cab

I am struggling with setting boundaries with my AD. I need to try and set some very firm ones so I am not dragged down with her. The main problem I am having is what about my 6-year old precious grandson. No contact is out of the question because of him. That is what I would do if he wasn't in the picture.
She has perfected all the traits, manipulating, lying, making me feel sorry for her, etc. I have tried to detach and not let her do this, but it is not working so well. My thoughts are :
1. absolutely no conversations if I believe she is drinking.
2. No personal contact if I believe she is drinking.
3. No acknowledgment of problems she believes she is having (because of drinking)
4. Not doing anything for her that she could do if she wasn't drinking.
5. After a "session", not talking to her at all or just about the grandson.

The problem I have is, I know I cannot do anything if I cause something to happen that we cannot see or have him stay with us. He stays a weekend with us about twice a month. I firmly believe us being a part of his life and being around him, helps him cope with home life and lets him know there is somebody else he can depend on. I don't know how to do this without taking the chance of her putting him in the middle of this terrible situation.
This has been going on for at least 4 years and it it really putting a strain our relationship (her parents).

I really don't have much of a problem with emotionally detaching form her, it hurts a little but I know I cannot fix her. He adores her and is very close to her so separating the two is what I am struggling with.

Secondly, do I tell her what I am doing and why (when she is sober of course) or just do it.

The main concern I cannot get by is that the father really enables her ( by ignoring the problem and setting no boundaries) and travels as much as two nights a week. I fear that anything I may do, gives her another reason to drink and put my grandson in danger. My mind tells me I cannot control what happens and it is not my fault, my heart cannot live with any possibility that I may be a small part of what happens though action or inaction.

I pray every night to help her, protect him, help me cope and protect all the innocent children of the world that don't deserve what adults do to them.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Latte

I'm glad you are here. I hope you get the support you need here.

Pelican

I see that you are still caught up in the same cycle of your daughters alcoholism.

Nothing has changed.

What if you are preventing her from reaching her bottom?
What if her husband believes you are enabling her by always being there?

Buffalo66

Well, your plan sounds solid, and it would be a healthy plan, but the grandson is a big issue, and you care for him and you are a positive force in his life.

that said,

My MIL and I did all of our planning around my sons visits without my A involved. She was unwilling at times to deal with him on any parenting or anything at times.

Is the father of your grandson able and willing to work with you on visitation?
How open is the conversation about her drinking?
Does she admit she has a problem at all?

You have to remember, too, that she will drink whether son is around her or not, so trying to make a boundary about NOT taking the grandson so she cannot go drinking is kind of moot. She will drink no matter what, so, I would actually try to change your view on this a bit, in the respect that she most likely welcomes the idea of you taking him.
If you stopped taking him, she would have less alone time, and all mothers want some alone time.

So, you do have a chip to work with there. She needs the arrangement, also.

If the converstaion about her drinking is a problem, I would consider going to visit during a sober time, without the kids, and stating clearly that you feel uncomfortable about her drinking.
The way you state this can be an owned statement.
You take away the possibility for argument if you make it about YOU and how YOU feel, you could even go so far as to say, "You do as you wish, but I feel shaken when I communicate with you when you are drunk or drinking..."
This takes her ability to say you are blaming her out of the mix. You can keep coming back to, "No. This is how I feel, its my problem, but I still love you and certainly still want to see grandson often."

Given that, maybe speaking openly about how you really want to continue seeing and being a part of childs life, and to give daughter time for herself, but that you would like to limit contact while she is using or drunk, because it upsets you.

Possibly ask if you can set a regular schedule that is in place so that contact can be limited. It will be scheduled, so there will be a pick up and a drop off. SIL may be able to do the scheduling and communicating/dropping off.

Just some ideas. I do not know how entrenched the denial is, or if the disease is "out of the closet" so to speak.

cab

Yes, she knows she has a drinking problem. She acknowledges it but will do nothing about it. She is ashamed and mad at the same time. I really try not to berate her about it, but let her know she is not fooling anybody. I absolutely do not argue with her when she is drinking because I know nothing I say will sink in. She really tries to make us believe that she is the victim. There is really no problems yet with us seeing or taking him for a weekend. It is really up to him. We do not badger or plead to see him. It is really a pickup and drop off now.
She knows we hate her drinking and she lies all the time about it. What I am trying to do is to make sure she knows that I am going to set firm boundaries about her drinking. She is close to being kicked out of the house (threatened), but the father cannot handle the kids (4 boys) and do his job (salesman), so I don't believe anything will happen there. He has said the same thing for years.
I am really looking for advice on presenting the boundaries to her about our relationship. Thank you for your help.