detaching, again....another layer of the onion peel
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detaching, again....another layer of the onion peel
I think no matter how many times things are learned it bears repeating if something works.
I find, no matter what my RAH engages in in terms of stinkin' thinkin', or what he TRIES to engage with me in in terms of fake fights, projecting his own stuff...I mean his stuff is so obvious sometimes, and I can see his tension mount and I can see his negative mind going to negative places...
And I think, then in those early moments: This is not mine, this is not right, clear or balanced...But, he is about to try to ensnare me into his thing.ANd I say to myself, Do not engage, be benign, let it be his. Do not take part and let him dance alone, then when it passes, not only have I not behaved in a way that I do not want to, been someone I DONT want to be, but , he also has less crap to come back from.
It just never fails, if I engage and try to dance, it serves nothing more than to bolster his blame game. Whereas if I just witness, and just BE ther, and stay clear...inevitably he just comes around.
Today I saw it coming, I told myself what to do, but I still got caught, so I am adding to my arsenal of realizations that I have probably had a million times, but that bear repeating:
Do not ignore the instinctive voice, massage, or sign that tells you you are about to be hornswaggled into someone elses drama in their own mind.
I am telling myself:
"Just really start to heed this, B66. And do not underestimate it!"
So, thats now on my list. Just another angle from which to filter "detachment" and what it all means.
I find, no matter what my RAH engages in in terms of stinkin' thinkin', or what he TRIES to engage with me in in terms of fake fights, projecting his own stuff...I mean his stuff is so obvious sometimes, and I can see his tension mount and I can see his negative mind going to negative places...
And I think, then in those early moments: This is not mine, this is not right, clear or balanced...But, he is about to try to ensnare me into his thing.ANd I say to myself, Do not engage, be benign, let it be his. Do not take part and let him dance alone, then when it passes, not only have I not behaved in a way that I do not want to, been someone I DONT want to be, but , he also has less crap to come back from.
It just never fails, if I engage and try to dance, it serves nothing more than to bolster his blame game. Whereas if I just witness, and just BE ther, and stay clear...inevitably he just comes around.
Today I saw it coming, I told myself what to do, but I still got caught, so I am adding to my arsenal of realizations that I have probably had a million times, but that bear repeating:
Do not ignore the instinctive voice, massage, or sign that tells you you are about to be hornswaggled into someone elses drama in their own mind.
I am telling myself:
"Just really start to heed this, B66. And do not underestimate it!"
So, thats now on my list. Just another angle from which to filter "detachment" and what it all means.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
Thank you so much. I have said over and over again that I will no longer engage in his anger. I will walk away. I will get off the phone. I will know it is his stuff and has nothing to do with me. But reading how concisely you put it was great. I saw my AH today and he was full of one liners and complimenting himself to everyone around me and trying to ignore me. When I touched his arm to tell him something he got upset. Really? I finished what I had to say and walked away. I had to. It still hurt but I know it is HIS problem. I did nothing wrong in my interaction with him.
Thanks again for your post.
Thanks again for your post.
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
I don't know how you guys do it. I really don't. I look back on the way my exabf acted towards me, and honestly, there were situations where NO amount of detachment or working my program would have worked.
There was 1 night when my ex almost attacked some homeless guy who he thought was threatening our car (he wasn't; the guy was just standing there.) with a mag flashlight.
I tried to have a calm, rational discussion with him about his anger, and maybe the TWO OF US (not just him) taking anger management classes (cuz with the drinking I had so much anger, I thought I could benefit too ), and he blew up at me.
He behaved so immaturely. I was like, what, I can't even have an adult rational conversation about my boundaries? I'm not allowed to bring up my concerns about my partner's behavior?? That's NOT a relationship. He obviously didn't want someone with boundaries, he wanted a doormat. I guess he has that now. An enabling doormat.
There was 1 night when my ex almost attacked some homeless guy who he thought was threatening our car (he wasn't; the guy was just standing there.) with a mag flashlight.
I tried to have a calm, rational discussion with him about his anger, and maybe the TWO OF US (not just him) taking anger management classes (cuz with the drinking I had so much anger, I thought I could benefit too ), and he blew up at me.
