somberheart

Today is the first day in a long time that I made it through the entire day without shedding a tear. I'm sure it's going to catch up to me later, but for now, it feels good.


Over the weekend I learned a lot about my husband. Probably more than I would have EVER expected. He got kicked out of his mothers house, for apparently trying to steal money from her. He was staying at a friends house and was scheduled to have the kids for a few hours Saturday night to visit with his visiting family, and so I could get a few R & R hours to myself. This ended within an hour of him having the children when his mother called me, furious, "I just caught him shooting up in the bathroom" My first thought was ANGER, but I didn't scream like I wanted to. All I kept thinking was FINALLY. I don't know why it was a sigh of relief, but it WAS. I called him and he was obviously upset and kept on the whole deny deny deny thing. So I said, "you're staying clean?" "yes" he said. So I picked him up and drove to the walk in clinic and had him drug tested for opiates. What do you know? It was positive. After we got into the car, it was silent. . This whole time we've been separated he was preaching how CLEAN he's been, and he's working so hard and no one else is changing their behaviors towards him ...you get the point.

So to make an VERY long story short, he's been using again....who I am kidding....again..?? He's STILL using. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. I can see it this time, at least for me. He left this evening on an airplane to another Rehab facility. There are rehabs in town, but basically I laid it out to him that he is DYING, and he would never live to see his only son play little league or live to walk his daughters down the aisle when they get married if he didnt get away from here, and get clean and NEVER COME BACK. So Saturday night and Sunday , we spent (together) and he laid out what he's been doing for the past 6 months as far as drug use goes. I do admit that it was painful to hear, but it was like that dimmer switch that eveyone talks about. I felt a little dimmer towards him, feeling myself not needing to CONTROL him, but to control my own life. For the first time since I found out about his addiction, I watched him hunt down, scam money and use his DOC. I am not sure if this was a good idea (or if I was enabling ) but I could feel myself cutting the chords that have attached me to him for so long.

Now he is gone, in Rehab again. I think he WANTS it this time. But I thought that before. I'm really beginning to understand Step 1 after this weekend. Esp. after watching him run around like a chicken without a head looking for his DOC and watching how it has Controlled his life, also seeing how it was 95 degrees today and he is wearing shirts w/large enough sleeves to cover the track marks on his arms, and how his drug even controlls what he wears! I am vowing to make a promise to myself and my kids that this time that he's gone..Im going to do it, Im going to better myself. I've got to, and that is why today I didn't even shed a tear!

Latte

Thank you so much for posting. I hope things continue on a more positive path now that he is getting into treatment. I hope that you can find some peace also.

milo88

Hi Somberheart!
I'm so glad he was honest to you. I actually DO think it was a good idea, and I also think it shows he still has some respect and love for you that he actually WAS honest, albeit with a big push (his mother)
Facing the reality is the hardest thing. I know I was in denial for a very long time, didn't want to see or believe what others were telling me. Now you know where you both stand - I'm sure that's where the relief came from. It's horrible hovering on the edge knowing but not knowing.
I too hope you can find peace. You are already "bettered" by knowing the truth. Glad you made it through a horrible weekend xxx

jezzaB

Its good to read your post. I have learned from it. Now, I understand.