Opening up with the neighbors
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
Opening up with the neighbors
One of the things that has always frustrated me about STBXAW's alcoholism is the fog of secrecy that seemed to slowly take over every aspect of my life. Not her life, my life. In hindsight, I now understand how conforming to her desire for secrets was my own fault...it was never anything she had the ability to force. But happy wife, happy life, eh?
We had moved to a new city about a year ago. Until recently, the most I could say about our neighbors was that they were friendly and we were acquainted with each other, but there had never been an opportunity to build any sort of local support system or make new friends...even now, I really only know the people I work with. It can be such a lonely existence hiding inside the addict's fog of secrets. It's harder still to open up to people you don't know very well when your closest human relationship (with your AS) has reduced your trust in people to almost nothing.
But eventually, I reached a point where my life and relationships are finally more important than her need to hide the truth. The neighbors next door were having dinner at the park across the street, where I was playing with baby boy. They asked "We haven't seen AW for a while, how's she doing?" And it just came out...at first, just a few drops, but 20 minutes later it became clear to them what the situation was.
They offered free babysitting, offered to bring over a meal to me from time to time. And then they prayed for AW. They thanked me for trusting them. All in all, it was good to experience a reminder that there are people in the world who understand and value trust.
Am I going to go door-to-door and try this all again? Nope. But before I wasn't even sure if I had anything left in me. How have other people dealt with "cleaning up" their relationships with neighbors and family in the aftermath of a relationship with an addict?
Some of you may notice that I bounce back and forth between STBXAW and AW in my posts; it's mostly laziness (2 letters are faster than 6). I realize though there's still part of me mourning my loss. It's not always easy to say STBX.
We had moved to a new city about a year ago. Until recently, the most I could say about our neighbors was that they were friendly and we were acquainted with each other, but there had never been an opportunity to build any sort of local support system or make new friends...even now, I really only know the people I work with. It can be such a lonely existence hiding inside the addict's fog of secrets. It's harder still to open up to people you don't know very well when your closest human relationship (with your AS) has reduced your trust in people to almost nothing.
But eventually, I reached a point where my life and relationships are finally more important than her need to hide the truth. The neighbors next door were having dinner at the park across the street, where I was playing with baby boy. They asked "We haven't seen AW for a while, how's she doing?" And it just came out...at first, just a few drops, but 20 minutes later it became clear to them what the situation was.
They offered free babysitting, offered to bring over a meal to me from time to time. And then they prayed for AW. They thanked me for trusting them. All in all, it was good to experience a reminder that there are people in the world who understand and value trust.
Am I going to go door-to-door and try this all again? Nope. But before I wasn't even sure if I had anything left in me. How have other people dealt with "cleaning up" their relationships with neighbors and family in the aftermath of a relationship with an addict?
Some of you may notice that I bounce back and forth between STBXAW and AW in my posts; it's mostly laziness (2 letters are faster than 6). I realize though there's still part of me mourning my loss. It's not always easy to say STBX.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
One of the biggest gifts of the past year for me was the kindness shown to me by co workers, neighbors, acquaintances and even strangers. To me it was a sign that my HP was taking good care of me. At first it was just about the separation. I would say things like, "We decided we would like each other better if we gave ourselves some time apart," Other times I'd say " it was unhealthy for both of us to stay together." It amazed me how many folks read between the lines. His drinking really wasn't a secret-even though he usually drank alone at home. Many people recognized his alcoholic personality. And here I was thinking people would think of me as a crazy wife.
I'm glad you reached out- that was a hard lesson for me to learn as well. I hope you continue to find unexpected blessings in your life.
I'm glad you reached out- that was a hard lesson for me to learn as well. I hope you continue to find unexpected blessings in your life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Jay, I'm so very glad to read that you were able to "open up'" to your neighbors. I think you hit the nail on the head, WE become untrustful of people in general and get caught up in the A's web of secrecy.m I think this encounter was HP showing you DIFFERENT way of being. I know I'm beginning (sloooowly) to open up to people and it feels good and normal. Great job!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
My RAH used to call me a "gossip" if I talked to anyone about anything. He freaked out over Al-Anon at first. I went for two months before I told him I was going. The web of secrecy is right - jeesh - it was exhausting. I am the type who relies on others wisdom and experiences. I considered myself smart enough to learn from others' mistakes instead of going out and making a whole bunch of my own. Not being able to talk about my lousy home life was difficult. Once I got started, I didn't stop.