He behaved so immaturely. I was like, what, I can't even have an adult rational conversation about my boundaries? I'm not allowed to bring up my concerns about my partner's behavior?? That's NOT a relationship. He obviously didn't want someone with boundaries, he wanted a doormat. I guess he has that now. An enabling doormat.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by sandrawg 
He obviously didn't want someone with boundaries, he wanted a doormat. I guess he has that now. An enabling doormat.
There is one relationship I had about 8 years ago - the only real relationship after my divorce and before the current estranged husband...he did a vanishing act after a year together. Just poof! I got an email from him 8 months later and ignored it. I also moved. Him vanishing allowed me to move on to a new chapter in my life, and although I think this guy is the biggest 40+ yr old coward I have ever come across for doing the vanishing act - I am so thankful it all turned out the way it did. I have a much better life now, even with the alcoholism.
P.S. I couldn't not engage either. Until the end. For about a month I ignored him when he would go on his tirades - which was daily. and focused at me. And then I left. Life is much quieter now.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
Of all the stuff coming out of my AH mouth, what do we ignore and what should we listening to? That is so difficult. It is so hard to decipher stinkin thinkin compared to legitimate concerns of his. Ugh.
I know that I need to trust my instincts, and keep trying to recognize my own stinkin thinkin, but the comments that he makes sometimes stick with me for days, or longer. Why does he think I am his counselor?
I know that I need to trust my instincts, and keep trying to recognize my own stinkin thinkin, but the comments that he makes sometimes stick with me for days, or longer. Why does he think I am his counselor?
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 99
I agree it is so hard to know what is really going on with an AH because they don't seem to know what they think themselves. I'm also trying harder to listen to my instincts and let those help me with my boundaries. If I instinctually don't want to do something, then I don't, and I don't care if he likes it or not. Everytime I worry about upsetting him, I just have to think of the thousands and thousands of times he didn't care at all if I was upset.
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. It still hurt but I know it is HIS problem. I did nothing wrong in my interaction with him.
Yes, This!. It is his problem, and he wants to engage me into it. I am having a fine day, I dont want to be pulled into strife where it need not be.
There was 1 night when my ex almost attacked some homeless guy who he thought was threatening our car (he wasn't; the guy was just standing there.) with a mag flashlight.
I think the crux of this, for me, is alot about keeping my side of the street clean, and then when the dust settles, as it ususally does, I did not partake of lower emotional grappling.
In this case with the RAH, he gets almost paranoid or just plain annoyed with strangers, picks a fight in his mind with some guy in a restaurant, makes up all kinds of scenarios that dont need to be engaged with. Its so negative and WILL ruin his day, and has the potential to ruin mine.
I dont think like that. I dont look around for people trying to "clown" me, or people looking at me sideways. He always seems so ready to pick a fight, even just in his head.
Example: On Sunday, at a restaurant he thought some man was laughing at his clothes.(?) He just could not stop going on about it, and was still grumbling about it long after. He attacked the mans ethnic group, made up all kinds of things that the man was, and I honestly could clearly see it was simply not happening. So, I just said, "some people are threatened by others. You dont have to worry about that or take offense, just live and let live." This was me "not having his back..."
I just said, "You know I support you in every way, but I just dont want to take part in unneccessary negativity today.Im sorry that you feel that way."
I did not play any further than that. And he apologized later for his "mood issue".
Then yesterday, at a picnic, he was annoyed that he was the only one looking after the kids who were playing in a baby pool. Everyone had their eyes on their kids, and it was fine, but he was martyring himself...meow meow. I was aware that it really had more to do with his annoyance at people having beers. But, I called him out, and called him a part pooper, called him a martyr, etc.
Then I had to contend with the whole part that I took part in. Calling him out, calling him names, etc. It was not even real. BUt, I forgot, and paid the price. We argued well into the evening over it. So dumb. I knew better.
And so, I think it kind of comes down to that: I know better, like an older kid playing with younger ones. The older kids know better, and know that the little kids dont know how to act just yet.
I know how to act. I dont have to act like a little kid, just because he does.
Walking away is a choice, as is making non committal comments, and diverting his attention from his negative mindset.
Yes, This!. It is his problem, and he wants to engage me into it. I am having a fine day, I dont want to be pulled into strife where it need not be.
There was 1 night when my ex almost attacked some homeless guy who he thought was threatening our car (he wasn't; the guy was just standing there.) with a mag flashlight.
I think the crux of this, for me, is alot about keeping my side of the street clean, and then when the dust settles, as it ususally does, I did not partake of lower emotional grappling.
