angry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: jonesboro
Posts: 3
angry
Almost 7 yrs of marriage and my husband checks himself into a long term rehab. Sounds great doesn't it. Well not really..now that I have had a couple of weeks to myself...I am pissed off. I am angry with him angry with myself for allowing myself to live this way. He gets to have visitors on Tuesday..and I don't want to go. I don't want to cater to him anymore. If he wants to get sober great~but I am just pissed off. I don't care if he leaves rehab because I didnt come to visit...I am sick and tired of him controlling me and mentally exhausting me to the point I can't function. I just don't give a **** if he drinks or not anymore. I am not going to allow him to live rent free in my mind.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I second the idea of getting to some Al-Anon meetings. Just so you know, that isn't something you would be doing for him, but for yourself. Al-Anon teaches us to keep the focus on ourselves and not on what the alcoholic is doing (or not doing) for his or her recovery. Living with alcoholism makes us all a bit nutso. There is definite recovery for us, too. It's easy to say you don't care anymore about what he does, but being angry IS allowing him space in your head. If you're feeling angry, you aren't happily and peacefully going about your day.
Use this opportunity for yourself--it will pay off for you regardless of what he does.
Use this opportunity for yourself--it will pay off for you regardless of what he does.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I am a big fan of rehab.
It does provide tools to the alcoholic, so that even if they don't find sobriety after the visit, they'll know some tools and options for when they do decide that's what they want.
More importantly, though, in my mind, is that it gives those around the alcoholic some space to breathe and recover. I absolutely second the Al-Anon suggestions. I also say that if you don't feel up to visiting him on Tuesday, then don't - you have no obligation to do so.
I broke up with my XABF (ex-alcoholic boyfriend) while he was in rehab. He kept calling me repeatedly over the phone (about 10 times a day), telling me to iron his shirts, and take all his calls, etc, etc, manipulating the nurses into letting him use their desk phone to call me when he ran out of quarters. It was living hell, and that's when I realized that even if he never drank again (he was officially detoxed and still pulling these stunts), there was a lot of things he needed to do, as he had this desire to completely control my life as well.
He was abusive! I knew he was verbally abusive when he was drunk, but when he was away in rehab I started to sort out all the times he was abusive when sober, as well... I just hadn't noticed before because the drunken abusiveness was violent and raging while the sober abusiveness was much more manipulative and sneaky. But it was abuse, drunk or sober, and I never would have learned that if I didn't get the space I needed while he was in rehab.
The final straw was when I finally did visit him in rehab (he'd been there a week and a half), after I told him about how I didn't love him anymore, and we had to start our relationship over from the beginning to rebuild both the love and the trust if he wanted any chance at a future together... He nodded his head, said he was hurt but he understood, then knelt on the floor and started to propose.
In rehab!
And when I told him to stop, not to ask, he looked at me with understanding and announced, "I understand, you want it to be special... Should I get you a ring? Would you like that?"
In rehab, I finally learned to start listening to myself, because he wasn't constantly there overriding my thoughts with his ranting and forceful opinions. And I finally learned that I had been telling myself to run away, there was no "relationship" here, it was all about XABF, and what I "had" to do for him.
Start working on your own recover. Rediscover yourself. That way, when he gets out of rehab, you'll be able to make better decisions about what you need to do for yourself.
It does provide tools to the alcoholic, so that even if they don't find sobriety after the visit, they'll know some tools and options for when they do decide that's what they want.
More importantly, though, in my mind, is that it gives those around the alcoholic some space to breathe and recover. I absolutely second the Al-Anon suggestions. I also say that if you don't feel up to visiting him on Tuesday, then don't - you have no obligation to do so.
I broke up with my XABF (ex-alcoholic boyfriend) while he was in rehab. He kept calling me repeatedly over the phone (about 10 times a day), telling me to iron his shirts, and take all his calls, etc, etc, manipulating the nurses into letting him use their desk phone to call me when he ran out of quarters. It was living hell, and that's when I realized that even if he never drank again (he was officially detoxed and still pulling these stunts), there was a lot of things he needed to do, as he had this desire to completely control my life as well.
He was abusive! I knew he was verbally abusive when he was drunk, but when he was away in rehab I started to sort out all the times he was abusive when sober, as well... I just hadn't noticed before because the drunken abusiveness was violent and raging while the sober abusiveness was much more manipulative and sneaky. But it was abuse, drunk or sober, and I never would have learned that if I didn't get the space I needed while he was in rehab.
The final straw was when I finally did visit him in rehab (he'd been there a week and a half), after I told him about how I didn't love him anymore, and we had to start our relationship over from the beginning to rebuild both the love and the trust if he wanted any chance at a future together... He nodded his head, said he was hurt but he understood, then knelt on the floor and started to propose.
