Hudstar

Hi all. I had a long post planned, to sort of check in with SR and myself. But like most intentions I have these days, the energy has left me and I've stalled. Instead I really want to release this rising pressure in me and ask a direct question:

How do you deal with the unshakeable feeling that your sobriety is temporary only, that a relapse is inevitable?

I'm 9 months sober, since the hell of active addiction to alcohol, to surrender, 'coming out' to family and friends, 2 months treatment: 9 months since all that and I stumbled back out in to the world sober.

Fast forward to now and my recovery is in limbo, if not in freefall. I feel like for all the clarity, the renewed health, restored appearance, the hope and fragile confidence, the love and encouragement of friends and family - even from myself, a little- I feel as if my Sobriety is running out of steam, like I'm reaching the end of the line and there's a drink waiting for me. In other words I guess I feel really close to relapse and I hate it.

I hate the feeling because I truly know what that first drink will do, where it will lead. Yet my overwhelming feeling of the last few weeks is that my sobriety has a timer and it's nearly run down. I'm close to a drink yet don't know why. I do know that I am bored, paralysed in most of my affairs, stopping before really starting anything, indecisive etc. 'Numb' would be an apt description for the way of things lately. For example, the other evening, at a loss for what to do, I flopped down on my bed to stare at the ceiling and think. Three hours passed by (!) of just that; lying there staring up, running circular thoughts over and over again, about drinking, enjoying the summer, mixing amongst drinkers, my loneliness, what to do tomorrow and so on and so on going nowhere. I work had all week landscaping (not my profession of choice but I'm fortunate to have a job to start over with) and look forward to the weekend but when it gets here, slump! Don't know what to do with it apart from fill it with little distractions to divert my attention from that voice that has been getting louder and louder lately, telling me to throw my arms up and surrender my sobriety, just like I did my alcoholism, and get a f**king drink and be done with it. "Sooner rather than later" and other

I truly can't bare the thought of it. The betrayal that would represent, of the hope and trust of those who care about me, the undoing of all I've rebuilt in these last 9 months, the promise of a better life I know I'll only find sober, the shattering of the (arrogant) illusion that I'm better than those chronic relapsers I've seen and heard about. And you know what? Tonight, that's enough to keep me away from that first drink. But will it be tomorrow? And the night after that? I'd love to answer that question with a 'yes' but the only honest answer I can give, right now, is 'no'.

Any advice or similiar experiences and solutions would be truly appreciated, SR.

Thank you

Dee74

Welcome back Hud

I felt that feeling a few times before, back before I got to SR - I felt paralysed to do anything good for myself, I felt drawn along, inexorably drawn back to drinking...and so I was.

What I've done different since I quit the last time is work on my recovery every day - whether I feel good or bad about myself or my life or my day.

If my recovery is well cared for and well maintained, nothing and noone can make me feel it's in jeopardy.

It's paid off for me - I've faced bad health, bereavement, relationship problems, financial disaster, depression, stress...but I stuck to my programme throughout and felt secure.

So I guess my question is - what have you been doing for your recovery lately, Hud?

It's in your hands - what can you think to add to what you've been doing to stop this slide?
D

newwings

It's early days for me (46) so reading this puts a little flutter of anxiety through me. We all want to hear success stories - and I see yours AS one, despite your misgivings and restlessness about staying sober forever.

Just one question I want to ask you though...did you feel all those things BEFORE you quit, too? I mean, the loneliness, boredom, no goal for tomorrow? Because I think those feelings are the key. I know how much energy it takes to remain sober, it takes thought and input several times a day - every day - and I can understand how, after 9 months, it seems tiring to do just that. I bet the internal thrill you have about just thinking "**** it!" gives you a little spike of energy where you didn't have it before

What kind of recovery plan are you doing? It seems like you have a bit of a gap right now, and need to be energized back into the early days. How about a new AA meeting with some new faces? Or reading some sobriety literature you haven't read before? I don't know, I haven't got much experience in this (and I'm sure some long timers will be able to chime in and give support), but your post jumped out at me and I wanted to let you know it gave me a lot of stuff to think about.

instant

Hudstar
you are way in front of me (day 21 today) so take my comments in that context. My first suggestion is that is sounds like you are on the threshold of change (bored, time on your hands, ill at ease, facing self doubt, lacking engagement in what you are doing etc). You are also telling yourself you are on verge of relapse (creating more doubt etc, I should also confess that I love the 'rational recovery- alcoholic voice' stuff) which is destabilising you further, creating more doubt etc.

My second suggestion is to go back and read your post as if it were posted by a friend and consider what advice you would give them.

It seems that you are at a place where there are some issues you need to understand and address. Alcohol is being promoted as the solution. You have posted here and are recognising this as a crisis- which if you handle it well will take you to the next level

susanlauren

Hudstar,
It sounds to me as if you are suffering from untreated alcoholism. Not drinking is not a solution. Alcoholism is a physical, mental and spiritual illness. Not drinking treats the physical aspect but does nothing for the mental obsession and the spiritual malady.