In this case with the RAH, he gets almost paranoid or just plain annoyed with strangers, picks a fight in his mind with some guy in a restaurant, makes up all kinds of scenarios that dont need to be engaged with. Its so negative and WILL ruin his day, and has the potential to ruin mine.
I dont think like that. I dont look around for people trying to "clown" me, or people looking at me sideways. He always seems so ready to pick a fight, even just in his head.
Example: On Sunday, at a restaurant he thought some man was laughing at his clothes.(?) He just could not stop going on about it, and was still grumbling about it long after. He attacked the mans ethnic group, made up all kinds of things that the man was, and I honestly could clearly see it was simply not happening. So, I just said, "some people are threatened by others. You dont have to worry about that or take offense, just live and let live." This was me "not having his back..."
I just said, "You know I support you in every way, but I just dont want to take part in unneccessary negativity today.Im sorry that you feel that way."
I did not play any further than that. And he apologized later for his "mood issue".
Then yesterday, at a picnic, he was annoyed that he was the only one looking after the kids who were playing in a baby pool. Everyone had their eyes on their kids, and it was fine, but he was martyring himself...meow meow. I was aware that it really had more to do with his annoyance at people having beers. But, I called him out, and called him a part pooper, called him a martyr, etc.
Then I had to contend with the whole part that I took part in. Calling him out, calling him names, etc. It was not even real. BUt, I forgot, and paid the price. We argued well into the evening over it. So dumb. I knew better.
And so, I think it kind of comes down to that: I know better, like an older kid playing with younger ones. The older kids know better, and know that the little kids dont know how to act just yet.
I know how to act. I dont have to act like a little kid, just because he does.
Walking away is a choice, as is making non committal comments, and diverting his attention from his negative mindset.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Wow B66 - way to own your part. That's been something I've been focusing on lately...taking my own personal inventory regularly. It's not easy to not engage. I have to really watch myself or I get sucked right back into that unhealthy place.
I've found that "calling out" things often leads to an argument. And I've been objectively paying attention to my communication style with the RAH (and his) and realizing a lot of the "calling out" was a big part of our problems. Of course, he'd like to think its ALL me, but in reality - he takes my moral inventory often, holds a negative mind set toward me, and went as far as to use an analogy recently of Charlie Brown and Lucy and the whole football scenario. He's Charlie, by the way. Coming back "for more" and having the football yanked out at the last minute. "Well - that is a sideways attempt at cleaning my side of the street, don't you think?" is what I said in return. What I really wanted to say was something more like "you jackass - maybe if you'd quit running at my face to make that kick, I'd quit jumping away with the football!!!!"
I am recognizing this is his own process on his own timeframe and its not up to me to "teach" him any of these life lessons. Oh do I want to. But its not my place. I don't own that mind set, he does. He says he has trust issues? Well - its good you have a sponsor to work those out with. Again, not my place.
I am reminded of this everyday when I deal with my teenagers. It is easy to get frustrated with them for not "knowing" what seems to me to be basic stuff. And then I tell myself they are learning this like I had to learn this...be patient...let them learn...and I can let go. Why is it so much harder to do with the RAH?
Anyway - long winded way of saying good for you! It is a process...layer by layer!
I've found that "calling out" things often leads to an argument. And I've been objectively paying attention to my communication style with the RAH (and his) and realizing a lot of the "calling out" was a big part of our problems. Of course, he'd like to think its ALL me, but in reality - he takes my moral inventory often, holds a negative mind set toward me, and went as far as to use an analogy recently of Charlie Brown and Lucy and the whole football scenario. He's Charlie, by the way. Coming back "for more" and having the football yanked out at the last minute. "Well - that is a sideways attempt at cleaning my side of the street, don't you think?" is what I said in return. What I really wanted to say was something more like "you jackass - maybe if you'd quit running at my face to make that kick, I'd quit jumping away with the football!!!!"
I am recognizing this is his own process on his own timeframe and its not up to me to "teach" him any of these life lessons. Oh do I want to. But its not my place. I don't own that mind set, he does. He says he has trust issues? Well - its good you have a sponsor to work those out with. Again, not my place.
