"Almost" an alcoholic?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
"Almost" an alcoholic?
Hi, I'm sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place or if this is even the wrong website for me to be at. I'm new and trying to figure things out. I found this site because my therapist told me to google information about alcoholism and AA. I was describing some issues I feel I have with alcohol to her. I know I am a problem drinker and that drinking has become my way to cope and that I want to be happy and healthy and change a lot of things about my life, including the way I use alcohol. She said she doesn't feel I'm an alcoholic but that it could go that way if I keep down this path. Is there such a thing as "almost" an alcoholic? She said she recommends I either stop drinking or I limit what I drink to a drink or two when I go out or when I'm at social or work events. I believe the second way is best for me, so, am I allowed to be posting here or not, is it only for people who want to never drink again? She said I should look into the concepts of AA and see if any of it resonates and could work for me. I am not sure where to start. I looked at the twelve steps. The first requirement is a desire not to drink so I'm not sure why she told me to look into it but also that I don't need to totally stop drinking. I'm rather confused and wish I could ask her but that was my last session with her because she moved away. :-( So I am here looking for advice and support. BTW I am a 30 year old woman. Thanks for reading and sorry if I'm not supposed to be here!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
It's good that you are asking yourself some questions right now. If you feel you COULD moderate - i.e, limiting yourself to a couple of drinks when you go out, then give it a try, and set yourself a time scale - 6 months, for instance. Normal drinkers can do that without having to stress about it. If you find you can't stick to it and are having problems with moderation, then it's time the alarm bells should start to ring for you.
Most people who drink to cope find that it can get out of hand before you know it. Look into why you feel the need to do that and how you would feel coping without drink. A lot of problems with anxiety/depression are made worse with alcohol. I've been sober for 45 days now, and finding my life a lot more manageable. The issues I had that caused me to drink haven't gone away as if by magic, but I'm finding it much easier to deal with them with a clear head. Good luck!
Most people who drink to cope find that it can get out of hand before you know it. Look into why you feel the need to do that and how you would feel coping without drink. A lot of problems with anxiety/depression are made worse with alcohol. I've been sober for 45 days now, and finding my life a lot more manageable. The issues I had that caused me to drink haven't gone away as if by magic, but I'm finding it much easier to deal with them with a clear head. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
Pigtails, I wrote the following on another forum (Step One) and I am pasting it here because I think it might help you sort out some of the questions you have.
Maybe the best place to start is with the question: "Are you an alcoholic?" "Or are you a heavy drinker or a problem drinker?" Not everyone who seeks help in Alcoholics Anonymous is alcoholic. One can be a heavy drinker or a problem drinker but not be an alcoholic. Next question: "What is the difference between an alcoholic and a heavy drinker or a problem drinker?" The short answer: a heavy drinker or a problem drinker can stop drinking on their own if given sufficient reason to stop. An alcoholic cannot.
If you can stop drinking on your own, and stay stopped, there is really no reason for you to go to AA, or to find any program of recovery whatsoever, for that matter.
Alcoholism 101. Alcoholism is an illness of body, mind and spirit. An alcoholic has two characteristics: "If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic." p. 44 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (1st Ed.)
Real life application of loss of control: I am an alcoholic. If I drink, I cannot control the amount I drink on any given occasion. I may have one drink, but it is much more likely that I will lose all control and drink into a binge. I cannot guarantee every single time that I will have a set number of drinks. After I have lost all control, I am full of shame, guilt and remorse, not to mention having a host of negative consequences.
The reason I lose control over my drinking is because alcohol triggers a physical craving or allergy (i.e., an abnormal reaction). My body does not process alcohol in the same way that normal drinkers process alcohol. "We believe and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker." p. xxvi of the Doctor's Opinion, BB of AA 1st Ed.
Real life application of loss of choice: I am an alcoholic. If I stop drinking (i.e., swear off drinking after an especially bad binge), I cannot stay stopped. I will return to drinking despite my knowledge of alcoholism as a disease, despite my knowledge of myself as an alcoholic, despite my attempts to exercise my willpower, despite all of the negative consequences that have occurred as a result of my last drinking binge.
The reason I lose choice in drinking is because my thinking leads me back to picking up that next first drink. I have these "peculiar mental twists", "mental blank spots" and at times just "plain insane ideas". There is a mental obsession aspect to alcoholism. At times it is a pitched battle raging in my mind. But usually is is so subtle that I don't even realize it is happening to me. It is that quiet whisper. "This time will be different."
Additional examples: "I haven't had a drink for x amount of time, surely such a long period of abstinence enables me to drink like other people." Deliberate decision: "F... it. I just don't care anymore." No defense raised: I have no thought at all, it's the perfect end to a perfect day, no cloud on the horizon, and wouldn't a glass of wine with dinner be nice. I order that glass of wine and I am off on a binge. Plain insanity: "If I buy a loaf of bread and if I make the sign of the cross first, I could celebrate communion at home with some bread and some wine."
"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." p. 24 of the BB of AA 1st Ed.
The first step of Alcoholics Anonymous is: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable." Powerless means loss of power, choice and control (as described above). How does your experience with alcohol and with drinking fit with what I have explained to you? Are you an alcoholic? If you are an alcoholic, then the next question is what do you need to do about, assuming you want to do something about it. But first things first, how does your experience compare?
