tjp613

You've just been on my mind and I'm sure there are many who are thinking of you, too. How are you doing this week? ((((Hugs))))

m1k3

Agreed, I hope things are going well.

Your friend,

lillamy

Yes. That. What they said. (((hugs)))

StarCat

Much love and prayers heading your direction.

LaPinturaBella

Did you and your sweet boy get out of town for a few days??? Hope things are calming down with all of the advice and that you are feeling clearer and better!

Cyranoak

Dude.

Shellcrusher

I'm here gang. Thanks for checking in on me.

Monday was a holiday so we planted flowers and yesterday was my son's birthday. I took it off and went to the zoo with the family, including my in-laws. It was a nice day. He's back to school today and was a little naughty this morning. He wanted to play with his truck this morning. Sorry bud.

Even though the intervention had some blameshifting going on, my in-laws remain supportive and they're trying to remain positive. My parents on the other hand are pissed about the whole thing. They won't even come to my son's birthday party next weekend and I'm pretty angry about that. I can't expect them to want to be around people who they have issues with but I think this is more about seeing their grandson than dealing with their own emotions. My mom is the worst about it, one of my sisters never even called me and the other won't return my calls now. My Dad is being diplomatic about things but he sets very firm boundaries.

I'm just taking things day by day right now.

littlefish

Sweetie: this is not about your mom or your dad. It is not about them. I am a recovered alcoholic AND a codie. I see codie in your posts screaming out.

You do not have to please your parents or her parents. You do not have to do any service there. I know what I am talking about because I have been there most of my life, being codie to my own alcoholic parents and brothers. I have BEEN THERE. I have done the codie dance most of my life. I still do it with my husband and kids. Gah! I have to remind myself all the time: stop being codie! Stop being codie!!!

This is between you and your wife. All your posts reflect that you think it is between the parents, hers, yours, etc, etc. No. It is not about that.

The discussion that should be happening is between you and your wife and no one else. No more mother in law, no more parents. It is just you saying: "I can't handle your drinking and drugging anymore. I want a life without the drugs and alcohol, and if you continue, I will divorce you."

My husband? Never gave me that ultimatum. All he said was that he was sick and tired of my drinking. I gave myself the ultimatum. I went into rehab, I quit, I went to AA.

If your wife is not ready for that, then you have to be ready for it. I'm sorry to say it, but this disease is a killer.

m1k3

Littlefish is absolutely right. It helps if you can shut out the background voices and think about what you want and what is right for you and your son. And be sure whatever you do you are doing it because it is right for you. Don't stay or go because you think that will be the support or catalyst for her to get better. She will get better when she is ready to get better. It took me 13 years to learn that lesson. Be strong for you and your son and let everyone else deal with their problems their way, and that includes your wife.

Your friend,

Shellcrusher

Yep, tons of codie statements made. That's my recovery to work.
I'm just pissed off that my family won't come see their grandson.

Tuffgirl

Ok, so take him to them. He won't know the difference. And it shows you have respect and compassion for their feelings. Remaining neutral is hard for families. My MIL & FIL are in town...do you think they have made any attempt to contact me or my daughters? Nope. It's ok, though. This is the way they cope, so its not really about me at all, is it? I can choose to take it personally and be hurt and angry by it or have compassion for them as the imperfect people they are.

Just a humble suggestion. Sometimes we get so caught up in our justifiable indignation that we forget they (our family) are people too.

P.S. I really don't care a whole lot for the in-laws, so the no contact really is a blessing in that way! I think they are all a little weird. ; )

GettingBy

Oh, all those outside voices can sure mess with your head!! I know - they had me all spun out this week!!!

I really like what Littlefish said, Shellcrusher. It's between you and your wife. You're the one who has to live with her - and if the drinking & associated behavior is unacceptable - that's it.

It's so simple... but it sure ain't easy.

ANEWAUGUST

I too echo what Littlefish said. I too am an alcoholic, a codie and an ACOA.

I know it hurts right now...but, years from now, this birthday will take its rightful place among the other birthdays. Though it is a celebration of your sons life, it is also another day in the midst of an alcoholic tornado.

This is about you, your wife, and your son. Healing and recovery will take time for both of you. Once that all has begun, then you try to re-establish your relationships with extended family.

Sometimes the most healthy thing for all involved is to just step back and work inwardly toward a solid foundation of recovery.

Then, you can build upon that.

blueblooms14

This is a more extreme example, but I just wanted to mention that sometimes things turn out unexpectedly well when family draws a line.

My family completely cut me off when I was in a very destructive codie phase a few years back- a very dangerous relationship. They did it politely, and said (paraphrasing), "It hurts us too much to watch you destroying yourself. We can't anymore. Call us when you're completely done with XH. We'll be here." It hurt, and was very scary at least in part because it left me all alone in the situation. But in retrospect, it was VERY good for me. I'm very grateful that they defined and held their boundaries. No one waffled, not once.

It isn't the same as your situation or what your family is doing, but I just thought I'd mention it.