Starting no contact again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 14
Starting no contact again
After 10 days of no contact with exabf. Codie came back today and sent him a text. I moved three months ago but it is still so difficult to stay away from him. He is my addiction. I read Codependent No More right after I left. I am reading it again so hopefully it helps. This process seems to be one step forward two steps back. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
I think it is safe to say that we rarely get it right the first time (or the second or third, in my case). Try not to be too hard on yourself. As long as I learn from my mistakes, they aren't wasted. I'm right where I need to be, and so are you.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi startover
Yes it feels that way. It has been 2 years for me now, since I went NC with an EXABF.
But we keep moving forward.
XABF keeps drinking and being the selfish person he has always been.
I am feeling as healthy as ever, even when there are some bad days or bad weeks.
I am starting to love myself. And I am starting to give value to what I do have, and for the people that care about ME. And I like myself more. I look better too. And the people around me are very uplifting, actually SEE me, and make me laugh.
I also feel slightly more loved and slightly more centered. This is priceless.
The best is yet to come. The first days, weeks, months are the worst. IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER. I came here destroyed and crying for weeks. I can't recall the last time I cried now! ah yes, it was while watching "Water for Elephants"...
I resisted to look at me many years but now that I do its not that bad. Now after therapy I know where I am coming from and where I learned about toxic relationships. I also see my role. Only after taking responsibility of my 50% am I able to move forward....and decide for good, that is not the life I want...
Keep reading, keep posting, one foot infront of the other... remember what YOU enjoy.. what makes your heart sing... find out who startover is.. what she likes... what her favorite music is.. what her favorite food is... know yourself, treat yourself, take care of yourself, it will be the same planet but the world you walk will be entirely different! This has been true for me.
And it doesn't mean everything is happiness and goes smoothly but there is a "safe place within" I can tune in to, that I never had before. All those voids we have in our souls can be filled by.. ourselves, by Nature and its beauty, and by God (if you are a believer)
Yes it feels that way. It has been 2 years for me now, since I went NC with an EXABF.
But we keep moving forward.
XABF keeps drinking and being the selfish person he has always been.
I am feeling as healthy as ever, even when there are some bad days or bad weeks.
I am starting to love myself. And I am starting to give value to what I do have, and for the people that care about ME. And I like myself more. I look better too. And the people around me are very uplifting, actually SEE me, and make me laugh.
I also feel slightly more loved and slightly more centered. This is priceless.
The best is yet to come. The first days, weeks, months are the worst. IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER. I came here destroyed and crying for weeks. I can't recall the last time I cried now! ah yes, it was while watching "Water for Elephants"...
I resisted to look at me many years but now that I do its not that bad. Now after therapy I know where I am coming from and where I learned about toxic relationships. I also see my role. Only after taking responsibility of my 50% am I able to move forward....and decide for good, that is not the life I want...
Keep reading, keep posting, one foot infront of the other... remember what YOU enjoy.. what makes your heart sing... find out who startover is.. what she likes... what her favorite music is.. what her favorite food is... know yourself, treat yourself, take care of yourself, it will be the same planet but the world you walk will be entirely different! This has been true for me.
And it doesn't mean everything is happiness and goes smoothly but there is a "safe place within" I can tune in to, that I never had before. All those voids we have in our souls can be filled by.. ourselves, by Nature and its beauty, and by God (if you are a believer)
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
I struggle with this also.
I have been no contact since March 28.
April 2 2pm AH sent a text Happy Birthday ...I ignored it. --hard
April 2 6pm AH called. I ignored it.--harder
May 8 AH sent text Happy Mothers day! I lost my phone, found my phone, got it 3 days later... successfully ignored it-----much harder
May 9 AH left message, " Hi honey. Um, I don't mean to bother you, and I won't do it again, but can I get my boat keys and my binoculars back? Uh, you can just throw them into the yard. Bye."---again same time as above lost phone and found it...was a good thing because when I did get the message, I really struggled with it.
It was an excuse for me to see him. So I examined the message. I took it apart piece by piece and then I went to several people and asked how to handle it.
The breakdown:
He says "honey": I knew right there he was playing me. He had this sad sounding voice, like he was truly sad and depressed.
