anger in me--i need to calm down
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 82
anger in me--i need to calm down
i've had contact with the ex and broke the almost five months of no contact.
we accidentally ran into each other a week ago and surprisingly enough he wasn't angry toward me or dismissive. he was trying hard to be engaging. i, on the other hand--was scared and had my defenses up (i.e when he gave me a parting hug, i couldnt return it). i informed him that i am actually moving out of state in less than month (to a place we had both wanted to move to together). as we were parting, he said "you should email/text/call me some time and maybe we can grab a lunch or something". i didn't say anything in return at that time because i was just scared to open anything up with him (even though, i DO want to because i DO still care about him and would like some sort of connection salvaged with him).
so, fastforward to a week later... im in a place of strength about my moving and dont think it's going to be a big deal if i see him before leaving, and i contact him and say "hi--do you still want to grab that coffee or a lunch?" he said yes... we started exchanging information on when the best times would be for the both of us... and when i was finally putting out there this weekend... he writes "y do you want to hang out? u seemed pretty upset the other day. this doesn't make any sense. im afraid it's just going to be more of the same depressing uncomfortableness".
wtf!? why'd he even extend the invite in the first place? or at the very least why did he say "yes" when i asked if he was still up for it and start to plan it all out and then back out at the last minute???
i felt slightly like i was being manipulated again--like
1) i'd have to apologize for my feelings that made me seem "upset" when we did run into each other... he made it seem like I was "crazy" (by saying "this doesn't make any sense") for replying to his invite for coffee and trying to plan it out. wtf is going on?! it's like he's punishing me for having emotions that made him feel uncomfortable. was he seriously expecting me to be completely comfortable around him after not talking to him for five months and not knowing if he'd be angry or dismissive of me?! and
2) i'd have to make sure that when we did hang out that it wouldn't be "depressing" or "uncomfortable" (which i cant promise since we're dealing with a post-break-up meeting!)
so we ditched the plans--but i DID want to bring up what to do for these multiple holes he's punched in my walls (and left un-fixed)... so i asked him what i should do with them because i am wanting to get my deposit money back to help with my moving costs. after over 12 hours of no response and im sure angry drinking on his part, he texts me this morning saying, "send me the bill and i'll pay for half. i dont think i should pay the whole thing though since you also played a part in it". F^CK! i wasn't even home that day he was going around punching holes in MY wall! and yeah, i've been as angry as he has before but i controlled my anger and didnt punch holes in walls! i HATE that the most he can come to in taking ANY "responsibility" is "ok i'll take responsibility as long as you do". he is so messed up! it's like when an abuser punches someone and says "im sorry but you make me do this to you".
ugh ugh ugh! why did i engage?! i want to respond to something--stand up for myself somehow but i know it would just turn into a huge fight and it won't end where he'll realize that he needs to take FULL responsibility for his actions. he's seeing a therapist! i mean, don't they point this stuff out to their patients?!?!?!?!
someone please calm me down.
i HATE that in his world i am equally to blame for our demise or our fights! i will take responsibility, but they constituted maybe less than 5% of the fighting or relationship problems! UN-FREAKING-FAIR!!!
we accidentally ran into each other a week ago and surprisingly enough he wasn't angry toward me or dismissive. he was trying hard to be engaging. i, on the other hand--was scared and had my defenses up (i.e when he gave me a parting hug, i couldnt return it). i informed him that i am actually moving out of state in less than month (to a place we had both wanted to move to together). as we were parting, he said "you should email/text/call me some time and maybe we can grab a lunch or something". i didn't say anything in return at that time because i was just scared to open anything up with him (even though, i DO want to because i DO still care about him and would like some sort of connection salvaged with him).
so, fastforward to a week later... im in a place of strength about my moving and dont think it's going to be a big deal if i see him before leaving, and i contact him and say "hi--do you still want to grab that coffee or a lunch?" he said yes... we started exchanging information on when the best times would be for the both of us... and when i was finally putting out there this weekend... he writes "y do you want to hang out? u seemed pretty upset the other day. this doesn't make any sense. im afraid it's just going to be more of the same depressing uncomfortableness".
