Well, he's gone..... how does one cope?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 8
Well, he's gone..... how does one cope?
Hello all, I'll try and make this a short as possible. Living with ABF for one year.
After suicide attempts, hospital visits, and impossibly selfish behavior, and a 4 month stint with Lortab as well as beer, he is gone.
My logical self knows it is for the best. I tried to get him help over and over again, but he wanted no part of it. I kicked him out after finding out about the lortab. he spent a week in a house we're sure was a druggy house. He has no place of his own, no vehicle, and only occasionally a job. He asked to come back after that week, and I agreed only with conditions of NO lortab, and no more than 12 beers a day, and not before 3 pm. (he is often an 18-30 beer drinker daily).
Needless to say, it went ok for about 3 weeks, but then one night everything exploded because I asked him to spend some time with me, and not the ps3, again..... big fight,and he was gone. Slept outside next to a creek. His family will not take him in, because of past episodes.
Bottome Line: I was in control of the beer, and he couldnt take it.
I also live with my Afather, and now with my guy gone, Im even more depressed being here with Dad.
Just wondering how one deals with the emptiness left by an A. The peace is nice, and Im trying to focus on that, but its lonely too, and my fathers alcoholism depresses me more now that its just he and I here.
Logically I know Im better off, but its only been 3 days, and emotionally I just want to fall apart and disappear.
Any help would be great,
thank you, rl
After suicide attempts, hospital visits, and impossibly selfish behavior, and a 4 month stint with Lortab as well as beer, he is gone.
My logical self knows it is for the best. I tried to get him help over and over again, but he wanted no part of it. I kicked him out after finding out about the lortab. he spent a week in a house we're sure was a druggy house. He has no place of his own, no vehicle, and only occasionally a job. He asked to come back after that week, and I agreed only with conditions of NO lortab, and no more than 12 beers a day, and not before 3 pm. (he is often an 18-30 beer drinker daily).
Needless to say, it went ok for about 3 weeks, but then one night everything exploded because I asked him to spend some time with me, and not the ps3, again..... big fight,and he was gone. Slept outside next to a creek. His family will not take him in, because of past episodes.
Bottome Line: I was in control of the beer, and he couldnt take it.
I also live with my Afather, and now with my guy gone, Im even more depressed being here with Dad.
Just wondering how one deals with the emptiness left by an A. The peace is nice, and Im trying to focus on that, but its lonely too, and my fathers alcoholism depresses me more now that its just he and I here.
Logically I know Im better off, but its only been 3 days, and emotionally I just want to fall apart and disappear.
Any help would be great,
thank you, rl
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi friend, and welcome.
Boy, you have a load on your shoulders -- an alcoholic boyfriend AND an alcoholic father!
I'm glad you no longer have to babysit and try to make your boyfriend behave -- that usually doesn't work very well, and just wears you out.
I think you could choose to take the extra time you have now to focus on yourself.
What do you want?
Do you want to live with your alcoholic father? Do you want to move out of there and be on your own? Do you love your job or do you want another one? Training? Education? Move cross-country?
Living with alcoholics does a number on our ability to take care of (and even want to take care of ) ourselves. I would recommend trying to find an Al-Anon group in your area, that way you can meet other people who have been in the same situation you are and can help you figure out how to teach yourself to live a healthy life without alcoholics -- or with them -- in it.
Lots of hugs.
Boy, you have a load on your shoulders -- an alcoholic boyfriend AND an alcoholic father!
I'm glad you no longer have to babysit and try to make your boyfriend behave -- that usually doesn't work very well, and just wears you out.
I think you could choose to take the extra time you have now to focus on yourself.
What do you want?
Do you want to live with your alcoholic father? Do you want to move out of there and be on your own? Do you love your job or do you want another one? Training? Education? Move cross-country?
Living with alcoholics does a number on our ability to take care of (and even want to take care of ) ourselves. I would recommend trying to find an Al-Anon group in your area, that way you can meet other people who have been in the same situation you are and can help you figure out how to teach yourself to live a healthy life without alcoholics -- or with them -- in it.
Lots of hugs.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
What are you doing for you? Do you attend meetings? Have you read Codependent No More? If not, I would suggest you do so.
When I tossed out my exabf, I didn't miss him, I just missed the drama, I was kind of bored....for awhile, then I got busy living my life for me, something I should have done long ago.
Is there some reason you live with your A father? Two A's in the house is a codies nightmare!
Give it time, work on you, it will improve.
When I tossed out my exabf, I didn't miss him, I just missed the drama, I was kind of bored....for awhile, then I got busy living my life for me, something I should have done long ago.
Is there some reason you live with your A father? Two A's in the house is a codies nightmare!
Give it time, work on you, it will improve.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Hi! And Welcome 
I'm sorry you're hurting right now. There are several things that have helped me focus on a more positive and enriching life.
1. Reading and posting here.
2. Al-anon meetings (Note: I had to try a couple of them to find the right 'fit')
3. Reading Courage to Change every day (just little daily devotionals)
4. Reading the Big Book of AA (I understood more of what the A is going through)
5. Becoming more gentle on myself.
In all these places, I've learned some very important tenets:
Remember, you did not Cause this,
You cannot Control it,
You cannot Cure it.
Alcoholics end up either:
Sobered up
Locked up
or
Covered up (buried)
That this family disease affects EveryOne in the household and those closest to the Alcoholic.
It's best not to try to have unrealistic expectations of someone in the throes of this disease: They say to expect your emotional needs to be met by an A is like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread.
I've also learned that not only One Day at a Time is important, but sometimes I have to live One Moment at a Time.
AND...I plan to also read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty.