Then he says "you can just throw it in the yard." sounding akin to throwing a dog scraps or a bone. This was a verbal attempt to make me feel sorry for him. He was manipulating in every word he said.
I didn't have the boat keys, but I looked up the cost to replace them and it is not very expensive at all. One guy said he lost his and replaced the whole ignition for $25. So, it was not the boat keys he really wanted.
Same with the binoculars, maybe $50.
Anyhow, I had the binoculars and I felt that if I saw him, I would cave and wind up spending time with him.
So I thought for several days why I needed to give them back. My girlfriend suggested I mail them and that was when I realized he had given me the excuse I wanted to be able to see him.
I recognized that is what I was doing.
I struggled to stop myself.
I finally gave into myself enough to tell myself that I would take the binoculars by during the day while he was at work and I would snoop a bit. That should satisfy my craving to do something with him without actually seeing him.
To my surprise, when I got within view of the house, this surge of anger overtook me.
It took everything I had to get out of the car and put the binoculars on his porch. I nearly threw the dam things. I was so angry. I don't even know where the rage came from, but it was clearly there.
I couldn't get away from there fast enough and thought just down the road I was over it. I was wrong
I struggled with that anger for days, but didn't recognize I was angry at him. It just felt like this well of fire in me that came out as "being too wound up".
I didn't even realize where it had stemmed from!
May 16 AH sent an email that said: I LOVE YOU!
Again it was a struggle that haunted me for weeks...I began to feel really sad that I was alone, that I could have had a great marriage, that, that , that...
I threw myself into my work, stressed myself out, got sick, all because some sad little man sent an email to me that said he loved me.
How pathetic.
I have to pull myself out of that wallerin hole by living in reality, remembering reality, and not putting on the rose colored glasses.
Even though, for a short time, life shure is perty with em on.
Take off your glasses. Reality wakes you up everytime.
I have been no contact since March 28.
April 2 2pm AH sent a text Happy Birthday ...I ignored it. --hard
April 2 6pm AH called. I ignored it.--harder
May 8 AH sent text Happy Mothers day! I lost my phone, found my phone, got it 3 days later... successfully ignored it-----much harder
May 9 AH left message, " Hi honey. Um, I don't mean to bother you, and I won't do it again, but can I get my boat keys and my binoculars back? Uh, you can just throw them into the yard. Bye."---again same time as above lost phone and found it...was a good thing because when I did get the message, I really struggled with it.
It was an excuse for me to see him. So I examined the message. I took it apart piece by piece and then I went to several people and asked how to handle it.
The breakdown:
He says "honey": I knew right there he was playing me. He had this sad sounding voice, like he was truly sad and depressed.
Then he says "you can just throw it in the yard." sounding akin to throwing a dog scraps or a bone. This was a verbal attempt to make me feel sorry for him. He was manipulating in every word he said.
I didn't have the boat keys, but I looked up the cost to replace them and it is not very expensive at all. One guy said he lost his and replaced the whole ignition for $25. So, it was not the boat keys he really wanted.
Same with the binoculars, maybe $50.
Anyhow, I had the binoculars and I felt that if I saw him, I would cave and wind up spending time with him.
So I thought for several days why I needed to give them back. My girlfriend suggested I mail them and that was when I realized he had given me the excuse I wanted to be able to see him.
I recognized that is what I was doing.
I struggled to stop myself.
I finally gave into myself enough to tell myself that I would take the binoculars by during the day while he was at work and I would snoop a bit. That should satisfy my craving to do something with him without actually seeing him.
To my surprise, when I got within view of the house, this surge of anger overtook me.
It took everything I had to get out of the car and put the binoculars on his porch. I nearly threw the dam things. I was so angry. I don't even know where the rage came from, but it was clearly there.
I couldn't get away from there fast enough and thought just down the road I was over it. I was wrong
I struggled with that anger for days, but didn't recognize I was angry at him. It just felt like this well of fire in me that came out as "being too wound up".
I didn't even realize where it had stemmed from!
May 16 AH sent an email that said: I LOVE YOU!
Again it was a struggle that haunted me for weeks...I began to feel really sad that I was alone, that I could have had a great marriage, that, that , that...
I threw myself into my work, stressed myself out, got sick, all because some sad little man sent an email to me that said he loved me.
How pathetic.
