How do I say no
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Join Date: May 2011
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How do I say no
My sister is 16 months older than I. She was an alcoholic much longer before I was. Her and I were nothing but trouble when we got together. We loved to party together. She moved up north with our older sister a year ago to get help with her sobriety. Traumatic events in her childhood left her with severe depression. She was diagnosed recently with post traumatic stress disorder. With her pain due to a previous accident and the PTSD, she is unable to work. She was recently turned down for disability. I do not feel she can hold down a job. Here is my problem. She called me the other day and asked if she could come back down and live with me when I move from my current living arrangements. We are very close. We are also very dangerous together. I cannot take care of her. As it is right now, our daily conversations leave me emotionally drained and nervous due to the constant negativity and drama she has in her life. She has always been one to be the martyr. Never taking responsibility for her actions and always blaming others. Although I am the baby in the family, I have always helped my family out with either food, a place to stay, or money. When I was in dire need, I had no one to turn to. I managed to pick myself up and carry on. How do I tell her no without hurting her? I am tired of being the one for everyone else. I feel like I am being very selfish but I just can't or shall I say do not want to deal with anyone's drama. I have personal issues that I am trying to deal with myself. Thanks in advance for the advice.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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You're not being selfish at all. Doing the right thing for yourself doesn't make you selfish.
It sounds like it's time for your sister to step up and take some responsibility for her life.
I think you should tell your sister that you are working very hard on yourself and that you need time alone to do that. She might not be happy about it or understand it, but it's the best for both of you.
It sounds like it's time for your sister to step up and take some responsibility for her life.
I think you should tell your sister that you are working very hard on yourself and that you need time alone to do that. She might not be happy about it or understand it, but it's the best for both of you.
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Join Date: May 2011
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Originally Posted by lpnangel 
My sister is 16 months older than I. She was an alcoholic much longer before I was. Her and I were nothing but trouble when we got together. We loved to party together. She moved up north with our older sister a year ago to get help with her sobriety. Traumatic events in her childhood left her with severe depression. She was diagnosed recently with post traumatic stress disorder. With her pain due to a previous accident and the PTSD, she is unable to work. She was recently turned down for disability. I do not feel she can hold down a job. Here is my problem. She called me the other day and asked if she could come back down and live with me when I move from my current living arrangements. We are very close. We are also very dangerous together. I cannot take care of her. As it is right now, our daily conversations leave me emotionally drained and nervous due to the constant negativity and drama she has in her life. She has always been one to be the martyr. Never taking responsibility for her actions and always blaming others. Although I am the baby in the family, I have always helped my family out with either food, a place to stay, or money. When I was in dire need, I had no one to turn to. I managed to pick myself up and carry on. How do I tell her no without hurting her? I am tired of being the one for everyone else. I feel like I am being very selfish but I just can't or shall I say do not want to deal with anyone's drama. I have personal issues that I am trying to deal with myself. Thanks in advance for the advice.
In AA we talked about how "selfish" the program is. It is in fact selfish but in a healthy way. You can't project the future but "past performance is usually a good indicator of future results." LOL Help her in other ways that keep her within healthy boundaries. There are other services she can tap into. I think you need to take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
She may feel hurt, but you aren't the one who came to her, she came to you. It's not your responsibility how she feels... sure, no one wants to say "no" to a loved one, but sometimes "no" is the only right answer...
If you don't put your sobriety before everything else, you will lose, everything else.
If you don't put your sobriety before everything else, you will lose, everything else.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
One of the most important things I have done in sobriety is learn to have healthy boundaries with my family. I was also the baby and also the care-taker. No one helped me when I had problems and by the time I got sober I wasn't going to ask them for help since they had failed me so many times in that area of my life.
I am still working on this, but learning to put yourself first is really important. You need to say "no" to your sister and be prepared for it being really hard but also a massive relief once you say it.
xoxo,
Tina
I am still working on this, but learning to put yourself first is really important. You need to say "no" to your sister and be prepared for it being really hard but also a massive relief once you say it.
xoxo,
Tina
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,352
Taking care of yourself is not selfish lpnangel.
