how to repair relationship with recovering alcoholic bf
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 8
how to repair relationship with recovering alcoholic bf
My ex bf has been sober for 2 1/2 yrs. We just broke up because I made a stupid mistake. I had a couple drinks with a friend not thinking it would be a big deal. He smelled the alcohol on my breath. It was really hard on him. I told him I'm willing to completely stop dining because he is so much more important to me than an occasional drink. After talking to his sponsor and other people in the program he decided that we couldnt be together because he was told I would develop resentment towards him if I stopped drinking for him. Prior to this incident we discussed and had our whole future planned out. We are very much in love, but he is taking the advice of his sponsor and left me. How do I make him believe that I'm willing to stop drinking because I want to? Thirds is tge man I was planning to marry and now I'm devastated.
Present
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
Posts: 1,252
I don't know what to say! But wanted you to know I am listening. If I put myself in your shoes, I would have done what you did: tell him I love him and would not resent him, that relationships involve compromise and I am willing to make this compromise because the relationship is more important. And if he reacted like he did, then I would let him have the space and time without getting in touch with him, to see if he would come around. And I'd practice not drinking in the meantime so that if he did come back around, I'd tell him I gave up drinking in hopes of reconciliation.
If I thought he would not come back for good, then I would go on with my life as normal as I could, while healing my broken heart. If that included an occasional drink with a friend, then that is what I would do.
I've said it before in conversation, but this will be my first time saying it on this board: there are others who have said it here on this board:
Take what you want, and leave the rest.
If I thought he would not come back for good, then I would go on with my life as normal as I could, while healing my broken heart. If that included an occasional drink with a friend, then that is what I would do.
I've said it before in conversation, but this will be my first time saying it on this board: there are others who have said it here on this board:
Take what you want, and leave the rest.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 8
I love this man with all of my heart and never meant to put him in such a hard situation. Ihave never been in a relationship with someone that struggles with addiction. It took this event happening to make me fully understand the severity of his addiction. I've decided to attend a few al-anon meetings to see if it will help me understand more. I can't imagine my life without this man. I know he feels the same about me. I guess all I can do is continue not drinking and pray it will work out. I'm willing to do whatever it takes. Thank you for listening.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Can I ask you:
How long had you two been dating?
Was this the first time you drank while dating him?
Check out the sticky (permanent) posts at the top of the forum, some of our stories are posted there.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Can I ask you:
How long had you two been dating?
Was this the first time you drank while dating him?
Check out the sticky (permanent) posts at the top of the forum, some of our stories are posted there.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Something doesn't sound right, here. Is this the very first time you've had a drink just before being around him? What kind of discussions about this preceded this event? Is it the fact that you smelled like alcohol, or was it the fact that you went out without him?
If he's been sober for two and a half years, I cannot imagine such an extreme reaction. At most, I could see his requesting that you not have alcohol on your breath when you are around him. Even if it happened once in awhile, though, and even though that might irritate him, it's hard to imagine it's a huge threat to his sobriety after two and a half years.
And, honestly, it isn't that huge a deal to give up drinking onesself in support of a partner in recovery. If you haven't felt resentful about it up to now, what in the world makes him think it would now cause a resentment?
And if his sponsor is telling him to break up with you, his sponsor is out of line. It's none of his business.
Kinda sounds to me like he was looking for an excuse to break up. Just my take.
If he's been sober for two and a half years, I cannot imagine such an extreme reaction. At most, I could see his requesting that you not have alcohol on your breath when you are around him. Even if it happened once in awhile, though, and even though that might irritate him, it's hard to imagine it's a huge threat to his sobriety after two and a half years.
And, honestly, it isn't that huge a deal to give up drinking onesself in support of a partner in recovery. If you haven't felt resentful about it up to now, what in the world makes him think it would now cause a resentment?
And if his sponsor is telling him to break up with you, his sponsor is out of line. It's none of his business.
Kinda sounds to me like he was looking for an excuse to break up. Just my take.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Your man probably does have a severe addiction and maybe he feels he is always a second away from relapsing but that is HIS to deal with. Was this just one time he smelled it on you? People in recovery cannot change the world to their liking, it is the other way around and it is called life.
