lightseeker

okay....so it has been 1 week and 2 days since I have moved. It's been an up and down time but mostly I have done "okay". I'm still really sad and just feel like the demise of my marriage was such a waste....but also am feeling a whole lot of relief.

I forced myself to go out tonight to a reunion of people from my junior high. I almost didn't go but knew that isolating wasn't going to be good for me. I had a happy and fun time - actually enjoyed myself. It felt good. I was really surprised.

I got weirded out because someone asked me for my number. I had not even thought about that ever happening. I have felt so all alone and ignored during my marriage and maybe it was just HP's reminder that hey.....life can be different someday.

I'm a WAY LONG WAY from wanting to go out with anyone or anything like that. My only focus right now is on settling in and my boys. But it felt nice to be out and engaged with people........

I'm so glad that my painting is done - now it's tons of boxes to unpack. The roach man came yesterday and hopefully the bugs are gone now.

A week ago I felt like a 1 day old giraffe.....now I feel like one that is 2 days old....progress!

Abundance

Thank you for the update. Been thinking about you. So weird... very shortly after my split - I too went to my Jr. High Reunion.

It's so much nicer going out to events without the worried mind of - what is he doing? Why isn't he here? OMG - I hope people don't pick up on his weird energy (if he did go).

My friends and family commented to me how nice it is to see me relax and not be so on guard and in his space. Here I thought I was cool and able to hide my anxiousness. IDK - Donna - it's just such a better place.

Yay for 2 days old!!!!!



It gets easier...

and easier.

xoxo

newnormal4me

Sounds like you are headed in a good direction. Making these types of decisions is hard...and settling in is hard. You are doing good so far. Just keep plugging away and putting one foot in front of the other.

Too funny about the reunion. Have never heard of such a thing as a junior high reunion. Anyway, glad you had a good time!

laurie6781

Awwww (((((lightseeker)))). Please know that with the 'demise' of any marriage, for whatever reason, there is a time of 'grieving.' It really is like a death, and thus we do go through the different stages of grief.

However, you seem to be growing every time you post.

No, you probably are not ready to 'date' lol, but doesn't it feel good to find out that you are still 'interesting' to others? It sure can perk one up when that happens.

You just keeping doing what you are doing for you and your children and you will be amazed at how much more peaceful and seren you will become.

Love and hugs,

dollydo

Thanks for the update. I also went through a grieving process, then I got mad, d@mn I just wasted 6 years of my life with this jerk, then I dusted myself off and went forward with my life, happy as a lark.

It is nice to know that your life can be different, isn't it?

You hold the key to your future in the palm of your hand, when one door closes another one opens, you are now walking through the new door, keep moving forward.

lightseeker

thank you so much everyone.....my life with my husband already feels distant. I live "here" now and have not really missed my home that much. Maybe the unhappiness just colored the good aspects of the house?

Did any of you that have gone through this deal with feelings of guilt? I'm assuming that this is my tried and true codie aspect showing up. I feel guilt over hurting him, not being able to make this work, not being willing to give it another shot, his intermittant anguish, the worry over whether he will relapse, what will happen to him, how that will make me feel, etc. I GET IT.....all primo gradeA codie feelings and issues. I know what to do with it on a cognitive level but the feeling level tugs so at me. I can't stand to hurt anyone - even if it means that I suffer. Ta daaa........there you have it! I am doing something different although on a cellular level it feels pretty foreign to me. In the past, this is when I would have been saying "maybe this time he really means it, it wasn't THAT bad, maybe if I did this or that it would be different, maybe this is his wake up call, maybe just give it one more chance". Fortunately, the recovery side has grown a bit stronger than my codie side although it definitely is making itself known.

I feel like I am honoring the fact that I've endured more than I should have and that in my heart I know that I gave him every single opportunity to work on our relationship. I realize that I should have set my bottom line a really long time ago but I am forgiving of myself that it took what it took for me.

I return back to the thought of how senseless and tragic addiction is and what it does to a person's brain. The personality traits that led my husband into his addiction remained even after he was sober and those are what ultimately destroyed our relationship. His addict brain told him that being sober was "good enough". In a way, I feel like what I am hearing from him now are the wails of the part of him that isn't eaten up by the addict. It is probably a combination though of that and the addict - who wants the soft spot he had going for him.

