not how I want to live my life; and it is not the example I wish to set for my children.
I give you:
Good Dad!
You will find information and support for yourself here. You will find a lot of support (based on experience) from members who have had to cut off contact with alcoholic loved ones. Immediate family included.
Your normal friends (not exposed to addiction) and in-laws may not understand your actions. That's ok. We hope they never have to learn the life lesson of living with addiction.
As a wise woman on this site pointed out to me: "What other people think of me is none of my business" (Thank you CatsPajamas)
You have two amazing kids. They look to you for protection, emotional support, and direction.
Keeping contact with an active alcoholic sends the message to them that we should tolerate unacceptable behaviors because we are related.
It also sets the example that we willingly expose ourselves (and others) to unhealthy situations because we don't have the power to say no.
As for me and my household, that is not how I want to live my life; and it is not the example I wish to set for my children.
I give you:
Good Dad!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3
Wow THANK YOU for taking the time to comment, and for being so straight.
I'll be honest and tell you that these comments moved me to tears. This sort of support gives me the encouragement to continue what I have started. I know you don't know me, but you have helped define the clarity upon which I view this situation. It's very (and surprisingly) powerful.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
I wish you all well with your own lives. Whilst it's helpful to know I'm not alone, these are not good circumstances for anyone.
I can't tell you how glad I am that I posted.
Thanks.
D
I'll be honest and tell you that these comments moved me to tears. This sort of support gives me the encouragement to continue what I have started. I know you don't know me, but you have helped define the clarity upon which I view this situation. It's very (and surprisingly) powerful.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
I wish you all well with your own lives. Whilst it's helpful to know I'm not alone, these are not good circumstances for anyone.
I can't tell you how glad I am that I posted.
Thanks.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
You seem to be farther ahead than I was in dealing with my alcoholic father. I think you are doing an amazing job.
I'm glad you are here. Keep posting and reading, I can already tell you have a lot to contribute.
I'm glad you are here. Keep posting and reading, I can already tell you have a lot to contribute.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
StrugglingSon, remember your not doing this to punish him, your doing it to procect yourself and your family. There is no cruelty involved.
He will get sober again when he is ready and not one minute sooner.
(((hugs)))
He will get sober again when he is ready and not one minute sooner.
(((hugs)))
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Struggling,
I'm glad you took the step to post. I know there are lurkers here for a long time before they find the courage to post. That is one courageous post in my opinion.
I, too, am an ACoA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic). My bio-dad got sober and the last time I had contact with him, he was sober, but was a raging dry drunk. He never really lost the raging part of his alcoholism. I made a choice to separate my little family from him so that my child had the opportunity to live life without the distractions of the disease of alcoholism.
Then, I chose a wonderful, loving partner in my life several years ago. He has helped me raise my DS thus far. Great guy. Guess what? Yep, alcoholic. I didn't even see the forest for the trees until about 10 months ago.
We've recently separated.
I question my choices, too. I wonder if my courage and strength isn't some kind of righteous bravado. Living the peace that my DS and I live right now, I have to say, "No, I'm doing the right thing."
I've learned to live Moment to Moment more than just taking things a Day at a Time.
I recommend that you keep reading here. Knowledge is power. I also recommend you become involved in your local Al-anon group to gain insight on your own recovery. It's important to keep checks on our co-dependency.
I'm glad you took the step to post. I know there are lurkers here for a long time before they find the courage to post. That is one courageous post in my opinion.
I, too, am an ACoA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic). My bio-dad got sober and the last time I had contact with him, he was sober, but was a raging dry drunk. He never really lost the raging part of his alcoholism. I made a choice to separate my little family from him so that my child had the opportunity to live life without the distractions of the disease of alcoholism.
Then, I chose a wonderful, loving partner in my life several years ago. He has helped me raise my DS thus far. Great guy. Guess what? Yep, alcoholic. I didn't even see the forest for the trees until about 10 months ago.
We've recently separated.
I question my choices, too. I wonder if my courage and strength isn't some kind of righteous bravado. Living the peace that my DS and I live right now, I have to say, "No, I'm doing the right thing."
I've learned to live Moment to Moment more than just taking things a Day at a Time.
I recommend that you keep reading here. Knowledge is power. I also recommend you become involved in your local Al-anon group to gain insight on your own recovery. It's important to keep checks on our co-dependency.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: The Bayou City
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by StrugglingSon
Hello everyone
This is my first post.
My Dad has been an alcoholic for 25 years. His drinking caused the the demise of my parents marriage some 17 years ago. After that I spent years trying to get my Dad off the booze, rescued him from suicide attempts (which were just cries for help) and in the process went through a total and debilitating breakdown myself.
Then, for nearly 15 years he sorted himself out. He found a new partner, and even ran some AA meetings as a 'case study'.