My take is that his frustration at his inability to do the things you can still enjoy are at the heart of this, it is called projecting. But rather than accept that, he is pushing you away. There is nothing you can do about it.
And sponsors are fellow humans in recovery, they are not gods or gurus; if his sponsor so much of an influence on your relationship, that would concern me. After 2 years especially. Early on in recovery of course he should stick by his sponsor's word as closely as he can but would a sponsor say 'break up with her'. I don't know, maybe they do. So now the alcohol isn't controlling his life but his sponsor is?
I dunno, I just see think it wasn't cool what he did and is doing to you. Supporting someone is one thing, having to change who you are or everything about your life is counterproductive to recovery. It is living in life on life's terms.
Hope you have some peace with this. I'd keep my distance. Let him come to you and see what unfolds.
My take is that his frustration at his inability to do the things you can still enjoy are at the heart of this, it is called projecting. But rather than accept that, he is pushing you away. There is nothing you can do about it.
And sponsors are fellow humans in recovery, they are not gods or gurus; if his sponsor so much of an influence on your relationship, that would concern me. After 2 years especially. Early on in recovery of course he should stick by his sponsor's word as closely as he can but would a sponsor say 'break up with her'. I don't know, maybe they do. So now the alcohol isn't controlling his life but his sponsor is?
I dunno, I just see think it wasn't cool what he did and is doing to you. Supporting someone is one thing, having to change who you are or everything about your life is counterproductive to recovery. It is living in life on life's terms.
Hope you have some peace with this. I'd keep my distance. Let him come to you and see what unfolds.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 8
He is just as miserable as I am not being together. We had been together for a year. He wasn't looking for a reason to break up. I think one of the main things that really bothered him was the fact that he had just moved into my house and our home together was supposed to be a sanctuary where he could feel completely comfortable and I put him in a bad situation. I think it hadn't been a prob before for me to have a drink with a friend bc this wasn't his home. I agreed to not keep any alcohol in the house before he moved in. I don't blame him for listening to his sponsor bc that is the person who has helped keep him sober for so long.
Present
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
Posts: 1,252
so you two are still talking?
he moved out?
I went to do my workout after I wrote you, and I thought about you during my workout, and those same thoughts, "Something just doesn't sound right" that Lexy said, and also, it didn't sound like a sponsor's words to me? Just some red flags?? Maybe he was panicked about moving in together and that is more a reflection of what's going on???
I don't know...
I hope the best for you...
I also agree with Anvilhead, that YOU are the critical element of your own life.
he moved out?
I went to do my workout after I wrote you, and I thought about you during my workout, and those same thoughts, "Something just doesn't sound right" that Lexy said, and also, it didn't sound like a sponsor's words to me? Just some red flags?? Maybe he was panicked about moving in together and that is more a reflection of what's going on???
I don't know...
I hope the best for you...
I also agree with Anvilhead, that YOU are the critical element of your own life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 152
Hey Lo85,
I can relate to your situation. I was in a relationship with my XABF for 1.5 years and I too thought that we would get married and loved each other too much to be without one another. Like your situation, he was the A and I was a normal drinker that enjoyed drinking socially. Was that particular time the first time you had drank since you had been together? Were you with your partner when he got sober?
In my particular situation, my drinking was a BIG issue for us. When we began in the relationship we were both drinking together and at that time he didn't have a serious problem. It was only DURING the relationship that XABF decided he was an alcoholic and went to rehab. So, for me, even though I stopped drinking for a short period for him, I made the decision that I would not be abstinent in the long run. The issue then wasn't MY resentment towards him, but rather HIS resentment towards me. For us, we started really drifting apart because he was becoming "jealous" of my being able to drink normally and he HATED that. In turn for me that became a red flag for the future of our relationship and his recovery. Because the reality is whether or not I am drinking, alcohol and other drinkers are always going to be around and easily accessed. Did I really want to be in a relationship with someone who felt their sobriety threatened so easily?? Like others have said, 2.5 years of recovery is a while and its odd that he would have such a serious reaction.
