Relapse and shame
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 15
Relapse and shame
I drank last night. I get a week or two of sobriety under my belt and then I drink. I feel so much shame about this and letting down people in AA who want the best for me. There was an old timer at a meeting that said he wanted to give me a good kick, after I admitted to drinking one night. Now he's really going give it to me.
My sober days are not consecutive, but for me they are huge since I have been drinking for almost 30 years and half of those pretty heavily.
As a person new to AA and recovery I feel like a hypocrite because I share clarity and wisdom when I'm doing well...and then slip.
I DO have the desire to stop drinking. And I feel like I am making progress, but to go to meetings and take a white chip makes me feel like it focuses on my slip and not the days that I have NOT taken a drink and keep going to meetings. I was at a meeting and a woman was told by another...I hope you make it your last white chip, with a stern voice. That seems counter to what AA is truly about.
I have a sponsor who appears too busy to be a sponsor...I have names of other women sponsors who come highly recommended that I plan to call. Anyway, don't know what else to say. I want to continue to go to meetings, work the BB, get a new sponsor, work the Steps....but I don't want to take the white chip and feel any more crappy than I already do...does this make sense? And I know most in AA are compassionate but others DO judge. We are human after all.
My sober days are not consecutive, but for me they are huge since I have been drinking for almost 30 years and half of those pretty heavily.
As a person new to AA and recovery I feel like a hypocrite because I share clarity and wisdom when I'm doing well...and then slip.
I DO have the desire to stop drinking. And I feel like I am making progress, but to go to meetings and take a white chip makes me feel like it focuses on my slip and not the days that I have NOT taken a drink and keep going to meetings. I was at a meeting and a woman was told by another...I hope you make it your last white chip, with a stern voice. That seems counter to what AA is truly about.
I have a sponsor who appears too busy to be a sponsor...I have names of other women sponsors who come highly recommended that I plan to call. Anyway, don't know what else to say. I want to continue to go to meetings, work the BB, get a new sponsor, work the Steps....but I don't want to take the white chip and feel any more crappy than I already do...does this make sense? And I know most in AA are compassionate but others DO judge. We are human after all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
No one said you had to be sober to be in AA -just the desire to quit drinking. It does seem like an oxymoron but that's what AA is there for.
Keep going and keep trying. After 30 years of drinking I finally did.
Keep going and keep trying. After 30 years of drinking I finally did.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 200
Irish,
yes, you slipped...but that does not mean you have failed. I found that I cannot compare myself to anyone but me. Think about personal bests in sobriety. When the trend line of drinking is less on average than a similar time period a month or year ago, it is a move in the right direction. If a climb out of a canyon results in a slip or tumble, it doesn't necessarily land us all the way back at the bottom if we don't let it.
keep the longer trend alive. I know that my views may be seen as controversial, with some saying I am setting up excuses for future relapses, but I see it as my body does...a slow climb out. Two steps forward, one step back.....now get up....
yes, you slipped...but that does not mean you have failed. I found that I cannot compare myself to anyone but me. Think about personal bests in sobriety. When the trend line of drinking is less on average than a similar time period a month or year ago, it is a move in the right direction. If a climb out of a canyon results in a slip or tumble, it doesn't necessarily land us all the way back at the bottom if we don't let it.
keep the longer trend alive. I know that my views may be seen as controversial, with some saying I am setting up excuses for future relapses, but I see it as my body does...a slow climb out. Two steps forward, one step back.....now get up....
Life the gift of recovery!
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Home is where the heart is
Posts: 7,061
Sometimes those that come across the harshest are the ones who care about a person enough to say what they feel. I know from experience people have said things to me that they intended to be constructive criticism but it came across to me as a very negative statement. I don't know if that makes sense.
Personally, I hate to see anyone go back out or relapse. I know that the program works for me and a big part of me wants everyone to have sobriety as well. To watch someone repeatedly go back out is not only disappointing to me but scary as I know I am not immune to it. It is a reminder that I am only one step away from a drink if I do not apply the Steps and Principles in my life daily.
I encourage you to get someone to show you the Steps and teach you how to apply them in your life. The Steps are the core of the program and they are what keeps a person sober. At least that is my experience and opinion.
Take care, I do hope this time things work out for you and you are able to find the sobriety you so desperately seek.
Personally, I hate to see anyone go back out or relapse. I know that the program works for me and a big part of me wants everyone to have sobriety as well. To watch someone repeatedly go back out is not only disappointing to me but scary as I know I am not immune to it. It is a reminder that I am only one step away from a drink if I do not apply the Steps and Principles in my life daily.
I encourage you to get someone to show you the Steps and teach you how to apply them in your life. The Steps are the core of the program and they are what keeps a person sober. At least that is my experience and opinion.
Take care, I do hope this time things work out for you and you are able to find the sobriety you so desperately seek.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 545
I am no longer am active in AA, I have found other sobriety programs that I integrate certain AA principles in. However when I was, I had 3 slips over the course of 2 years. And like you I felt taking another white chip just emphasized the slip and not the sober days, which far outweighed the slip day.
I did not take another white chip. I know how it was in my group....it was "the walk of shame" and you really got chastised by other members. I felt the only person that needed to know was my sponsor. I internally reset my Day 1 again, but didn't feel the need to share.