Susan
Maybe the best place to start is with the question: "Are you an alcoholic?" "Or are you a heavy drinker or a problem drinker?" Not everyone who seeks help in Alcoholics Anonymous is alcoholic. One can be a heavy drinker or a problem drinker but not be an alcoholic. Next question: "What is the difference between an alcoholic and a heavy drinker or a problem drinker?" The short answer: a heavy drinker or a problem drinker can stop drinking on their own if given sufficient reason to stop. An alcoholic cannot.
If you can stop drinking on your own, and stay stopped, there is really no reason for you to go to AA, or to find any program of recovery whatsoever, for that matter.
Alcoholism 101. Alcoholism is an illness of body, mind and spirit. An alcoholic has two characteristics: "If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic." p. 44 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (1st Ed.)
Real life application of loss of control: I am an alcoholic. If I drink, I cannot control the amount I drink on any given occasion. I may have one drink, but it is much more likely that I will lose all control and drink into a binge. I cannot guarantee every single time that I will have a set number of drinks. After I have lost all control, I am full of shame, guilt and remorse, not to mention having a host of negative consequences.
The reason I lose control over my drinking is because alcohol triggers a physical craving or allergy (i.e., an abnormal reaction). My body does not process alcohol in the same way that normal drinkers process alcohol. "We believe and so suggested a few years ago, that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy; that the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker." p. xxvi of the Doctor's Opinion, BB of AA 1st Ed.
Real life application of loss of choice: I am an alcoholic. If I stop drinking (i.e., swear off drinking after an especially bad binge), I cannot stay stopped. I will return to drinking despite my knowledge of alcoholism as a disease, despite my knowledge of myself as an alcoholic, despite my attempts to exercise my willpower, despite all of the negative consequences that have occurred as a result of my last drinking binge.
The reason I lose choice in drinking is because my thinking leads me back to picking up that next first drink. I have these "peculiar mental twists", "mental blank spots" and at times just "plain insane ideas". There is a mental obsession aspect to alcoholism. At times it is a pitched battle raging in my mind. But usually is is so subtle that I don't even realize it is happening to me. It is that quiet whisper. "This time will be different."
Additional examples: "I haven't had a drink for x amount of time, surely such a long period of abstinence enables me to drink like other people." Deliberate decision: "F... it. I just don't care anymore." No defense raised: I have no thought at all, it's the perfect end to a perfect day, no cloud on the horizon, and wouldn't a glass of wine with dinner be nice. I order that glass of wine and I am off on a binge. Plain insanity: "If I buy a loaf of bread and if I make the sign of the cross first, I could celebrate communion at home with some bread and some wine."
"The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." p. 24 of the BB of AA 1st Ed.
The first step of Alcoholics Anonymous is: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol -- that our lives had become unmanageable." Powerless means loss of power, choice and control (as described above). How does your experience with alcohol and with drinking fit with what I have explained to you? Are you an alcoholic? If you are an alcoholic, then the next question is what do you need to do about, assuming you want to do something about it. But first things first, how does your experience compare?
Susan
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Thank you NewWings for the help. I am honestly not sure if I can limit it. I guess I will find out! I do have anxiety and depression. I have made some positive life changes to where I am much happier now than I have been in a really long time. Alcohol is definitely an area of my life I want to change. I will follow her second suggestion and limit myself to 2 drinks when I go out or am with friends, and none at home alone (which is honestly hard as I've gotten used to having a cold beer after work, which I've noticed can quickly turn into more!), and see if I am truly able to do it or not. I need to be honest with myself. Thanks again.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi pigtails
Well, I'm definitely an alcoholic because I can't limit myself to just one or two - I think most of us have tried that 'one or two drinks' thing tho by the time we end up here...have you?
If you find you have trouble sticking to those one or two, I think it's more important to acknowledge the problem than naming it, just for now anyway - the important thing is to do something about it
You'll find a lot of help and support here with that- anyone with any kind of a drinking or drug problem who needs support is welcome here
Welcome
D
Well, I'm definitely an alcoholic because I can't limit myself to just one or two - I think most of us have tried that 'one or two drinks' thing tho by the time we end up here...have you?
If you find you have trouble sticking to those one or two, I think it's more important to acknowledge the problem than naming it, just for now anyway - the important thing is to do something about it
You'll find a lot of help and support here with that- anyone with any kind of a drinking or drug problem who needs support is welcome here
Welcome
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
SusanLauren, that was a very helpful post, thank you. I am not sure if I'm an alcoholic. I believe I am a problem/binge drinker but I guess if I try to limit it and can't then that will be my answer. My therapist made it sound as if I am in early stages of what could lead to alcoholism if I do not gain control over it and cut back. So is alcoholism something one is born with and always that way, or can someone go from being a regular drinker to a problem drinker to an alcoholic, which is what I worry about? If it's the body's natural response/allergy, wouldn't it have always been there? Or is it also affected by circumstances?
I did not drink at all in high school. My first year of college I studied abroad and drank very moderately- wine with dinner, one drink at a discoteca etc. I believe I had no problem with alcohol then. I transferred to a school in the states and became more of a drinker but I have always believed it was regular college-party type drinking, although not even as bad as average. I don't think I had a problem with drinking then. I moved across the country to start graduate school and I became a huge problem drinker. I was lonely and miserable and it was my way to cope. I made some really stupid decisions while drinking. It calmed down after my first year but I believe I have been a problem drinker since then, depending on my circumstances.
