Mylifesofar

So here I am posting on the internet because I am so confused. My husband of almost 21 years is an alcoholic. I know he is but he doesn't think he is. It's Sunday morning and from Friday at 4 to Saturday at 7 he drank 20 beers. I told someone recently it's sad that I hope he only drinks a 6 pack. When did it get to this point??? We have 4 children, 3 still live at home and all are teenagers. The 2 older girls that are home just laugh at him but I think they know the deal. The youngest is his only boy and 14. He is affected the most. He just wants him to be a dad and told him so last night. When he drinks he doesn't care, makes sarcastic remarks and then passes out, oh wait he just naps, yeah right. I've thought about leaving but I think that would hurt my son the most. He tells me often, don't divorce him, it's ok. But it's not ok. I'm so tired of living like this. I'm ashamed of what I think, it's selfish. So here I am, I guess looking for advice, wanting help and just wanting it to be ok. I wish he would admit he drinks too much but he won't. We have fights over it all the time. He drives while buzzed and probably drunk. I went to the store Friday night and while I was gone he finished his 6 pack and drove to the store to get another one. I see it causing problems now with my kids. Again, I ran to the store last night and was gone 15 minutes. When I came home my 2 youngest were crying. WTF??? Dad is overweight and so is son and apparently dad decided to pick on son again about what he was eating and son said it would be nice if you practiced what you preach. A valid point but not received well as you can imagine. He's not abusive physically but is somewhat mentally as I think they all are. Probably doesn't help I grew up in a family where no one drinks. He grew up Catholic where everyone drinks. He has one brother who has admitted to being alcoholic and received treatment. His dad drinks red wine constantly at family functions. We can't have a family function without alcohol. So here I am. If you've read the ramblings this far, help me. What can I do? How do I help my kids? I love him when he's sober but I hate him when he drinks...

suki44883

Welcome to SR! You will find a lot of support here. I'm sorry you and your children are dealing with this. You're right, it isn't okay. Unfortunately, you cannot change him, so if you want serenity in your own life, you are going to have to be the one to make changes.

Have you considered al-anon meetings? They are like AA meetings, except they are for anyone whose life is affected by an alcoholic. There are also ala-teen meetings that your kids could attend. Also, you might want to post in our Friends and Family forum. You will receive a lot of support from people who have been and some who still are where you are. Here's a link to our Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

artsoul

Welcome, mylifesofar..... I'm so glad you're reaching out for support. You're definitely not alone - there are many, many people dealing with the same thing.

There is a vicious cycle to alcoholism. We drink to relieve the anxiety, depression, and stress inside of us, but when we sober up, the rebound effect creates more anxiety, depression and stress. It's hard to see it when we're in that cycle. We attribute the negative effects to what's going on around us. Alcohol is the problem, but seems like the solution. (Hence the denial: to admit our problem means we would have to take away the one thing that makes us feel good, even if it's only temporary).

40% of alcoholics have underlying mental/emotional issues and in essence are self-medicating. Alcohol has been shown to work differently in our brains/bodies, and there is a genetic factor as well. I think if you do some research on alcoholism, it will help you understand what you're dealing with.

I do hope you check out the Friend/Family section. You can make healthy choices for yourself and your children in spite of your husband's addiction.:ghug3

nandm

Welcome to SR

Yes, you are not alone. There are many people going through similar circumstances every day. Here is a list to our forum for Friends and Familes of Alcoholics. I think you will find some great people there who can completely relate to your situation. Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

LaFemme

Welcome to SR! You are not alone. My heart goes out to you and your kids. You will get a lot of advice on the friends and family forum. Additionally, you may want to considered gettingg some counseling for your son.

Hugs and prayers.
LaFemme

opmloser

What you've described so far is very tough and you must be a super strong person to go through this...our hearts are with you and do check out the threads that were posted by the others--they are very helpful.
I wish I could offer a life-changing-for-the-better answer, but I can't. What I can tell you is that your hubby won't change until he is ready. Your pointing it out to him that he's got a problem is falling on deaf ears. He has to WANT to stop. And unfortunately for us alcoholics, it typically takes a hard fall for us to realize we've got a problem such a loss of a job/house/spouse/friends....
Do you have a family doctor? If you do, then you can speak with the doc and next time your hubby has an appointment, the doctor can sit with him. Sometimes (only sometimes) a person will listen to and heed the advice of a medical expert.
I genuinely hope that you stay on this board and keep posting. Godspeed to you.

1undone

Hey Mylife... Welcome! I got sober when my husband started going to Alanon. I realized he cared enough about me to get himself healthy. No amount of fighting our reason will get your husband to stop. It's already been said and it's true. It's not that you aren't important to your husband or that he doesn't love you it's that he is sick.

Also, it wasn't until I went to AA and listened to the seasoned sober people that I realized I was very ill. I had no idea that I fit the alcoholic description so spot on. It was helpful and depressing at the same time. I am currently mourning the loss of a good and bad friend - alcohol. I have years of habitual behaviors to get past that revolved around drinking including family functions.

Get yourself and your kids support. Detach with love from your husband and get well. Everything will eventually fall into place however it is supposed to. I give you a lot of credit for reaching out here. I wish more people like you would.

