Email from AW, did I handle this right?
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
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Email from AW, did I handle this right?
Hi all. Had a bit of an emotional shock this morning when I got an eMail from my AW. I separated from her 2 weeks ago.
Mostly it was about her rehab and how she is going to AA and is off the sleeping pills. The kick in the stomach part was next week is when the family meeting day for rehab is going to take place.
I thought about this long and hard as well as discussing it with my one daughter. I thought about it from the point of view that I was reading a post on SR and I would I respond to it (detachment really helps clear up thinking). What I would have posted is how does this help your recovery. So I said to myself how does this help my recover and decided it didn't
My daughters may be interested in participating but that is due to the fact that they have children who they want to have a relationship with their grandmother assuming she gets better.
Here is what I wrote back:
Hi XXXX,
I am really glad to hear that things are going so well with your rehab. I have been working my recovery very hard and have made some good steps forward. Part of my recovery is deciding to go NC or no contact. I’m not doing this to punish you but because I lost myself in your problems and what I am working on recovering is to get me back again. At this time I am not strong enough to take part in the family meeting. If you need to get in touch with me email is the best way.
I have spoken with DD and she said that she and Husband may want to participate via phone. She is also going to talk to her sister about it.
I will let you know when I hear something.
Good luck with rehab and AA. I wish the best for you.
Love, Mike
Any input would be appreciated on how I handled this.
Thanks all
Mostly it was about her rehab and how she is going to AA and is off the sleeping pills. The kick in the stomach part was next week is when the family meeting day for rehab is going to take place.
I thought about this long and hard as well as discussing it with my one daughter. I thought about it from the point of view that I was reading a post on SR and I would I respond to it (detachment really helps clear up thinking). What I would have posted is how does this help your recovery. So I said to myself how does this help my recover and decided it didn't
My daughters may be interested in participating but that is due to the fact that they have children who they want to have a relationship with their grandmother assuming she gets better.
Here is what I wrote back:
Hi XXXX,
I am really glad to hear that things are going so well with your rehab. I have been working my recovery very hard and have made some good steps forward. Part of my recovery is deciding to go NC or no contact. I’m not doing this to punish you but because I lost myself in your problems and what I am working on recovering is to get me back again. At this time I am not strong enough to take part in the family meeting. If you need to get in touch with me email is the best way.
I have spoken with DD and she said that she and Husband may want to participate via phone. She is also going to talk to her sister about it.
I will let you know when I hear something.
Good luck with rehab and AA. I wish the best for you.
Love, Mike
Any input would be appreciated on how I handled this.
Thanks all
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Nice and calm, and making it about yourself is good, I think you did fine there.
I will say that saying you are going no contact, and then telling her that email is the best way to get in touch with you are two different things. You also say you will notify her of her children's decisions regarding the family day. That's staying in contact. You either want contact with her or you don't. This will only confuse her.
Her kids are adults, they can handle making the arrangements/communicating with her if they want to go see her, or be involved with her. Is being the middle man helping your recovery?
I will say that saying you are going no contact, and then telling her that email is the best way to get in touch with you are two different things. You also say you will notify her of her children's decisions regarding the family day. That's staying in contact. You either want contact with her or you don't. This will only confuse her.
Her kids are adults, they can handle making the arrangements/communicating with her if they want to go see her, or be involved with her. Is being the middle man helping your recovery?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
I agree with kittykitty. Let the girls pass on their decision of whether or not to participate. I'm assuming they also have email, so they can email each other and you can stay out of the loop. No contact mean just that. No.Contact.
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I guess I didn't make it clear but since it is only a separation and we share bank accounts and other finances there may be times we need to be in touch.
Could I call it minimal contact? :-)
Could I call it minimal contact? :-)
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Originally Posted by kittykitty 
Her kids are adults, they can handle making the arrangements/communicating with her if they want to go see her, or be involved with her. Is being the middle man helping your recovery?
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
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You call it whatever you want buddy! 
