Queen Codie
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Queen Codie
So, you guys may not remember, but I'm an ACoA. I would've posted this on the ACoA page, but I'm most comfortable with this forum. So, thank you for indulging me for a minute.
My mother is Queen Codie. Bless her heart. She had gone to Al-anon a few times many years ago, and she had this really great epiphany that she needed to be selfish. And Oh. My. Goodness. My brothers are very adept in guiding me in communicating with my mother because we have to start from her perspective on everything or she just won't 'get it'.
There are several examples of this, and I'm glad to produce them, but I'm leaving that part out of this post in the interest of better brevity.
So, I finally break the news to her that ABF is out of the house. (as of 5/9).
I tell her, in short form, that he is an active alcoholic and that I'd made the decision to live separately. I told her that I didn't want my child to feel trapped, and that was the start of my decision.
She about flipped her lid! She kept saying that she knew what it was like, and that she could understand how I couldn't live that way.
I know she was trying to make it better for me somehow, but from her perspective.
I brought up that, really, I was affected from my childhood and many of my adult choices had been a direct result of having lived in a house with an active alcoholic for 17 years of my life as a child. I told her straight out that my view of doing it again now after KNOWING what it does to a child would be child abuse to my child and that I just couldn't live with myself with that knowledge if I continued living with my ABF.
She kept talking about herself. Oh. My. Goodness.
She still doesn't get it! What she did. I had forgiven her a long time ago because I knew she just had no capacity to understand it, but this conversation really hit me between the eyes.
Thanks for listening.
My mother is Queen Codie. Bless her heart. She had gone to Al-anon a few times many years ago, and she had this really great epiphany that she needed to be selfish. And Oh. My. Goodness. My brothers are very adept in guiding me in communicating with my mother because we have to start from her perspective on everything or she just won't 'get it'.
There are several examples of this, and I'm glad to produce them, but I'm leaving that part out of this post in the interest of better brevity.
So, I finally break the news to her that ABF is out of the house. (as of 5/9).
I tell her, in short form, that he is an active alcoholic and that I'd made the decision to live separately. I told her that I didn't want my child to feel trapped, and that was the start of my decision.
She about flipped her lid! She kept saying that she knew what it was like, and that she could understand how I couldn't live that way.
I know she was trying to make it better for me somehow, but from her perspective.
I brought up that, really, I was affected from my childhood and many of my adult choices had been a direct result of having lived in a house with an active alcoholic for 17 years of my life as a child. I told her straight out that my view of doing it again now after KNOWING what it does to a child would be child abuse to my child and that I just couldn't live with myself with that knowledge if I continued living with my ABF.
She kept talking about herself. Oh. My. Goodness.
She still doesn't get it! What she did. I had forgiven her a long time ago because I knew she just had no capacity to understand it, but this conversation really hit me between the eyes.
Thanks for listening.
Skipper
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
Originally Posted by jds0401 
I can relate to having a mother like this (mine is much more extreme in that she's emotionally and verbally abusive to a degree I can't be around her) and I was young when my father died (too young to know if he was a true A or just a problem drinker).....but I do know my mother is a raging codependent with extreme control issues....she will NEVER admit she's done anything wrong and just like you said she makes it all about her. She was controlling to the point she would call my jobs, and try to manipulate my boyfriends....I had to go NC in my case as it was making it impossible for me to have a chance at a healthy life.
Good for you for forgiving her! I wish I could do that - even at NC with my mother I know I need to emotionally let it go and I haven't been able to, I still have nightmares and relive some of the events of my childhood....when I was two she was so ill and stressed out she left a pan on the stove or hours and hours and fell asleep and the house caught on fire...the neighbors called 911. This is the CODIE that did this not the A - it proves to me we are just as sick as our A's. God I sometimes worry I will become her.
Good for you for breaking the cycle...I think you're doing great.
Good for you for forgiving her! I wish I could do that - even at NC with my mother I know I need to emotionally let it go and I haven't been able to, I still have nightmares and relive some of the events of my childhood....when I was two she was so ill and stressed out she left a pan on the stove or hours and hours and fell asleep and the house caught on fire...the neighbors called 911. This is the CODIE that did this not the A - it proves to me we are just as sick as our A's. God I sometimes worry I will become her.
Good for you for breaking the cycle...I think you're doing great.
JDS---
You do understand! I'm sorry your mom is still in the verbally abusive cycle. That was one hurdle we had, too, and I moved 550 miles away a few years ago to help place the physical barrier so that I could draw some boundaries. Queen Codie made sure everyone knew I did that because I was "just like" my bio-dad and had to control *her* emotions by moving. Really, she made it about her again. That is co-dependency at its finest, really. To think a grown child wouldn't flap her wings and fly....
The whole idea that I found myself mired in this situation made me determined not to live the same life a second time. I got out of it relatively quickly once I realized what I'd found myself in. I had to do a few reality checks in there to make sure I wasn't overreacting. Sure, I second-guessed myself a thousand times.
But, the point is, while you and I are proud of me for doing this, for making steps to be independent of a disease that has haunted me for a lifetime, she doesn't even have the capacity to be. Not even in a place where this is valuable. As many times as I've wished health for ABF or even for my bio-dad, I've realized health is not possible for my mom, either. The hope I might've had stored for them has been snuffed out.
Upward and onward!!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
The relationship between mom and daughter is a difficult one. I got lots of mommy issues. And I notice how I am turning to be just like her.
I wish you all the best in your recovery skipper, its sad how our parents can't see things... I am learning this with my dad... accepting parents as they are is a tough one.
My parents quack a lot, and I see a great distance between what they say and what they do.
And they are not even addicts to any substance but both are raging codependents.
I wish I had wisdom to offer..
Take care!
I wish you all the best in your recovery skipper, its sad how our parents can't see things... I am learning this with my dad... accepting parents as they are is a tough one.
My parents quack a lot, and I see a great distance between what they say and what they do.
And they are not even addicts to any substance but both are raging codependents.
I wish I had wisdom to offer..
Take care!
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