wtf!? why'd he even extend the invite in the first place? or at the very least why did he say "yes" when i asked if he was still up for it and start to plan it all out and then back out at the last minute???
i felt slightly like i was being manipulated again--like
1) i'd have to apologize for my feelings that made me seem "upset" when we did run into each other... he made it seem like I was "crazy" (by saying "this doesn't make any sense") for replying to his invite for coffee and trying to plan it out. wtf is going on?! it's like he's punishing me for having emotions that made him feel uncomfortable. was he seriously expecting me to be completely comfortable around him after not talking to him for five months and not knowing if he'd be angry or dismissive of me?! and
2) i'd have to make sure that when we did hang out that it wouldn't be "depressing" or "uncomfortable" (which i cant promise since we're dealing with a post-break-up meeting!)
so we ditched the plans--but i DID want to bring up what to do for these multiple holes he's punched in my walls (and left un-fixed)... so i asked him what i should do with them because i am wanting to get my deposit money back to help with my moving costs. after over 12 hours of no response and im sure angry drinking on his part, he texts me this morning saying, "send me the bill and i'll pay for half. i dont think i should pay the whole thing though since you also played a part in it". F^CK! i wasn't even home that day he was going around punching holes in MY wall! and yeah, i've been as angry as he has before but i controlled my anger and didnt punch holes in walls! i HATE that the most he can come to in taking ANY "responsibility" is "ok i'll take responsibility as long as you do". he is so messed up! it's like when an abuser punches someone and says "im sorry but you make me do this to you".
ugh ugh ugh! why did i engage?! i want to respond to something--stand up for myself somehow but i know it would just turn into a huge fight and it won't end where he'll realize that he needs to take FULL responsibility for his actions. he's seeing a therapist! i mean, don't they point this stuff out to their patients?!?!?!?!
someone please calm me down.
i HATE that in his world i am equally to blame for our demise or our fights! i will take responsibility, but they constituted maybe less than 5% of the fighting or relationship problems! UN-FREAKING-FAIR!!!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Deep breaths......
Again, deep breaths in, and slow exhales out.
Punch a pillow, curse at the ceiling, scream in your car - whatever it takes to let the anger out without hurting anyone else.
Again, deep breaths in, and slow exhales out.
Punch a pillow, curse at the ceiling, scream in your car - whatever it takes to let the anger out without hurting anyone else.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 82
ugh! i just remember i'm also paying a mechanic to fix a dent in my car that HE caused when he ran into a lightpost drunk driving. it's so unfair coz OBVIOUSLY this cant at all be framed on me--but i bet if i bring THAT up somehow i'll be held responsible for getting him drunk and causing him to drive and run into some stupid lightpost.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
If you hadn't run into him last week, what would you have done about the holes in your walls? You already made plans to move to another state, so you were either going to fix them and pay for the whole thing yourself in order to get back your deposit (which may or may not have been more than the cost to repair the holes), or you would have moved and left the holes and forfeited your deposit. Either way, you would have dealt with the issue without contacting him, right?
So, what has changed? You saw him, made a date to have coffee, didn't like his response when you contacted him, so you brought up the holes in the wall. You didn't like his response to that either, so now you are fuming and furious. What has this experience taught you?
Yep, it's unfair, but such is life with an alcoholic. This time, stay NO CONTACT.
So, what has changed? You saw him, made a date to have coffee, didn't like his response when you contacted him, so you brought up the holes in the wall. You didn't like his response to that either, so now you are fuming and furious. What has this experience taught you?
Yep, it's unfair, but such is life with an alcoholic. This time, stay NO CONTACT.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Do you notice that your focus is on him and not yourself?
Go easy on yourself ... this is a process. And, don't beat yourself up. Fastest way to chill out is to take a brisk walk; at least get out of the house (and your head).
Go easy on yourself ... this is a process. And, don't beat yourself up. Fastest way to chill out is to take a brisk walk; at least get out of the house (and your head).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Here's a thought that helps me when I'm dealing with paying for **** that AXH should pay for:
MONEY is not a limited commodity. There is always more money. You pay it out now, but you can save later, get a second job, get a promotion, whatever. You can always make more money to replace whatever you have to shell out right now.
TIME is the only limited commodity. So don't waste any more of that on him. On thinking about him. Or being angry at him.