I've seen others say on here, those with children and such, that the contact is limited to discussions of the children, finances, etc, and nothing else. They lay it out for the ex's from the start, so they know that topics of any other nature will not be invested in... you'll hang up, delete immediately, whatever.
I have found the less specific I am with my boundaries, the easier it is for others to cross them, and the easier it is for me to convince myself it was okay and my fault they crossed them because i wasn't specific enough. Make sense?
I've seen others say on here, those with children and such, that the contact is limited to discussions of the children, finances, etc, and nothing else. They lay it out for the ex's from the start, so they know that topics of any other nature will not be invested in... you'll hang up, delete immediately, whatever. I have found the less specific I am with my boundaries, the easier it is for others to cross them, and the easier it is for me to convince myself it was okay and my fault they crossed them because i wasn't specific enough. Make sense?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
My ex would at the least argue with and often twist everything I said so I used as few words as possible. Preferably 10 or less 
I ceased to make any comments on his recovery, my recovery, the weather, or anything in between.
I think your answer was good. It was kind yet clear. I agree with letting your daughters work out their own business. Both ways. They can contact their mother and their mother can contact them. Bounce it back to them if they try to put you in the middle.
I ceased to make any comments on his recovery, my recovery, the weather, or anything in between. I think your answer was good. It was kind yet clear. I agree with letting your daughters work out their own business. Both ways. They can contact their mother and their mother can contact them. Bounce it back to them if they try to put you in the middle.
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Yeah, it makes perfect sense. Thanks for the input. This is new to me and exactly what I am looking for. I'm feeling alot better with myself since moving out and this is the first interaction I've had with her other than ignoring an earlier email. Up to now she didn't even know that I wanted to do no contact.
I guess that is part of the setting boundaries process.
Your friend,
I guess that is part of the setting boundaries process.
Your friend,
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by m1k3
I guess I didn't make it clear but since it is only a separation and we share bank accounts and other finances there may be times we need to be in touch.
Could I call it minimal contact? :-)
Could I call it minimal contact? :-)
This way, his first attempt to break the no contact was via email, which was easier for me to resist, rather than in person.
Since we don't have anything we need to talk about, and I've made it clear that I'm not reopening contact, he hasn't tried to email me for about five months, so it's no contact anyway.
Email is great. It lets you breathe a little before replying, and there's no way for them to read any emotions into what you type back if you don't want them to.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Dude...
...no contact is no contact. It's not almost no contact. It's not no contact except when I'm OK with it. It's not no contact except when (fill in the blank).
It's no contact, and it's literal.
Also, and as has been pointed out by others, please consider not doing things for other people they are capable of doing themselves-- even if (or especiallly if) they are your children. It's a major character defect in co-dependant people, it doesn't help others AT ALL, and is one I still occasionally get the urge to do today after 8 years of purging it from my system.
All of that said, when I went NC with my wife I did tell her I was doing it, and I did tell her I would decide if and when it was over, not her.
Progress not perfection.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
P.s. You are kicking ass in recovery though, and faster than I ever did. Good on ya!
It's no contact, and it's literal.
Also, and as has been pointed out by others, please consider not doing things for other people they are capable of doing themselves-- even if (or especiallly if) they are your children. It's a major character defect in co-dependant people, it doesn't help others AT ALL, and is one I still occasionally get the urge to do today after 8 years of purging it from my system.
All of that said, when I went NC with my wife I did tell her I was doing it, and I did tell her I would decide if and when it was over, not her.
Progress not perfection.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
P.s. You are kicking ass in recovery though, and faster than I ever did. Good on ya!
Originally Posted by m1k3
Very good point. I'll tell them that they can make the arrangements. I'm still kind of new at this and didn't even think of that.
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak
...no contact is no contact. It's not almost no contact. It's not no contact except when I'm OK with it. It's not no contact except when (fill in the blank).
It's no contact, and it's literal.