I am reminded of this everyday when I deal with my teenagers. It is easy to get frustrated with them for not "knowing" what seems to me to be basic stuff. And then I tell myself they are learning this like I had to learn this...be patient...let them learn...and I can let go. Why is it so much harder to do with the RAH?
Anyway - long winded way of saying good for you! It is a process...layer by layer!
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
If I had a nickle for every time I've said
"do not engage"
"Just do not engage"
to myself over the last several weeks, I'd be a very rich woman.
I'm not always successful but I"m getting better because I KNOW without a doubt that there is absolutely NOTHING to be gained by engaging in 'the dance'.
He's got his own story. In his story, he is a total victim. I broke his heart for NO reason whatsoever. In his mind, I didn't leave him for his drinking but because I'm 'fooling around' on him. I must be in his mind because I've never denied him like I do now. While he will admit sometimes that he has a serious drinking problem, many times he denies this fact or minimizes it.
And that's okay.
I don't have to convince him that his drinking is a problem.
I don't have to defend myself against his rediculous accusations.
He's free to think what he wants. And so am I. Thank God!! And if I can just refrain from jumping into the same, old, familiar pattern of communicating with him (or trying to communicate unsuccessfully), I'm going to get better and make progress. And that's what I REALLY want...is to get better and to improve my life.
"do not engage"
"Just do not engage"
to myself over the last several weeks, I'd be a very rich woman.
I'm not always successful but I"m getting better because I KNOW without a doubt that there is absolutely NOTHING to be gained by engaging in 'the dance'.
He's got his own story. In his story, he is a total victim. I broke his heart for NO reason whatsoever. In his mind, I didn't leave him for his drinking but because I'm 'fooling around' on him. I must be in his mind because I've never denied him like I do now. While he will admit sometimes that he has a serious drinking problem, many times he denies this fact or minimizes it.
And that's okay.
I don't have to convince him that his drinking is a problem.
I don't have to defend myself against his rediculous accusations.
He's free to think what he wants. And so am I. Thank God!! And if I can just refrain from jumping into the same, old, familiar pattern of communicating with him (or trying to communicate unsuccessfully), I'm going to get better and make progress. And that's what I REALLY want...is to get better and to improve my life.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: FL
Posts: 63
I can totally relate to this post. I can feel a "storm" coming.. Sometimes I grab an "umbrella" so the rain doesn't hit me and sometimes i just stand there and get hit by "lightening"...
this weekend, i didn't grab an umbrella.. My RAH started with pouring out a pepsi on my arm instead of in the sink while i was doing dishes. I told him to stop and of course he did it one more time and then turned the whole situation around on me that i "got upset" at something soo little.. I just didn't want that sticky stuff on my ARM!! then he threw my clothes on the couch from the dryer without folding them and when i said i prefer my clothes not done like that.. Then he comes back with HE is NOT my child and i don't speak to him that way.. blah, blah, blah.. Then it was "we always" fight, nothing has changed since he quit drinking and ending with... him saying I'm going to fix it.. I'll just go drink!!
he left and returned later.. normal.. (rolling eyes).. i don't know if he drank...
this weekend, i didn't grab an umbrella.. My RAH started with pouring out a pepsi on my arm instead of in the sink while i was doing dishes. I told him to stop and of course he did it one more time and then turned the whole situation around on me that i "got upset" at something soo little.. I just didn't want that sticky stuff on my ARM!! then he threw my clothes on the couch from the dryer without folding them and when i said i prefer my clothes not done like that.. Then he comes back with HE is NOT my child and i don't speak to him that way.. blah, blah, blah.. Then it was "we always" fight, nothing has changed since he quit drinking and ending with... him saying I'm going to fix it.. I'll just go drink!!
he left and returned later.. normal.. (rolling eyes).. i don't know if he drank...
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
Is he in AA, and working a 12 step program?
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
. It still hurt but I know it is HIS problem. I did nothing wrong in my interaction with him.
Yes, This!. It is his problem, and he wants to engage me into it. I am having a fine day, I dont want to be pulled into strife where it need not be.
There was 1 night when my ex almost attacked some homeless guy who he thought was threatening our car (he wasn't; the guy was just standing there.) with a mag flashlight.
I think the crux of this, for me, is alot about keeping my side of the street clean, and then when the dust settles, as it ususally does, I did not partake of lower emotional grappling.