Today he says he can't trust me, and this is one of the reasons why. Hhhmmm...oh well... whatever. My sanity is way more important to me today than his trust issues. And my sanity is reliant on the support I get from others.
Keep talking...
!T
Today he says he can't trust me, and this is one of the reasons why. Hhhmmm...oh well... whatever. My sanity is way more important to me today than his trust issues. And my sanity is reliant on the support I get from others.
Keep talking...
!T
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I'm having a harder time of this. Neighbors and friends have taken it as a personal insult that I was closed up and confined for so long, I think. But I don't really know. I know that I have one friend who has included DS and me in some things coming up this weekend that would normally be reserved for her family only.
"Our" friends are really his friends, I guess. I should've known he was rubbing that in yesterday when he called from our friends' to check to see if he could stop by this week to pick some things up. All of 'our' friends in the background...and he said, "They invited me over so I wouldn't have to sit by myself."
And woe is me...I sat there feeling sorry for myself that no one had been so kind to do that for DS and me. I thought, "Well, he gets the tender, loving care. Again."
Today, I'm better. I know he was trying to upset me. I'm disappointed in myself that I let it.
I'll do better today.
"Our" friends are really his friends, I guess. I should've known he was rubbing that in yesterday when he called from our friends' to check to see if he could stop by this week to pick some things up. All of 'our' friends in the background...and he said, "They invited me over so I wouldn't have to sit by myself."
And woe is me...I sat there feeling sorry for myself that no one had been so kind to do that for DS and me. I thought, "Well, he gets the tender, loving care. Again."
Today, I'm better. I know he was trying to upset me. I'm disappointed in myself that I let it.
I'll do better today.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Congrats on opening up! It's both good and healthy to do this.
I didn't have to much of a problem with this because she preferred to drink and pop pills at home so I didn't really have any friends. (Stupid me.)
As for family I am very close with my adult daughters and their families. They both are well aware of their mother's problems and have been a great support to me.
How have other people dealt with "cleaning up" their relationships with neighbors and family in the aftermath of a relationship with an addict?
As for family I am very close with my adult daughters and their families. They both are well aware of their mother's problems and have been a great support to me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi Jayscott,
I have recently 'come out' !!
For a very long time, I have kept quiet about my homelife with friends, colleagues and acquaintances, partly because I didn't want to sound like doom and gloom all the time and partly because I was fed up of moaning about my home life to the selected few. I thought that maybe my closest friend and mum was fed up with hearing about it.
Since I have made the decision to leave my AH, move out and move on with my life, its like verbal diarrhea from my mouth! I used to be embarrassed about what I was going through and didn't think people would understand. Its surprising how many say that they know an alcoholic or have one in their own family when you tell them.
Everyone I have chosen to tell has been really supportive, my work colleagues have been great. It is a difficult subject to open up about and many dont really grasp the real complexities of the abuse and stress I have been living in.
It is liberating though and so far I have not had one negative response to my whole saga.
I have recently 'come out' !!
For a very long time, I have kept quiet about my homelife with friends, colleagues and acquaintances, partly because I didn't want to sound like doom and gloom all the time and partly because I was fed up of moaning about my home life to the selected few. I thought that maybe my closest friend and mum was fed up with hearing about it.
Since I have made the decision to leave my AH, move out and move on with my life, its like verbal diarrhea from my mouth! I used to be embarrassed about what I was going through and didn't think people would understand. Its surprising how many say that they know an alcoholic or have one in their own family when you tell them.
Everyone I have chosen to tell has been really supportive, my work colleagues have been great. It is a difficult subject to open up about and many dont really grasp the real complexities of the abuse and stress I have been living in.
It is liberating though and so far I have not had one negative response to my whole saga.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
When we open up and show weakness to people, they open up to us.
Secrecy is one of the the non physical toxins of alcoholism.
Should you go around talking smack about your wife? NO. But finding support, with trusted people, who can exhibit discretion is very healing. Even if they never find occasion to bring you food or to help with one of her messes, it will be nice to know that someone on your block knows that you are there, what you are coping with, to know that they are on your side, and on her side.
It's powerful stuff to be vulnerable. And the universe rewards this kind of honesty, when applied with discretion.
good for you!
Secrecy is one of the the non physical toxins of alcoholism.
Should you go around talking smack about your wife? NO. But finding support, with trusted people, who can exhibit discretion is very healing. Even if they never find occasion to bring you food or to help with one of her messes, it will be nice to know that someone on your block knows that you are there, what you are coping with, to know that they are on your side, and on her side.