Also, and as has been pointed out by others, please consider not doing things for other people they are capable of doing themselves-- even if (or especiallly if) they are your children. It's a major character defect in co-dependant people, it doesn't help others AT ALL, and is one I still occasionally get the urge to do today after 8 years of purging it from my system.
All of that said, when I went NC with my wife I did tell her I was doing it, and I did tell her I would decide if and when it was over, not her.
Progress not perfection.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
P.s. You are kicking ass in recovery though, and faster than I ever did. Good on ya!
It's no contact, and it's literal.
Also, and as has been pointed out by others, please consider not doing things for other people they are capable of doing themselves-- even if (or especiallly if) they are your children. It's a major character defect in co-dependant people, it doesn't help others AT ALL, and is one I still occasionally get the urge to do today after 8 years of purging it from my system.
All of that said, when I went NC with my wife I did tell her I was doing it, and I did tell her I would decide if and when it was over, not her.
Progress not perfection.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
P.s. You are kicking ass in recovery though, and faster than I ever did. Good on ya!
Also thanks for the compliment. I sure don't feel like I'm kicking ass but I do feel like I'm getting myself back. I've been gone for a long time.
SR has been a life saver. The people here are great.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
I think your recovery progress is great, too. You're "getting it." The suggestions above are all spot on. I did like the tone of your email...it was straightforward yet kind. No blaming, no arguing, just the facts ma'am!
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
I think you are doing great as well. It never occurred to me that I could refuse to participate in the family week at rehab for my XH. I still have flashbacks to that experience---in hindsight it was horrible for me, but I didn't even know that saying no was an option!
Thanks for your posts---I'm sure they will help others to clarify their positions as well.
p.s. I agree about keeping the emails short and to the point--especially not giving them anything they can twist or use to re-engage with you. It took me years and years to learn this!
Thanks for your posts---I'm sure they will help others to clarify their positions as well.
p.s. I agree about keeping the emails short and to the point--especially not giving them anything they can twist or use to re-engage with you. It took me years and years to learn this!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
Different choices
I had a similar background: married 29 years to my AW, of which the last 15 were spent with an increasing sense of misery and frustration. At the end of a 13 day binge I was finally ready to walk, but I was also finally desperate enough to reach out for help. And once I asked for help, the wheels began turning and within 24 hours my wife was in rehab.
I was invited to family week, and for me, it was a good experience.
Prior to attending, I had a couple of Al-Anon meetings under my belt. I was a hurting pup in those days though.
A few of the good parts of attending family week: Meeting a very compassionate counselor who got me to the point where I understood that alcoholism is a disease...and although my wife is an alcoholic, it doesn't define who she is. That allowed me to forgive. And not to kid anyone, but holding on to those negative feelings was only hurting me.
I had the good fortune to meet an alcoholic in recovery who shared a little bit about his search for a more spiritual life...and that made me realize how much I missed having any sense of spirituality in my life.
I saw a lot of alcoholics and addicts walk through the doors looking like death warmed over...and in a matter of days they transformed into really engaging human beings. Some are doing well, some have relapsed, one has died...but it was good to see them with the monkey off their back. It really inspired a sense of compassion in me.
I sat in on a couple of group therapy sessions and witnessed suffering, imperfect human beings facing their demons and themselves with courage.
My wife, who I always said was a wonderful human being when she wasn't drinking, turned her type A personality to the task of making herself the best RA ever, sucessfully so far. We both went to marriage counseling. My wife has continued with individual counseling and AA. I've attended Al-Anon on a regular basis, and I made a commitment to myself to spend the past year taking a spiritual journey. I recently rededicated myself to that path.
I did not love my wife one little bit when she went into rehab. The past year has been a struggle for both of us. Things are better now, not perfect, but better. More importantly, I believe that with the help of my friends, Al-anon and my higher power I can find serenity and happiness whether my AW is drinking or not. I feel blessed that she is not, but I'm in a place where I'm prepared to accept what life throws at me.
