Saberhead

Hello everyone. Im new to the forum, very very glad to have found it. It's 1:03 am in Seattle as I write this. I wonder what time it will be when Im done...

Im a 26 year old college student. Im a double physics/math major, and I've worked so hard to get to where I am now. I used to have a problem with prescription medicine but kicked the habit when I was bed ridden sick for 12 days. My liver was incredibly damaged and I was in the most mental agony I can only describe as what felt like the 7th layer of hell. I have been clean for several years now and thankfully physics and school has completely saved my life.

I am in a relationship with a wonderful guy. The type of person that you fall in love with on your second date. Im not one for romance and what not, but this person is the most incredibly talented, smart, amazing person I've ever been with. I would marry him in a heart beat...if it werent for his alcohol abuse.

Im in mental agony again because I am realizing the severity of his drinking problem. I dont know what to do and all I want to do is talk to people and type it out a million times. Im so used to fixing everything quickly but this is something I cannot fix. That in of itself is hard for me to handle.

This weekend things have come to head. Everytime my bf and i get invited to go somewhere I get a knot in my stomache because I know he is going to drink. A lot. In fact, I KNOW he is going to drink so much that I will not have a good time. Every weekend Im in pain because of his drinking. Every weekend I cant enjoy myself because I have someone attached to me that cant control his alcohol consumption. Its breaking me in every way possible and ruining my feelings for him.

This weekend my bf decided to drink as soon as we got to our friends bbq. I could tell he was nervous,....hes always ALWAYS socially nervous. He drinks because it makes him the "funny" guy. It makes him feel relaxed. It calms his rapid mind down. 5 hours go by. Hes gone through several beers, some wine, a four loco 24 oz can and also proceeds to drink the one bottle of beer I bought for myself. So now I cant even enjoy whatever it was that I purchased for myself...not that I even care at this point.

Its 1 am and we take a bus home because hes so drunk he cant ride his bicycle. On the bus he proceeds to get into a fight with someone (not typical of him but this was a first). We get home at 3 am after walking and somehow we get into an argument. He tells me I "enable" his drinking but then flips the argument around and say I "restrict" him and that he doesnt like how he has to "check in" with me about everything. He wants to "drink, do drugs and fight whenever the hell he wants". <--This is not him talking. I am completely blown away.

I cry myself to sleep for several hours. We wake up the next morning (hes been drinking all night by himself outside while I cried in the bed) and I ask him if he even remembers anything, he said he does but doesnt apologize. I lose my temper and it ALL pours out. Every single weekends worth of agony and embarassment from his drinking, every sleepless night Ive ever had having to walk him home because he cant ride his bike with me back to our place, every single time hes ever brought out a beer when he doesnt need to drink anymore...it just all came out and he cried.

He said he knows he has a problem and he doesnt know whats wrong with him. He hates his life and himself and hates how he is but he doesnt want to talk about it any further. He just cries and lets me hold him and I tell him he can change things easily he just has to make a choice.

3 days have passed and hes had one beer, but I know this isnt over. I dont know what to do except to say Im so incredibly heartbroken finally realizing that this is how he is right now. Hes sick. I have no medicine for him, I have no healing techniques, I cant make him "all better", and I cant fix it.
Everyone is telling me to leave him but I dont want to give up on him yet. Im going to my first Al Anon meeting tomorrow morning. I dont even believe in god but I am praying anyway that he will get help. I am praying so hard that he will be ok and I can help him get through this.

Are there any stories of people who have stayed in relationships like this? Is there any hope for us? Does everyone just end up splitting up and leaving? Im so incredibly confused. I keep wanting to stick together and then I go back to thinking maybe I should leave him. I cant decide what to do.


It's now 1:19. I basically poured my heart out in 16 minutes.

outonalimb

Wow...Saberhead!

First of all, welcome to SR! This place has been a complete blessing to me. It's so nice to 'talk' with others who understand.

I'm so glad to hear that you plan on going to an Alanon meeting. If I had reached out for help in the beginning of my relationship with my exah and gone to meetings, I'm sure I could have saved myself many years of agony and pain. I really hope you will stick around here at SR and go to meetings because there is so much you can learn about alcoholism and its effect on YOU.

As someone who married an incredible man- my soul mate - with a drinking problem (this is how I would have described him at the time i married him), had a child with him, and then spent the next 15 years slowly sinking into the depths of hell because of it, I just want to yell RUN, RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!