After going through a hard ending of a relationship last year my drinking got way out of control. I was back to graduate-school-style binge-partying and making stupid decisions out of loneliness and feeling miserable. Lately I have been making great improvements in many areas of my life but it has involved hard choices and big changes and I've noticed that my drinking has gotten worse as other things in my life have gotten better! I think it is my way to cope with the pain of making changes. If that makes any sense. Like, I know the changes are needed and good for me but they are still very hard to make and I turn to alochol as an escape or release. I really want to stop doing that and for my drinking not to be a problem. I think I can do it by cutting back but if not then I am an alcoholic, is what I'm getting from these posts. Okay. This is very helpful, thank you.
I did not drink at all in high school. My first year of college I studied abroad and drank very moderately- wine with dinner, one drink at a discoteca etc. I believe I had no problem with alcohol then. I transferred to a school in the states and became more of a drinker but I have always believed it was regular college-party type drinking, although not even as bad as average. I don't think I had a problem with drinking then. I moved across the country to start graduate school and I became a huge problem drinker. I was lonely and miserable and it was my way to cope. I made some really stupid decisions while drinking. It calmed down after my first year but I believe I have been a problem drinker since then, depending on my circumstances.
After going through a hard ending of a relationship last year my drinking got way out of control. I was back to graduate-school-style binge-partying and making stupid decisions out of loneliness and feeling miserable. Lately I have been making great improvements in many areas of my life but it has involved hard choices and big changes and I've noticed that my drinking has gotten worse as other things in my life have gotten better! I think it is my way to cope with the pain of making changes. If that makes any sense. Like, I know the changes are needed and good for me but they are still very hard to make and I turn to alochol as an escape or release. I really want to stop doing that and for my drinking not to be a problem. I think I can do it by cutting back but if not then I am an alcoholic, is what I'm getting from these posts. Okay. This is very helpful, thank you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hi pigtails
Well, I'm definitely an alcoholic because I can't limit myself to just one or two - I think most of us have tried that 'one or two drinks' thing tho by the time we end up here...have you?
If you find you have trouble sticking to those one or two, I think it's more important to acknowledge the problem than naming it, just for now anyway - the important thing is to do something about it
You'll find a lot of help and support here with that- anyone with any kind of a drinking or drug problem who needs support is welcome here
Welcome
D
Well, I'm definitely an alcoholic because I can't limit myself to just one or two - I think most of us have tried that 'one or two drinks' thing tho by the time we end up here...have you?
If you find you have trouble sticking to those one or two, I think it's more important to acknowledge the problem than naming it, just for now anyway - the important thing is to do something about it
You'll find a lot of help and support here with that- anyone with any kind of a drinking or drug problem who needs support is welcome here
Welcome
D
Honestly I would like to just take a break from alcohol all together. I feel it is doing me more harm than good right now and it is something I would like to cut out of my life. However I feel that much of my social existence revolves around alcohol and it would be a huge change to just not drink. Like, go to happy hour and just have water? Or not go? I was mentioning this to my therapist and that's when she suggested going and just having a drink or two and then going home. I realize that's what normal people do but sometimes for me happy hour turns into all night going-out and drinking. I really don't know if it's about alcohol, or my busy social life where I often do things like plan to have happy hour with one friend who wants to talk and then go out with another friend for her birthday, or to a work/professional event where I feel shy and anxious until I have a drink, etc. I would like to be less busy and more quiet and still but it's hard to do when I'm used to such an active social life and I have a lot of friends and events etc. So I am trying to cut back the amount of time I spend out in general, as well as the amount that I drink.
I hope I am making sense. I feel I am dealing with a lot of different issues at once! I am a shy person until I drink alcohol and then I am the life of the party and everyone loves me and I think I would be someone completely different without alcohol and that everyone would be shocked about what has changed about me. But I would like to be myself without alcohol and am trying to love myself better. :-) So I am really not sure how to go about all these changes and figure setting a limit and trying to stick to it is the best first step and if I can't do that then I realize I have an even bigger problem than I thought!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
am a shy person until I drink alcohol and then I am the life of the party and everyone loves me and I think I would be someone completely different without alcohol and that everyone would be shocked about what has changed about me. But I would like to be myself without alcohol and am trying to love myself better. :-) So I am really not sure how to go about all these changes and figure setting a limit and trying to stick to it is the best first step and if I can't do that then I realize I have an even bigger problem than I thought!
I wish you luck with the limiting - but if it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world - you may even find some benefits
I found I was very shy without alcohol - but I've also come to realise that's the real me and I have nothing to be ashamed of - for the first time in my life I've actually became comfortable with how I am - and the loud life of the party guy isn't the real me at all.
It was a mask, and then it became a chore. I'm still quiet but I'm confident in who I am now
I have made wholesale changes - my friends are mostly different, my social life is different, the way I socialise is different - but I love my life now
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 624
For me, I found total abstinence just the best way to deal with all..but it took a long, time time to realize it, with months of temporary on/off abstinence, moderation, diluting drinks with soda, etc etc..it was exhausting!
It sounds like you are thinking this through really well and rationally. I wish I'd had someone point out my 'red flags' a long time ago before it got to the crisis point where I had to quit or everything would have been down the pan. I wasted a lot of time between your age and mine (38) with terrible hangovers, stupid dumb things I did whilst drinking, guilt, etc. It's great that you are listening and taking action. It's how YOU feel inside, and since you are already dealing with a couple of things, it's definitely good to get on a healthy track now rather than later.
