brutus10

Hello all! I am new here and not sure what to expect but need somewhere to turn. I have been with him for 4 years now. He is a type one diabetic and when I met him, he was binge drinking and doing cocaine non-stop. I printed out all the educational material I could and signed us up for classes. It seemed to help and he went down to "partying" twice a week. I then decided that he had never left our small town and if I could only take him out of his environment, he may be able to see his was capable of more. Two years ago, we moved to the big city and both began working for my father's company. He finally had a high paying job, benefits and confidence. BUT the drinking kept on and I began having to make lies to my family as to why we could not come to gatherings or dinners, I had to lie for him when he wouldnt' show up to work, and was fearful of any trip or gathering that may involve beer. He would say what's the big deal? I only drink once a week and its in my own home. The big deal was he HAD to drink once a week and at least 30 beers at a time, which would keep him drink well into the next morning and sick until the next day. Three months ago, I finallly put my foot down and said either you slow down or I'm out of here. He insisted I am crazy and violent because when he's drunk and tries to leave with his keys, I have physically wrestled with him to keep them out of his hands. It went downhill from there and one month ago after an explosive drunken fight, he flew back to our hometown with only the shirt on his back. I instantly knew he was not coming back so I moved out. When he returned a few days later with his father, he was already fired and the apartment empty. They packed up his truck and made the long road trip back to our homtown. Within a few days, he was calling me crying and promising me the moon if I came home. The first week was like that. The last 3 have gone progressively downhill. It's gone from come home now to come home in a month so I can work on my drinking and you can work on your anger. We will only fight if you come home now. So, he asked if we can be still "together" and in a month or so I move back home. I said yes but now everytime I bring it up, he gets very angry and says he doesn't even wana call me becasue that's all I bother about. He's also began to drink and do drugs more and more again as the weeks go by. Last week was a 2 day binge and this week a 3. He was doing so well and I can't understand why he'd throw it all away............ Do they change? Am I making a mistake if I go back home? Is he just saying lets stay together so he can feel better, but has no intention of getting back? If he wants to work it out, why has he not tried to get help? Going home by the way is my dream anyway. I hate it here and we had already begun to plan moving back home. Any advice? Anyone?

brutus10

Thank you, Darklight. I have already found where the meetings are and have even driven by but I am too embarrassed to go in. I also feel read it's for people living with alcoholics and I don't live with mine anymore. Will they still accept me?

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

You will find support and information here. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

You would certainly be welcome at any Alanon meeting. Alanon is the only place you can go and walk into a room full of strangers, yet everyone there knows your story. You are not alone!

I found that one hour meeting a sanctuary (after my first meeting butterflies). It was the one hour I could spend away from the chaos of what should I do, what could I do, what do I say now, etc. It was a place to be still and focus on my own needs.

There is a wealth of information in the permanent (sticky) posts at the tops of the forum pages. Some of our stories are there as well. I am always finding some new wisdom when I read those posts. Here is a link to my favorite:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I know you are wondering what your next steps should be, what your future holds, where you should be, etc. I was overwhelmed with options about my future, and doubting myself to make the right choices. I picked up the phone and called someone from my Alanon group, she listened while I cried and shared all the choices I needed to make. This was her advise:

"do you need to decide everything by 3 p.m. today?"

No, I didn't. Her advise was to give myself time. With time, more options were revealed, I was more informed, and I made decisions that gave me peace.

Do you need to decide your entire future by 8 p.m. tonight? If not, take a deep breath and focus on doing what you need to do tonight. Do that.

Don't borrow from tomorrow.

Let us know how we can help you.

kittykitty

Welcome Brutus!!

Keep reading here, there are alot of stories very similar to yours, many of us have been where you are.

One of the hardest things I ever did was walk into my first Alanon meeting. The second hardest was making that first phone call to another member to ask for help. But I'm so glad I did both of those things, they opened up a world I never even knew existed. Give it a try, what do you have to lose?

zrx1200R

Rarely.

It's not a mistake. It's a choice. You will simply be deciding to live a roller coaster with an unstable, unbalanced, unreasonable person.

They say what ever they need to say to get what they want. It's what they do.