It's amazing how hard it all works to suck me back in and how concious I have to be to remain on track. Each day I am developing a deep appreciation of what it must be like to have your brain ensconced with addiction to a substance. The amount of "squirrelling" that attempts to figure out another way to keep it going, do it differently this time so that things can work out. Never have I been so aware of the addictive nature of my own issues. I see it, I recognize it, and I definitely feel it. I'm sure that my allure for my husband confuses those that care for me as much as his allure for his addictions have confused me. "How can you do this, want this, when it is clearly so bad for you and could kill you?"

But what I know now is to just hang on tight, seek support, go to meetings, do the next right thing, tell on myself (which is what I am doing here) and keep the faith. I have set up enough road blocks that I cannot go back/will not go back which is what I knew that I needed to do. It is the exact same process that I know so well in regards to what an addict needs to do to stop. What a mirror image this whole thing is to me. I'm understanding too that just because I have "clean time" doesn't mean that I can ever stop working my program. I want to stay awake and want it badly enough that I am going to do what it takes this time.

Living life the other way was too painful and I can see that it was costing me everything. I realize that I have droned on here but it has helped me to play the tape on through. Gosh....once again....thanks for being here everyone and loving me through this.....

laurie6781

For me, I had to do it on paper with pen or pencil.

I made two columns.

In Column 1 I listed each item I felt guilty about.

In Column 2, I took a look at each individual item to see if that guilt was a CONSEQUENCE of the A's actions or my actions.

It was amazing when I got done and could see in black and white that about 99% of those 'guilt feelings' of mine were really about things that were the A's consequences for the A's actions, including that I just had no more to give, he had BURNED me out.

Maybe that would help you also.

Love and hugs,

lightseeker

Laurie,

that was so wise. I'm pulling out a piece of paper right now. Thanks!

laurie6781

Lightseeker, thank you, but the thanks really go to both my AA sponsor and my 'double winner' AlAnon sponsor, both of which are at the big meeting in the sky now.

They both had me doing 'different' writings exercises for different feelings.

Somehow, when I see things in 'black and white' on paper, it calms that committee in my head and gives me a much clearer perspective.

Love and hugs,

lightseeker

I just went and did the list and you were right - all the things that I was feeling guilty about were not things that I had a hand in. It reminded me of when I worked my 8th and 9th steps. I thought that I had this whole huge list of people that I had done wrong and the main person that I had hurt was myself.

I can feel my "pourous ego" just absorbing guilt and responsibility for things that are beyond my control. It's pretty self centered and egocentric of me to take that sort of blame. It actually deflects me from the more difficult task for me - which is to focus on how my actions have harmed me. It's starting to appear a little bit like misplaced guilt....I am the one that I have hurt by this relationship....my husband has hurt himself...and there you go. It's interesting that on some level that I have/am perceiving self care as guilt. I am working on acceptance here - that I DO have the right to be happy, joyous, and free of abuse. Those are things that I have the right to have even if it causes another person to be unhappy and discontent.

I know that I must appear dimwitted to anyone that is reading this. I know that I feel the most sane right now when I am on SR or at a meeting so it's probably a great idea to stick close by.

Laurie, I was surprised how quickly that exercise got me out of stinkin' thinkin' and into a place of more clarity. Another example of the wonderful saying "my mind is a dangerous neighborhood to go into alone". I feel a lot more even keeled now.

Going to dinner over to a friend's home that has reached out. Thanks again for the insight and help.

greeteachday

((((Donna)))) I'm really glad that exercise helped you find some clarity. When I read your post, I see someone who has been hurting and in the process of healing - a wonderful thing, not someone "dimwitted" Don't ever forget how much your posts help others too...I so appreciate your honest insight.

You have lived for quite sometime with emotional abuse, not just with addiction. I don't know if addiction brought on the behavior or if it was always there anyway, but I don't think it matters. I am no expert, but I suspect that many of those guilt feelings are not just as a result of codependency, but also as a result of the emotional abuse you have been enduring. It eats away at who you are and robs you of a sense of self.