I also used to drink because I felt shy and anxious at social gatherings. I'd loosen up a bit with a couple of glasses..but it just couldn't stop there. Oh, the irony! I'd drink to feel comfortable, but then I would drink until I'd make other people uncomfortable (and I wouldn't even care!) and then wake up the next morning in a state of anxiety about the night before....what a mess! I'm so glad I'm off that crazy vicious cycle. Now I'm sober at gatherings, and I still have a great time. Yes, I do feel shy and a bit anxious at the beginning of the evening, but I do find that past the first 30 minutes, I loosen up anyway. I didn't ever need the booze. Took me years and years to work it out! Don't leave it as long as I did!
It sounds like you are thinking this through really well and rationally. I wish I'd had someone point out my 'red flags' a long time ago before it got to the crisis point where I had to quit or everything would have been down the pan. I wasted a lot of time between your age and mine (38) with terrible hangovers, stupid dumb things I did whilst drinking, guilt, etc. It's great that you are listening and taking action. It's how YOU feel inside, and since you are already dealing with a couple of things, it's definitely good to get on a healthy track now rather than later.
I also used to drink because I felt shy and anxious at social gatherings. I'd loosen up a bit with a couple of glasses..but it just couldn't stop there. Oh, the irony! I'd drink to feel comfortable, but then I would drink until I'd make other people uncomfortable (and I wouldn't even care!) and then wake up the next morning in a state of anxiety about the night before....what a mess! I'm so glad I'm off that crazy vicious cycle. Now I'm sober at gatherings, and I still have a great time. Yes, I do feel shy and a bit anxious at the beginning of the evening, but I do find that past the first 30 minutes, I loosen up anyway. I didn't ever need the booze. Took me years and years to work it out! Don't leave it as long as I did!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by Dee74
I wish you luck with the limiting - but if it doesn't work out, it's not the end of the world - you may even find some benefits
I found I was very shy without alcohol - but I've also come to realise that's the real me and I have nothing to be ashamed of - for the first time in my life I've actually became comfortable with how I am - and the loud life of the party guy isn't the real me at all.
It was a mask, and then it became a chore. I'm still quiet but I'm confident in who I am now
I have made wholesale changes - my friends are mostly different, my social life is different, the way I socialise is different - but I love my life now
D
I found I was very shy without alcohol - but I've also come to realise that's the real me and I have nothing to be ashamed of - for the first time in my life I've actually became comfortable with how I am - and the loud life of the party guy isn't the real me at all.
It was a mask, and then it became a chore. I'm still quiet but I'm confident in who I am now
I have made wholesale changes - my friends are mostly different, my social life is different, the way I socialise is different - but I love my life now
D
Now the same patterns repeat and I realize I have to be okay being on my own. Ironically I had two long-term relationships that were headed for marriage that I ended but it's a still very hard thing to go through. I realize I was just staying with someone so as not to be lonely but the someone wasn't truly right for me. Now for the first time I am forcing myself to be single and trying to be okay with being on my own, knowing and loving who I even am before I try to find the right match for me. That involves loneliness and the drinking pattern picked up again a lot. About a year ago (while still in the relationship but drinking too much after work with co-workers because I wasn't happy in the relationship) I realized it was a problem and I gave up drinking for 3 weeks. Kind of an experiment to see what it would be like without drinking and it was really weird. I would go out with friends or co-workers but not drink and I realized going out wasn't very much fun if they were drinking and I wasn't, and I also realized I had spent a lot of time sitting around on my butt drinking! How unproductive. That is one of the reasons I would like to just stop or severely limit it both in quantity and time spent. I also realized I felt I didn't fit in without alcohol, I was reserved and lived in my head and couldn't think of much to say etc. I'm wondering if I need to develop a more personal personality and try to put myself out there more without alcohol, or if that is just who I am and I need to accept it. I am really not sure! Maybe it's a bit of both... I need to be more confident and accepting of who I am and then it will be easier to relate to other people and feel at ease with them and open up more.
As you can see for me alcohol is tied to a lot of other issues and I am trying to determine the significance of it all and make positive changes so that I can finally be happy. :-) I can relate to what you said about the mask and the party guy not really being you. I have thought for a long time that I don't want to be this way, it's not who I really am, yet I keep doing it. So I really want to change that.
I am really afraid about the part you mentioned about friends changing. Most of my friends are problem drinkers too (some not as bad as me, some worse) and most of them have big issues and I don't want to desert them just because I want to change for the better, but it will be hard to hang out with them and not drink or not drink much and I almost wonder if we will have anything left in common. :-( This has really held me back from changing because I worry that it will mean having to give up my friends. I do have a couple close friends who are good influences, healthy happy people, and I have been trying to do things with them more and talk to them more because I desire their lifestyle over the lifestyle I've been living with my less healthy and happy friends. How did it come about that your friends changed? Did you tell your old friends you were no longer drinking, and they didn't want to hang out with you? Or did you no longer want to hang out with that crowd? Like, was it your choice or theirs? Thank you for the discussion, it is really helping me.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi,
It does sound as if you are in a process of changing in your life. Your comments about your busy social life resonated with me. You said, "I would like be less busy and more quiet". Yes, Yes! That was me. I could not limit my drinking and trying to do so was causing me to obsess about it. Stopping drinking freed me. I also made the conscious choice to spend more time with myself and I have loved every minute of it. I don't go out as often as I used to and I don't miss it at all.
I hope you continue to read and post.
It does sound as if you are in a process of changing in your life. Your comments about your busy social life resonated with me. You said, "I would like be less busy and more quiet". Yes, Yes! That was me. I could not limit my drinking and trying to do so was causing me to obsess about it. Stopping drinking freed me. I also made the conscious choice to spend more time with myself and I have loved every minute of it. I don't go out as often as I used to and I don't miss it at all.