I also sorted myself out - set up a business, got married and have two amazing kids age 7 and 4.
In the last few months it's become apparent that Dad is drinking again. I've tried to support him, he's promised to sort it out, but the bottom line is that he hasn't.
I've wrestled with this and I've come to the conclusion that he needs to sort it out on his own. My priorities are to my young family and I can't risk slipping into the same sort of mental anguish that I had before because now I have to put bread on the table.
The problem is that behind the booze my Dad is a good bloke and a great Granddad. So this decision is killing me.
I now live 200 miles from him so he is basically on his own, but last time he had to hit rock bottom before he stopped drinking with some degree of permanence. Last time it took years to reach that stage, I'm not willing to wait that long.
Perhaps I am being too much of a hard-ass, but I can't see any alternative. Any advice would be appreciated - and I don't mind if you think I am being foolish in my approach!
He was sober for years, I just want that to return.
Thanks
This is my first post.
My Dad has been an alcoholic for 25 years. His drinking caused the the demise of my parents marriage some 17 years ago. After that I spent years trying to get my Dad off the booze, rescued him from suicide attempts (which were just cries for help) and in the process went through a total and debilitating breakdown myself.
Then, for nearly 15 years he sorted himself out. He found a new partner, and even ran some AA meetings as a 'case study'.
I also sorted myself out - set up a business, got married and have two amazing kids age 7 and 4.
In the last few months it's become apparent that Dad is drinking again. I've tried to support him, he's promised to sort it out, but the bottom line is that he hasn't.
I've wrestled with this and I've come to the conclusion that he needs to sort it out on his own. My priorities are to my young family and I can't risk slipping into the same sort of mental anguish that I had before because now I have to put bread on the table.
The problem is that behind the booze my Dad is a good bloke and a great Granddad. So this decision is killing me.
I now live 200 miles from him so he is basically on his own, but last time he had to hit rock bottom before he stopped drinking with some degree of permanence. Last time it took years to reach that stage, I'm not willing to wait that long.
Perhaps I am being too much of a hard-ass, but I can't see any alternative. Any advice would be appreciated - and I don't mind if you think I am being foolish in my approach!
He was sober for years, I just want that to return.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 130
Welcome 
. I have so many A's in my family I've lost count, but the earliest and biggest impact on me was my mother. She took a lot of years to finally quit, and it took her entire family moving away and cutting off contact before she finally hit bottom -- and it took six years. Now she and I are slowly rebuilding a relationship, and she has managed to stay sober despite living with her own AH. That said, there is no cut-and-dry answer that will work for everyone, and I am struggling with something similar concerning my stepdad -- he is a wonderful grandfather and loves spending time with the kids, he's always amiable and has so much fun playing their games on their level with them...but he's always drunk. I'm still searching for an answer on that one.
While I was reading your post, I also couldn't help but wonder if this is the story my 16-year-old stepson will be telling years down the road. I have only started recovery from my co-dependence myself, and am struggling with my AH on so many levels. It's been hard knowing how to help my stepson (who doesn't live with us, but is extremely close to his father who raised him for the first few years of his life), though I've encouraged him to seek out support from Alanon or Alateen, or from his mom...she was a cocaine addict for years but cleaned up when he was born, and I suspect she understands what's going on with the alcohol better than I do. She had 11 years with my husband, and I have only been with him for three -- and I'm not a heck of a lot older than my stepson, so I'm not exactly feeling like the wise ol' owl.
I guess the best I can say is that it's a journey for all of us, and each decision is about what's best for ourselves and our family right now. You can't second-guess the future, and if you feel being around your dad is harmful (or potentially so) for you or your kids, then maybe that's telling you something.
. I have so many A's in my family I've lost count, but the earliest and biggest impact on me was my mother. She took a lot of years to finally quit, and it took her entire family moving away and cutting off contact before she finally hit bottom -- and it took six years. Now she and I are slowly rebuilding a relationship, and she has managed to stay sober despite living with her own AH. That said, there is no cut-and-dry answer that will work for everyone, and I am struggling with something similar concerning my stepdad -- he is a wonderful grandfather and loves spending time with the kids, he's always amiable and has so much fun playing their games on their level with them...but he's always drunk. I'm still searching for an answer on that one.While I was reading your post, I also couldn't help but wonder if this is the story my 16-year-old stepson will be telling years down the road. I have only started recovery from my co-dependence myself, and am struggling with my AH on so many levels. It's been hard knowing how to help my stepson (who doesn't live with us, but is extremely close to his father who raised him for the first few years of his life), though I've encouraged him to seek out support from Alanon or Alateen, or from his mom...she was a cocaine addict for years but cleaned up when he was born, and I suspect she understands what's going on with the alcohol better than I do. She had 11 years with my husband, and I have only been with him for three -- and I'm not a heck of a lot older than my stepson, so I'm not exactly feeling like the wise ol' owl.