Peace,
skipper
I'm sorry you're hurting right now. There are several things that have helped me focus on a more positive and enriching life.
1. Reading and posting here.
2. Al-anon meetings (Note: I had to try a couple of them to find the right 'fit')
3. Reading Courage to Change every day (just little daily devotionals)
4. Reading the Big Book of AA (I understood more of what the A is going through)
5. Becoming more gentle on myself.
In all these places, I've learned some very important tenets:
Remember, you did not Cause this,
You cannot Control it,
You cannot Cure it.
Alcoholics end up either:
Sobered up
Locked up
or
Covered up (buried)
That this family disease affects EveryOne in the household and those closest to the Alcoholic.
It's best not to try to have unrealistic expectations of someone in the throes of this disease: They say to expect your emotional needs to be met by an A is like going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread.
I've also learned that not only One Day at a Time is important, but sometimes I have to live One Moment at a Time.
AND...I plan to also read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty.
Peace,
skipper
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi and welcome.
Give yourself a few more days,
let your heart catch up with our head.
It will.
From what you describe
this is not a 'bad' thing.
It just hurts is all.
I also suggest checking out programs like Alanon
because when a parent is an alcoholic
we tend to choose relationships
that include that kind of behavior....
... because we don't know any better.
Alanon would give you an instant new circle of friends
who are all doing the same thing you are doing
and that is breaking a cycle.
I think you'd have a great time
getting into that
and staying busy
is a key to moving on.
Welcome again!
Give yourself a few more days,
let your heart catch up with our head.
It will.
From what you describe
this is not a 'bad' thing.
It just hurts is all.
I also suggest checking out programs like Alanon
because when a parent is an alcoholic
we tend to choose relationships
that include that kind of behavior....
... because we don't know any better.
Alanon would give you an instant new circle of friends
who are all doing the same thing you are doing
and that is breaking a cycle.
I think you'd have a great time
getting into that
and staying busy
is a key to moving on.
Welcome again!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Sounds like you need:
1: To attend some alanon classes
2: Time to get your own place & call it your home
3: Go find some new healthy happy friends & find yourself & ENJOY LIFE!!!
4: Work 2 jobs if you have too, just to stay busy & meet some new people
5: Read this site, communicate with other people who understand, like
all of us here and in alanon classes...DO YOURSELF A FAVOR!! YOU DESERVE IT!!
1: To attend some alanon classes
2: Time to get your own place & call it your home
3: Go find some new healthy happy friends & find yourself & ENJOY LIFE!!!
4: Work 2 jobs if you have too, just to stay busy & meet some new people
5: Read this site, communicate with other people who understand, like
all of us here and in alanon classes...DO YOURSELF A FAVOR!! YOU DESERVE IT!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 8
Thank You for your kind responses.
The dad issue is hard. I am a single parent, and he gave my daughter and myself a safe place to stay while I've raised her these last 18 years.
Now that he is older, has had some T.I.A.'s(strokes), it makes it more difficult to think of leaving. ..... he helped me quite a bit in my life, and I feel the need to take care of him now. Plus, he is still paying a mortgage, and couldnt handle all the payments here on his own. But I have been thinking more and more about how peaceful a nice little corner of my own would be.
The getting on with my life is where I need to do serious work. I cared for an elderly lady for 5 years, and she passed away last November, as did my Grandmother(who partially raised me). At the same time watching those 2 lovely ladies go thru the dying process, my dad started calling into work, drinking 24/7, and we ended up getting him into detox for 5 days at the va. So I have not done my grieving yet, and harbor so much anger and resentment towards my dad and ex-bf that I feel like a ticking time bomb.
Am working a pt job assissting an elderly gent, but need to really get more work, make some goals, and decide how to live my life before I am my dads age. ......God, that seems like such an overwhelming task. I am tempted to just go back to bed, pull the covers over my head, and not come out again.
But that just isnt an option, so I am pulling up the bootstraps, and will follow up on many of the suggestions given here.
Thank You again,
rainbow
The dad issue is hard. I am a single parent, and he gave my daughter and myself a safe place to stay while I've raised her these last 18 years.
Now that he is older, has had some T.I.A.'s(strokes), it makes it more difficult to think of leaving. ..... he helped me quite a bit in my life, and I feel the need to take care of him now. Plus, he is still paying a mortgage, and couldnt handle all the payments here on his own. But I have been thinking more and more about how peaceful a nice little corner of my own would be.
The getting on with my life is where I need to do serious work. I cared for an elderly lady for 5 years, and she passed away last November, as did my Grandmother(who partially raised me). At the same time watching those 2 lovely ladies go thru the dying process, my dad started calling into work, drinking 24/7, and we ended up getting him into detox for 5 days at the va. So I have not done my grieving yet, and harbor so much anger and resentment towards my dad and ex-bf that I feel like a ticking time bomb.
Am working a pt job assissting an elderly gent, but need to really get more work, make some goals, and decide how to live my life before I am my dads age. ......God, that seems like such an overwhelming task. I am tempted to just go back to bed, pull the covers over my head, and not come out again.
But that just isnt an option, so I am pulling up the bootstraps, and will follow up on many of the suggestions given here.
Thank You again,
rainbow
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by RainbowLight 
Am working a pt job assissting an elderly gent, but need to really get more work, make some goals, and decide how to live my life before I am my dads age. ......God, that seems like such an overwhelming task. I am tempted to just go back to bed, pull the covers over my head, and not come out again.
But that just isnt an option, so I am pulling up the bootstraps, and will follow up on many of the suggestions given here.
But that just isnt an option, so I am pulling up the bootstraps, and will follow up on many of the suggestions given here.
~T
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