I'm so glad you are working hard to focus on what you need to heal. Keep posting and going to meetings and I hope you can find (or already have) a good counselor who can help with the emotional abuse side of things. The impact of such abuse is harder to see with the naked eye than physical abuse, but no less damaging, so please let yourself heal

lightseeker

Greet,

thank you so much. I've been working with a wonderful counselor for a while that definitely gets it. She was the first to identify what I was going through as domestic violence - and that was 4 years ago. I think that I got terribly caught in the abuse cycle and definitely fell into the Stockholm Syndrome type of thing. My husband played me with delicate attention and awareness of when I had had enough and was about to leave....then would weave me back in with promises and charm. My awareness regarding domestic violence (ie emotional and verbal abuse) has grown exponentially. I feel a real calling to raise awareness regarding this cause and hope that I can put a face on this issue - at least in my community. I am about the last person that most people would ever suspect would be in or tolerate an abusive situation.....which makes it even more important to speak up about this issue. It is a situation that I think is more prevelant than most of us realize. I didn't even know that was what was going on and I remember my complete shock when my counselor identified it as such.

I think that you are right. I have been with a man with addiction issues who also has abuse issues. The addiction issues did not make him abusive - it was already in his personality. There is no doubt that there was domestic violence in his home growing up - interestingly enough - it was his mother that was abusive. His father sucked down alcohol to deal with it. He learned it all from a master.

I'm grateful that my work in recovery is also able to help me with the abuse issues. Undergoing verbal/emotional slowly drips drips drips away at your essence.

XXOO Donna

pacificsunrise

Donna,

thank you so much for your posts. they help so much to those of us who are going through similar issues.

i too spend a lot of time feeling guilty, especially about my husband not seeing the children (almost 3 months now). also his texts spelling it out as my "fault" do not help not one bit. like you, i think that i have been trained for way too long on how to feel guilty for even the things that i have nothing to do with. it actually started probably from my parents.

on the other hand i want to congratulate you on your bravery. you have been doing really good for everything being so fresh. i am very proud of you. your journey has been an inspiration for me. i want you to know that you are a great person and deserve all the happiness that is beginning to happen for you.

thank you so much. you are in my prayers.

lightseeker

Pacificsunrise,

thank you so much for your post. I can't imagine any of my posts helping anyone but me - just to get this stuff out of my head - but I'm grateful if it has.

One of the reasons that I want to share my story is because my shame kept me locked into my situation for so long. Shame for chosing what I did in the first place and then shame for staying in a situation that was so toxic for me. I want anyone to know that they are not alone and if they reach out the way is made clear.

For so long (as all of you know) I had my litany of lame excuses for staying. But, what really helped is that I began to work my steps. I made a list of all of the unmanageable aspects of my life and slowly began to work on them. One of the things that was unmanageable in my life was my finances. By doing a step one on that I began to take the steps to get that right and that ultimately is what allowed me to be able to move out. I had to do it on my time table.....and I really really appreciate the gentle questioning and the overwhelming support from my family at SR.

I am surprised at some of my struggles and the variety of emotions that I am experiencing with this move. Some parts have been easier (leaving my home) and some have been tougher (fears about being alone in the future and not having a partner) than I expected. I recognize that I really really want someone to love me and cherish me....I wanted that so bad that I even accepted a person to just be in the same house with me and I guess I tried to pretend that I had the love and cherish part. I get how unhealthy that thought pattern is for me and recognise it as something that I have a whole lot more work to do to heal. I know that the answer lies within myself....loving and cherishing myself and having that relationship with my HP and not a man. THAT scenario has been my DOC and I've definitely felt the withdrawal from it.

Facing that (and saying it outloud) is very humbling. I want to be perceived as more together than that, more self-confident, wiser, and independent. At least I have my trail head of where to be healing and growing. I see admitting that as weak and feeble but get it that I can't heal it until I say it/know it. I never wanted to be one of "those women" who that desparately wanted a man to validate her. Maybe it comes from my parents splitting up when I was little or WHATEVER....who cares....now it is just something that I want to heal.