If I could go back and talk to myself when I was at the crossroads you find yourself in now, I would tell myself that the love of my life would slowly fade away and in his place a narcissistic, paranoid, lazy, selfish, and overbearing person would appear. I'm probably wouldn't have believed it at the time because I was very uneducated about addiction and alcoholism and I was just so 'in love' and thought my love would change things. But gosh how I wish I could go back and try to talk some sense into myself!

Alcoholism is a disease. It's not something someone can just overcome. You said you overcame an addiction to prescription meds by staying in bed for 12 days. Did you work any type of recovery program when you did this or do you believe that you overcame an addiction by merely spending 12 days in bed? That may have helped you get past the physical aspect of your addiction but what about the mental aspect? I'm just wondering because the mental aspect is the hard part.

I'm asking because you might think your bf could simply 'kick the drinking habit' if he wanted to bad enough. Like it's a matter of will power alone. It isn't, you know. Alcoholism is a disease that effects not just the physical body but the mental processes of the person who suffers from it. I'm not an expert by any stretch but I've witnessed first hand how the disease has robbed my exah of his personality and his ability to reason and think logically. The disease has consumed him both physically and mentally. And because my exah has never really wanted to quit or viewed his drinking as a problem, he's never done the hard work that goes along with recovery.

I guess my point (if I have one in here at all) is that your bf is really a very sick man. And his disease will make you sick too if you let it. It has the power to effect every single aspect of your life and the insidious part is that you won't even know its happening until major damage is done. That's just how it works.

so please...please...please...educate yourself about the disease and the effect it will have on your life if you let it. You're clearly a very smart girl but your intelligence won't save you if you let your heart call the shots.

Please stick around. I think you'll find alot of help and support here. I know I have.

Best of luck to you....

Mary

sojourner

Saberhead: Welcome to SR. My suggestion for you is to read some of the threads of people in your same boat. I could suggest that you also make sure to read the posts of people who have been in your boat for over a year with their SO.

You're going to do what you want to do, no matter what advice you hear here. I think you'd be hard pressed to find anyone here who would encourage you to continue with this relationship.

But we all will continue to encourage you to go to Alanon, read books, learn about how your boyfriend's addiction affects you, and what your choices are. You are in college and your brain is fine-tuned to take in lots of info and process it quickly, so adding this kind of reading to your book list is doable. A lot more doable than if you had little children at your feet who need your attention but you are so tired because you were up all night (like last night) worrying about your alcoholic husband and how you are going to feed these kids.

Hang in there. Keep coming back. You and your future children are really worth it.

dollydo

You sound like an intellegent lady. Take some time to read around the forums here, it will give you a better understanding of the disease of alcoholism. There is no cure, it is only a matter of whether he is sober or not.

In order for him to have a chance at a normal life he will have to devote himself to a recovery program, and want to stop drinking more than anything else in life. That includes you, in recovery he must focus on him and his program.

I agree with Out, think with your head, not your heart.

We are here for you.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you were able to get some sleep. Your life is important. Your needs are important. You are worth the effort!

You will find information and support here. We understand addiction and alcoholism.

Let me congratulate you on your clean time. I understand how hard recovery can be physically/mentally/spiritually.
I also understand being in love with an addict.

I encourage you to try at least 6 Alanon meetings. I did.
I encourage you to try a few different meetings (different people). I did.

I did what they suggested. I kept coming back. I didn't get the program or format at first, but I eventually came to love the focus and sharing. It really helped.

I also got help and support here at SR. As suggested by the above members, do some reading around the site. There are permanent (sticky) posts at the top of the forum pages. They contain some of our stories and loads of wisdom.

Your last line is that you don't know what to do.
I learned this at Alanon: Do you need to decide your entire future by 3:00 p.m. today? No? Then give yourself time to make healthy decisions. After all, you didn't arrive in this overnight, it will take time to recover.

Here is one of my favorite links of a sticky post:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

MyBetterWorld

I know you love him, and it looks like you are looking for the "OK" to stay. Can I ask what part of the relationship makes you want to even consider staying? It sounds like you are pretty much entirely miserable around him.

All I can say is, if I had known what I was in for with my XAH, I would have run fast and far from him. Loved him, yes, but still left.

I do have 2 wonderful, smart, beautiful children and I wouldn't give them back for a second. But I am also raising them on my own. The drink will win every time.

