Is it normal to have so many questions???

Old 06-06-2011, 09:53 PM
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Is it normal to have so many questions???

Hello All:

Today marks three months that I found out about my ex's cocaine and alochol use. I am wondering if at this point is it normal to have so many questions? I have been journaling and praying and I find that I have so many questions, like why? How could you do this to yourself? How could you do this to us? How could you do this to me? Did you really feel that you had nothing to live for? How long has his family known about this? Why didn't I see the signs? How long has this been going on? When will it end? (when will you stop contacting me? How long will this hurt? How can I trust again? When and how do I forgive myself? How could I have let someone like this into my life? Why didn't I do a better job of protecting my heart? After so long why didn't you tell me? If he would have told me would that have made any difference?
In the e-mail that I sent him to tell him to stop contacting me (the police said that I had to officially inform him to stop contacting me) he totally ignored my requests as I knew he would. I asked him very nicely and politely to leave me alone. His response was as if it belonged to another e-mail.... I love you and I miss you, I wish I would have received your call etc.

How long is it going to take for him to get it? How long is it going to take for him to see that contacting me is making things worse and harder for me to heal? When is he going to put me and my feelings first? When will he accept that he has ruined us, and we are over?

I know that its impossible for anyone to know the answers to these questions I am just wondering if this array of questions are normal in this process. I thank you in advance for your words of wisdom in response to this.
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Old 06-07-2011, 05:02 AM
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Yes, the questions are part of the healing process. Going totally NC will help you to let go. Right now he is occupying too much of your brain space. Valuable space that you need to reserve for you, and, your recovery.

There are no answers to your questions, with an addict nothing they do makes any sense.

He will never put your feelingf first, accept it and move forward with your life. You deserve so much more.

Take care of you,
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Old 06-07-2011, 05:58 AM
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I think it is very normal to have questions. It wouldn't be very normal if you didn't have questions, if you ask me. You can only speculate what an answer would be, and if you were to ever get an answer for these questions, it would probably lead to more questions! Good for you for getting away, for some, like myself, walking away can be difficult. Stay true to yourself! From what I learned so far, its all you got!
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Old 06-07-2011, 06:07 AM
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I agree this is normal.

Save the email you sent him. Save but do NOT read future emails.

Save any text messages he sends, again do NOT read. This ALL will come in very handy, should you choose to file 'stalker' charges.

Nothing you can do will change this behavior.

You may want to try some AlAnon and/or some counseling. This can be of great help to ourselves to get through all the 'why' questions.

Also, please keep posting here and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 06-07-2011, 07:27 AM
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too many questions? if there was a limited amount to ask i would have been all used up in a day! questions are normal. after a while i realize that most cannot be answered. it suck but we get to move on.
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Old 06-07-2011, 08:09 AM
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Originally Posted by hurtbeyondbelie View Post
When and how do I forgive myself?

You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. His addiction is not about you.

How long is it going to take for him to get it? How long is it going to take for him to see that contacting me is making things worse and harder for me to heal? When is he going to put me and my feelings first? When will he accept that he has ruined us, and we are over?
He may never get it and that his problem impacted you.

What can you do to avoid further contact? Can you change your email address? Block him? Change your phone number? Stop reading?
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Old 06-07-2011, 08:12 AM
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Yes it is. Part of recovery for you is going to be learning to move on and be happy regardless of ever getting an answer. Another part will be not caring if there is an answer.

Take care. Most of us have been where you and understand, at some level, your pain.

The good news, however, is that he is your ex. Some gals on this board aren't so lucky.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak
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Old 06-07-2011, 10:40 AM
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Hello All:
Thanks so much for your words of wisdom and help. I am not staying at my home as a means to not see him in person, I also don't feel safe there. He has been showing up at my house uninvited (which the police say ins't illegal) to talk to me etc. Last night he apparently knocked on my door and left a note. Then he knocked on my neighbor's door (its a condo) as well. She told him to back off and that I was staying with a friend and why I wasn't living there. She informed me of the conversation that they had. I feel really bad now because he is trying to use her as a means to get to me. She has been very supportive to me throughout this ordeal and I don't want her to feel like she has to be involved in this nightmare. I am not sure what I should do.
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Old 06-07-2011, 11:55 AM
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I imagine that he will not continue to bother your neighbor, if he does, she can call the law.

She will let you know if this is a problem for her.

Keep your cool and resolve.
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Old 06-07-2011, 06:12 PM
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Thanks Dollydo!!!
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Old 06-07-2011, 07:08 PM
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Dear Hurt,

I am so sorry for your difficulties - and I really mean it. Dealing with someone in addiction is sooooooo confusing. I think that we are just going to have a million questions that will never really be answered - mainly because we don't understand addiction to a chemical from the inside out. All we really understand is how we love someone that has been hijacked by a substance...

I have lived through my husband's addiction, his sobriety, early work in recovery, and then rejection of any sort of program other than his own brand of sobriety. His version of sobriety ultimately destroyed our relationship.

There are a few things that I have discovered in the 2 short weeks that I have been apart from him....I am happier, I am more peaceful. The fastest way for me to lose my sense of well being is to interact with him. No contact is really hard. There are parts of me that get lonely and long for the crazy connection that we had. Then there are the parts that believe that maybe things can be different.

I want to address each of your questions ....

is it normal to have so many questions? Yes. How could it not be? This is a confusing thing.

