New member story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: western pennsylvania
Posts: 5
New member story
Hello. I guess I will just jump right in and tell you my story. Any advice anyone can give will be greatly appreciated.
I have been married for 19 years this comming Saturday. I am the mother of two teen boys. I am 47 and my husband is 46. My husband is an alcoholic, an alcoholic who won't admit it. His father was an alcoholic but stopped drinking when my husband was about 22-23. Husband's father side of the family is loaded with high functioning alcoholics, including my father in law.
I used to like to like to 'party' with my husband waaay back before we had kids and a home and responsibilities. Over the years, the more he drank the less I did. He would complain that I wasn't fun anymore...he would complain about this alot. I have always been honest, always. I call 'em as I see 'em and my husband never liked this as he grew up in a 'hush, hush' home. Even to this day his father's alcoholism is NEVER discussed and they (the family) act like there never WAS a drinking problem. Husband has told me some stories and his dad was a mean, hateful, violent alcoholic!
I beleive he had a nervous breakdown one night in 2005 when the boys and I were out. He had been drinking all day at the bar. We came home to a destroyed house (broken things, holes in wall, broke things in youngest son's room-youngest son is husband's 'favorite' so this is confusing). he took his rifle and was gone when we returned home. He did return a few hours after that. The next day he acted like no big deal!
About three years ago my husband had a month long fling (found his soul-mate) with a co-worker. Long story short I had her fired and she broke it off with my husband. His drinking escalated to an almost unbearable degree. Fast foward to last fall. Almost to the day (of first affair)husband began an affair with an alcoholic/bipolar family aquaintace who hangs out at the bar my husband does. She is 43 and white trash.
This new woman is now the love of his life. The woman he has been waiting forever for. He is no longer in love with me and only loves me as the mother of his children. Like I said, she is an alcoholic, never married with two teen daughters, and a host of other 'mental' issues along with her A/BP. I could write a book on this woman and her problems. Her father was an alcoholic and died from the disease this past CHristmas. She does not work and her mother supports her. Basically a trashy bar skank with a pretty face.
On January 1st my husband moved out to an apartment close to his girlfriends and filed for divorce. He basically abandond the family. Has very little to do with his son's or I. They were going to move in together but she couldn't find a three bedroom apartment. She does stay at his apartment and keeps all her things there. Her 18 &14 year old basically live alone down the street. They will be moving together along with her 18 & 14 year old daughters come September.
There is so much more to the story, but that's neither here nor there. I beleive my husband is having a mid life crisis along with his alcoholism.
I'm in counseling, I go to alanon. My boys won't go to either. I keep an open communication with them and they know their father is an alcoholic and it runs in the family. Also three years ago he was diagnosed with clinical depression. He never went back to the therapist after that.
I am very confused by his actions of the last 7 months. Up until 2007 he seemed like a good guy who had morals and a good work ethic. THe past 3 years have been chaotic, his drinking was out of control but he wouldn't admit it because he only drinks beer. Now that he is with the gf he is also drinking wiskey and vodka (like his dad did). The gf gets violent (mixing booze and pills and BP meds-not a good combo), now my husband is getting violent. He was always the 'happy drunk', a 'good time charlie with a harley' type of guy. He acts like a teen in love, very jealous, angry...basically the total opposite of what I have known him to be for over 20 years.
I have not had any problem maintaining no contact with him as he has very little contact with anyone in this family, his family, our friends we've had for 20 years. His new friends are her friends and they are ALL alcoholics and drug addicts.
What is going on? Is he on a fast track to hitting bottom or is he going to die before he does?
Sorry my story is so long! I am so hurt, confused, sad and angry for what has transpired these past seven months.
I have been married for 19 years this comming Saturday. I am the mother of two teen boys. I am 47 and my husband is 46. My husband is an alcoholic, an alcoholic who won't admit it. His father was an alcoholic but stopped drinking when my husband was about 22-23. Husband's father side of the family is loaded with high functioning alcoholics, including my father in law.
I used to like to like to 'party' with my husband waaay back before we had kids and a home and responsibilities. Over the years, the more he drank the less I did. He would complain that I wasn't fun anymore...he would complain about this alot. I have always been honest, always. I call 'em as I see 'em and my husband never liked this as he grew up in a 'hush, hush' home. Even to this day his father's alcoholism is NEVER discussed and they (the family) act like there never WAS a drinking problem. Husband has told me some stories and his dad was a mean, hateful, violent alcoholic!