I hope you continue to read and post.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by newwings
For me, I found total abstinence just the best way to deal with all..but it took a long, time time to realize it, with months of temporary on/off abstinence, moderation, diluting drinks with soda, etc etc..it was exhausting!
It sounds like you are thinking this through really well and rationally. I wish I'd had someone point out my 'red flags' a long time ago before it got to the crisis point where I had to quit or everything would have been down the pan. I wasted a lot of time between your age and mine (38) with terrible hangovers, stupid dumb things I did whilst drinking, guilt, etc. It's great that you are listening and taking action. It's how YOU feel inside, and since you are already dealing with a couple of things, it's definitely good to get on a healthy track now rather than later.
I also used to drink because I felt shy and anxious at social gatherings. I'd loosen up a bit with a couple of glasses..but it just couldn't stop there. Oh, the irony! I'd drink to feel comfortable, but then I would drink until I'd make other people uncomfortable (and I wouldn't even care!) and then wake up the next morning in a state of anxiety about the night before....what a mess! I'm so glad I'm off that crazy vicious cycle. Now I'm sober at gatherings, and I still have a great time. Yes, I do feel shy and a bit anxious at the beginning of the evening, but I do find that past the first 30 minutes, I loosen up anyway. I didn't ever need the booze. Took me years and years to work it out! Don't leave it as long as I did!
It sounds like you are thinking this through really well and rationally. I wish I'd had someone point out my 'red flags' a long time ago before it got to the crisis point where I had to quit or everything would have been down the pan. I wasted a lot of time between your age and mine (38) with terrible hangovers, stupid dumb things I did whilst drinking, guilt, etc. It's great that you are listening and taking action. It's how YOU feel inside, and since you are already dealing with a couple of things, it's definitely good to get on a healthy track now rather than later.
I also used to drink because I felt shy and anxious at social gatherings. I'd loosen up a bit with a couple of glasses..but it just couldn't stop there. Oh, the irony! I'd drink to feel comfortable, but then I would drink until I'd make other people uncomfortable (and I wouldn't even care!) and then wake up the next morning in a state of anxiety about the night before....what a mess! I'm so glad I'm off that crazy vicious cycle. Now I'm sober at gatherings, and I still have a great time. Yes, I do feel shy and a bit anxious at the beginning of the evening, but I do find that past the first 30 minutes, I loosen up anyway. I didn't ever need the booze. Took me years and years to work it out! Don't leave it as long as I did!
Therapy has helped me become aware about some of these things and now sometimes when I'm drunk I'll think, Wow Pigtails, you sure are making a fool out of yourself. To me just having the awareness was a big first step. I have also become aware that I drink so I can be around people and not be lonely; I don't like to go home to an empty house (even though I have pets I should go home to!), and so I look for every reason to stay out which usually involves drinking more. A few weeks ago I was at a birthday dinner for one of my good friends who is married, stable, healthy, happy, etc. One of the friends I want to be more like! It was full of her older relatives and married couple friends etc. and I thought I wouldn't drink much. Well on this one occassion she was actually drinking a lot for her (it was her birthday after all
and I was keeping up with her for sure. Her husband had to go home because he had to work the next day and so she went with him. It was 11 pm on a Monday and I thought it was too early to go home, I wanted to stay out! They had randomly run into some colleagues of her husband, who had joined our table, and they all suggested I go sit at their table (I just met them that night!) and continue drinking, so I did. We stayed until the bar closed and I didn't even particularly like them, I just didn't want to go home, I wanted to stay out as long as possible. That was a huge turning point for me because the next day and even that night I felt embarrassed, like wow what is wrong with me that I find any excuse to stay out and drink when normal people have gone home. My friend made comments like, you should stay and drink and have fun, and, maybe you guys will hook up, let me know what happens, and I know she didn't mean them to be mean (in fact I think she was kind of jealous in a half-joking wish-I-was-at-your-stage way), but I felt stupid that I have this reputation; someone who wants to stay out and party.
So that is when I started talking to my therapist about my issues and for me it's like, loneliness is an issue, wanting to escape really dealing with my issues is an issue, and alcohol is an issue, and they're all intertwined. It's almsost as if I didn't/don't know where to start and so I have been making gradual but big changes and now I need to tackle this alcohol one head-on.
Therapy has been really helpful for me and now that my therapist moved away I am thinking I will be okay - I already know what I need to do, I just need to DO it. I am extremely close with my sister who is a big support for me and I have been kind of using her as my therapist and just trying to be honest and contact her (we don't live close to each other which is an issue for me) whenever I feel like doing something stupid. I have made a lot of stupid decisions in my life, not all about alcohol although that sure doesn't help, and I feel I have nearly ruined my life and now I am trying to save it. I think I was stuck in a process of self-hate and self-destruction and now I am really trying to move towards self-love and self-protection. I am really glad I came here to talk to you all because I feel we have more in common than just alcohol issues, or maybe it's all inter-related for all of us. :-) Thanks NewWings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by Anna
Hi,
It does sound as if you are in a process of changing in your life. Your comments about your busy social life resonated with me. You said, "I would like be less busy and more quiet". Yes, Yes! That was me. I could not limit my drinking and trying to do so was causing me to obsess about it. Stopping drinking freed me. I also made the conscious choice to spend more time with myself and I have loved every minute of it. I don't go out as often as I used to and I don't miss it at all.
I hope you continue to read and post.