I can tell I have a long ways to go and my intention is to keep my friendships with any men emotionally sober/friendship level until I have been able to take care of this part of me that wants validation and love from a man. It's like I can have all the love and validation from others but unless it comes from a man that I "care" about it doesn't "count".....but I ALWAYS chose men that ultimately can't give that.

I sound like such a nut job and I apologize....I just want to get better and be free from these bonds of my self/ego/past that I am just going to do whatever it takes. Thanks for letting me take this walk with all of you holding my hand. I know that I can not do it alone.

Donna

catlovermi

I don't think you sound like a nut job at all, but rather someone experiencing the watershed of learning how to take a good, reality-based look at her life and start small steps toward healthy goals.

It takes a lot of strength and courage to make changes - you are exhibiting this. Don't confuse the ambivalence and fear and confusion you FEEL with the strength and growth and courage that you are LIVING. At first, there is dys-synchrony, but later in the progress, you will get to synchrony. Lack of synchrony in the beginning is not failure, it is part of the process of re-arranging your reality toward a healthier track!

Here's a pat on the back for your progress!

CLMI

MissTara

I am so glad to hear that things are getting better for you. I understand how you feel about not wanting to get out and socialize. But I am glad you got out and had fun!

You said....."A week ago I felt like a 1 day old giraffe.....now I feel like one that is 2 days old....progress!"

I say.......Progress not perfection!

outonalimb

(((((((donna))))))

you sure have a gift when it comes to expressing your thoughts and feelings. Your posts mirror so much of what I have felt at various times that sometimes its downright scary. Have you been following me around for the last 6 years or what???

It might feel like your taking baby steps but from where I stand, you've taken huge leaps and bounds over the last several months. My Gosh...just LOOK at where you are...you identified an unhealthy situation and you actually DID SOMETHING about it. You took a major step towards improving your life. You need to pat yourself on the back. Maybe make a list of all the steps you have taken to effectuate change in your life...and add to it as the months progress...because you have shown great courage and self-awareness and you should really be so proud. There's absolutely NO PLACE for shame in this equation. No room at all!!

You and I have been walking the path together for a long time... We joined SR within months of each other. We've both grown alot and we've both suffered setbacks and relapses but we're still chugging away...still working so hard to love ourselves and put ourselves back on track.

Don't you dare beat yourself up Donna!! I'll have to come over there with my codie stick or a pair of steel toed slippers and you dont' want that to happen, do ya??


No....you don't!!
So...now...
walk with your head up and your shoulders back...
and work on brining a little swagger back into your step because you are on the right path and I have a feeling NOTHING is going to stop you this time. And I know for a fact that NOTHING is going to stop me. So hooray for us! Let's put the whipping sticks down and celebrate!!

Time4Me1

Lightseeker
I too have to heal the part of me that needs to be validated and needed by a man...and yet choose ones that are inherantly incapable of being reliable....kind of strange how that works!!!!! I really love coming here and healing with all of you!!

fromdallas

Lightseeker- you are helping me through some scary times. thank you so much for your words- you have no idea. Keep posting and ill keep stalking ahaha

lightseeker

honey....you stalk on if it helps. I know that it helps me so much to post and get insight from all of you.

Tonight I looked in the mirror and recognized myself for the 1st time in the last 4 years. I've not recognized the woman that has looked back at me for so long - I got so I would barely glance in the mirror because I couldn't stand to see what was happening. It really surprised me though - to actually be able to look and not look away tonight.

There are so many small and simple things......I'm surprised that I am able to laugh and smile at all even though there are times that I feel all squirrelly. I haven't seen my husband in almost 2 weeks and that has really helped a whole lot. One thing that I've learned is that my choices really do affect my serenity. If I talk to him/interact with him even on email.....it really makes a impact - in the negative direction. If he is sad and pleading it really throws me and if he is angry I feel blown away. Thus....the limits that I have in place. We do have to talk some about the house but that is all.

The more that I keep my head and my feet in the same place the better that I do too. I just can't go into the future. I realize that doing that only limits me and confines me. I'm just going to trust HP to help me get healed at the right pace. I really want to get to the point where this new life feels comfortable and normal. Nothing has felt normal for a really long time.

Thanks ya'll for the continued support.