zanido1991

About four months ago I met an amazing person through a mutual friend. He plays the guitar and is a really talented musician. We met at a bar he was playing at and then he asked me to a party. We had an amazing time and he was drunk, but I didn't really think anything about it because we were all drinking that night. We began seeing eachother regularly. After about a month went by, he bagan to tell me horrible things about his life and his addiction to alcohol. I have had friends and family members who are alcoholics, but not doing the extent of bodily damage that he is doing to himself. I began to notice things like he would drink beer as soon as he woke up and would pour his beers into a soda cup and drink while we were in the car. He would also have entire conversations with me and make dates with me and not remember them at all. It made me really sad. I kept seeing him despte warnings from friends and family. They were in two camps -- He's a loser and you can do better and you are becoming an enabler so you need to stop seeing him. I found this site because I am at my wits end. He has told me several times that he has no one to talk to and get his feelings out. I am afraid if I detach from him it would put him over the edge. He already feels like all of his family and friends are against him because they are refusing to put up with his constant drinking. They all knew him before he became an alcoholic and I never did. I know he is a good and special person and I have a hard time not putting myself in his shoes. My friends and family are sick of me talking about him and worrying about him but I can't stop. Everytime I am with him I learn new things and gain more understanding about what is going on with him and why. I have been addicted to other things, never to alcohol, and I know without my friends constant support I would never have made it through. I am so lost. He never argues with me, even when I confront him about his alcohol. He seems to pull away from me at times and says that he is "scared".

kittykitty

Welcome Zani!

Thank you for sharing your situation, i'm glad you are here. There are many others who have been exactly where you are at this very minute. The pressure to stay with someone who is sick is immense, especially when everyone else has 'given up' on them. I was there once, and I really did feel like I was the only one who could help him, the only one who understood. That the burden of his recovery, and being the happy healthy sober and successful man I knew he could be rested solely on my shoulders, and I couldn't let him down. It's a horrible feeling, and i'll be honest with you, life is too short to feel that responsible for another human being.

I didn't see anything in your post about him going to AA meetings, being in recovery, or trying to get sober. Is he doing anything to help himself here? Does he even want to be helped? Or does he just want someone to understand him, tolerate the behavior, and love him anyway? There's a big difference there.

There are some stickies at the top of the forum, check those out, there are some great stories up there. I also highly recommend Al anon, it's a fellowship for those of us who have been affected by someone's drinking. Tremendous help there if you want it.

Keep coming back, you will find more love and support here than you can imagine right now.

Also: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/redflaglist.shtml

MeredithD1

hi Zanido!

I couldn't have said it better than Kittykitty.

I've learned that if someone expects me to be their lifeline, or if I turn to someone like they are my lifeline, things go off-balance very quickly. When I turn to my HP for balance, I am never disappointed.

zanido1991

No he is 28 and says things like, I will be dead before I am 30. I know that his father is an alcoholic, and his mother left his father because of it when he was 14. I also know that he feels extremely responsible for his parents, and younger sister. He was on the road for 3 years with the band and he told me one of the reasons that he started drinking so heavily was he felt extremely guilty for being away from his family. He stays half the time at his mom's and half at his dad's saying it makes more financial sense. I do not believe that he has been able to progress normally because he racked with fear and guilt. He has basically told me everything, I know he feels exposed because his friends tell me that he is normally a clam. I don't believe that he has any intention of getting help. I don't want to lose him, especially to death.

MeredithD1

what does he know about you?

so far, it sounds like it's all about him.

is he making your life better by being in it?

or has it become your job to rescue him, and at what cost? (you said, "I kept seeing him despte warnings from friends and family. They were in two camps -- He's a loser and you can do better and you are becoming an enabler so you need to stop seeing him.")

one thing I've learned for sure is that when friends and family are all giving me the same warnings, it's in my best interest to take heed.

forgotten1

zanido... i met my ex when he was 29... a former drummer of a band... a dj of an LA radio station... intellectual... the tortured soul of a musician that was just waiting for someone to "save" them... that artistic smart guy with "so much potential if only he loved himself enough to see"... he also had a traumatic event happen (his father died when he was 12 years old and his emotionally abusive mom was left to raise him, which she could barely do as she suffered from depression issues herself)

when we fell in love--we both believed the saving was possible. i distinctly remember telling him "don't think of me as a savior because im afraid you'll resent me coz we both know you can only save yourself" he agreed VERBALLY... but i think mentally he and i kept playing our roles (of me being the savior and he being the tortured soul)

and now... he's 33... actually WORSE than when i first met him because alcoholism IS progressive. what kind of music does your man listen to? if you listen to the lyrics of his music, i bet it's all written by someone romanticizing someone else saving them... romanticizing their pain... romanticizing EVERYTHING... one of the symptoms of addictions is also the little god complex they develop... o god, musicians! they're so cliche and yet we fall for them over and over again.

the thing i realized is... not all musicians are tortured souls! there are actually people out there that write music that celebrate life and love (you can write a lovesong that is full of hurt and raw emotion without it being about how you want that person to save you)... JUST LIKE there are musicians out there that actually spend their time writing music instead of just playing so that they can go have the excuse of getting wasted every night (that's the difference for the ones that make it big in music).

the he pulling away coz he's scared game went on for me too--i'd get reeled back in time and time again (one time coz he wrote a song to me about no longer being scared)... but you know what happens? they go back to being scared because that is the thought pattern they have learned to go with in life when faced with an obstacle (and with alcohol those obstacles start showing up in the smallest of hills)... and NO AMOUNT of you explaining it... padding the world to be safer... "believing in their potential"... etc etc will EVER be enough.