I have to pull myself out of that wallerin hole by living in reality, remembering reality, and not putting on the rose colored glasses.
Even though, for a short time, life shure is perty with em on.
Take off your glasses. Reality wakes you up everytime.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 152
Hey Startoveragain!
How funny that today is officially my 10 days of no contact with XABF too. I really do understand just how you are feeling because I feel addicted to him too. Those sudden urges just to talk to them and see how everything is going..yikes! Lord knows that before these 10 days I was still trying to make contact for so long after we broke up, trying to search for "answers" and some closure. But all I ended up getting ever was "f*** yous" and hang ups and "i hate yous".
I think the thing that has finally settled in my brain (and maybe this will help you as well), is that I FINALLY realized that there was no point in contacting the XABF because:
a.) he's delusional
b.) he's never gonna see where I'm coming from anyway
c.) he'll probably just start yelling again
d.) i don't want to deal with the anxiety i constantly associated with waiting for him to reply (part of my addiction was OBSESSING every second about when he would reply to my phone calls/texts/emails...but i realized if im not in contact at all then there's zero reply anxiety!)
Keep chugging along though, it'll be 10 days and then 20 days and then 30 days....and then finally somehow we'll get to the point of not even noticing.
How funny that today is officially my 10 days of no contact with XABF too. I really do understand just how you are feeling because I feel addicted to him too. Those sudden urges just to talk to them and see how everything is going..yikes! Lord knows that before these 10 days I was still trying to make contact for so long after we broke up, trying to search for "answers" and some closure. But all I ended up getting ever was "f*** yous" and hang ups and "i hate yous".
I think the thing that has finally settled in my brain (and maybe this will help you as well), is that I FINALLY realized that there was no point in contacting the XABF because:
a.) he's delusional
b.) he's never gonna see where I'm coming from anyway
c.) he'll probably just start yelling again
d.) i don't want to deal with the anxiety i constantly associated with waiting for him to reply (part of my addiction was OBSESSING every second about when he would reply to my phone calls/texts/emails...but i realized if im not in contact at all then there's zero reply anxiety!)
Keep chugging along though, it'll be 10 days and then 20 days and then 30 days....and then finally somehow we'll get to the point of not even noticing.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
It's been about 10 days for me also. From her, 1 phone call about money, 1 email saying she was sorry for complaining about money and how her rehab was going and how she missed me and blah, blah, blah. My response to phone call, I earned, I can afford it, if you're worried about money get a job, goodbye. I didn't respond to the email.
It's funny though. For being NC I have multiple discussions and fights with her several times a day in my head.
Oh, well. One day at a time.
It's funny though. For being NC I have multiple discussions and fights with her several times a day in my head.
Oh, well. One day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by m1k3 
It's funny though. For being NC I have multiple discussions and fights with her several times a day in my head.
Oh, well. One day at a time.
Oh, well. One day at a time.
What is even funnier - a few weeks back, he actually apologized for doing this very thing...and running with it. He'd have a complete interaction with me in his head, get mad, and stay mad for days without communicating with me at all. I never knew why he was mad. And it wasn't even real!
Sorry to highjack - this just struck me today...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
A couple of things. The first is that Codie didn't do anything-- you did.
The second is that reading one book, while often a catalyst for folks in a positive way, does not do it by itself. If you really want to heal, you will pursue healing aggressively by reading, coming to SR, AND trying Alanon at least six times AND seeking counseling.
Otherwise you are just going through the motions, and you'll get back exactly what you "earn." Little or nothing. You have to want it, work for it, and go and get it. It works if you work it.
Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
The second is that reading one book, while often a catalyst for folks in a positive way, does not do it by itself. If you really want to heal, you will pursue healing aggressively by reading, coming to SR, AND trying Alanon at least six times AND seeking counseling.
Otherwise you are just going through the motions, and you'll get back exactly what you "earn." Little or nothing. You have to want it, work for it, and go and get it. It works if you work it.
Take care, take what you want, and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
A couple of things. The first is that Codie didn't do anything-- you did.