It does sound as if you are in a process of changing in your life. Your comments about your busy social life resonated with me. You said, "I would like be less busy and more quiet". Yes, Yes! That was me. I could not limit my drinking and trying to do so was causing me to obsess about it. Stopping drinking freed me. I also made the conscious choice to spend more time with myself and I have loved every minute of it. I don't go out as often as I used to and I don't miss it at all.
I hope you continue to read and post.
I can relate to what you say about obsesssing. I tend to have an extreme all or nothing personality and I get really anal and obsessive about stuff. That's why I'm afrid to just stop cold turkey even though I kind of want to, because I feel like then I'll be worrying about "well what am I going to tell this friend?" and "should I even bother going to this event?" etc. I'm trying to find balance and have found it's easier to tackle one thing at a time instead of making huge extreme changes. So I feel limiting myself to 2 drinks is more doable and less anxiety-producing than saying no drinks ever. Then again if I find I can't do that then I have a big problem I do need to make an extreme change and deal with, and perhaps I'll find that this is just an excuse to not deal with it. Maybe not drinking WILL free me. Or maybe it is just a matter of awareness and balance. I'm not sure yet. I will definitely keep posting and I'm glad I'm welcome here. :-)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
she doesn't feel I'm an alcoholic but that it could go that way if I keep down this path. Is there such a thing as "almost" an alcoholic? She said she recommends I either stop drinking or I limit what I drink to a drink or two when I go out
Welcome Pigtails.
It is always a tough decision to ackowledge alcoholism or not. I'm just not sure I understand her logic because if she thinks it could go that way and you are headed down that road she would have told you to quit all together.
You have to go with your gut feeling, your heart. For most people alcohol is not an issue. If we are fussing and fretting over whether to drink or not chances are it's a problem despite all the other hoopla involved.
If someone told me I might be an alcoholic if I stay on the path I'm on I bet I'd drink myself silly to find out if they were right. Unfortunatley, after 30 years I had to come to that realization without someone pointing it out and learned the hard way. I completely lost control, my life was getting unmanagable and I had to make a choice.
I did do a 6 week rehab and just for the record, the first thing we were told is to change your playground and your playmates. It is very difficult to engage in the same friendships sober as you did drinking unless they are very understanding rational people who will respect your choices.
As far as being single...I am separated. moved into another house and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I say that because this way it gives me a chance to get to know myself, to get to know myself sober and to live life within my terms. No extra baggage, no extra excuses...any problems I have would be caused by me and no one else. I can't blame anyone if I drink for any reason...it would completely be my fault! Period. I am not planning on jumping into a relationship just because...!
You have alot of different thoughts running thru your posts...I could talk forever...but I think if you stick around alot of your issues will be talked out. You'll be ok.
Welcome Pigtails.
It is always a tough decision to ackowledge alcoholism or not. I'm just not sure I understand her logic because if she thinks it could go that way and you are headed down that road she would have told you to quit all together.
You have to go with your gut feeling, your heart. For most people alcohol is not an issue. If we are fussing and fretting over whether to drink or not chances are it's a problem despite all the other hoopla involved.
If someone told me I might be an alcoholic if I stay on the path I'm on I bet I'd drink myself silly to find out if they were right. Unfortunatley, after 30 years I had to come to that realization without someone pointing it out and learned the hard way. I completely lost control, my life was getting unmanagable and I had to make a choice.
I did do a 6 week rehab and just for the record, the first thing we were told is to change your playground and your playmates. It is very difficult to engage in the same friendships sober as you did drinking unless they are very understanding rational people who will respect your choices.
As far as being single...I am separated. moved into another house and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I say that because this way it gives me a chance to get to know myself, to get to know myself sober and to live life within my terms. No extra baggage, no extra excuses...any problems I have would be caused by me and no one else. I can't blame anyone if I drink for any reason...it would completely be my fault! Period. I am not planning on jumping into a relationship just because...!
You have alot of different thoughts running thru your posts...I could talk forever...but I think if you stick around alot of your issues will be talked out. You'll be ok.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
I guess I just want to say that I just want to get happy. I am closer to that than I have been in a long time but I know I cannot get there while drinking so much and making stupid decisions when drunk. Two drinks should not get me drunk (although sometimes I'm surprised!) so hopefully this will eliminate the stupid decisions when drunk part but still allow me some semblance of what I'm used to in terms of my social life and not trying to make a hugely drastic change while also addressing other issues that have been hard to face. I couldn't think of a username to save my life so I chose "pigtails" because I was thinking about when my sister and I were young and that's how we wore our hair and I just want to be happy and free like I was back then. Not depressed, anxious, stressed out, lonely, unhappy, unhealthy etc. like I have been for quite some time until very recently. Also Anna I like the song quote in your signature. I have a similar line that runs through my head a lot, from Paul Simon: "I'm on my way... I don't know where I'm going." I feel that pretty much sums up my life right now. :-) Except I know I'm going to "happy" but I'm not quite sure what "happy" looks like for me... I'm working on figuring that out and getting there. :-)
I am closer to that than I have been in a long time but I know I cannot get there while drinking so much and making stupid decisions when drunk. Two drinks should not get me drunk (although sometimes I'm surprised!) so hopefully this will eliminate the stupid decisions when drunk part but still allow me some semblance of what I'm used to in terms of my social life and not trying to make a hugely drastic change while also addressing other issues that have been hard to face. I couldn't think of a username to save my life so I chose "pigtails" because I was thinking about when my sister and I were young and that's how we wore our hair and I just want to be happy and free like I was back then. Not depressed, anxious, stressed out, lonely, unhappy, unhealthy etc. like I have been for quite some time until very recently. Also Anna I like the song quote in your signature. I have a similar line that runs through my head a lot, from Paul Simon: "I'm on my way... I don't know where I'm going." I feel that pretty much sums up my life right now. :-) Except I know I'm going to "happy" but I'm not quite sure what "happy" looks like for me... I'm working on figuring that out and getting there. :-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Originally Posted by EmeraldRose
she doesn't feel I'm an alcoholic but that it could go that way if I keep down this path. Is there such a thing as "almost" an alcoholic? She said she recommends I either stop drinking or I limit what I drink to a drink or two when I go out
Welcome Pigtails.