How can you do this to yourself? There is a point where that becomes a moot point. The only thing you can control is whether you take that first hit or not. Once addiction sets in (whether it is the 1st of 1000th drink or hit) then it all changes. Years ago I asked my husband if he didn't worry that he was going to die....he said that his only worry was that he would live. Go figure....

How could you do this to us? Well, the only thing that really matters (no matter how much they care for you) is the drug. It hurts like hell to know that but it's just the truth. Nothing can compare to the feeling that occurs when they are high (at least according to my husband).....nothing else is as important. All judgement and reasoning ceases.

How could you do this to me? He probably didn't want to do this to you - you just happened to be a cog in the wheel that helped him to justify his use. Maybe he needed to feel that he had a "normal" girlfriend and that meant that he wasn't THAT bad. It's hard to accept and believe that people can ever become that sociopathic. Even good people get hijacked by drugs and imminate an evil force.

How long has his family known? Probably a good long while. BUT not the whole extent of it. Many families of addicts live in denial (you know, "the Nile...that river in Egypt). They have their own issues that are caught up in the addictive cycle. It is definitely not a healthy family system.

Why didn't you see the signs? Beacause you talked yourself out of them or he hid them so well that you didn't see them. I wanted to believe what I wanted to believe - and loving a drug addict wasn't in my game plan. I worked really hard to make that not true. Except it was.

How long has it been going on? No telling. You will probably never know the truth except for it's probably longer than you think.

When will he quit contacting you? When he knows that you won't respond or react.

How long will this hurt? It depends on you. Your support system. Your willingness to let go. Whether you are in counseling or working a recovery program. The more that you go "no contact" the faster you will heal and quit hurting.

How can I trust again? When you learn how to trust yourself. I promise that when this happens you will never again ask this question. What you don't trust is that if someone betrays you that you will take the steps that you need to take to protect youself. It will come in time if you do the work to make it happen.

How do you forgive yourself? Through prayer and meditation. One of the fastest routes for me was working the 12 steps with a sponsor.

How did I like someone like this into my life? You were vulnerable. You wanted things to be the way you wanted them to be. We ignore all of the warning signs because we so badly want love to happen. Plus, he probably fooled the heck out of you. I'm pretty astute and good with liers but my husband completely duped me.

After so long why didn't you tell me? Because "I" wanted to keep this deal going. I liked how I had both "you" and my drug. Why would I have told you?

Would it have made a difference? Who knows? Depends on how deep you were into it. On some level, I knew from the the very beginning that something was amiss. I continually talked myself out of it. You probably did too...but it might take a while to admit it.

How long is it going to take for him to get it? Well.....until other people quit giving him a soft spot to land. Pure and simple.

How long is it going to take for him to see that this makes it harder for me? Well....until you make it stop by ignoring his calls and contacts.

When is he going to put you and your feelings 1st? Probably never. The real question is - when are you going to put you and your feelings 1st?

When is he going to accept that he has ruined your relatiionship? When you truly end it and walk away. And stay away. When are you going to accept that he has ruined "you" and that it is over?

I realize that you probably never expected anyone to really try and answer your questions. The truth is....these are all questions that I have about my own situation. I think that you are asking the questions of the ages - the questions that each of us has.....I know that if I search deeply within myself that the answers are all there...which is why I answered your questions. Not for you - but because we all ask them. And really, we all already know the answers.....
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Old 06-07-2011, 07:46 PM
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amen Cynical One. That is where I am finally beginning to find all of my own answers. Not in why someone else is doing something....but why am I? Thank you as always for your excellent insight!
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Old 06-08-2011, 03:35 AM
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Yes. It's normal to ask questions for you to know your improvement and be assured with what will happen to you during and after treatment. You have the right to ask questions or queries for you to have knowledge and fill out your curiosity.
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Old 06-08-2011, 08:13 PM
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Thanks to all of you for your help.

Lightseeker- Thanks for answering all of my questions. I appreciate you taking the time to do that and I appreciate your answers. You are right about many things, I was vunerable when I met him. I met him three months after my dad passed away. I also remember him saying things that I thought didn't make sense but I ignored them. He also is very good at hiding it, and I guess that is just part of it, or it comes from practice. I was on the public train today and I just started crying. It was a good cry one I felt better after so that was good. I look forward to a day when this is all in the past. I am in the process of trying to rent out my condo, so he won't know where I live. That is his main way of contacting me, there or mailing me. I don't respond to his e-mails so that will eliminate any contact.
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Old 06-08-2011, 08:23 PM
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you are a brave and courageous lady. It is difficult to let go. I'm glad that you had a good cry. Two weeks ago I cried for a solid 24 hours. Finally, the cable guy came in and told me "you'd quit crying if you listened to different music....that's your problem". Oh....if it weren't only that easy. I did quit crying after that though!

I think in hindsight we always can see where we were vulnerable and overlooked numerous signs. It's hard when one of your assets is to see the good in others....

I have learned so much and know that you have too. Answering your questions really helped me a lot. It is so much easier to extend compassion and understanding to you and see it all with some clarity....than it is to do the same for myself. I know that by answering your questions I was able to step outside of myself and see my own stuff from a place of greater clarity.

Hopefully, you will never have to deal with another alcoholic or drug addict again in your life. I have a knack for finding the addict/alcoholic in the hay stack though. It's helped to work an Alanon program. What I have learned from that is that I have a tendency to "hide" information from myself. Check into some of the information in the sticky's at the top of the forum.....it's just good stuff to be aware of.

Keep me posted on how you are doing. Sending you thoughts and prayers! Donna
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