They don't want help. They usually want to keep doing what they do with no regard for anyone else. Then something "big" happens. and some figure it out and get help. Some don't. They want US to get help for our problem. Maybe if we just work a little bit harder, it will all work out? Nah. It won't.


Run. Run away Fast. Run away as fast as you can, as far as you can, and don't look back. Really.

While you're telling yourself you should stay or shopping for opinions that match what you've already decided, do a little detective work.

Find me a story about a guy like yours who got his act together and lived happily ever after with his woman who was with him when it wasn't together. Like you are now. Maybe you will find someone who has had this success story, and can learn from them. I've never heard of it working out.

m1k3

Ask yourself this question, why would anyone choose to live with an alcoholic?

Because that is what you are choosing to do. It has taken me 13 years to finally separate from my AW (alcoholic wife). In the course of those 13 years I almost lost myself completely trying to help her get better. Thats what we codies (codependants) do. One of the most important things you can learn here is the 3c's
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

All of us are here because of our involvement with alcoholics. Read the threads, do you see any that say Wow me and my AH are doing fine? Everyone is here because they need support and because they can offer experience, strength and hope. Not hope for a happy ending with your A but hope that you can find yourself again and begin to live a normal life.

You need to decide what is best for you and to realize that there is nothing you can do to make his condition any better or any worse. His path is his. Right now your higher power is giving you the chance to walk yours.

Whatever you choose you will find strength and support here. I know I have.

Your friend,

skippernlilg

Welcome!

I remember having been in your spot, and my experience as of today tells me that so far on this thread you've received some great words of wisdom.

Remember: You did not Cause this,
You cannot Control it,
You cannot Cure it.

Be gentle with yourself first and give yourself the patience you deserve, and more will reveal itself to you. 12-Step Study for Recovery is very important for US, the family members of the alcoholic and/or addict. It's been my lifesaver.

LaPinturaBella

This may be a huge blessing in disguise...even though it hurts like hell right now. You can't help him. A change of scenery, a good job won't do it. Recovering is something HE needs to want more than he wants the alcohol. And you can't help or make him get to that point.

You've found a great place here ar SR to learn about this insidious, monstrous life-thief called alcoholism AND you'll get a lot of support from people here because, unfortunately, we've all been there. You'll also get a lot of support at Al-Anon. So don't be embarrassed...GO. This is the first step in reclaiming your life, yourself and your future!!!

brutus10

Thank you to everyone. I am feeling so very defeated right now. Just because the I wish I could save this person with all of my heart and I know now (think I always knew) that I cannot. Now what do I do with myself? The life I had and planned for is gone.......

zrx1200R

The day is young. Make a new plan. And start executing that plan tomorrow. Call me in 20 years and gloat about how happy you are.

Cyranoak

Codependent people love drama. Drama, drama, drama. Romeo and Juliet were the King and Queen of Drama. What if they didn't kill themselves? What if they accepted what they couldn't change, sought to improve themselves as individual people, and went on with their lives?

They probably would have found happiness, whether they stayed together or not. But no, they were codependent drama queens so they each killed themselves (which is what those of us trying to save alcoholics and addicts are doing-- just slower).

Bottom line? Plans change. Sometimes the new plan is even better. Any plan without an alcoholic or addict is not just better-- it's WAY BETTER!

Now start working on learning why it is you choose men like this and make sure you don't replace this one with another.

Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

Tuffgirl

I am having so much fun planning my new life (gloating early, Z). Now, that doesn't mean I don't have bad days or sad days or days where I beat the holy crap out of myself. Just that I continue to move forward planning my life.

It's not the life I thought I was signing on for. But it is the one I've got. And its the only one I get, so I intend to live it to the fullest. Period.