I guess I'm challenging the idea that "no contact" is the path to freedom and happiness. I tried it with my abusive parents and thought it was working just great for the past 30 years...until I realized I'd just been stuffing my feelings for all of that time. I tried forgiveness...and I feel much lighter now. Just got back from my first family get together in 30 years. Proving it's never too late, I guess.
It's been a good year...and it really all started with that week of family therapy. Just a thought.
I was invited to family week, and for me, it was a good experience.
Prior to attending, I had a couple of Al-Anon meetings under my belt. I was a hurting pup in those days though.
A few of the good parts of attending family week: Meeting a very compassionate counselor who got me to the point where I understood that alcoholism is a disease...and although my wife is an alcoholic, it doesn't define who she is. That allowed me to forgive. And not to kid anyone, but holding on to those negative feelings was only hurting me.
I had the good fortune to meet an alcoholic in recovery who shared a little bit about his search for a more spiritual life...and that made me realize how much I missed having any sense of spirituality in my life.
I saw a lot of alcoholics and addicts walk through the doors looking like death warmed over...and in a matter of days they transformed into really engaging human beings. Some are doing well, some have relapsed, one has died...but it was good to see them with the monkey off their back. It really inspired a sense of compassion in me.
I sat in on a couple of group therapy sessions and witnessed suffering, imperfect human beings facing their demons and themselves with courage.
My wife, who I always said was a wonderful human being when she wasn't drinking, turned her type A personality to the task of making herself the best RA ever, sucessfully so far. We both went to marriage counseling. My wife has continued with individual counseling and AA. I've attended Al-Anon on a regular basis, and I made a commitment to myself to spend the past year taking a spiritual journey. I recently rededicated myself to that path.
I did not love my wife one little bit when she went into rehab. The past year has been a struggle for both of us. Things are better now, not perfect, but better. More importantly, I believe that with the help of my friends, Al-anon and my higher power I can find serenity and happiness whether my AW is drinking or not. I feel blessed that she is not, but I'm in a place where I'm prepared to accept what life throws at me.
I guess I'm challenging the idea that "no contact" is the path to freedom and happiness. I tried it with my abusive parents and thought it was working just great for the past 30 years...until I realized I'd just been stuffing my feelings for all of that time. I tried forgiveness...and I feel much lighter now. Just got back from my first family get together in 30 years. Proving it's never too late, I guess.
It's been a good year...and it really all started with that week of family therapy. Just a thought.
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Matt, thank you for the thoughtful post. I am very glad that things are moving forward with you and your wife and wish you nothing but success.
My path is different because I finally hit bottom. I told her that I couldn't do this again. It would kill me. For the 1st time since she had become trapped in this horrible disease I turned my energies to fixing me rather than fixing her. Moving out and finding SR are major pieces of my ongoing recovery.
Also, NC has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. I accept am not strong enough to be around her and not get sucked back in to the disease myself. I will NEVER go back to being that person again. At some point in the future when I am secure and strong in my recovery I may choose to initiate contact. Only I will ever be able to decide that. I am also starting to realize that recovery is a process and not a destination. I will be in recovery forever. It is the only way that I can continue to be the me that I have finally found again.
I still love my wife very much and wish her success in her recovery.
Good luck on your journey and I wish both you and your wife success.
Your friend,
My path is different because I finally hit bottom. I told her that I couldn't do this again. It would kill me. For the 1st time since she had become trapped in this horrible disease I turned my energies to fixing me rather than fixing her. Moving out and finding SR are major pieces of my ongoing recovery.
Also, NC has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. I accept am not strong enough to be around her and not get sucked back in to the disease myself. I will NEVER go back to being that person again. At some point in the future when I am secure and strong in my recovery I may choose to initiate contact. Only I will ever be able to decide that. I am also starting to realize that recovery is a process and not a destination. I will be in recovery forever. It is the only way that I can continue to be the me that I have finally found again.
I still love my wife very much and wish her success in her recovery.
Good luck on your journey and I wish both you and your wife success.
Your friend,
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