MONEY is not a limited commodity. There is always more money. You pay it out now, but you can save later, get a second job, get a promotion, whatever. You can always make more money to replace whatever you have to shell out right now.
TIME is the only limited commodity. So don't waste any more of that on him. On thinking about him. Or being angry at him.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I cannot see how you could expect anything better out of him, the best indicator of the future is the past. History repeats itself.
If the holes in the wall have been there for 5 months why think he is going to do something about them now, sounds like you were looking for an excuse to keep the lines of communication open w/him. Search the net, fist size holes in the wall are not that difficult or expensive to repair.
You are allowing him to occupy too much of your brain space, refocus on you, let him go, all this nonsense is only upsetting you, he could care less.
No, life is not always fair, but it is what it is.
Take care of you, take a bubble bath, turn on some music and relax.
If the holes in the wall have been there for 5 months why think he is going to do something about them now, sounds like you were looking for an excuse to keep the lines of communication open w/him. Search the net, fist size holes in the wall are not that difficult or expensive to repair.
You are allowing him to occupy too much of your brain space, refocus on you, let him go, all this nonsense is only upsetting you, he could care less.
No, life is not always fair, but it is what it is.
Take care of you, take a bubble bath, turn on some music and relax.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Life with an A is not fair in way. It is hat it is. However, if the money to repair the car and your walls is very important to you, you can always chose to make the repairs, keep the receipts and then take him to small claims court to get reimbursed. I doubt the judge would let him get away with only paying half of the damage he did. However, I would think long and hard about that, as it would mean more contact and will definitely antagonize him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 82
yes, i had been planning on figuring out what to about the damn holes--but hadn't come up with a solution. i looked it up, and the process looked complex (and im way too busy to be adding it on my list of things to do). i couldn't just skip out because this is the best landlord i've had and will want to keep them as a future reference (as i am moving to a big city where landlord references will be very important)... my solution before running into ex was to maybe write him a letter telling him that i had left his number with the landlord to be the one to pay for the repairs, but i wasn't sure if this was going to incite anger out of him. basically, i hadn't come up with a solid plan about the holes then contact was opened up--i saw it as an opportunity to bring up the holes, i told him this idea to see if he thought it'd be ok--so that he'd have a heads up. and he responded the way he did.
im angry that he reeled me in with an invite to go out and a "id like to keep in contact" type of message when i ran into him, then when i took the bait he pulled it away and pushed me away again making me feel like i was crazy to agree to go out.
i get it's what alcoholics do---but it just pisses me off that even after five months of no contact he still plays the same game and i can still fall for it! wtf?! do they AT ALL do this knowingly?!
im angry that he reeled me in with an invite to go out and a "id like to keep in contact" type of message when i ran into him, then when i took the bait he pulled it away and pushed me away again making me feel like i was crazy to agree to go out.
i get it's what alcoholics do---but it just pisses me off that even after five months of no contact he still plays the same game and i can still fall for it! wtf?! do they AT ALL do this knowingly?!
Present
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
Posts: 1,252
forgotten, I'll give you an idea, and if it sounds good to you, then go with it; if not, then don't:
get the bill for the holes in the walls, send a copy to him, give him a PO box where he can send the half he offered to pay for, or some address of some neutral third party - just not the address where you will be living - and don't let him engage you into conversing about it any more
go easy on yourself - everyone wants to believe that things can be civil - sometimes they can, sometimes they can't - now you know for sure they can't, so protect yourself by reissuing the "no contact" agreement with yourself (if you decide to send the bill, nothing personal, just info on where to send the check) and enjoy your new home
my XAH left a broken closet door and the landlord accepted the damage deposit in lieu of extra payment.
get the bill for the holes in the walls, send a copy to him, give him a PO box where he can send the half he offered to pay for, or some address of some neutral third party - just not the address where you will be living - and don't let him engage you into conversing about it any more
go easy on yourself - everyone wants to believe that things can be civil - sometimes they can, sometimes they can't - now you know for sure they can't, so protect yourself by reissuing the "no contact" agreement with yourself (if you decide to send the bill, nothing personal, just info on where to send the check) and enjoy your new home
my XAH left a broken closet door and the landlord accepted the damage deposit in lieu of extra payment.