I often refer to my codependency as a separate person inside me. I have been to say to myself, " Codie, sit down and shut up!". But thats just me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 14
Thank you all so much. I know it is one day at a time and one book or one thing will not change it all. It is constant growth and self evaluation. It took me many years to get this way so I know it will take many years to change as well. This site has been a life saver for me. It makes me realize I am not alone and that so many others feel or have experienced many of the things I am going through. Hugs to you all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
reading one book, while often a catalyst for folks in a positive way, does not do it by itself. If you really want to heal, you will pursue healing aggressively by reading, coming to SR, AND trying Alanon at least six times AND seeking counseling.
I mean, I bought them and all. 
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
WOW, you are really really really strong.
I have failed so many times in that effort to NOT reconnect w my exabf.
I know there is no point, intellectually. I keep working the steps doing what I have to do, but my brain just feels sad and sick. My birthday is coming up and I dread if he will send a text. I am going to block his number. He may try to send an email from a different email address since I blocked his email. It will take all my power not to tell him to "f off." I still have a lot of anger.
I have failed so many times in that effort to NOT reconnect w my exabf.
I know there is no point, intellectually. I keep working the steps doing what I have to do, but my brain just feels sad and sick. My birthday is coming up and I dread if he will send a text. I am going to block his number. He may try to send an email from a different email address since I blocked his email. It will take all my power not to tell him to "f off." I still have a lot of anger.
Originally Posted by passionfruit
I struggle with this also.
I have been no contact since March 28.
April 2 2pm AH sent a text Happy Birthday ...I ignored it. --hard
April 2 6pm AH called. I ignored it.--harder
May 8 AH sent text Happy Mothers day! I lost my phone, found my phone, got it 3 days later... successfully ignored it-----much harder
May 9 AH left message, " Hi honey. Um, I don't mean to bother you, and I won't do it again, but can I get my boat keys and my binoculars back? Uh, you can just throw them into the yard. Bye."---again same time as above lost phone and found it...was a good thing because when I did get the message, I really struggled with it.
It was an excuse for me to see him. So I examined the message. I took it apart piece by piece and then I went to several people and asked how to handle it.
The breakdown:
He says "honey": I knew right there he was playing me. He had this sad sounding voice, like he was truly sad and depressed.
Then he says "you can just throw it in the yard." sounding akin to throwing a dog scraps or a bone. This was a verbal attempt to make me feel sorry for him. He was manipulating in every word he said.
I didn't have the boat keys, but I looked up the cost to replace them and it is not very expensive at all. One guy said he lost his and replaced the whole ignition for $25. So, it was not the boat keys he really wanted.
Same with the binoculars, maybe $50.
Anyhow, I had the binoculars and I felt that if I saw him, I would cave and wind up spending time with him.
So I thought for several days why I needed to give them back. My girlfriend suggested I mail them and that was when I realized he had given me the excuse I wanted to be able to see him.
I recognized that is what I was doing.
I struggled to stop myself.
I finally gave into myself enough to tell myself that I would take the binoculars by during the day while he was at work and I would snoop a bit. That should satisfy my craving to do something with him without actually seeing him.
To my surprise, when I got within view of the house, this surge of anger overtook me.
It took everything I had to get out of the car and put the binoculars on his porch. I nearly threw the dam things. I was so angry. I don't even know where the rage came from, but it was clearly there.
I couldn't get away from there fast enough and thought just down the road I was over it. I was wrong
I struggled with that anger for days, but didn't recognize I was angry at him. It just felt like this well of fire in me that came out as "being too wound up".
I didn't even realize where it had stemmed from!
May 16 AH sent an email that said: I LOVE YOU!
Again it was a struggle that haunted me for weeks...I began to feel really sad that I was alone, that I could have had a great marriage, that, that , that...
I threw myself into my work, stressed myself out, got sick, all because some sad little man sent an email to me that said he loved me.
How pathetic.
I have to pull myself out of that wallerin hole by living in reality, remembering reality, and not putting on the rose colored glasses.
Even though, for a short time, life shure is perty with em on.
Take off your glasses. Reality wakes you up everytime.
I have been no contact since March 28.
April 2 2pm AH sent a text Happy Birthday ...I ignored it. --hard
April 2 6pm AH called. I ignored it.--harder
May 8 AH sent text Happy Mothers day! I lost my phone, found my phone, got it 3 days later... successfully ignored it-----much harder
May 9 AH left message, " Hi honey. Um, I don't mean to bother you, and I won't do it again, but can I get my boat keys and my binoculars back? Uh, you can just throw them into the yard. Bye."---again same time as above lost phone and found it...was a good thing because when I did get the message, I really struggled with it.