I have been where you are. It was a miserable way to live. I was plagued with pitched mental battles over alcohol and drinking. I was depressed and unhappy. I was constantly on the edge of relapse. Each day the tension and anxiety continued to mount.

What did I do? I went to Alcoholics Anonymous. I found a sponsor who works the steps from the Big Book (the AA textbook). I completely gave myself to the AA program and to working the twelve steps. I followed every direction I was given.

What happened? The difference is night and day. I do not want to drink anymore. I do not have a single thought or obsession about alcohol. I am peaceful and calm. I am a new person inside. (Check out my thread, Progress Report, on the 12 Step Forum).

This can happen for you too. If you want it and are willing to do the work. Susan

Hudstar

Thanks Wings. I have to admit those feelings have been recurrent through much of my life, exacerbated tremendously by drinking and now manifest in my sobriety as described, which is way less than before, but still a threat.

Please be assured though, that this is just my recovery, and though we'll all experience our own - though not entirely dissimilar - challenges on this journey, we can all get where we need to be.

I tell myself 'I'm just doing my best'. But if that were truly the case, I guess I wouldn't be posting here.

Helps though ;-)

Anna

Hudstar, you are doing your best, and coming here right now is just the right thing to do.

I think you know that where you are now isn't comfortable. It's time to move forward with your recovery. My suggestion would be to get involved in something that gets you meeting new people, doing something you enjoy, giving back to your community.

Threshold

From my own recent experience, here is my thought. If you feel discouraged in your recovery/sobriety now, it'll be that much worse if you throw in the towel. I relapsed a month ago, after many of the feelings you describe, the inevitability, etc.

Within HOURS that sense of ineveitability swelled and a night of using grew into an intentional overdose, I mean, why not? Right? I know the routine, rather than go through months of misery why not just end this thing?

When I got out of the hospital I began my recovery program again with genuine if reluctant effort. I mean I KNOW it is what I need to do, read my literature, be active here, journal, etc. I KNOW because it worked before that if I Work it I will be OK, even more than OK. The reluctance comes from not wanting to give the time and energy to it. I want the benefits without the effort. Well, since after I got out of the hospital I went back to my job, even on days I don't want to, and I take my meds, even when I don't feel like it, I will do this too, even when I don't want to. And daily, as my life stabilizes once again as the result of practicing my recovery behavior and principles, I get less reluctant, and more willing.

yes, it is inevitable that if you slip into your old ways of thinking and behaving, you will again slither into the misery of active addiction. It is just as inevitable that if you do once again put effort into sobriety, recovery and the new ways of thinking and behaving, you will reap those benefits.

Today, before you start using YOU have a choice. You're not too far gone. I'm glad you came here and shared.

wellwisher

(((Hud))))

I can certainly identify with what you are experiencing right now. I have had some extended moments of "so, this is it..." type of feelings, and can tell you that it is a pretty perilous space to be in.

Life circumstances being what they are, I have been so overwhelmed at times during my sobriety that at times it causes a paralysis in getting ANYTHING done. Decisions become harder, emotions become flat, I get irritable, and these are all danger signs for me. Having grown up in an alcoholic family, and then myself being alcoholic and riding the slide for over 20 years helped me develop a pretty dark belief system that I had to change in recovery. However, those dark thoughts pop up occassionally. I have noticed, without a doubt, that this thinking pops up when I am not practicing my recovery program.

For me, even after I put the bottle down for good, it is easy to slide back into my old way of thinking. I had to fill the vaccuum created when I put the bottle down with a new way of living, and to become vigilant in its application.

I don't spend a lot of time "thinking" anymore; it is better to spend time "doing" when it comes to my sobriety. It is in the doing where recovery is found. My thinking is what got me where I didn't want to be in the first place. I tell myself that I don't have to be a victim in this struggle, but instead, I am a "doer" thanks to this struggle. I can live a happy life in spite of what I have gone through.

I agree with what everyone has told you so far. One foot in front of the other; one day at a time.

doggonecarl

For the alcoholic, dispair holds as much allure as a drink.

Boleo

For the better part of 3 years I had the feeling that "the other shoe was about to drop". For me, it always did.

It was not until I had a spiritual awakening that I felt "this thing might just work".

artsoul

Lots of good responses...... and thanks for posting this!

I understand your feelings and the circular thinking where everything seems like crap and you just don't want to think about it anymore. I think we all have those times - even people who don't drink.

Rather than attach it all to alcohol/relapse, why not look for new answers? Maybe you're prone to depression. Maybe some counseling could help you discover what you'd like to change about your life, what you're really passionate about. Maybe you need to accept your feelings instead of resisting them, or do something (like wellwisher said) instead of just thinking about the ways things are.

If you knew you couldn't drink, what would you do? I hope you decide to take a step forward, instead of going back and repeating this all over again (usually getting worse than before). We're here for you.

CarolD

Please check your duplicate post in our Alcoholism Forum for more replies....

Dee74

As Carol says, there is a duplicate thread....

to end confusion, I direct everyone there...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...itability.html

thanks
D