outonalimb

My exah is an alcoholic.

I divorced him almost 6 years ago.

I tried to reconcile (BIG mistake) with him but I kicked him out of my home about 5 weeks ago because his drinking was out of control and his behavior was becoming irrational.

I tried for years to salvage the relationship between exah and me because I wanted my son to have an "in tact family".

It was wrong of me. My motives were pure but it was really very ignorant and stupid of me to think things would ever change with the ex.

If I could go back, I would have never looked back after our divorce was final because by trying to reconcile, I subjected my son to alot of tension in our home...alot of fights between his father and I...about his continued drinking and a laundry list of resentments that go along with it.

I know I did the right thing 5 weeks ago when I kicked him out. It was long overdue but I did it. And I"m glad.
I know its the right thing because I've finally reached the point that I have no feelings left for my exah.
I also know it was the right thing to do because my son and I are living in a peaceful environment - free of all the drama and chaos that comes when living with an active alcoholic.

My son is attending alateen now and he really likes it.
He saw a counselor on a short-term basis and he seems to be doing okay.

He's just very angry at his dad right now.
He refuses to respond to his dad's texts and phone messages.
He doesn't want to see his dad.
He says he hates his dad right now.

On one hand, I respect his feelings - he's certainly entitled to them -
and I respect the boundary he has established for himself.

I just worry that this anger will eat him up.

I guess I just worry that something will happen to his dad (it could because he is very depressed and drinking more than ever now that I kicked him out) and my son is going to have to live with some kind of guilt if something happens and he hasn't had a chance to resolve things with his dad.

But then again, maybe he'll never be able to resolve tihngs if his dad continues to drink.

I just want to do the right thing for my son. I want to do what's healthiest for him... HE is my first priority.

As ACOAs, do you have any advice you can offer about any of this? About what I can do to help my son? What I can say to him to help him deal with all of this besides telling him that I love him and assure him that it will be okay...that' WE'LL be okay....no matter what decisions his dad makes...

He's 12 years old by the way...

Thanks in advance for any insight or suggestions you can offer...

Mary

DesertEyes

Hello there "out", and welcome to this little corner of recovery.

* raises hand * That would be me

My parents were both alcoholics, and they never separated. I don't know _why_, but as I child it would have made no difference what the reasons were. By the time I was 12 I realized this family was nuts, I walked out the door and never looked back.

I grew up hating my old man for everything he did to us. It took some year, a couple of good therapists and working my program of recovery but I finally let go of that hate. Instead I now feel sad for that poor drunk who was never able to find his own recovery and died without ever having the depth of life I have found.

If that does happen, then it will be _his_ choice to make in _his_ life. Your job is _not_ to make his choices for him.

That's what happened to me. My father died and I hadn't seen him in _decades_. We never reconciled. But _I_ reconciled with my HP. I let go of that anger and realized that my father and I each made our own choices. I choose to go no contact because he was harmful to me and my own kids. I have no regrets, no anger and no guilt. He chose to be only the biological accident of my existence, and not to be a father. I chose not to give my love to a man who had not _earned_ it.

Your son can reconcile with his biological father even if the old man is dead. Reconciliation happens between us and our HP, it's a change in our expectations of another being as a result of our relationship with our HP.

As I was growing up there were a number of adults who happened thru my life. A couple of teachers, a couple of priests, some neighbors. These people lived a normal, healthy life and showed me, thru their actions, that there other ways to _be_ that did not involve the chaos of alcoholism. These were the adults that inspired me, motivated me and that I still remember today as the "mentors" that guided me. They were the closest thing I had to real "parents".

From what you have shared in this post, and over time in other places around SR, it seems to me that you are giving your son something I never had. A _real_ mom. You are doing your best for him, and even admiting when you are wrong and doing different. I can't imagine a better mother than that.

I think that as long as you stick to your recovery, keep doing what you are doing, that you are going to be just fine. Your son has a fine Mom to depend on. You have nothing to worry in that area. As your son grows and matures it will become _his_ responsibility and decision to respond to your example in a healthy way.

Me? You have no idea how much it would have meant to me if I had ever had a family member that cared for me the way you obviously care for your boy. I think you are going to be just fine.