M

Saberhead

Thank you for the response.
My issues with prescription medication was ceased because as I mentioned I was so incredibly sick for those 12 days. I guess I should have explained how many times I vomitted, the fevers, the blood gushing out of my nose from the tissue being torn to shreds from me snorting them so much, the fact that a girl I didnt know that well but just met (who later ended up becoming my best friend) had to come over and take care of me every day, etc was pretty much my bottom point. When I got to that point I was just so adverse to the drug. I really cant explain what happened more than that, but I didnt go to treatement and I definitely dont think a lot of people can quit doing any substance the way I did. I know loads of people can get sick from any substance and once they get better continue doing it. It was a special case for me I suppose. I wish my boyfriend could just get incredibly sick one night and then want to quit but I know he wont.

I know staying with him is going to be hard. I know it's not over and it's not going to be easy. I feel I am almost at my breaking point. I am trying to look at the big picture, ie "would it really be SO bad to be without him?"

Im still unsure of what to do but I feel a decision is being pressed in the back of my mind. I am going to my first Al Anon meeting and am curious to see what I hear there. I am thankful for this group and this forum and will do as you said and educate myself. I just wish I could hear one or two stories of couples who "made it". I feel like it's hopeless.

My misery comes from every time we make plans to hang out with people in a "social" setting. That is when the drinking is awful. It's just god awful.
When it's a weekday and theres no social events and we just ride our bicycles 20 miles to a beach, or we spent time at home together, or we both read to each other, laugh together, go on walks, make and write music together, then I am happy and of course this is 85% of the relationship. The rest of the time we are around other people, and during this time is when he drinks. So I am happy with him, but I am also watching him lay down and die. I can see part of him doesnt care at all about himself. He truly doesnt like himself at all and has admitted this. It's so funny because when I first met him all he talked to me about was how every girl hes ever dated was "crazy" and he semed so "logical" and well put together. I never would have guessed he came with ANY baggage. But I was so wrong.


I remember last Friday he frequently likes to talk on the phone with his friend from California. Every couple weeks he likes to get a couple beers and talk on the porch on the phone. He usually has 2 or 3 (which is still, to me, way too much) but this time he for some reason was on the phone for about 3 hours and drank 6-8 beers. He came downstairs totally tanked and sheepishly smiled and said "hm..I think...I may ..have drank..too much".

THIS is the position where I dont know what to do. Do I leave? Do I scold him? Do I yell/scream? Do I laugh?

The night that I wrote about that brought me here and thinking about the subject as a whole, I remember in his drunken state he said "You do enable me because that night I drank all the beers when I was on the phone you just laughed at me!! Why didnt you tell me how stupid I was?" I cant tell if this is him crying out for help.


The only reason I laughed was because if I didnt laugh I was going to cry.

m1k3

Saber, do not let him put that on you. You are not responsible for his drinking or his not drinking. Doesn't have anything to do with you.

Next, you aren't responsible for his recovery either. There is nothing you can do that will swing him one way or the other. He will get better when he is ready to get better. That decision will be all his.

What would you say if one of your good friends came over and said they had decided to move in with an alcoholic? I just recently moved out after trying for over 10 years to fix my AW. I couldn't and now I have finally decided to fix myself.

I can't predict your future with your ABF but the last 10 years for me have been awful. Read this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ldnt-know.html. Its a peek into what living with an A is like. Its your choice, but try to make the best informed choice you can.

BTW, it doesn't matter how much you love him, you can't save him. He can only save himself.

Saberhead

Thank you Pelican
May I ask if you are still with this significant other?

Saberhead

Thank you. Im actually really excited about my Al Anon meeting, simply because I will be happier knowing that Im not the only person going through this. Even this forum is doing me loads of good, Im glad there are people like all of you being so kind and open to those of us that are just realizing how destructive this disease can be.

I feel as if something is nagging at me to make a decision soon. I keep going through scenarios in my head where I should just cut him off and never talk to him again. I can believe how much damage this weekend has caused me. I already told him I would forgive him, and so I cant go back on my word now but for the future, for my own sanity and happiness, I just need to know if he is serious about recovery or not.

He knows he has a problem and he is fully aware of what is going on. He knows why he drinks but he cant stop. Im glad he is aware that he has a problem and I suppose thats the first step, but I can help but very stupidly and with naivety think that I can "scare" him into sobriety by telling him I will leave him. I dont really know how often that actually works....Probably not often since we'd have a lot more sober people in the world.

Thank you. I know there is nothing i can do except do something for myself, which is go to meetings and research on my own time.

It's just hard. Im sure everyone here understands that. Im only at the beginning of this and Im already feeling wiped. I cant imagine what others have been through and for so long.

LaPinturaBella

This is such a tough place to be. And we all know what you're going through because we have been in this place ourselves.

