mama36

...but about 2 weeks ago I decided that I was all better and I could be a moderate drinker. I have some drinks several times in that period but found that already I feel taken in by it and those shakes are back after a night of drinking. I never understood the shakes but have now found that it is physiology, that it is a sure sign of alcoholism. My biggest fear or sadness right now is not if I can stop because I have, it is resetting to day 1...I don't want to do that. I have decided to continue on with my sobriety and call this a slip, not a fail. I felt like I had to try it again to see if it was really an issue...but I knew the answer and I will not forget that answer the next time the urge strikes me.

My husband is a drinker, and he should be able to do that, but seeing it several times per week has proven to be very difficult.

So, does anyone have any words for me? I could use some support and some friendship here right now.

Why did I do it...

D.

Pigtails

I'm new and not very helpful but I just wanted to say i read your post and I'm wishing you the best. I too want to moderate my drinking but I fail. I don't have shakes but I know it does crappy things to my mind and body and I need to just stay away from it completely. I like your positive attitude and how you are deciding to call it a slip instead of a fail. I think forgiving ourselves for the past and focusing on the future or rather on the here and now is very important and I am trying hard to do it myself. I think as long as you get back up you'll be okay. It's good that you came here to post. I just found this place a couple days ago and already it is so helpful. Good luck, stay strong.

mama36

We all have to find our way and we have to do that however it works for us. I read a post about realizing the problem is more important than giving it a name. I have always said I am an alcoholic...unless I let my stinking mind tell me that I could do it like normies...I am not a normal drinker and even in just a few drinking sessions I felt that slip, the slip from I'm only going to have 3 to having 3 and a shot or having that much and then sharing one last one with hubby before bed. It's just not worth it for me. Over time had I not caught myself now, I most definitely would have ended up angry and pissed all the time starting fights with my husband and hating my life and wondering why. I am being very honest when I tell you that even though I slipped, up until then my life had improved immensely...unbelievably. I love my life sober...I just fell off the radio flyer for a few days but back at it...life is too good and too short to do that to myself.

Pigtail, watch closely and see how it affects you. I knew February 2010 that I had to quit when I blacked out, passed out and fell flat on my face and broke my nose...oh and when I passed out in the back yard and didn't know how I got there or how long I was there because I was that drunk all alone.

D.

Pigtails

Thank you for giving me advice in your own thread, ha ha. I will take all that I can get. I am just dealing with this for the first time in 12 years of drinking... earlier today I was thinking, I've had too much to drink for about 8 years, so it's time to have nothing to drink... and then I thought about issues I had had revolving around alcohol in college (I had originally been counting from the start of grad school when I became a binge party drinker/ "fun" party girl) and I realized it had been longer than 8 years. I'm so glad to hear your life had changed for the better, I hope the same happens to me. Right now just realizing I have to face this issue makes me feel so depressed and emotional. I just keep crying today no matter what I do. I think my identity has become tied to alcohol and the party scene. But I was thinking, screw it, those people will be disappointed that the fun party girl won't come out to play, but how much do they really care about me? And how much have I been caring about myself while I've been hurting myself like this?! If I love myself which I want to, I have to fix this and if my friends are true friends they will support me. I have way too many stories about stupid things I've done when drunk, and I just added another one last night--after deciding to limit my drinking, yeah right--and so I guess it was last night that showed me I need to just quit.

I think the post talking about not naming it was in my thread actually. It helepd me too because I don't really care what it's called, I just have to realize it's a problem and learn how to fix it. I don't know if I'm an alcoholic or if I am just miserably unhappy and I try to deal with my problems by drinking. To me alcohol is just one of my problems. It sure doesn't help and I need to cut it out but I also have other things to change and sometimes I wonder if they can be changed. Depression runs in my family, as does alcoholism, so perhaps i have both. But I refuse to believe I am powerless over them. I want to be happy and that is what I'm going to try to do. So it's great to hear that it worked for you, thanks for sharing. Just get back to where you were and everything will be fine!

mama36

I have a friend that I met on this site and she taught me also that labels don't matter, what we do about how we are dealing with things is the only thing that matter. alcoholism and anxiety and ocd run in my family too.