Mike

bluebelle

My dad is an alcoholic, and I have never had much of any relationship with him. I saw him a few times before I was 7, and then not until I was in my mid-30's. I stayed in touch with him for about two years before he disappeared again. I have not tried to contact him because of his behaviors.

I don't have any regrets about not being around him as a kid, because he is such a mess. My mom is an addict, but I am thankful that she made some effort to raise me.

I think that it is great that your son is working witha counselor. I also think the Alateen is good. He is at a really difficult age, and it is important that you are there for him. As a kid, I felt very lonely and different because of my parents' addictions. What helped me the most is that I had loving and stable adults around me. I had grandparents who would spend time with me and take me places. I had teachers and adults in the church who were great role models. I was really helped by other activities that I did like work, volunteering through the church, playing music, etc. I think it is important that your son build ways that he can feel better and connected to others.

I think that just that fact that you care and that you are aware of his struggles is a big step. Also, especially since he's approaching his teen years, showing you care may involve setting boundaries regarding his behavior. The most important thing you can do is take care of yourself. He might not have a father around, but you want to make sure that you will be around.

outonalimb

Well...Mike...you went and made me cry. Thanks for your kind words and for sharing so much wisdom with me. It really struck me when you said my son gets to be angry if he wants and I can't make that choice for him. I know you're right. I've told him all along that he is entitled to be angry and I understand why he's made but the mom in me just wants to make it all better, ya know? And I can't. And that pisses me off.

I didn't want any of this for him. I tried to make an unworkable relationship work because I wanted my son to have a happy, in-tact family. And there were moments where we were happy...

Nothing is ever black and white...

But I'm trying to remember something someone very wise told me once...that God doesn't have any grandchildren and my son is going to have to work these things out with his HP....

All I can do is try to be the best mom I know how. And somehow, that's going to have to be enough. Its just not what I wanted or pictured for him but I guess that's life. It's just hard to accept sometimes.

And bluebell...my heart goes out to you...I'm glad you had some stable, loving adults around to help you navigate... My son does too. You give me alot of hope that everything's going to be okay even if things doen't go according to plan...

Thanks to both of you...
Your words mean so much to me this morning...

Mary

dollydo

Living with an alcoholic does not make for a happy in-tact family. Unfortunately, it is just the opposite, I know both my parents were/are alcoholics, my dad passed last year, my mother is going on 86 and still drinking.

I had to work through my feelngs, I had to make the choice to interact with them or not. It had to be my choice.

Your son needs time to work thru all of this that was not his choice to be subjected to.

As a parent, nothing is cut and dried, I know that you are the best parent you can be, your son knows that, support him by giving him time to work through his anger and disappointment. Don't awfulize that your ex will die before your son and he makes amends, you are overthinking and projecting, and confusing the whole issue. You are not powerful enough to control the future, for you or your son.

Don't be hard on yourself, we all make mistakes, and yet we all survive and learn from them.

Take care, be proud, sounds like you have a great son!

outonalimb

Darklight...thank you for this. I know you're right. I've been thinking alot lately about how my codependency has effected my parenting. I can't fix everything for my son even though I want to. I can't protect him from things that are beyond my control. I know this know...but it really took me years to get here...to a point where I can actually ACCEPT this fact.

And Dollydo...you are always the voice of calm reason around here. Thank you. Its really hard to look at the mistakes I've made as a mom. It really is. It hurts so much to realize that I've done things that have hurt my son even though at the time I really thought I was doing the "right" thing by him.

When we know better, we do better...right?
I just wish I wasn't such a slow learner.

Thanks to everyone for your feedback. It means so much to me!!

Mary

cymbal

I wanted to post something that I didn't see mentioned.

Anger is a part of grief.

I'm glad that you were the one to initiate the separation because your son will know you tried, and you two can grieve the intact family (dream) together.

Just please let him know over and over that it wasn't his fault (didn't cause). I don't know if they stress the Three c's in Alateen. I'm so glad he goes, and he's gone to counseling.

My parents split when I was around your son's age, and I felt responsible but glad because no more fighting.

I agree with all the others about allowing your son to feel his emotions.
I suggested to mine to read,"Make Anger Your Ally,"by Neil C. Warren.
Its okay to feel all the range of emotions with grief. Its unhealthy to become stuck. It is also unhealthy to stuff one's feelings. Its so much better to get them out. I didn't feel like I was allowed to have my own feelings.

Thanks for letting me share!