Your very first priority is to take care of and love yourself. Until we do that, we really don't have anything of substance to give to anyone else. The situation as it stands now is not healthy for either of you. I see that you said you will forgive him and can't go back on that. Leaving is not going back on your word. Forgiveness is done to heal our pain, it means you accept the reality of what happened. But it does not mean that you approve of the behavior that you have forgiven. It does not wipe the slate clean and mean that everything is just hunky-dorey. Just wanted to clarify that difference.

Should you decide that it is in your best interests to remove yourself from this relationship, that also doesn't mean you're giving up on him or have ceased to care. It just means that you are being selfish in THE HEALTHY way...you are taking care of your needs, your well being and ending the cycle of being emotionally depleted by and for someone else.

Hope this helps with your decision making. Have a good meeting at Al-Anon. I think in time it will be hugely helpful for you.

Saberhead

On a side note: I apologize for typing so much. Im an extraverted girl and it really helps me to type/talk it out with people. As I sit here reading these forums I keep remembering every single time something like this weekend has happened and I realized I can remember with great detail every event.

This last Christmas I remember that being the worst Christmas of my life. We went to a friends dinner party, more of an acquaintance and I remember thinking before we got there how badly I didnt want to go because I knew my bf was going to drink a lot. I had a gut feeling (and this is all the time) that these types of nights are going to be really bad.

We arrived and he started drinking immediently. I remember my friends daughter had her toys all over the room and my bf thought it would be funny to play with them and make people laugh (like playing with the little xylaphone etc) and yes, while it was funny to watch him be silly like that, he was progressively getting too drunk and starting to make an ass of himself. I recall a guy named Jeff (who for some reason doesnt like my bf, Im assuming because my bf is a jack ass when he drinks) started saying mean things about my bf. I felt this internal anger boil inside of me, like how dare he talk about him like that. By the time several hours had gone by, my boyfriend had drank almost 13 cans of beer.

I made an attempt to tell him he had drank too much and he kept saying he hadnt and "its christmas, I just lost my job and Im really stressed out, I just want to have a good time". Its ALWAYS some excuse to drink: "Im stressed" or "I just have so much going on right now i just want to have some fun" or "I rarely get to do anything fun now because Im working so hard"....its always the same ******* thing over and over again, excuse after excuse. If its not one thing its another.

I gave him my vodka tonic and said angrily, "here drink this ass hole" and I remember him looking at me and chugging it, and then I grabbed another one and gave it to him and said "yeah you wanna drink? Have some more! Go for it!! Its a party now!!!" and he chugged it. I remember everyone in the room was looking at us. I was so angry I didnt care.

When we left he kept telling me he didnt want to take a bus and that he wanted to ride his bike. But he couldnt. He was swerving all over the place. He almost got hit by a car. He couldnt even look straight. He looked so ugly that night.

I told him to get off his bike. We walked 7 miles in the freezing cold Seattle winter on Christmas night. 7 miles. That was horrible. When he got home he started crying and said he was an alcoholic. I didnt talk to him for 2 days after that.


Every month I have one night like this or similar.

Saberhead

Thank you very much.
Im in such a dillemma because I keep going back and forth with what Im going to do. I suppose everyone is right, I dont have to make a decision right now but I just feel hard pressed to.

LaPinturaBella

It isn't fun or worth it, is it? It sounds to me like you have been ignoring your gut until now hoping it's wrong. I've found my gut is almost always right. I also think you are remembering, because you are giving yourself permission to do what is right for you. Hug.

Pelican

I was married to my alcoholic for 14 years.

I tried to fix him, care for him and love him well. In the end, I became as sick as he was. I was angry, controlling and a raging alcoholic myself.

I have been sober and working on my personal recovery almost 3 years.

I have been divorced 2 years.

My AXH ( alcoholic ex husband) did join AA, got a sponsor and began his recovery when we divorced. He fell back into his addiction and lied to us about it. We knew.

He is again trying sobriety.

I continue to keep my side of the street clean, and let him work on his side of the street.

One of the wise lessons I learned from partners of alcoholics was to have a plan B. Like social gatherings. I went to a few while still married. I had a plan B. I took my own car and left when my AH started drinking as much as he was breathing.

I also made plan B's for date nights. (we tried lots of stuff to keep our marriage together). If we planned a date night, he was supposed to not be drunk at the time of the date. If he failed to uphold his part, I still took myself on a date or did something quiet for myself (usually logged onto SR). Plan B.

Saberhead

Thank you everyone so much for your comments and thoughts/advice. I just wanted to post a little update.