In this case with the RAH, he gets almost paranoid or just plain annoyed with strangers, picks a fight in his mind with some guy in a restaurant, makes up all kinds of scenarios that dont need to be engaged with. Its so negative and WILL ruin his day, and has the potential to ruin mine.
I dont think like that. I dont look around for people trying to "clown" me, or people looking at me sideways. He always seems so ready to pick a fight, even just in his head.
Example: On Sunday, at a restaurant he thought some man was laughing at his clothes.(?) He just could not stop going on about it, and was still grumbling about it long after. He attacked the mans ethnic group, made up all kinds of things that the man was, and I honestly could clearly see it was simply not happening. So, I just said, "some people are threatened by others. You dont have to worry about that or take offense, just live and let live." This was me "not having his back..."
I just said, "You know I support you in every way, but I just dont want to take part in unneccessary negativity today.Im sorry that you feel that way."
I did not play any further than that. And he apologized later for his "mood issue".
Then yesterday, at a picnic, he was annoyed that he was the only one looking after the kids who were playing in a baby pool. Everyone had their eyes on their kids, and it was fine, but he was martyring himself...meow meow. I was aware that it really had more to do with his annoyance at people having beers. But, I called him out, and called him a part pooper, called him a martyr, etc.
Then I had to contend with the whole part that I took part in. Calling him out, calling him names, etc. It was not even real. BUt, I forgot, and paid the price. We argued well into the evening over it. So dumb. I knew better.
And so, I think it kind of comes down to that: I know better, like an older kid playing with younger ones. The older kids know better, and know that the little kids dont know how to act just yet.
I know how to act. I dont have to act like a little kid, just because he does.
Walking away is a choice, as is making non committal comments, and diverting his attention from his negative mindset.
Yes, This!. It is his problem, and he wants to engage me into it. I am having a fine day, I dont want to be pulled into strife where it need not be.
There was 1 night when my ex almost attacked some homeless guy who he thought was threatening our car (he wasn't; the guy was just standing there.) with a mag flashlight.
I think the crux of this, for me, is alot about keeping my side of the street clean, and then when the dust settles, as it ususally does, I did not partake of lower emotional grappling.
In this case with the RAH, he gets almost paranoid or just plain annoyed with strangers, picks a fight in his mind with some guy in a restaurant, makes up all kinds of scenarios that dont need to be engaged with. Its so negative and WILL ruin his day, and has the potential to ruin mine.
I dont think like that. I dont look around for people trying to "clown" me, or people looking at me sideways. He always seems so ready to pick a fight, even just in his head.
Example: On Sunday, at a restaurant he thought some man was laughing at his clothes.(?) He just could not stop going on about it, and was still grumbling about it long after. He attacked the mans ethnic group, made up all kinds of things that the man was, and I honestly could clearly see it was simply not happening. So, I just said, "some people are threatened by others. You dont have to worry about that or take offense, just live and let live." This was me "not having his back..."
I just said, "You know I support you in every way, but I just dont want to take part in unneccessary negativity today.Im sorry that you feel that way."
I did not play any further than that. And he apologized later for his "mood issue".
Then yesterday, at a picnic, he was annoyed that he was the only one looking after the kids who were playing in a baby pool. Everyone had their eyes on their kids, and it was fine, but he was martyring himself...meow meow. I was aware that it really had more to do with his annoyance at people having beers. But, I called him out, and called him a part pooper, called him a martyr, etc.
Then I had to contend with the whole part that I took part in. Calling him out, calling him names, etc. It was not even real. BUt, I forgot, and paid the price. We argued well into the evening over it. So dumb. I knew better.
And so, I think it kind of comes down to that: I know better, like an older kid playing with younger ones. The older kids know better, and know that the little kids dont know how to act just yet.
I know how to act. I dont have to act like a little kid, just because he does.
Walking away is a choice, as is making non committal comments, and diverting his attention from his negative mindset.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Sandrawg
No, he is on 9 months sober tomorrw. He may have relapsed once for one night, but I do not know that for sure. , but he is sober now, and He does not go to meetings, have a sponsor or anything. He is a dry drunk
No, he is on 9 months sober tomorrw. He may have relapsed once for one night, but I do not know that for sure. , but he is sober now, and He does not go to meetings, have a sponsor or anything. He is a dry drunk
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
That's got to be tough on you. Seems like the same problems are there-he's just not getting drunk to deal with them.