It was an excuse for me to see him. So I examined the message. I took it apart piece by piece and then I went to several people and asked how to handle it.
The breakdown:
He says "honey": I knew right there he was playing me. He had this sad sounding voice, like he was truly sad and depressed.
Then he says "you can just throw it in the yard." sounding akin to throwing a dog scraps or a bone. This was a verbal attempt to make me feel sorry for him. He was manipulating in every word he said.
I didn't have the boat keys, but I looked up the cost to replace them and it is not very expensive at all. One guy said he lost his and replaced the whole ignition for $25. So, it was not the boat keys he really wanted.
Same with the binoculars, maybe $50.
Anyhow, I had the binoculars and I felt that if I saw him, I would cave and wind up spending time with him.
So I thought for several days why I needed to give them back. My girlfriend suggested I mail them and that was when I realized he had given me the excuse I wanted to be able to see him.
I recognized that is what I was doing.
I struggled to stop myself.
I finally gave into myself enough to tell myself that I would take the binoculars by during the day while he was at work and I would snoop a bit. That should satisfy my craving to do something with him without actually seeing him.
To my surprise, when I got within view of the house, this surge of anger overtook me.
It took everything I had to get out of the car and put the binoculars on his porch. I nearly threw the dam things. I was so angry. I don't even know where the rage came from, but it was clearly there.
I couldn't get away from there fast enough and thought just down the road I was over it. I was wrong
I struggled with that anger for days, but didn't recognize I was angry at him. It just felt like this well of fire in me that came out as "being too wound up".
I didn't even realize where it had stemmed from!
May 16 AH sent an email that said: I LOVE YOU!
Again it was a struggle that haunted me for weeks...I began to feel really sad that I was alone, that I could have had a great marriage, that, that , that...
I threw myself into my work, stressed myself out, got sick, all because some sad little man sent an email to me that said he loved me.
How pathetic.
I have to pull myself out of that wallerin hole by living in reality, remembering reality, and not putting on the rose colored glasses.
Even though, for a short time, life shure is perty with em on.
Take off your glasses. Reality wakes you up everytime.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
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Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 283
You'll only miss the man you wanted him to be.
"You'll only miss the man that you wanted him to be."
I LOVE this part of the song.
That is what i miss in mine.
The man I wanted him to be.
Not who he is ...........sadly.
I LOVE this part of the song.
That is what i miss in mine.
The man I wanted him to be.
Not who he is ...........sadly.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Yup, and that's what it all boils down to. Missing them, grieving the relationship, it's all about the loss of what we hoped would be, what we envisioned in our heads. It's all about facing reality, and the fact that things just aren't going to go how we want them to. I still have weak moments where I want to talk to ex, or open one of his emails, just to see how he is doing, just because I miss those few good things about him-also to see if he finally "got it" and is seeking help. I still have arguments in my head, things I wanted to say, new ways I have come up with to explain the things that even when I was leaving he said he still didn't understand. But these are all codie behaviors for me... it never goes well, and when I succumb to these desires, i always regret it later. Always.
These internal conversations are progress, I like to think, because it is in our heads, and not in an email or text message heading to their inbox. As long as I don't act on those impulses, i'm okay. It's a feeling, this desire to talk to them, to communicate with them, hoping things will be different. And reminding myself, when it happens, that it's just a feeling - maybe i'm having a bad day, or something triggered a memory- and especially reminding myself that as with most feelings, it will pass. And eventually the internal conversations will stop as well, at least that's what I tell myself. And they are getting fewer and fewer.
These internal conversations are progress, I like to think, because it is in our heads, and not in an email or text message heading to their inbox. As long as I don't act on those impulses, i'm okay. It's a feeling, this desire to talk to them, to communicate with them, hoping things will be different. And reminding myself, when it happens, that it's just a feeling - maybe i'm having a bad day, or something triggered a memory- and especially reminding myself that as with most feelings, it will pass. And eventually the internal conversations will stop as well, at least that's what I tell myself. And they are getting fewer and fewer.
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