Dee74

Welcome to SR mylifesofar - as you've seen already you'll find a lot of support here

There's some great advice here. please do check out the FF forums as well, and consider something like AlAnon

I'm sorry for your situation - it sounds as if something has to give here...don't let it be you and the kids.

D

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR! You are definitely not alone. In addition to checking out the friends & family forums, I recommend you read the "stickies" - posts at the very top of the forum. There is some really good information in them.

Al-anon (for you) and ala-teen (for your son) are options that will give you both some f2f support from people who know what it's like to be where you are.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I hope you are able to find support for you and your children.

least

Yes, please do take a look at the friends/family forum. Lots of good experience and advice there. No, you are not alone. But as everyone else has said, he won't stop drinking until he's ready to stop. You have to decide if you want to stay with him as he is or leave and make a stable life for yourself and kids. I believe it's better to come from a broken home than to live in one.

And yes, do check out AlAnon meetings for support in what you're going thru.

Welcome to SR.

woowaa

Welcome

I was (any maybe still am, only time will tell) like your husband. I have a wife and young daughter and I have drank every night for as long as I can remember with odd respite days or even a week max before returning back to nightly.

It has taken me until my daughter is 7 to realise, off my own back, that something is wrong and I cannot carry on that way.

For years (and years) my wife has "gone on" at me, telling me i'm drinking too much which I have brushed off nicely with "it's just a relaxing drink after work" and hundreds of other great excuses.

On the day before my daughters third birthday, I went out on a works outing, got absolutely smashed, my wife and daughter came to pick me up and selfishly I carried on drinking inside while they were outside waiting - even my daughter, even at that age told my wife to leave me there.

I got home that night and tried to build her birthday bike drunk, that was after passing out on her bed for a good hour....I scratched her bike several times and felt guilty for being drunk for about 24 hours until I drank again.

There are at least a hundred more examples, some worse, some better - my point is, it took me 7 years with two key people in my life to realise I had a problem and I still don't know what it was that made me "wake up".

You're not on your own, my wife has suffered like you and many others.

God now I do feel bad but if I had read your post 3 weeks ago, I would have brushed it off as crazy so I am slightly improving.

The thing is, I didn't even realise I was doing it...despite all those around me voicing their concerns.

I didn't know I was sick. I think you will find your husband is in the same place.

You are very welcome here, I hope you can find some useful info, maybe something like going to an al-anon group will shock your husband into realisation - give it a try.

And please stick around.

Zebra1275

It's frustrating, but you can't control whether your husband drinks or not, only he can.

EmeraldRose

I'm sorry. I know how difficult it is because I was the one at home with the kids -usually drinking. My husband never knew what to expect when he came through the door from work.
Unfortunately, I was the one that had to make up mind to stop. No one could tell me I drank too much or was a problem. I had to realize it on my own. As so the story goes with us alcoholics we need to realize it and admit it ourselves. There is help out there for family members and all you can do is encourage and support. Unless you take that final step and leave. The choice is his.

guyinyvr

Hi Mylife

Well I think as people have mentioned , the only person who can start change is themselves , nobody else can do much until the point of the desire to change is in the person.

You may have to make some difficult decisions for your own and your children's safety. Driving around drunk is not only illegal most places but dangerous to your husband and everyone else on the road. As other have mentioned there is support here and elsewhere for you and the children regardless of whether your husband sees the problem or not.

I am the alcoholic in my family and have encouraged everyone to get support as I know alcoholism affects not just the alcoholic but everyone around them. My kids have gotten help but my wife resist help of any sort which seems to be a family trait on her side. I can't make her get help just as she could not make seek help and support to get sober. I had to take the action and own my sobriety.

I do hope you can find peace and safety and hope your husband can become aware of the issue before something really bad happens but as mentioned , sometimes its a deep hole an alcoholic digs that creates the start of realizing the problem at hand.

Best wishes and SR is always here, help for alcoholics and users and people affected by them.

ajangel

My mom stayed with my dad "for the sake of the children". I used to pray she would leave him. Had she left, 5 out of the 6 of us may not have turned out to be alcoholics. It would benefit you and your children if you went to some kind of counseling. Like my beautiful mom, you are very strong. Blessings to you

Mylifesofar

Thank you everyone for the advice. It really is good to know I am not alone. I will check out the family forum. I have talked to my son and he knows dad is an alcoholic but he absolutely keeps telling me don't leave him. I assured him I wouldn't but if it excalates to physical abuse we are out of there in a heartbeat. I also had the opportunity to talk to my youngest daugher (17) she also already knew. Amazing what they know when you think you are keeping it so cool and hiding it. I feel bad for raising them in this environment but they both are ok with it for now. I am back at work today and maybe the confronting of my kids has just made it more real but I'm really having a tough time concentrating and not crying today. I have a friend I can talk to but not right now, I need to work. Maybe I'll start a blog just to get all of these feelings out. We had a big fight while the kids were gone for awhile this weekend and he said some really hurtful and untrue things to me and that hurts. He apologized of course but the damage is done and I can't just blow that off. So again, thanks. THis seems helpful. I've checked out Al-Anon but no meetings I can go to where he doesn't know I'm going and not in our town, it's just too small.