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
Sandrawg
No, he is on 9 months sober tomorrw. He may have relapsed once for one night, but I do not know that for sure. , but he is sober now, and He does not go to meetings, have a sponsor or anything. He is a dry drunk
No, he is on 9 months sober tomorrw. He may have relapsed once for one night, but I do not know that for sure. , but he is sober now, and He does not go to meetings, have a sponsor or anything. He is a dry drunk
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 338
The stories made me laugh-even though this is not a laughing matter. But your descriptions were just like my husband. He has this camo cap that he wears backwards. Its not really a fashion statement but hey- to each his own. One day he says that when he ran into some people at work he did not know if they were smiling at him or laughing at him. So I said that if he was feeling self conscious maybe he should not wear it. "I did not say I was self conscious!" Okay then. The other thing he does is that he always has to do something one more time when you ask him to stop. We always joked around about it. I always thought it was his OCD, but now I think it might be his need to not be told what to do. For some reason that got huge towards the last few years.
Misery loves company.
Misery loves company.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
The paranoia, the thinking that EVERYTHING is about them...that's the craziest part for me to get a handle on. However, I think (and these stories all helped me see it) that they are the young, insecure, self-conscious little kid who is desperately trying to fit in. But they try so hard, it comes off all wrong and they get totally defensive and end up being on the offensive 99% of the time. Which becomes obnoxious and hurtful and the dance continues.
Until we stop! When I realized my ExABF was truly behaving and speaking to me like a 15 year old brat, I just stopped talking to him. It was pointless and it kept me from feeling crazy. It made me sad, but I really SAW that he is trapped in a mind set and an addiction that thoroughly prevent him from being a MAN who is able to participate equally in an adult relationship. THAT is what helped me to finally begin to detach.
Until we stop! When I realized my ExABF was truly behaving and speaking to me like a 15 year old brat, I just stopped talking to him. It was pointless and it kept me from feeling crazy. It made me sad, but I really SAW that he is trapped in a mind set and an addiction that thoroughly prevent him from being a MAN who is able to participate equally in an adult relationship. THAT is what helped me to finally begin to detach.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Heres a newer one...
My Rah has been bouncing back and forth on the idea of starting to take a psychiatric medication that a doc did prescribe to him several months ago.
He decides, then backs out...Decides then backs out. This recent day he decided to try a supplement cocktail that has had success in treating some of the anxiety, tourretts type symptoms he gets. He heard about it first from me, but ignored it until a "friend" (they are always these unnamed friends) suggested it as well. Now, he called to ask my advice about the best place to get the ingredients was.
I have always been a bit of an authority on this w my friends and fam, because I have explored a lot of natural alternative stuff for health.
I suggested our local co op, which I frequent, and which will carry a higher quality, more potent version of whichever he wants. I explained vitamins are like wine, or anything else, in that the local rite aid will have the common less quality and a specialty store will know more, and have the better stuff.
He agreed, and then got that tone in his voice.
He started to ask the questions again. Same questions, and why should I go there, etcc?
I said, becuase people go to the co op just for that reason, they know that the co op specializes and they need a higher quality than one a day whatever.
He paused, then said,
"c'mon, Buffalo66, people go to the co op because they need an identity. They are minions without a personal will to have their own identity, so they go to the 'health food store' to bolster an idea that they have about themselves as 'healthy, conscious people...' "
I excused myself from the phone call.
HE literally made the first go 'round, in a normal communicative, mutually respecting conversation, and when he realized I was helping him (oh no!) or assisting him in some way, he just could not bear it and came back around to try and take me down a notch.
Its so based in reaction to past traumas about power and abuse from his childhood. His mother was a domineering abuser. He cannot be safe if I am helping, because to him that translates as me having some kind of "trump card" or something.
Its so ugly and unecessary.
Anyway, I have not spoken to him in 2 days, because that was so clear. His response to my text saying a needed a break?
"I will not tolerate being treated this way any longer. I will not be made to feel that I am a terrible person for making a joke about hippies. Yu are abusive and you need help."
It was not a joke. He was taking a shot at me. He does it all the time. I just hate it so much.
My Rah has been bouncing back and forth on the idea of starting to take a psychiatric medication that a doc did prescribe to him several months ago.