I think before you dive in feet first that you should really first take this time to explore YOURSELF. Firstly whether ceasing drinking for your life is something that you are able to truly commit to. And secondly you should be thinking critically about the situation and what OTHER reasons XABF may have had to break it off (not saying there definitely are, but there might be). Sponsors aren't supposed to give advice like that as everybody else has said, so I don't know if that's the real truth of it.
I can relate to your situation. I was in a relationship with my XABF for 1.5 years and I too thought that we would get married and loved each other too much to be without one another. Like your situation, he was the A and I was a normal drinker that enjoyed drinking socially. Was that particular time the first time you had drank since you had been together? Were you with your partner when he got sober?
In my particular situation, my drinking was a BIG issue for us. When we began in the relationship we were both drinking together and at that time he didn't have a serious problem. It was only DURING the relationship that XABF decided he was an alcoholic and went to rehab. So, for me, even though I stopped drinking for a short period for him, I made the decision that I would not be abstinent in the long run. The issue then wasn't MY resentment towards him, but rather HIS resentment towards me. For us, we started really drifting apart because he was becoming "jealous" of my being able to drink normally and he HATED that. In turn for me that became a red flag for the future of our relationship and his recovery. Because the reality is whether or not I am drinking, alcohol and other drinkers are always going to be around and easily accessed. Did I really want to be in a relationship with someone who felt their sobriety threatened so easily?? Like others have said, 2.5 years of recovery is a while and its odd that he would have such a serious reaction.
I think before you dive in feet first that you should really first take this time to explore YOURSELF. Firstly whether ceasing drinking for your life is something that you are able to truly commit to. And secondly you should be thinking critically about the situation and what OTHER reasons XABF may have had to break it off (not saying there definitely are, but there might be). Sponsors aren't supposed to give advice like that as everybody else has said, so I don't know if that's the real truth of it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
This definitely sounds "off" to me as well. He is going to be in ALL types of situations where people are drinking socially. You did not make a mistake. You are a person who drinks "normally" and to end a relationship because you had a couple of drinks with a friend is ludicrous. I hate to say it, but there is something else going on with him. And it does sound like an excuse to me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 8
I just don't know. It was all his idea to move in with me. I know he truly loves me and wants to be with me. We sat down and talked this morning. It was very emotional for both of us. I don't think I will be strong enough to handle frequent interaction with him while we are not together. I'm going to give him space and work on myself for a while. I don't know exaxtly what was said between him and his sponsor. He also spoke with other peoole in the program that had been through similar situations and they said it couldn't work between us. I do believe that if I decide to quit drinking for ME and not him that he would want to reconcile our relationship. I drastically cut back my drinking when we got together and I had no resentment towards him then. I really don't think I would have a problem stopping comletely.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
That's not the point...he does not have the right to hold your relationship hostage by controlling whether or not you drink socially. And being 2 1/2 years into recovery, this should not even be an issue. Just my opinion though.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I'll toss this out there into the realm of possibilities. When my RABF started acting all loony it was because he was already relapsing (a slip here and there) and I had NO idea. I don't think he was even admitting it to himself.
Maybe your RABF is slipping too and/or about to so that small bit of alcohol triggered a wave of god knows what in him. Other than he is trying to weasel out of the relationship using that as excuse, hard to know. I only know what I experienced and he pushed me away right before he went to full blown relapse mode.
Not saying your BF is but if he is reactive, something not right is happening that has nothing to do with you.
Maybe your RABF is slipping too and/or about to so that small bit of alcohol triggered a wave of god knows what in him. Other than he is trying to weasel out of the relationship using that as excuse, hard to know. I only know what I experienced and he pushed me away right before he went to full blown relapse mode.
Not saying your BF is but if he is reactive, something not right is happening that has nothing to do with you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 8
Well it is still an issue. Everyone's recovery is different. I know it is still a daily struggle for him and I do believe he is doing the only thing he knows to do to continue his sobriety. He knows that he is the one with the problem, not me. I can't be angry with him for ending things for now. I'm just heart-broken and trying to figure out how to be a better and more supportive gf to an alcoholic/addict.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Hi!
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How is the rest of your life going?
Now that I realize I am an independent human being with my own goals, dreams, things that I enjoy, life is better. What can you do today for YOU? even if its a tiny thing that seems irrelevant... do it...