It's powerful stuff to be vulnerable. And the universe rewards this kind of honesty, when applied with discretion.
good for you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 177
We couldnt hide the fact there were problems in our home. Sometimes i wished we could becoz i felt shame but another part of me didnt care coz i was a child caught up in the madness.
The noices that came from our 'home', the gaurds outside, the ambulances etc. ment all our neighbours knew our buisness. They never judged or ridiculed us for what was constanly going on.
Its nice to know that you have nice neighbours who would be there for you if needed. I know my neighbours knocked in a couple of times because the noices were so bad. Im refering to the word noises but yous' can let you imagination run wild.
Glad you were able to open up about what life is truely like for you. And the reaction you got of them was supportive and defo, that goes along way.
Peace & Happiness
The noices that came from our 'home', the gaurds outside, the ambulances etc. ment all our neighbours knew our buisness. They never judged or ridiculed us for what was constanly going on.
Its nice to know that you have nice neighbours who would be there for you if needed. I know my neighbours knocked in a couple of times because the noices were so bad. Im refering to the word noises but yous' can let you imagination run wild.
Glad you were able to open up about what life is truely like for you. And the reaction you got of them was supportive and defo, that goes along way.
Peace & Happiness
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
There really isn't any need to say anything unless asked.
Even then, it can be as simple as 'thing just aren't going to work out'....
"things didn't work out"
"we're just two very different people"
It can be kept very simple
without spilling guts
and airing laundry.
There's also the fine art
of changing the subject
to something they want to talk about -
usually themselves.
Even then, it can be as simple as 'thing just aren't going to work out'....
"things didn't work out"
"we're just two very different people"
It can be kept very simple
without spilling guts
and airing laundry.
There's also the fine art
of changing the subject
to something they want to talk about -
usually themselves.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
Thanks for sharing about your lovely neighbors, Jay!
In my own moving out, I've had some interesting conversations, but very few that felt eminently supportive. One thing that came out was the 'collective enabling' that our little town has for my ABF. He's a great musician, and gregarious, and has opened his home up for parties and rehearsals. He's everybody's best friend, kwim? So when the quiet geeky GF leaves him, there's this social expectation that there's something wrong with her. There is. I tell people I left because I was allergic to his drinking problem. I don't think I'm missed very much by our mutual friends. There too, they were his friends that I inherited...
I went to LA that first weekend, and did a CityRace with a MeetUp group called the CoolNerds. I haven't had so much fun in years! It was a real eye-opener for me to see that there are like-minded people out there, that there are new outdoorsy geeks to make friends with... (I hope I don't have to move to LA to find them!)
- Sylvie
In my own moving out, I've had some interesting conversations, but very few that felt eminently supportive. One thing that came out was the 'collective enabling' that our little town has for my ABF. He's a great musician, and gregarious, and has opened his home up for parties and rehearsals. He's everybody's best friend, kwim? So when the quiet geeky GF leaves him, there's this social expectation that there's something wrong with her. There is. I tell people I left because I was allergic to his drinking problem. I don't think I'm missed very much by our mutual friends. There too, they were his friends that I inherited...
I went to LA that first weekend, and did a CityRace with a MeetUp group called the CoolNerds. I haven't had so much fun in years! It was a real eye-opener for me to see that there are like-minded people out there, that there are new outdoorsy geeks to make friends with... (I hope I don't have to move to LA to find them!)
- Sylvie
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Hi Jay,
I think it is great there were people you could open up to, and that they rose to the occasion.
My XH wasn't an alcoholic, but a sex addict. So there was NEVER a good way to bring it into any conversation. Talk about secrets! My closest friends and family knew, but there was no easy way to shorthand what sort of havoc he'd caused in our lives when talking to anyone else. And it was hard to be treated as if I'd divorced him because life had gotten stale, or I had a short attention span, when nothing could be further from the truth.
My heart goes out to you. You are doing a great job.
I think it is great there were people you could open up to, and that they rose to the occasion.
My XH wasn't an alcoholic, but a sex addict. So there was NEVER a good way to bring it into any conversation. Talk about secrets! My closest friends and family knew, but there was no easy way to shorthand what sort of havoc he'd caused in our lives when talking to anyone else. And it was hard to be treated as if I'd divorced him because life had gotten stale, or I had a short attention span, when nothing could be further from the truth.
