CKN

Hello all,

My father turned me onto this website about 2 weeks ago, because it has been such a huge help to him. My mother is a long time alcoholic and sleeping pill abuser and my father finally had enough after her last binge and left her. He is in his own apartment and on the way to recovery (so proud of you Dad). I had moved out 10 years ago, then 3 years ago moved halfway across the country. I have a great husband and 2 wonderful sons, ages 7 and 4. My sister however, still lives very close to home with her husband and 3 children. During my mothers last binge, she had been babysitting for my sister and blamed her "crash" on my sister and her children. My sister has had no contact with her since that day and will not let my mom see the kids until she finishes rehab. This is her fourth time in rehab. She has been in rehab for a few weeks now, but she doesnt take it seriously. She laughed about people in AA still needing a pat on the back after 1 year.
My question is how to handle my next step. My father says I should start the no contact right away, which living so far away means cutting out the phone calls. I should give her no explanation just stop taking the calls. My husband however, wants me to give her a huge explanation and tell her about all the terrible things that she has done to me, like ruining my wedding then passing out in the parking lot. He says that she should feel bad for everything that she has done to me, my sister, and our families. I am not sure what would be best. Any advice would be great!

Thanks!!

barb dwyer

Welcome!

I hope you'll find the support here that's helped so many.

namely - 'me' .. for starters!

You've got two people you love
telling you to do two things
that are at opposite sides of the same scale.

I hope you can see that both
are telling you to do
something that THEY want done.

Or -
that THEY want to SEE done TO your mother.

You will be happier if you make up your own mind.

SR offers the kind of support you can use
to make your own decision on the matter.

Again - WELCOME!

m1k3

Barb, Just to shed a little more light on this. CKN was planning on doing NC, she just wasn't sure if she should have one last talk discussing all the issues mentioned above.

My feeling is AW/AM isn't in a position to actually listen and it would just turn into another fight/denial fest.

Either way I'm fine with any choices she makes because I believe she will make the right one for her.

BTW, thank you for all the good advice you have given and for being the ONLY person to appreciate my Haiku. :-)


PS. At least this is the way I understood what she was asking me when I gave her my opinion. I will admit I could be wrong and don't want to suggest NC for her if that's not what she is looking for.

Zube

You can carry the message, but you cannot carry the alcoholic.

Al-Anon might be a good start for your own sanity.

Good Luck,
Zube

barb dwyer

OOhhhhh.

StarCat

If you want to go NC, the way to choose how to go about it is to decide what you'd be most comfortable with. Recognize that alcoholics aren't going to validate your feelings when they're active with their addiction, so whatever you do - talking or just dropping off the face of the earth - has to be what you want.

If you had no expectations regarding a reaction on your mother's part, what course of action would make you the most comfortable, and better able to continue forward with the plan you've decided upon without running through "should haves" in your mind?

zrx1200R

I don't think your husband has a dog in this fight. YOU should make your decision. And that decision should be what you think is best for you. And fantastic husband needs to be just that; -- Fantastic. He should support your endeavor and keep his pie hole shut.

I can say pie hole, right? No one is offended? Ok, if pie hole offended you please feel free to substitute "cake hole" instead. I don't wish to discriminate against those who don't like pie, or fruits etc.

You dad is probably in the best position to offer an informed opinion.

Cyranoak

In my opinion, as the husband of an alcoholic wife and who has sufferred his share of pain, your husband is completely wrong. What good would come of it? Would you feel better? Would it change anything? Would it improve your life or that of your mother?

Nothing good would come of it, you'd only feel better until the guilt of saying it set in or at all, nothing would change, your life would not improve because of it, and neither would your mother's.

What does help is letting it go, detaching (with love if possible, but if not still detaching), and going no contact so as not to be drawn back in to the drama.

Good luck,

My two cents.

Cyranoak

P.s. Your husband is wrong. We're adults, not spiteful, vengeful children.

CKN

Thank you everyone for the advice. Just to clarify slightly, I had planned on cutting her off, on way or another. My husband is wonderful man and he thought that me explaining to her the reasons why I was going NC would be to my benefit. He thinks that I if I get out the anger that I feel towards her that it will help me heal. He only has my best interests in mind. He will support any decision that I make, just that I know my Dad will. I understand that the decision in the end is mine. I do appreciate the advice though.