I guess the best I can say is that it's a journey for all of us, and each decision is about what's best for ourselves and our family right now. You can't second-guess the future, and if you feel being around your dad is harmful (or potentially so) for you or your kids, then maybe that's telling you something.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Welcome, we are glad you're here!!
I've had to detach from my ASF (alcoholic step father) completely, and have almost gone no contact with him for a couple months now. He's not trying to contact me, and i'm not trying to contact him, it just kind of happened that way. He started drinking again two years ago, (he was only sober for a year or something, if even that) and at my sister's wedding in Feb he told me (slurred words and all) that he was going to drink until he dies. So that was pretty much it, I'm staying as far away as possible now, because I don't have any desire to go through what we went through last time-the arrest, jail, lawyers, losing the house, the debt, everything.
Granted this was all pre-recovery, pre-al anon for me, so i was an absolute mess when the crap hit the fan. Like you, the stress of trying to control, 'help', and clean up his messes was too much... i've had numerous mini breakdowns in the course of my life trying to take care of him. What a relief to discover that I couldn't help him, that I wasn't responsible, and that it was OKAY to continue living my life happily whether the Alcoholic is drinking or not.
You're on a great track, your family is lucky to have you!
I've had to detach from my ASF (alcoholic step father) completely, and have almost gone no contact with him for a couple months now. He's not trying to contact me, and i'm not trying to contact him, it just kind of happened that way. He started drinking again two years ago, (he was only sober for a year or something, if even that) and at my sister's wedding in Feb he told me (slurred words and all) that he was going to drink until he dies. So that was pretty much it, I'm staying as far away as possible now, because I don't have any desire to go through what we went through last time-the arrest, jail, lawyers, losing the house, the debt, everything.
Granted this was all pre-recovery, pre-al anon for me, so i was an absolute mess when the crap hit the fan. Like you, the stress of trying to control, 'help', and clean up his messes was too much... i've had numerous mini breakdowns in the course of my life trying to take care of him. What a relief to discover that I couldn't help him, that I wasn't responsible, and that it was OKAY to continue living my life happily whether the Alcoholic is drinking or not.
You're on a great track, your family is lucky to have you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 3
Thanks again to everyone for your extremely kind and unbelievably supportive comments.
They've had such a huge impact on me. I was trying to work out why and I think it's because, with the exception of my Mum and brother who were both affected by Dad, I think I've only ever spoken to one person who was in a similar situation to me - back when it all was happening the first time around.
In the 'olden days' we didn't have the internet and certainly no forums like this. And I never felt comfortable going to a meeting for some reason. I probably should have.
Here's a thought for anyone reading this thread who may be has not ever made a comment on a forum before - IT HELPS!
For me it's been a sudden and overwhelming tsunami of RELIEF - I am making the right decisions.
The truth is that no-one I know has a 100% trouble and worry-free life. My alcoholic Dad is the most depressing element of my life. But I have a wonderful and immensely supportive wife, and two amazing kids that far outweigh that solitary problem.
I will be there for Dad if he dries out, but only after he has been through rehab and shown he can live a dry life. If he chooses vodka over his family then he's out of my life, and my energy goes into being there for my young family.
My younger brother is still in contact with Dad but I think that will soon end as well.
Then he'll be totally on his own. I think that's what he needs.
Thanks again everyone.
D
They've had such a huge impact on me. I was trying to work out why and I think it's because, with the exception of my Mum and brother who were both affected by Dad, I think I've only ever spoken to one person who was in a similar situation to me - back when it all was happening the first time around.
In the 'olden days' we didn't have the internet and certainly no forums like this. And I never felt comfortable going to a meeting for some reason. I probably should have.
Here's a thought for anyone reading this thread who may be has not ever made a comment on a forum before - IT HELPS!
For me it's been a sudden and overwhelming tsunami of RELIEF - I am making the right decisions.
The truth is that no-one I know has a 100% trouble and worry-free life. My alcoholic Dad is the most depressing element of my life. But I have a wonderful and immensely supportive wife, and two amazing kids that far outweigh that solitary problem.
I will be there for Dad if he dries out, but only after he has been through rehab and shown he can live a dry life. If he chooses vodka over his family then he's out of my life, and my energy goes into being there for my young family.
My younger brother is still in contact with Dad but I think that will soon end as well.
Then he'll be totally on his own. I think that's what he needs.
Thanks again everyone.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Wyoming
Posts: 130
Originally Posted by StrugglingSon
Here's a thought for anyone reading this thread who may be has not ever made a comment on a forum before - IT HELPS!
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Your responsibility now is on your young family. Boundaries are key because I don't think it is ever healthy for a child to become the parent. You deserve a shot at this and getting it right with your own family.
good luck!
good luck!
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