It is always a tough decision to ackowledge alcoholism or not. I'm just not sure I understand her logic because if she thinks it could go that way and you are headed down that road she would have told you to quit all together.
You have to go with your gut feeling, your heart. For most people alcohol is not an issue. If we are fussing and fretting over whether to drink or not chances are it's a problem despite all the other hoopla involved.
If someone told me I might be an alcoholic if I stay on the path I'm on I bet I'd drink myself silly to find out if they were right. Unfortunatley, after 30 years I had to come to that realization without someone pointing it out and learned the hard way. I completely lost control, my life was getting unmanagable and I had to make a choice.
I did do a 6 week rehab and just for the record, the first thing we were told is to change your playground and your playmates. It is very difficult to engage in the same friendships sober as you did drinking unless they are very understanding rational people who will respect your choices.
As far as being single...I am separated. moved into another house and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I say that because this way it gives me a chance to get to know myself, to get to know myself sober and to live life within my terms. No extra baggage, no extra excuses...any problems I have would be caused by me and no one else. I can't blame anyone if I drink for any reason...it would completely be my fault! Period. I am not planning on jumping into a relationship just because...!
You have alot of different thoughts running thru your posts...I could talk forever...but I think if you stick around alot of your issues will be talked out. You'll be ok.
Welcome Pigtails.
It is always a tough decision to ackowledge alcoholism or not. I'm just not sure I understand her logic because if she thinks it could go that way and you are headed down that road she would have told you to quit all together.
You have to go with your gut feeling, your heart. For most people alcohol is not an issue. If we are fussing and fretting over whether to drink or not chances are it's a problem despite all the other hoopla involved.
If someone told me I might be an alcoholic if I stay on the path I'm on I bet I'd drink myself silly to find out if they were right. Unfortunatley, after 30 years I had to come to that realization without someone pointing it out and learned the hard way. I completely lost control, my life was getting unmanagable and I had to make a choice.
I did do a 6 week rehab and just for the record, the first thing we were told is to change your playground and your playmates. It is very difficult to engage in the same friendships sober as you did drinking unless they are very understanding rational people who will respect your choices.
As far as being single...I am separated. moved into another house and I believe that everything happens for a reason. I say that because this way it gives me a chance to get to know myself, to get to know myself sober and to live life within my terms. No extra baggage, no extra excuses...any problems I have would be caused by me and no one else. I can't blame anyone if I drink for any reason...it would completely be my fault! Period. I am not planning on jumping into a relationship just because...!
You have alot of different thoughts running thru your posts...I could talk forever...but I think if you stick around alot of your issues will be talked out. You'll be ok.
Thank you Emerald. I don't really understand her reasoning either. All I can think of is that she thinks I'm handling issues by turning to alcohol right now and I need to recognize and stop it or it could get worse. But that she thinks I will be able to do that rather than that I'm an alcoholic who can't stop?
I do have so many thoughts going on right now! That's for sure.
I have thought a lot about moving back towards where my family is and just changing my life, friends etc. all together all at once. But that feels like running away from my problems and I know from the past they will catch up with me no matter where I go. So first I am trying to live a happy life in the hear and now while I decide a plan for my future that probably does involve being closer physically to my family.
In the meantime I am scared of change and I have realized that my whole lifestyle and most of my friends will have to change. I don't see a way around that. Really I have three very good friends. One of them is very healthy and happy and we can grab a beer or glass of wine no problem but she is not a partier and I'm not either when I'm with her. She would have no problem if I said I don't want to drink anymore, and would actually help support me in limiting myself to two drinks, she would be totally fine with it and probably happy about it. So luckily she's a keeper. :-)
I have another close friend who is a depressed mess and very self-destructive and most definitely a substance abuser... a lot like me. I cannot imagine her wanting to hang out with me if I didn't drink or even when I just limit myself to 2 drinks. Perhaps I will be pleasantly surprised but that is her lifestyle and I feel she would rather have me out of it then work with me to accept my new choices. And honestly that would probablyl be a good thing for me but I just don't want it to be like I "abandon" her or that I suddenly seem "too good" for her because she is definitely my party friend, and we have other friends we party with but she's the only one I've been close with for quite some years now.
Finally I have a very good friend who I always drink with (similar thing where we have other friends we do things with but she and I are the closest by far) and I am not sure what will happen with her. She has also been trying to make some positive changes and we go out and drink a LOT less often than we used to and I think she would be fine with me saying, I don't want to drink or, I'm only ever going to drink 2 drinks. But both of us have made some unhealthy decisions and I almost feel there a negative pull we have on each other or something, and I don't know if we can help each other get healthy or if we are just bad for each other, or what. :-( We both met when we were going through horrible times and we decided to deal with it by going out and partying all the time. Now I think we have both moved on to try to deal with things in a healthier way but we are not totally there. So I don't know what happens with a situation like that where two people both want to make positive changes but in the past they have made bad choices together and have the tendency to en-able each other.