I beleive he had a nervous breakdown one night in 2005 when the boys and I were out. He had been drinking all day at the bar. We came home to a destroyed house (broken things, holes in wall, broke things in youngest son's room-youngest son is husband's 'favorite' so this is confusing). he took his rifle and was gone when we returned home. He did return a few hours after that. The next day he acted like no big deal!
About three years ago my husband had a month long fling (found his soul-mate) with a co-worker. Long story short I had her fired and she broke it off with my husband. His drinking escalated to an almost unbearable degree. Fast foward to last fall. Almost to the day (of first affair)husband began an affair with an alcoholic/bipolar family aquaintace who hangs out at the bar my husband does. She is 43 and white trash.
This new woman is now the love of his life. The woman he has been waiting forever for. He is no longer in love with me and only loves me as the mother of his children. Like I said, she is an alcoholic, never married with two teen daughters, and a host of other 'mental' issues along with her A/BP. I could write a book on this woman and her problems. Her father was an alcoholic and died from the disease this past CHristmas. She does not work and her mother supports her. Basically a trashy bar skank with a pretty face.
On January 1st my husband moved out to an apartment close to his girlfriends and filed for divorce. He basically abandond the family. Has very little to do with his son's or I. They were going to move in together but she couldn't find a three bedroom apartment. She does stay at his apartment and keeps all her things there. Her 18 &14 year old basically live alone down the street. They will be moving together along with her 18 & 14 year old daughters come September.
There is so much more to the story, but that's neither here nor there. I beleive my husband is having a mid life crisis along with his alcoholism.
I'm in counseling, I go to alanon. My boys won't go to either. I keep an open communication with them and they know their father is an alcoholic and it runs in the family. Also three years ago he was diagnosed with clinical depression. He never went back to the therapist after that.
I am very confused by his actions of the last 7 months. Up until 2007 he seemed like a good guy who had morals and a good work ethic. THe past 3 years have been chaotic, his drinking was out of control but he wouldn't admit it because he only drinks beer. Now that he is with the gf he is also drinking wiskey and vodka (like his dad did). The gf gets violent (mixing booze and pills and BP meds-not a good combo), now my husband is getting violent. He was always the 'happy drunk', a 'good time charlie with a harley' type of guy. He acts like a teen in love, very jealous, angry...basically the total opposite of what I have known him to be for over 20 years.
I have not had any problem maintaining no contact with him as he has very little contact with anyone in this family, his family, our friends we've had for 20 years. His new friends are her friends and they are ALL alcoholics and drug addicts.
What is going on? Is he on a fast track to hitting bottom or is he going to die before he does?
Sorry my story is so long! I am so hurt, confused, sad and angry for what has transpired these past seven months.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 284
"What is going on? Is he on a fast track to hitting bottom or is he going to die before he does?" Yes, he is on his way to hitting bottom. Don't fall for the myht that alcoholics hit bottom and then "see the light." Many don't.
I am so sorry. Your husband has only one mistress - alcohol. These other women allow him to have his mistress and you won't. Keep going to AlAnon.
Sure, he drank, but with us alcoholics, everything is okay when we drink, until one day it's not. Your husband is in the 'not okay" phase. I hope he stops drinking, but he might not. Don't let your boys ride in the car with him - my cousin was killed last weekend riding in the car with her drunk husband, something she did a lot. Nothing ever happened, until it did. And now she's dead.
Stay strong and make a very elaborate plan B.
I am so sorry. Your husband has only one mistress - alcohol. These other women allow him to have his mistress and you won't. Keep going to AlAnon.
Sure, he drank, but with us alcoholics, everything is okay when we drink, until one day it's not. Your husband is in the 'not okay" phase. I hope he stops drinking, but he might not. Don't let your boys ride in the car with him - my cousin was killed last weekend riding in the car with her drunk husband, something she did a lot. Nothing ever happened, until it did. And now she's dead.
Stay strong and make a very elaborate plan B.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: western pennsylvania
Posts: 5
I am so sorry for your loss. How terrible and tragic. My sympathies.