it is their own personal work. im sorry you're going through this--and your decision will be yours to make--but i remember the problems starting that early on too--and i ended up spending YEARS believing it would "go back" to how it was. problems that early on? well--ive learned for future relationships that that is DEFINITELY A RED FLAG.

who knows you two may end up together, but honestly--it's not going to happen with you standing by being his cheerleader, which really means a life of walking on eggshells and waving your arms in the air to be appreciated. healthy change can only happen IF he ever chooses to put the independent hard work into it.

forgotten1

in addition--as well as realizing those things about musicians (the ones that live healthy successful lives with music)... i also realized that not everyone that experiences a traumatic event early on in childhood turn out to be alcoholics and tortured soul musicians.

mine hung on to his past as justification for the way his life was... you'll get tired of it. they will NEVER live in the moment... it'll either be sadness about what happened in the past... to fear and anxiety about the future.. there will never be a continued contentment of their present life--which is going to make any relationship difficult and basically impossible.

LexieCat

forgotten1 hit the nail on the head--what we do is NEVER enough. There is no saving anyone.

Walk into any AA meeting, and you will hear recovered people say that it was when they were completely alone--without any mortal help--that they were able to surrender and take the first Step toward recovery.

Meantime, it does sound as if you have lost yourself in this relationship. Get yourself to Al-Anon. You need to learn the truth about this disease. You already know you didn't CAUSE it, but you need to learn that we also can't CONTROL it and we can't CURE it. It will, indeed, get worse, with or without our "help", unless and until the alcoholic wants to stop and is willing to do whatever it takes to do that. Sounds like your guy has a ways to go before he is there.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You have found a wonderful place of information and support. We understand loving someone with addiction to alcohol.

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. Some of our stories are posted in the permanent (sticky) posts at the top of this forum.

Here is one of my favorite stickies, it has helped me in dealing with my A (alcoholic)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Babyblue

Sadly, all your worry and anxiety about his situation probably won't change it one bit. He has to want to seek recovery. His family and friends are not 'against' him. They don't want to watch the slow suicide. Be a friend but you have feelings for him and it will be much harder to pull away if you get any deeper.

I don't like labeling anyone a loser but sticking with him to prove to your friends that he isn't one is the wrong reason to be in a relationship. His being talented has nothing to do with his ability to overcome alcoholism. He isn't more deserving of getting help than any other alcoholic because he has a guitar.

I dated a musician who drank heavily. I and countless other women all at the same time so between all of us he had food bought, bills paid, oh and most importantly lots and lots of beer. He was unemployed (shocker); one day I walked into his place and he had a giant t.v. from one of his lady friends.

My point is, I doubt he has been completely "alone". Think about what he has given back to you. Just think long and hard about the investment in someone who cannot give back, even if he recovers there are no guarantees he will stay in your life.

Not trying to sound harsh but I know what it is like to get stuck in some fantasy. He isn't some talented guy who happens to be an alcoholic, he is an alcoholic who happens to have talent.

kittykitty

The fact is, you have known this man for 4 months. 4 months! It takes years to really get to know someone intimately, to share your innermost thoughts and secrets, to truly trust and love the other person. It takes years... in a healthy relationship.

I've been there, meeting someone by chance, and feeling this instant connection, this instant 'we were meant to find each other'. He was a tortured soul, all sorts of things had happened in his past that explained why he drank too much, did drugs, and couldn't be a happy healthy person. Family this, job that, best friend this, exgirlfriend that.
Always had an excuse, a reason why it was someone else's fault. Never took the responsibility to get help, and get himself better. And i exhausted myself trying to make his life better for him, all the while ruining my own.

I think the important question here, is why are you in a relationship with such an unhappy, unhealthy, unstable person?

He says he KNOWS he is slowly killing himself, (this by the way is what we call emotional manipulation~he says this for sympathy, and to make you feel a sense of responsibility for him so you won't leave)

He says he has no one to talk to and get his feelings out (another manipulation tactic, to make you feel like you are the only one who understands him, you are so much more special than everyone else, because you get him, you're the first person he can trust. Reeling you in like a fish) There's plenty of people in AA that would 'get him'. Or a therapist... a therapist would "get him".

His family has refused to put up with his constant drinking (but he lives with his mom and dad alternatively? I'd say that letting him live under their roof is tolerating his behavior. As far as financial sense, if he's not paying rent somewhere, that's more money for booze and drugs. That's what "financial sense" means to an A.)

Again, you've only known this guy for a very brief amount of time. The fact that he is using you as a therapist is definitely a cause for concern. I ask you to consider, just consider, the idea that the things this man is telling you might not all be true.

I can tell by your posts that you are not enjoying this relationship. He doesn't want help, and it's just going to keep getting worse. You need to decide what's more important: your happiness, or this guys problems.

All the best, and good luck to you

zanido1991

Thank you for all of your advice and encouragement. I would say in all honesty after he told me about the seizures and thingsd he had after coming off the road for three years, (that scared me) I really investigated into his life. I have talked to all of his best friends, some of his family, people he is in a band with now and he is telling me the truth about the facts of his life. His emotions, only he and God knows that. I am trying to detach from him a bit and see what happens. We have the mutual friend who introduced us. She is a recovered A who hasn't had a drink in 17 years. She wanted to try an intervention, I hope she does.