My heart goes out to you. You are doing a great job.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I loved the freedom being truthful and not covering for her drunk ass gave me. I never understood, intrinsically, what it was like to be oppressed until my drunk wife taught me how it feels. Now, more than ever, I value what I call real freedom of speech.
Take care,
Cyranoak
Take care,
Cyranoak
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: California
Posts: 221
Originally Posted by Cyranoak 
I loved the freedom being truthful and not covering for her drunk ass gave me. I never understood, intrinsically, what it was like to be oppressed until my drunk wife taught me how it feels. Now, more than ever, I value what I call real freedom of speech.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Del Rio, TX
Posts: 380
yes, I know what you speak of. Exactly.
When I finally tired of being part of the cover up a neighbor asked how she was doing. And I told her, "not well". I explained just a bit and the neighbor was instantly on my side. She suspected a problem based on things she had seen at her house. I was glad to have the ally.
You don't have to tell everyone, but nor are you obliged to lie about it. When people ask, you are free to tell them as much or as little as you want.
Stay strong my friend.
When I finally tired of being part of the cover up a neighbor asked how she was doing. And I told her, "not well". I explained just a bit and the neighbor was instantly on my side. She suspected a problem based on things she had seen at her house. I was glad to have the ally.
You don't have to tell everyone, but nor are you obliged to lie about it. When people ask, you are free to tell them as much or as little as you want.
Stay strong my friend.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 8
I moved out after less than 6 months of marriage due to my AH's deterioration. My best friends and immediate family now know everything about AH's issues... in graphic detail. Anyone else who brings it up to me, ("oh, I heard you moved out" etc) gets the shorthand version of the truth ("he is an addict and won't do anything to help himself").
Since we were married a very short time before things snowballed out of control and I left and moved out, I figure, if all I say is "things didn't work out" it makes me look awfully flaky to have jumped ship on the marriage so soon. Or you get the helpful people who are like, "well, did you try marriage counseling??" - ha. ha. ha. I know, who cares what people think, but why should I look bad? I'm not talking trash about him, it's all true!
For a while, I told no one of the issues we were having. I wasn't sure how people would take it (since no one seems to have suspected anything), and if I thought there was any hope we'd work it out, I didn't want everyone knowing all this business. Once it got bad enough in the relationship, and his addiction had clearly taken a major turn for the worse, I cracked and started talking.
Almost to a person, everyone I "fessed up" to was 100% understanding and even shared with me some of their own stories of dealing with loved ones' addiction or other personal problems they don't normally share. I wish I had started talking to friends and family so much sooner. It was the BEST THING. Once the secrecy was gone, it was HUGE progress for me in moving forward with my own life. I didn't feel stuck anymore.
Since we were married a very short time before things snowballed out of control and I left and moved out, I figure, if all I say is "things didn't work out" it makes me look awfully flaky to have jumped ship on the marriage so soon. Or you get the helpful people who are like, "well, did you try marriage counseling??" - ha. ha. ha. I know, who cares what people think, but why should I look bad? I'm not talking trash about him, it's all true!
For a while, I told no one of the issues we were having. I wasn't sure how people would take it (since no one seems to have suspected anything), and if I thought there was any hope we'd work it out, I didn't want everyone knowing all this business. Once it got bad enough in the relationship, and his addiction had clearly taken a major turn for the worse, I cracked and started talking.
Almost to a person, everyone I "fessed up" to was 100% understanding and even shared with me some of their own stories of dealing with loved ones' addiction or other personal problems they don't normally share. I wish I had started talking to friends and family so much sooner. It was the BEST THING. Once the secrecy was gone, it was HUGE progress for me in moving forward with my own life. I didn't feel stuck anymore.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 71
I reached the point where I had to open up to several people because I was a mess and couldn't hold the facade of a happy marriage together any longer. I didn't intend to talk about what I was going through, and it wasn't done in a gossipy sort of way. Each person I spoke with had an experience with an addict, whether it was their child or ex-spouse, and they were sympathic and supportive. It was a blessing.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I think an important point has been made in each of these posts about how the secrecy is a poison and a tool that the A can use to their advantage. It is a poison which feeds your codie as well because it needs to protect your A from the consequences of their actions.
Opening up and sharing is a big step in getting rid of this poison.
This place is just great as it helps me to see so much better what is really going on.
Opening up and sharing is a big step in getting rid of this poison.
This place is just great as it helps me to see so much better what is really going on.
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