Your life is waiting, Brutus. Only you can live it. Enjoy!
~T

forgotten1

i bet if you think back u'll realize that truly YOU were the one doing the planning and goal setting in your relationship... i say, keep going for them

example, me and the xAbf were planning on moving to a new city we both liked by the water, starting a family, getting into the groove of careers, settling, him teaching me to sail, etc etc etc... but not ONCE did he help us get there. if anything, his alcoholism kept putting one obstacle after another on so we'd have to keep postponing or at the worst times, start again from a farther spot were were on. but now, here i am... 3.5 weeks till i move to the city near the water--and i can sign up for sailing lessons on my own... and i can start to settle in by myself... and find new friends and new connections that will support this goal...

in my opinion, i dont think he's pulling your chain when he says he wants to be with you... however words and actions are in complete conflict because he is an alcoholic. the disease is progressive... no matter how much he wants to be with you, he cant because alcohol comes first and he will do anything/everything to allow that to continue--he will do ANYTHING, as in push away logic to keep the delusion alive that he is entitled to drink.

one thing that i remember my therapist pointed out that hit home with me is that... there are alcoholics that choose alcohol over their CHILDREN (and yes, some of those stories are in this forum)... over their spouses... over their parents... etc! of course those alcoholics, somewhere deep down, would love to be able to choose their children/spouses/parents over alcohol--but they literally cannot. alcohol is what dictates their behavior--and what alcohol wants is that next drink.

he probably progressed from wanting u back to wanting u back after some time because, as im sure you already know, he wants to keep drinking... and he's going to get nastier and nastier as he feels more and more pressure to stop drinking and come back to LIFE (maybe not overtly from you, but he feels the world of reality even if he cant act in it)

brutus10

Wow, your postings have made me feel so much better. Last night I got a drunken ranting call from him at 5 am. Instead of staying on the line for hours listening and arguing, I told him to call me when he is sober and I hung up. That is one of my new boundaries!! I will not speak to him while he's drunk anymore. Thank you Zrx1200R for being so blunt. It hit home quickly and also made me laugh........

brutus10

Thanks Forgotten1 for addressing some of the questions in my initial post. Your message really has made me feel better. Don't know where in the world my self esteem went but I'm determined to find it again

endlesspatience

"He was doing so well and I can't understand why he'd throw it all away."

I'm confused. Throughout your post, you tell us that he was drinking and taking drugs, even when he changed his job and his hometown. In fact, as his addiction progressed, he took more and more. In what way is that "doing well"?

brutus10

I guess I may have explained it wrong in my post. When I met him, he was drinking and doing drugs 5 or 6 days a week. He got himself down to maybe two days a week. That's when I thought that if we moved, he'd be able to stop completely. Once we moved, it went down to heavy drinking once every weekend with no drugs. The problem was when he drank, it was a lot and every now and then spilled into the next day causing him to miss work and other family functions. So, I guess what I meant to say was that he wasn't really doing well but definitely much better than when I met him. Much, much better than when I met him. Why suddenly go back to the mess he was in before?

m1k3

Because he's an alcoholic and that's what alcoholic's do. He didn't go back, he never left.

brutus10

Well, he called me last night just to talk. I told him I had joined this group and was learing a lot. He laughed and said wtf are you in that group for, I'm not an alcoholic. I only drink a couple times a week. An alcoholic is someone who slams vodka every night. What you should be in a group for is your anger problems because that's the root of our problems. I said I'm angry because you drink too much! Am I overrreacting and he does not have a drinking problem? Have I just been completely dramatic? What exactly is an alcoholic????? He made me feel so stupid!

Thumper

You are not overreacting and you are not stupid.

IME you will never ever be understood in a discussion like that so I learned (after a few hundred of them, lol ) to not even go there.

My counselor helped me by telling me to make a list of what I need from a husband. A) I was alarmed by how hard it was to make a list. B) I could say it to him or in my head when things like this happen. I chose in my head because the circular conversations left me so vulnerable and distraught. They kept me dancing and I desperately wanted off the dance floor. She also told me that if I chose to tell him, I did not have to defend them. They were my needs. They just are and do not have to be defended. State them and stop talking.

He would have never understood anyway because to accept and understand would have put his understanding on the *other side* of the drinking and an active addict is not going to do that. I might go so far as to say they are unable to do that. Their minds protect their addiction - no matter how badly they have to twist and/or deny reality to do that.

I am not crazy, I am not stupid. I need xyz - and you are not it/can't provide it/threaten it. I said it in my head often and I found it helped.

It isn't even a slam to him. I just need this. You are that. They don't match. Sad but true. It helped me move from fantasy to reality too.