In rehab!
And when I told him to stop, not to ask, he looked at me with understanding and announced, "I understand, you want it to be special... Should I get you a ring? Would you like that?"
In rehab, I finally learned to start listening to myself, because he wasn't constantly there overriding my thoughts with his ranting and forceful opinions. And I finally learned that I had been telling myself to run away, there was no "relationship" here, it was all about XABF, and what I "had" to do for him.
Start working on your own recover. Rediscover yourself. That way, when he gets out of rehab, you'll be able to make better decisions about what you need to do for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I agree with Starcat 100%
You really sound like you need to focus on yourself, now.
A good counselor? Alanon would do wonders, but, even if you cannot do that---
writing your thoughts.
While my RAH was in rehab, I wrote and wrote and wrote.
I wrote him angry letters, I wrote letters that stated my boundaries upon his coming out, then I rewrote those and edited them, then I rewrote the angries.
It was so good for me to actually sort of number out the things that I felt violated by, and then to see that they fell into categories.
I felt so detached while he was in there, because it was actually the first time in years that I was free of the anticipatory stress of wondering what would happen that night, etc.
I was able to think pretty clearly, and I wrote a final, edited long letter.
In the letter I listed things that were intolerable to me in a relationship, in a household.
I was sympathetic, open to miraculous healing, and also, tentative and guarded.
I was able to get to this place by WRITING it all out.
It was my vacation from his chaos, and I finally had a minute to think straight.
I had those feelings of, "I dont even care if he drinks anymore..."
And I ended up writing, "If you come out and we dont fit anymore, then so be it. "
There had been so much hurt. I was so angry.
He had been told in rehab that many significant others do not hang in there through recovery, because the past hurt and resentment is too much to bear and overcome.
He read the letter, and the boundaries were clear.
He busted through some key boundaries within a month of coming out.
I eventually had him move out and live somewhere else.
I had to recognize that I need recovery from my anger, from my desperate control tactics, from betrayals...
Going to rehab is great, and I hope he (your SO) can sustain sobriety, but more than that, I hape he can maintain a working program.
Mine has not, he is "do it yourself", LOL.... he lives alone. Enough said.
Whether he is in your life, and the recovery from alcohol takes hold or not, YOU STILL NEED to let go of and remedy YOUR anger, and your bitterness.
You deserve that NO MATTER What happens with him, or for him, or against hi,m.
so, maybe writing will help you, but , just know you are not alone in this bitterness and anger, and ultimately, this indifferent feeling toward him .
Take care of yourself. Whether he takes care of himslef or not.
You really sound like you need to focus on yourself, now.
A good counselor? Alanon would do wonders, but, even if you cannot do that---
writing your thoughts.
While my RAH was in rehab, I wrote and wrote and wrote.
I wrote him angry letters, I wrote letters that stated my boundaries upon his coming out, then I rewrote those and edited them, then I rewrote the angries.
It was so good for me to actually sort of number out the things that I felt violated by, and then to see that they fell into categories.
I felt so detached while he was in there, because it was actually the first time in years that I was free of the anticipatory stress of wondering what would happen that night, etc.
I was able to think pretty clearly, and I wrote a final, edited long letter.
In the letter I listed things that were intolerable to me in a relationship, in a household.
I was sympathetic, open to miraculous healing, and also, tentative and guarded.
I was able to get to this place by WRITING it all out.
It was my vacation from his chaos, and I finally had a minute to think straight.
I had those feelings of, "I dont even care if he drinks anymore..."
And I ended up writing, "If you come out and we dont fit anymore, then so be it. "
There had been so much hurt. I was so angry.
He had been told in rehab that many significant others do not hang in there through recovery, because the past hurt and resentment is too much to bear and overcome.
He read the letter, and the boundaries were clear.
He busted through some key boundaries within a month of coming out.
I eventually had him move out and live somewhere else.
I had to recognize that I need recovery from my anger, from my desperate control tactics, from betrayals...
Going to rehab is great, and I hope he (your SO) can sustain sobriety, but more than that, I hape he can maintain a working program.
Mine has not, he is "do it yourself", LOL.... he lives alone. Enough said.
Whether he is in your life, and the recovery from alcohol takes hold or not, YOU STILL NEED to let go of and remedy YOUR anger, and your bitterness.
You deserve that NO MATTER What happens with him, or for him, or against hi,m.
so, maybe writing will help you, but , just know you are not alone in this bitterness and anger, and ultimately, this indifferent feeling toward him .
Take care of yourself. Whether he takes care of himslef or not.
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