I went to my first Al Anon meeting. There was a girl there, new like me, she looked so sad. She had that thousand yard stare and for some reason I knew her situation was like mine. I had a feeling it was her bf or fiance. She ended up speaking last at the meeting, but I was right and it was her new fiance that had a drinking problem. She apparently didnt know he had a problem for 4 years. It was heartbreaking to see her cry.

The meeting was very amazing, I loved it and I plan on going back. I even made a friend or two. I shared my story briefly but started crying in the middle of it. I realized how much emotionally Ive put into this relationship. I also realized a lot on my walk home. My bf has been drunk 60% of our relationship. When we have sex usually he's drunk. When we go out hes drunk at night, too drunk, and is completely illogical. I realized so much just from one day of reflection.

When I got home, I was ready to break it off. I called a friend who had been dating a rx abuser and alcoholic. He was the love of her life but she told me leaving him was the est thing she ever did because for 2 years she tried to help him and he never got help. He was just a mess and still is. She told me that if I decided to stay it would be the hardest journey I could ever take and that if I wanted to go that route it was up to me, but essentially she learned to cut her losses.

Ironically while she was on the phone with me my bf called. I hung up with her to talk to him. My voice was cracky and I was shakey on the phone because I knew I had to cut him out of my life, and I thought he wouldnt take an altamatim. I told him I didnt want to come over today because I couldnt handle the drinking anymore. I was so tired and angry at him that I am starting to hate him. Im starting to dislike who he is, and how he acts. I was starting to believe that he didnt really love me and he loves booze more than me or our relationship. He immediently interjected and said that he had been thinking about quitting for a long time but he never had any reason to, and no one to give him a reason. He told me that he was adament on quitting and that he would go to AA meetings with me.

Im relieved to hear him say he wants to quit, and I told him that if he has just one beer, any time any place I was going to leave him. I have every intention on following through with that. I am noticing that I am starting to become numb emotionally from this relationship, and as my friend also mentioned, after 2 years she felt she was completely unable to feel anything because she just wanted to cut out any feelings at all she got from her boyfriends alcohol problem.

So now here I am. Im with someone who said they would go and get treated. What do I do from here....

Pelican

Why do you need AA? Are you an alcoholic?

You didn't need a babysitter to get to your alanon meeting right?

He can put his big boy pants on and get himself to a meeting tonight.

Based on my experience with active alcoholics, that is just more quacking. There will be a reason why he cant go tonight, tomorrow night he will have a virus, Thursday he will have a splinter, Friday the sky will be blue......

Pay attention to the actions, because the words are empty. Alcoholics are skilled at telling us what we want to hear! They are masters of the silver tongue.

Soooo, enough about him already!

I'm so very happy for you!

You went to an Alanon meeting today! You did something healthy and marvelous for you! Give yourself a hug. Give yourself another one from me!

p.s. one of my alanon groups gave hugs at the end of the meetings. I loved those SOBER hugs!

Ponder

Here's the cold reality of this though. An alcoholic quitting for someone else will never work. They will end up resenting the person they are quitting for. He has to want this for HIMSELF.. do it for himself, not you or anyone else. I don't say this to be a wet blanket, and I pray that he does seek help, but please realize he's going to have to want this for a better life, not just to keep a relationship with you.

Saberhead

No no sorry I meant that I would go with him for support. He of course said he was going to go, but I actually offered to go with him.

Of course I dont have a drinking problem lol xD I have a problem with drinking too much Vitamin Water, if thats a crime (if not an extreme waste of money).

I will do as you say and watch his words. I have a deep hopeless feeling that this wont work, but I will try and be optimistic. I plan on following through with what I said. If he has just one beer, Im out the door.

outonalimb

I am so happy that you went to your meeting and that you got so much out of it! Hooray for you! Keep going!! Please keep going...no matter what your bf decides to do or not do with his life. You have no idea how I am standing here...cheering you on...wishing I had been as resourceful and open-minded as you have been to reach out and look for answers. I applaud you. I really do.

The typical pattern (not saying it applies in your situation...just commenting on a common thing that happens) is the alcoholic will say just about anything when he or she sees that they are about to lose you. They will say the right things...and make all kinds of promises...and "own up" to the fact that they have a problem. And I sincerely believe they mean it when they say it.

but then life happens...

and gradually..ever so gradually...they sink back into old patterns of behavior. And if you aren't vigilant and you don't keep working on YOU and YOUR recovery, you'll probably fall into old patterns too.

Its a vicious cycle. ONe I've been round and round and round for years.

Please keep reaching out.
The red flags your seeing are there to tell you something ! Don't dismiss them!!