belac
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: anywhere I imagine
Posts: 12
I say let it go. I can almost bet that he is not even thinking about this issue. Your stewing and getting angry and upset and that committee in your head is like the energizer bunny right now. It's alot of energy and time your wasting thinking about this when you could be doing something more enjoyable. I have been where your at and it sucks. My sponsor tells me that when I am angry or upset the underlying cause is pretty much because of my actions not the other persons. She also tells me to go find a newcomer or someone to help so I get out of my head. She has been right every single time. Its hard but worth it!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 82
thanks all -
it's not really the money that is bothering me... i guess, inside, im still fighting for him to take responsibility for SOMETHING/ANYTHING... and it bothers me that even things that are undeniably his responsibility cant be fully accepted on his part. it's all still in that "she pissed me off-we fought too much" scenario in his head instead of understanding and being responsible for the why we fought too much. it annoys me because what the hell does he do with all of his time? he was a self-reflective person (my attraction to him) and he sees a therapist... but he hasn't even learned to take responsibility for holes he himself punched into a wall?!?! how can he be seeing a therapist and have NO PROGRESS whatsoever?! he sees this analyst multiple times a week! it's not a cheap process!
it's annoying that not even an OUNCE of truth gets through his addicted, defensive brain.
it's not really the money that is bothering me... i guess, inside, im still fighting for him to take responsibility for SOMETHING/ANYTHING... and it bothers me that even things that are undeniably his responsibility cant be fully accepted on his part. it's all still in that "she pissed me off-we fought too much" scenario in his head instead of understanding and being responsible for the why we fought too much. it annoys me because what the hell does he do with all of his time? he was a self-reflective person (my attraction to him) and he sees a therapist... but he hasn't even learned to take responsibility for holes he himself punched into a wall?!?! how can he be seeing a therapist and have NO PROGRESS whatsoever?! he sees this analyst multiple times a week! it's not a cheap process!
it's annoying that not even an OUNCE of truth gets through his addicted, defensive brain.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
I totally agree with letting it go. If you send him a bill for half, then you'll be awaiting a response and if you don't get one, you'll get angry all over again. The guy has rented space for too long in your head. Allow yourself to be angry for a while, then let it go. It will be healthier for you in the long run.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I don't mean to minimize your anger...
I'm sure its not just about the holes or the money it will cost to repair them. I"m sure it's about his inability or refusal to take responsibility for the damage he has done.
If he was capable of doing those things he wouldn't be an 'ex'.
Be glad you don't have kids with him or other life-long ties.
You can cut the cord and leave him behind...completely behind...no strings attached.
That is a gift. Trust me.
I'm excited for you...a big, exciting move to a place you've always wanted to go.
A bright, new road stretches before you.
leave the shadows of the past where they belong...in the rear view mirror!!
Hugs.....
I'm sure its not just about the holes or the money it will cost to repair them. I"m sure it's about his inability or refusal to take responsibility for the damage he has done.
If he was capable of doing those things he wouldn't be an 'ex'.
Be glad you don't have kids with him or other life-long ties.
You can cut the cord and leave him behind...completely behind...no strings attached.
That is a gift. Trust me.
I'm excited for you...a big, exciting move to a place you've always wanted to go.
A bright, new road stretches before you.
leave the shadows of the past where they belong...in the rear view mirror!!
Hugs.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 152
Aww forgotten1, I'm sorry you're so pissed. And I know how it sucks to not ever see the A's take responsibility for anything....EVER. But it just isn't even worth it to engage anymore. Because the bottom line is that they are DELUSIONAL and will never GET where we are coming from (even if it is the most cut and dry thing in the universe like your case with the holes).
Eff him. You're moving to a new place and getting to finally live out your plans (with or without dumb A***hole)! That's so exciting! Maybe try putting your extra energy and anger into positive passion for the move!