I have done so many embarrassing things drunk and I always black out and haven't a clue how the end of my night went. Before I quit in September I was having to ask my husband every morning if we had a fight...because that was my MO...get drunk and tell him how much I hate him and his kids and his mom and how before he came along I didn't drink for 5 years and it was all his fault. Apparently I had many issues to deal with and have done so for 9 months now and I'm a better and happier woman for it and I have great kids, including his, and I have a great marriage and a good job with a new opportunity in front of me in the next couple weeks...had I not realize this morning that I was starting it all over again all of that would have gone out the window. I took a backwards step but I refuse to let that mean that it is over...I have made giant leaps forward so my slip back is small in comparrisson but huge if let go.

D.

Pigtails

Wow I can so relate. I used to do the exact same thing with my ex fiance. Sometimes it was that repressed issues came out, and other times it was like I made stuff up or blamed him for stuff, just because the alcohol made me feel angry and depressed. (And when he drank whiskey he would get mean, so it was a bad combination... me crying about every little thing and him being mean for no reason.) I was just thinking today how big of a role alcohol played in our relationship issues. I didn't know how to cope or handle things so I turned to alcohol. I don't think we were right for each other and it's good we didn't marry but I so regret the bad times caused by alcohol. I was thinking of apologizing to him. I know that if I had known and accepted myself better, if I was true to mysefl and not afraid to act on my feelings and instincts (which are other issues I have in addition to drinking... they each compound the other!), I would not have been with him for more than a year or so. Instead I tried to force it and was miserable and let alcohol cause me to hurt him. It's the same with my career... so many patterns all through my life. I'm glad to hear your relationship and career have improved. I keep thinking of what my life would have been like without alcohol and with better coping mechanisms but instead I'm going to try to focus on what it can be like now that I am trying to change those things. I didn't even realize it so how could i have done it differently. Your posts inspire me to forgive myself and to try to keep focused on a better future. Thanks.

mama36

You have to forgive yourself to move on and you have to move on to forgive yourself...they go together. You don't deserve to pay a price for the rest of your life for things that have happened. You are trying to sort things out and that is what truly matters now. I am proud of you just for being here and talking things out. I too have those repressed issues that come out when I get into the booze...it's only a matter of time when I try to moderate that the true "drunk" in my comes out. Without the booze I am a loving and caring person with so much to offer...even my son likes me better since I started this road to recovery...and he is only 9.

The way that I look at it is that from day one, and I mean day one, booze has done nothing positive in my life. My father started it and I am ending it.

D.

Nirvana1

I'm glad you are sharing.

My advice is to truly ask yourself if you believe it is right to keep your sobriety date?

I'm asking you this because I feel it will help you recover better in the long run if you are completely honest in all your affairs. Right now it feels better to keep your sobriety date even though you went out drinking. Do you think thats a good plan for long term recovery?

A big part of recovery is being able to look someone in the eye and tell them I have x amount of days sober and this is the path I have taken. You will only hurt yourself and others if you are not always deep down honest with yourself in recovery.

Zebra1275

Why did I do it...

Uhm, because you're an alcoholic?

I have had my share on slips, trips, and falls and have asked myself similiar questions over the years. The thing that really got my attention that I might have a problem was the shakes.

I'm planning on never having them again, one day at a time. Thanks for the reminder of how miserable they make me feel.

LexieCat

Mama had another thread on the Alcoholism Forum, and she's already decided to "reset" her sobriety date for the reasons mentioned.

Honesty IS crucial to recovery, I think. Doesn't mean we have to flagellate ourselves when we falter--drinking is what alcoholics are compelled to do until the recovery work is done. But honesty with ourselves and others is part of that work.