I don't think there is a way to say no without her being hurt - she will probably not be pleased with your decision - but it just may be the opportunity for her to do what you did - pick herself up and carry on
stand firm
D
I don't think there is a way to say no without her being hurt - she will probably not be pleased with your decision - but it just may be the opportunity for her to do what you did - pick herself up and carry on
stand firm
D
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 1,193
Hi, I'm new here and I don't have any answers. :-( But I just wanted to say I can relate to this. My sister and I are very close and we both have healthy and unhealthy aspects of our personalities and in the past we have drawn out the unhealthy in each other. :-( In my situation I am the sister with the worse problems. I rely on her for support to the extent that I feel bad if I'm burdening her. (She never says that I do but I feel guilty.) I feel her life is healthy now, at least much healthier than mine and I am trying to make mine healthy. I guess I wonder if we will always be bad influences on each other or if we can be good influences on each other. I have never asked her for help and in fact she has lived with me for free before (just for fun and because I didn't want to charge her, not because she needed help), but at one point I pretty much lived with her for a month because my own life was in shambles. And not because of alcohol (although I wasn't helping matters by over-indulging as a way to cope) but because I was unhappy with my life and iddn't know how to change things and had gone through some very rought personal times. She has always encouraged me to stay or live with her if I need to. I feel I would do the same for her.
But we are both aiming to live healthy lives, I don't know what I would do if she was an absolute mess and I was trying to take care of my own issues and also help her. I just don't know because we are so close and I could never turn her down when she needed help and I would die if she turned me down. I think I would just die. But on the other hand I can see how two people can be co-dependent on each other and enable each other and I'm sure there has to come a time when you separate and put yourself first. I know I'm not helping you, maybe I'm making things worse but your post really resonated with me and I have no idea what to tell you to tell her.
I guess if my sister said that she was dealing with her own problems and having me come stay with her would makes things much worse for her, I love her enough to respect her wishes even though I would feel crushed. I'm not sure if your sister has helped you out in the past or if it's a one-way street? Perhaps that has something to do with it. My sister and I have always helped each other out so it has been mutual support as well as ironically mutual bad influences at times although I think I have been a worse influence on her overall. :-( So anyway I Do agree that you need to put yourself first and if this would be bad for you and she couldn't respect your boundaries, you cannot have her come live with you. I just also understand your angst about it being your sister. Good luck.
But we are both aiming to live healthy lives, I don't know what I would do if she was an absolute mess and I was trying to take care of my own issues and also help her. I just don't know because we are so close and I could never turn her down when she needed help and I would die if she turned me down. I think I would just die. But on the other hand I can see how two people can be co-dependent on each other and enable each other and I'm sure there has to come a time when you separate and put yourself first. I know I'm not helping you, maybe I'm making things worse but your post really resonated with me and I have no idea what to tell you to tell her.
I guess if my sister said that she was dealing with her own problems and having me come stay with her would makes things much worse for her, I love her enough to respect her wishes even though I would feel crushed. I'm not sure if your sister has helped you out in the past or if it's a one-way street? Perhaps that has something to do with it. My sister and I have always helped each other out so it has been mutual support as well as ironically mutual bad influences at times although I think I have been a worse influence on her overall. :-( So anyway I Do agree that you need to put yourself first and if this would be bad for you and she couldn't respect your boundaries, you cannot have her come live with you. I just also understand your angst about it being your sister. Good luck.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
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Well, Ipnangel, I have to follow the consensus of the thread...I feel that by you accepting her into your life, your life will again be unmanagable. You will jeapordize your newfound sanity.
I would just tell her that you can't afford to have her move in with you...both financially and mentally. YOU need to do what is right for YOU!
I would just tell her that you can't afford to have her move in with you...both financially and mentally. YOU need to do what is right for YOU!
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
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I'm sure this is really difficult for you. I think you have to let your sister know how much you love her and would like to help her, but you need time and space to get your own life together.
It's suggested in AA (and rightly so, I think) that we don't make any major life changes in the first year of sobriety if we can help it. Your home is your sanctuary and it's no small matter to allow someone to live you. It would be stressful even if you didn't have the feelings you do.
You can even tell her how much you've wrestled with this and felt some guilt over it, but it's just not the right time for you.
It's suggested in AA (and rightly so, I think) that we don't make any major life changes in the first year of sobriety if we can help it. Your home is your sanctuary and it's no small matter to allow someone to live you. It would be stressful even if you didn't have the feelings you do.
You can even tell her how much you've wrestled with this and felt some guilt over it, but it's just not the right time for you.
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