No I have never let my boys ride in the car with him. And now neither want anything to do with him so I don't see that in the future.
Plus they both drive. They have been lecutred , again and again (only by me of course) on drinking and driving.
Again, my condolences.
TW
No I have never let my boys ride in the car with him. And now neither want anything to do with him so I don't see that in the future.
Plus they both drive. They have been lecutred , again and again (only by me of course) on drinking and driving.
Again, my condolences.
TW
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
Hi Twowolves
Welcome
I don't know your husband - but I know that the people I was hanging with at the end of my drinking career were the very people I would have crossed the street to avoid at the start of my drinking years.
Alcoholism is progressive - it saps our self esteem, our judgement, our perceptions, our sense of responsibility.
The only thing that really mattered to me at the end was getting drunk - and I gravitated to the kind of people that made that happen.
I hope your husband has an 'a-ha' moment like I did before it's too late.
I'm really pleased to see you're taking care of yourself and have support like counselling and AlAnon.
D
Welcome
I don't know your husband - but I know that the people I was hanging with at the end of my drinking career were the very people I would have crossed the street to avoid at the start of my drinking years.
Alcoholism is progressive - it saps our self esteem, our judgement, our perceptions, our sense of responsibility.
The only thing that really mattered to me at the end was getting drunk - and I gravitated to the kind of people that made that happen.
I hope your husband has an 'a-ha' moment like I did before it's too late.
I'm really pleased to see you're taking care of yourself and have support like counselling and AlAnon.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: western pennsylvania
Posts: 5
Can alcoholism change a persons personality so drastically seeminly overnight?
Do alcholics truly crave stability? Because we had a stable home. He went to work, I stayed home and raised the kids, although I did work on and off part-time. We had dinner every night. He played horsehoes once a week. The kids had their sports we went to. He rarely drank more than a couple beers a week-end and never ever any hard liquor. Up until the end of 2007 things were relatively fine...we were a happy American family.
Also, is there any information on ACOA?
Do alcholics truly crave stability? Because we had a stable home. He went to work, I stayed home and raised the kids, although I did work on and off part-time. We had dinner every night. He played horsehoes once a week. The kids had their sports we went to. He rarely drank more than a couple beers a week-end and never ever any hard liquor. Up until the end of 2007 things were relatively fine...we were a happy American family.
Also, is there any information on ACOA?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
I don't know how overnight my change was because I was in the midst of it, I'm sorry...
I didn't crave stability tho, no - I called it 'adventure' or 'living on the edge' or being an outlaw - but really I craved whatever conditions made it easiest for me to drink.
D
I didn't crave stability tho, no - I called it 'adventure' or 'living on the edge' or being an outlaw - but really I craved whatever conditions made it easiest for me to drink.
D
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
TwoWolves - These changes can happen very fast. Alcohol / drugs can take over quickly. I went from drinking about twice a year to drinking daily in one night. This started in my early 30's, which is late for most people.
He sounds very selfish. I wish you all, especially your sons, the best.
He sounds very selfish. I wish you all, especially your sons, the best.
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Hi Two Wolves. I have nothing illuminating to say about your partner, he will stay on the road he is on until he wants something better.
I am impressed by your clarity of mind, boldness, commitment to your values and your sons in the midst of the tragedy and turmoil.
I am impressed by your clarity of mind, boldness, commitment to your values and your sons in the midst of the tragedy and turmoil.
is really trying!
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: On the road to serenity via soberville
Posts: 236
Hey TwoWolves, just wanted to echo the other replies. You are obviously a strong & capable woman & a great Mum. I'm very sorry for the awful situation you are in.
Definitely continue with the AlAnon - I hope you have some supportive friends also.
Wishing you a happier tomorrow.
Definitely continue with the AlAnon - I hope you have some supportive friends also.
Wishing you a happier tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi 2 wolves and welcome to SR. I am so sorry about what you are going through. Yes alcohol can have huge effects on a person and I This k it can effect you very gradually until you hit a tipping point and then everything accelerates.
I think you are doing everything right for your family. Stay strong and take care of yourself. I will send out a little prayer that your husband gets well.
I think you are doing everything right for your family. Stay strong and take care of yourself. I will send out a little prayer that your husband gets well.
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