Glad you're still with us, Mama!

mama36

Lexie is correct, I have reset my recovery date...today is day 2 for me. I am happy that I came here last night because thanks to a few people here I did realize that if I don't reset I AM lying to myself and others. You and me both Zebra...I used to blame it on blood sugar and though that is part of the alcoholic in me's problem, the shakes are a sure reminder to me that I just can't drink. My husband thinks smoking is going to kill me because of course with my first drink came my first smoke in several months...I told him to get off of my case, this is more important now. I will lose the butts soon as well.

Thanks to all for listening and Thanks Lexie, for originally pointing out that I really do need to remain true to myself.

D.

coffeenut

Hi mama. It doesn't really matter what you call it, or when you reset your date (imo). What does matter is that you stop. That's it. That's the most important thing.

Sometimes I think we get so caught up in 'stuff' we forget to get down to the basics.

I like Lexie's advice, too.

Freedom1990

I drank again after 4 years. It was beyond miserable, and I'm glad I made it back into recovery. Many don't.

Even though you reset your days, you still have that time you were sober to draw upon. I learned a lot in that first 4 years, and that didn't go away when I started over.

Good for you on digging back into recovery!

leo21

Hey Mama don't fret -

6 days ago would have been 9 months for me also - I stopped on September 1st and after over 90 days slipped up.

I truly believe that we can learn from past periods of great sobriety and it's up to us to use that time to our advantage. You may have lost some footing, but you gained so much more during those 9 months. I'm glad you are here, now it's almost time for me to join the June class.

Keep on keepin' on!!

mama36

I am glad that I am back now too. I had a really sad day full of shakes and hurt. I did have a long period of sobriety, nearly 4 years, then 5 months and then almost 9 months. I don't know how to feel other than glad to be here and ashamed for falling. I am trying to take the positive from this but it is difficult today. I thought the shakes all those months ago were from drinking for so long and so much but I now know that it happens every time and no matter how much I take in. It was a moment where I thought that I was all better and I could be normal again but it's just not meant to be. I am meant to be here and to reach out and to help others someday when I am stronger. When I stopped posting here I thought I had it all figured out, I was cocky and knew how to do it cause I did it for 5 years before. OMG was I wrong. I am just so down today...I am going to just try to relax and replay things in my mind. I don't want to do this to myself again.

Trouble is AA is just not for me, I just didn't feel good there for so many reasons but AADAC was going good...until I was "all better" and quit going. So many mistakes in such a short time.

D.

mama36

Oops, first time sober was nearly 5 years, correction.

soberjohndoe

i think the saying for those of us on this forum is "one drink is too many and a thousand are not enough" or something like that.

least

I ruined so many periods of sobriety by 'drinking again', thinking it would be different this time, I could handle it. But I kept trying, with the love and support of my family here, and now I have 18 months! So whatever you do - don't give up!

oak

Hi Mama, I'm glad you came back here and that you are sober today. I remember last fall we had similar amounts of sobriety. I also drank recently. You are not alone. I'm very impressed that you stopped drinking after just a few weeks.
It is easy for me to get overconfident also because I had many years of sobriety before.

I have been working on getting more support and finding/creating the right recovery plan for me. I like your idea of AADAC since you found it helpful before. Can you go back to that group easily?

mama36

Today is day 3 and I feel better this morning than I did on Sunday, that is for sure. I had a pretty down day yesterday and was feeling pretty sh'tty about myself but managed to come home from work, have a nap and then get a really important assignment done that I should have done last week while drinking my face off...good day after all. I am in the process of working on my SCM Diploma and awaiting a call to schedule a second interview for a new, really good job. I am hoping to hear in the next few days...could have really screwed that one up.

I have to keep my head held high and get through the next several days and I will surely feel better.

I will make a call today to go back to my AADAC counselor and get back on that track because apparently I am not made of gold and I do screw up, lol.

Have a really good day all, and thanks for the support.

D.