Favorite magazine?
Manicure?
Calling a girl friend for coffee?
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I was thikning the exact same thing. Something seems fishy here.
And the whole thing with the sponsor..I'm sorry, but my al-anon sponsor doesn't get involved in my relationships. If she told me to break up with someone who was that important to me over the fact that that person MIGHT develop a resentment, I'd tell her to take a hike.
And the whole thing with the sponsor..I'm sorry, but my al-anon sponsor doesn't get involved in my relationships. If she told me to break up with someone who was that important to me over the fact that that person MIGHT develop a resentment, I'd tell her to take a hike.
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Something doesn't sound right, here. Is this the very first time you've had a drink just before being around him? What kind of discussions about this preceded this event? Is it the fact that you smelled like alcohol, or was it the fact that you went out without him?
If he's been sober for two and a half years, I cannot imagine such an extreme reaction. At most, I could see his requesting that you not have alcohol on your breath when you are around him. Even if it happened once in awhile, though, and even though that might irritate him, it's hard to imagine it's a huge threat to his sobriety after two and a half years.
And, honestly, it isn't that huge a deal to give up drinking onesself in support of a partner in recovery. If you haven't felt resentful about it up to now, what in the world makes him think it would now cause a resentment?
And if his sponsor is telling him to break up with you, his sponsor is out of line. It's none of his business.
Kinda sounds to me like he was looking for an excuse to break up. Just my take.
If he's been sober for two and a half years, I cannot imagine such an extreme reaction. At most, I could see his requesting that you not have alcohol on your breath when you are around him. Even if it happened once in awhile, though, and even though that might irritate him, it's hard to imagine it's a huge threat to his sobriety after two and a half years.
And, honestly, it isn't that huge a deal to give up drinking onesself in support of a partner in recovery. If you haven't felt resentful about it up to now, what in the world makes him think it would now cause a resentment?
And if his sponsor is telling him to break up with you, his sponsor is out of line. It's none of his business.
Kinda sounds to me like he was looking for an excuse to break up. Just my take.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Same with the sponsor being out of line..if people in the program said it wouldn't work between the 2 of you, they are out of line.
I'm wondering if he is even IN a program. Are you sure he has a sponsor and that he really goes to meetings?
People I know in AA wouldn't be saying things like that to a fellow AA member.
I'm wondering if he is even IN a program. Are you sure he has a sponsor and that he really goes to meetings?
People I know in AA wouldn't be saying things like that to a fellow AA member.
Originally Posted by Lo85
I just don't know. It was all his idea to move in with me. I know he truly loves me and wants to be with me. We sat down and talked this morning. It was very emotional for both of us. I don't think I will be strong enough to handle frequent interaction with him while we are not together. I'm going to give him space and work on myself for a while. I don't know exaxtly what was said between him and his sponsor. He also spoke with other peoole in the program that had been through similar situations and they said it couldn't work between us. I do believe that if I decide to quit drinking for ME and not him that he would want to reconcile our relationship. I drastically cut back my drinking when we got together and I had no resentment towards him then. I really don't think I would have a problem stopping comletely.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Before you moved in together, had you agreed not to drink?
Were you drinking socially before you moved in together?
As a recovering "A" who lives with a husband who still drinks, something seems amiss here.
Were you drinking socially before you moved in together?
As a recovering "A" who lives with a husband who still drinks, something seems amiss here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 8
He is definitely in the program. He does his meditation every morning when he wakes up, goes to meetings several times a week and works at a treatment center. I've met his sponsor and his sponsees. I would drink occassionally before we moved in..once every month or two. He was o.k. With me drinking in the beginning, even bought me drinks when we went out. Then, he kept changing his mind about my drinking. it would be ok one time and not another time. He feels like when he was making decisions for himself before he was in recovery they were always the wrong ones so he consults his sponsor before making any decisions in his life. The problem I have is that this important decision involved my life as well.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Lo85, I have to agree with everyone else. There is more to this than you are being told. It's not your job to support his recovery, otherwise its not his. I agree with anvilhead back off and give him space. Go to some al-anon meetings and get your head together.
But, yeah, something just doesn't feel right here.
But, yeah, something just doesn't feel right here.
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