He decides, then backs out...Decides then backs out. This recent day he decided to try a supplement cocktail that has had success in treating some of the anxiety, tourretts type symptoms he gets. He heard about it first from me, but ignored it until a "friend" (they are always these unnamed friends) suggested it as well. Now, he called to ask my advice about the best place to get the ingredients was.
I have always been a bit of an authority on this w my friends and fam, because I have explored a lot of natural alternative stuff for health.
I suggested our local co op, which I frequent, and which will carry a higher quality, more potent version of whichever he wants. I explained vitamins are like wine, or anything else, in that the local rite aid will have the common less quality and a specialty store will know more, and have the better stuff.
He agreed, and then got that tone in his voice.
He started to ask the questions again. Same questions, and why should I go there, etcc?
I said, becuase people go to the co op just for that reason, they know that the co op specializes and they need a higher quality than one a day whatever.
He paused, then said,
"c'mon, Buffalo66, people go to the co op because they need an identity. They are minions without a personal will to have their own identity, so they go to the 'health food store' to bolster an idea that they have about themselves as 'healthy, conscious people...' "
I excused myself from the phone call.
HE literally made the first go 'round, in a normal communicative, mutually respecting conversation, and when he realized I was helping him (oh no!) or assisting him in some way, he just could not bear it and came back around to try and take me down a notch.
Its so based in reaction to past traumas about power and abuse from his childhood. His mother was a domineering abuser. He cannot be safe if I am helping, because to him that translates as me having some kind of "trump card" or something.
Its so ugly and unecessary.
Anyway, I have not spoken to him in 2 days, because that was so clear. His response to my text saying a needed a break?
"I will not tolerate being treated this way any longer. I will not be made to feel that I am a terrible person for making a joke about hippies. Yu are abusive and you need help."
It was not a joke. He was taking a shot at me. He does it all the time. I just hate it so much.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I have reeled my investment back quite a bit.
I have been financially strung up for some time, and with summer coming, no child care, jobs not calling back, I dont know what to do!
He has been open to helping with money above and beyond child support which is new.
I feel weak, but, I am in a bad position, which kind of is worse now, as I have cut off communication now.
And he is angry, but not trying. He is holding to his idea that he is abused by me, and that he wants no more of it.
I have gone for three real, seemingly great jobs for me and my skillset. I have gotten nothing back. I mean nothing.
Now I am really stuck. I have pulled every rabbit out of my hat, I have no more financial tricks.
Dealing with him is exhausting. My investment has been returned more now than ever, with good times being sustained for longer, but his affliction creeps in, and I detach, but I cannot tolerate being accused of abuse while being abused.
So, I pull way back, and with a tentative plan to move on, but I am so really, truly scared about my son and my financial situation, and I worry about what that could mean if he decides to go for any type of custody.
He is stable to the naked (legal)eye, now, and, he has a place, and a great job, and money. He is not drinking, he is by all outside accounts doing just great!
I am depressed, jobless, and penniless right now. ANd summer is coming.
So, no, Anvil. You are right. The return is weak. BUt I am really stuck.
I have been financially strung up for some time, and with summer coming, no child care, jobs not calling back, I dont know what to do!
He has been open to helping with money above and beyond child support which is new.
I feel weak, but, I am in a bad position, which kind of is worse now, as I have cut off communication now.
And he is angry, but not trying. He is holding to his idea that he is abused by me, and that he wants no more of it.
I have gone for three real, seemingly great jobs for me and my skillset. I have gotten nothing back. I mean nothing.
Now I am really stuck. I have pulled every rabbit out of my hat, I have no more financial tricks.
Dealing with him is exhausting. My investment has been returned more now than ever, with good times being sustained for longer, but his affliction creeps in, and I detach, but I cannot tolerate being accused of abuse while being abused.
So, I pull way back, and with a tentative plan to move on, but I am so really, truly scared about my son and my financial situation, and I worry about what that could mean if he decides to go for any type of custody.
He is stable to the naked (legal)eye, now, and, he has a place, and a great job, and money. He is not drinking, he is by all outside accounts doing just great!
I am depressed, jobless, and penniless right now. ANd summer is coming.
So, no, Anvil. You are right. The return is weak. BUt I am really stuck.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Buffalo66
I am depressed, jobless, and penniless right now. ANd summer is coming.
From where I sit, it appears he wants you to be depressed, jobless and penniless. And so he tries to keep you down in order to maintain his power over you. That's just how it looks to me.
L
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