And of course there is my sister who doesn't live here but who is my biggest support and who is telling me I need to limit my drinking so she is very happy with my decision to change. :-) I am trying hard to rely on her and my one really healthy friend and to spend less time with other friends who are not as positive influences. I would just have a hard time completely giving up any friends, I would feel that wasn't right for some reason.
Thank you for all the help Emerald. We are in a similar place in terms of wanting/needing to be single right now and focus on ourselves. It's nice to talk to someone who understands that aspect because people keep feeling sorry for me for being single or seeing if they can hook me up with someone and although I get tempted because I don't like being lonely, I have to tell myself I NEED to be single right now and that being with someone else would be a distraction just like drinking.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
I understand how hard it is to 'give up' friendships and relationships. In the past, old friends would call my Mother and she'd give them my number. I told her not to do that since there was a reason why we weren't friends. I hate 'catching up' with people after 10 or 20 years...just to find out what they are up to. There is a reason why we didn't stay connected. I respect that reason whatever it is and don't feel that I need to know.
I have told my Mother that if someone from the dark ages calls ask for THEIR number and tell them you will relay the message.
We need to pick and choose our friends. Just because we 'know' them doesn't mean they are a friend. And doesn't mean they are a good influence on our recovery or life choices.
I have moved 1400 miles away from my family and 'friends' and have made aquaintances thru work, etc but I do not consider any of them people that I would tell my utmost secrets or desires in life -EXCEPT for my new AA friends. I would trust them with my dog and that says alot. LOL
Since moving and meeting new people and having this aweful secret of being an alcoholic I have to be very careful who I trust. This town has a 1000 people. That's like 1000 mouths working in unison 24/7. Trust is something that I have deep respect for and am learning that just because they are your friends doesn't mean you want them to know you. And that goes both ways...I am very careful with information I share to others about others.
You need to choose the people in your life that will benefit your life right now. Especially if you are having issues. Toxic souls will make you go against your morals and what you expect from yourself. Positive souls will help you and try to understand your desires.
You are right, in moving, we generally are trying to run away from our problems...but with an addict the problem always follows like a shadow. It will catch up with you if you don't get to the root of the problem. But if you feel that moving closer to your family is a good choice and will encourage a better life it might be worth another thought.
I wish I could move closer but I can't afford to live in a east coast city where I was from. So I remain a dusty prairie dweller -but have no debt!
I have told my Mother that if someone from the dark ages calls ask for THEIR number and tell them you will relay the message.
We need to pick and choose our friends. Just because we 'know' them doesn't mean they are a friend. And doesn't mean they are a good influence on our recovery or life choices.
I have moved 1400 miles away from my family and 'friends' and have made aquaintances thru work, etc but I do not consider any of them people that I would tell my utmost secrets or desires in life -EXCEPT for my new AA friends. I would trust them with my dog and that says alot. LOL
Since moving and meeting new people and having this aweful secret of being an alcoholic I have to be very careful who I trust. This town has a 1000 people. That's like 1000 mouths working in unison 24/7. Trust is something that I have deep respect for and am learning that just because they are your friends doesn't mean you want them to know you. And that goes both ways...I am very careful with information I share to others about others.
You need to choose the people in your life that will benefit your life right now. Especially if you are having issues. Toxic souls will make you go against your morals and what you expect from yourself. Positive souls will help you and try to understand your desires.
You are right, in moving, we generally are trying to run away from our problems...but with an addict the problem always follows like a shadow. It will catch up with you if you don't get to the root of the problem. But if you feel that moving closer to your family is a good choice and will encourage a better life it might be worth another thought.
I wish I could move closer but I can't afford to live in a east coast city where I was from. So I remain a dusty prairie dweller -but have no debt!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 148
Originally Posted by Dee74
Well, I'm definitely an alcoholic because I can't limit myself to just one or two - I think most of us have tried that 'one or two drinks' thing tho by the time we end up here...
yikes.
If you actually are able to keep it to only a couple drinks, than you should be fine
Just be careful!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I am really afraid about the part you mentioned about friends changing. Most of my friends are problem drinkers too (some not as bad as me, some worse) and most of them have big issues and I don't want to desert them just because I want to change for the better, but it will be hard to hang out with them and not drink or not drink much and I almost wonder if we will have anything left in common. :-( This has really held me back from changing because I worry that it will mean having to give up my friends
I wanted to be a non drinker but essentially live my old drinking life.
Personally, I didn't find that possible.
The fact is, if people are your friends, they'll support any positive changes you're making. If they don't....maybe the relationship needs to be looked at?
I had to cut a few people adrift, and it was painful - but I don't regret it...a lot more people stuck by me, and I gained many old friends back who were happy to see the 'old me' again
D
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 224
It is definitely a tough decision to quit alcohol or not, Pigtails.
It is good that you are exploring it as a coping mechanism and as a way to to avoid unwanted feelings (like loneliness). It sounds like you are on a good path : )
Alcohlism is definitely progressive. Maybe your therapist was unsure if you were in the early stages or just over-indulging.
Good luck and Welcome!
It is good that you are exploring it as a coping mechanism and as a way to to avoid unwanted feelings (like loneliness). It sounds like you are on a good path : )
Alcohlism is definitely progressive. Maybe your therapist was unsure if you were in the early stages or just over-indulging.
Good luck and Welcome!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