Eff him. You're moving to a new place and getting to finally live out your plans (with or without dumb A***hole)! That's so exciting! Maybe try putting your extra energy and anger into positive passion for the move!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 82
ok, so the anger is subsiding a LITTLE... but i need some validation or clarity from the SR community.
now that anger is leaving... his words are creeping in and i find myself feeling guilt and shame... and questioning MAYBE he "is" slightly right... that the holes in my walls ARE half my fault. are they? i mean i "did" make him mad enough to punch those walls... right?
does he have any validity and claiming i am half responsible for those holes? ugh anger has fried my brain and im all confused again... i think this is the same thought pattern i'd have with him... i'd get so angry then exhausted... and my brain would be so tired i'd just give in and think his logic is somewhat right.
now that anger is leaving... his words are creeping in and i find myself feeling guilt and shame... and questioning MAYBE he "is" slightly right... that the holes in my walls ARE half my fault. are they? i mean i "did" make him mad enough to punch those walls... right?
does he have any validity and claiming i am half responsible for those holes? ugh anger has fried my brain and im all confused again... i think this is the same thought pattern i'd have with him... i'd get so angry then exhausted... and my brain would be so tired i'd just give in and think his logic is somewhat right.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Originally Posted by forgotten1 
ok, so the anger is subsiding a LITTLE... but i need some validation or clarity from the SR community.
now that anger is leaving... his words are creeping in and i find myself feeling guilt and shame... and questioning MAYBE he "is" slightly right... that the holes in my walls ARE half my fault. are they? i mean i "did" make him mad enough to punch those walls... right?
does he have any validity and claiming i am half responsible for those holes? ugh anger has fried my brain and im all confused again... i think this is the same thought pattern i'd have with him... i'd get so angry then exhausted... and my brain would be so tired i'd just give in and think his logic is somewhat right.
now that anger is leaving... his words are creeping in and i find myself feeling guilt and shame... and questioning MAYBE he "is" slightly right... that the holes in my walls ARE half my fault. are they? i mean i "did" make him mad enough to punch those walls... right?
does he have any validity and claiming i am half responsible for those holes? ugh anger has fried my brain and im all confused again... i think this is the same thought pattern i'd have with him... i'd get so angry then exhausted... and my brain would be so tired i'd just give in and think his logic is somewhat right.
He has killed his brain cells and just has no ability to see things with any type of clarity.
About the therapist: In my advanced psychology courses, one after the other, we've learned that the therapist usually does not give the conclusion to the patient, rather the therapist lets the patient arrive at the proper responses in their own time. It sounds as if your ex will be spending a whole lot of dollars at his therapist's office. It's going to take him a very long time to 'get it', if ever. And thank goodness that is no longer your problem!
Last edited by skippernlilg; 06-04-2011 at 06:46 PM. Reason: typo
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
NO, he is not right, he is deflecting, that is what they do, they try and take the spotlight off of them, and shine it on someone else, thus they accept no responsibility.
Again, let it go, think about something else...like your new life...
Again, let it go, think about something else...like your new life...
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by forgotten1
thanks all -
it's not really the money that is bothering me... i guess, inside, im still fighting for him to take responsibility for SOMETHING/ANYTHING... and it bothers me that even things that are undeniably his responsibility cant be fully accepted on his part. it's all still in that "she pissed me off-we fought too much" scenario in his head instead of understanding and being responsible for the why we fought too much. it annoys me because what the hell does he do with all of his time? he was a self-reflective person (my attraction to him) and he sees a therapist... but he hasn't even learned to take responsibility for holes he himself punched into a wall?!?! how can he be seeing a therapist and have NO PROGRESS whatsoever?! he sees this analyst multiple times a week! it's not a cheap process!
it's annoying that not even an OUNCE of truth gets through his addicted, defensive brain.
it's not really the money that is bothering me... i guess, inside, im still fighting for him to take responsibility for SOMETHING/ANYTHING... and it bothers me that even things that are undeniably his responsibility cant be fully accepted on his part. it's all still in that "she pissed me off-we fought too much" scenario in his head instead of understanding and being responsible for the why we fought too much. it annoys me because what the hell does he do with all of his time? he was a self-reflective person (my attraction to him) and he sees a therapist... but he hasn't even learned to take responsibility for holes he himself punched into a wall?!?! how can he be seeing a therapist and have NO PROGRESS whatsoever?! he sees this analyst multiple times a week! it's not a cheap process!
it's annoying that not even an OUNCE of truth gets through his addicted, defensive brain.
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