I did not take another white chip. I know how it was in my group....it was "the walk of shame" and you really got chastised by other members. I felt the only person that needed to know was my sponsor. I internally reset my Day 1 again, but didn't feel the need to share.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Well of course you will see it as a failure...it is, you decided not to drink and ended up drinking BUT you are not in a sound state of mind which is where you will hear the word insanity banded about in the rooms, insanity means of not sound mind...it's insane behaviour so isn't a rational decision anyway...remember that when you are beating yourself up...
The solution is to work the steps of AA to be restored to sanity, then recover from alcoholism...so you are in the right place and you know that you need to ring other women to find someone who will take you through the steps as quickly as possible and to the best of your ability, you have to really want to do this and be willing to do whatever at the same time though...
As for AA you are in a rooms full of drunks, some are recovered and some are not...get that sponsor, who has worked the steps to a spiritual awakening themselves and be guided by what they say when you run the various things you are going to hear and be told in AA along the way...just to make sure that you listen to the right people...
You do have to be careful of judging anything that is said to you at the moment, hypersensitivity is common amongst us and, like has been said, you might find that the lady who made the comment to you in a stern manner might be the one who stands with you throughout this...or could be a raving loony lol like i said be guided by your, soon to be found, sponsor!
As for chips...i have never taken one...not my thing but a lot of people find them useful:-)
The solution is to work the steps of AA to be restored to sanity, then recover from alcoholism...so you are in the right place and you know that you need to ring other women to find someone who will take you through the steps as quickly as possible and to the best of your ability, you have to really want to do this and be willing to do whatever at the same time though...
As for AA you are in a rooms full of drunks, some are recovered and some are not...get that sponsor, who has worked the steps to a spiritual awakening themselves and be guided by what they say when you run the various things you are going to hear and be told in AA along the way...just to make sure that you listen to the right people...
You do have to be careful of judging anything that is said to you at the moment, hypersensitivity is common amongst us and, like has been said, you might find that the lady who made the comment to you in a stern manner might be the one who stands with you throughout this...or could be a raving loony lol like i said be guided by your, soon to be found, sponsor!
As for chips...i have never taken one...not my thing but a lot of people find them useful:-)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 51
Sorry to hear about your slip IrishColleen....
I've slipped many times and am back on day 5 today. I'm also from Ireland and it's a difficult place to give it up since so much social activities revolve around drink. Hell, even most work outting involve alcohol - not like when I worked in the US and there were alcohol free picnics, sports days, etc.
Anyway, why not join the "Class of June 2011"? It's very early in the month and you might even be more proud of your days than normal as more people join and you know you're a few days ahead of them and are afraid to slip back.
I've slipped many times and am back on day 5 today. I'm also from Ireland and it's a difficult place to give it up since so much social activities revolve around drink. Hell, even most work outting involve alcohol - not like when I worked in the US and there were alcohol free picnics, sports days, etc.
Anyway, why not join the "Class of June 2011"? It's very early in the month and you might even be more proud of your days than normal as more people join and you know you're a few days ahead of them and are afraid to slip back.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
I'm sorry to hear about your slip too Colleen, but I know it's hard to change our lives.
I think nearly everyones been there.
You're already alluding to things you've got to change, which I think is good - look at whats not working in your recovery - but even more importantly think about the things you can add, right now, to what you've been doing
I really think we get out of this what we put in
You can do this
D
I think nearly everyones been there.
You're already alluding to things you've got to change, which I think is good - look at whats not working in your recovery - but even more importantly think about the things you can add, right now, to what you've been doing
I really think we get out of this what we put in
You can do this
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
IrishColleen,
Individuals who are suffering from untreated alcoholism -- drink. That is what they do. That is what the first step of AA is all about. Powerlessness. If I drink, I lack control over the amount that I drink. If I swear off, I end up going back to drinking.
There is no shame in being an alcoholic and in drinking. If there is any shame, it lies in not treating your alcoholism. You can't help it that you are alcoholic. But you are entirely responsible for taking the actions that will lead you to recovery.
In my opinion, it is no one's business that you relapsed. That is between you and your sponsor or a trusted AA friend. Who made up the rule in AA that a "walk of shame" or a "public tour of confession" is necessary or appropriate?
If folks feel so much shame about picking up a white chip, they may decide not to return to AA at all. That defeats the entire purpose of an AA meeting and the AA program. It's your meeting, go to it drunk or sober.
My advice to you: confide your relapse in a sponsor or trusted AA friend (because I think it is important to have accountability and honesty). Find a sponsor who works the steps directly from the Big Book. Give yourself completely to the simple program of AA.
Susan
Individuals who are suffering from untreated alcoholism -- drink. That is what they do. That is what the first step of AA is all about. Powerlessness. If I drink, I lack control over the amount that I drink. If I swear off, I end up going back to drinking.
There is no shame in being an alcoholic and in drinking. If there is any shame, it lies in not treating your alcoholism. You can't help it that you are alcoholic. But you are entirely responsible for taking the actions that will lead you to recovery.
In my opinion, it is no one's business that you relapsed. That is between you and your sponsor or a trusted AA friend. Who made up the rule in AA that a "walk of shame" or a "public tour of confession" is necessary or appropriate?
If folks feel so much shame about picking up a white chip, they may decide not to return to AA at all. That defeats the entire purpose of an AA meeting and the AA program. It's your meeting, go to it drunk or sober.
My advice to you: confide your relapse in a sponsor or trusted AA friend (because I think it is important to have accountability and honesty). Find a sponsor who works the steps directly from the Big Book. Give yourself completely to the simple program of AA.
Susan
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