Feeling SO resentful
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 62
Feeling SO resentful
AH has been in treatment for 5 weeks. I'm happy for him. The first 2 weeks were filled with serious anger and resentment at what I had allowed our life to become. The next few weeks were much better. I read Codependent No More (twice), read here every single day and learned more and more about myself, addiction and codependency. I felt happy. I was detatching. I was "getting it." The problem right now is that I am feeling EXTREMELY resentful with my AH again. I'm trying to do things for myself and learn about myself and I have two little children to care for (4 and 1 y.o.) They literally take up every waking minute of my time. I love them and try my hardest to keep things normal for them, but at what cost? I am constantly tending to their needs while I have ZERO time to work on myself. I have no family here, one friend who lives about 30 minutes away, but is leaving for the summer. I am feeling particularly resentful this weekend. Yesterday was my 5 year wedding anniversary, and it's also of course a holiday weekend, and yet, I CANNOT wait to go back to work on Monday. Yesterday morning, AH sends me at text saying, "Happy Anniversary, I love you very much" I didn't even know how to respond. A few hrs. later I just said, "Thanks, trying to make the best of it." THEN, seconds later, he sends me 9 pictures of lions and tigers and wild cats (I am guessing he was at some zoo??) I thought, "how effing nice. I am here wiping runny noses, filling up sippy cups, breaking up fights, cleaning the house, doing laundry, cooking and RAISING your children while you are at some f*cking Big Cat encounter on our wedding anniversary?! All I want today is to spend an hour by the pool, eating a hot dog, chatting with my friend about movies, work, etc. but instead, I have to pack bathing suits, slick everyone up w/ sunblock, pack extra clothes, to ultimately go to my friends house and swim WITH the kids, feed them, entertain them and probably not even get a second to visit with my friend. Now, I know this might sound selfish and ungrateful, and believe me I am grateful for our health, home, jobs and my kids are really a joy, but the CONSTANT ROUND THE CLOCK caretaking is REALLY getting to me and I am feeling extra resentful towards AH for it. I am trying to squeeze in time to read and post here, but really, all I can get is 5 mins here, 5 mins there. How do you do it with young kids? It's supposed to be a time to be selfish, and it's just not possible.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Is there a chance that you can ask a family member or a friend to babysit the children for a few hours on a Sat or Sun afternoon, that would allow you some "me" time.
As for your hubby, I am scratching my head, what's he thinking?
As for your hubby, I am scratching my head, what's he thinking?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I'm so sorry that you're having a difficult time right now. It is hard to raise kids alone. We get very use to giving all of ourselves to those children and seem to lose ourselves along the way.
I understand resentment. I've been pretty good at it at various times in my life. I have a personal mission right now to remove resentment from my life and it is working quite well. Resentment is much like anger or hatred.......it's like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Resentment does absolutely nothing but steal our serenity and keep our minds in turmoil. It steals our energy.
I read something the other day and it was very powerful for me. The book talked about the power of "I am" statements. When we make "I am" statements to ourselves, it is FACT to us. So "I am resentful" makes it so. "I am angry" makes it so. "I am tired" makes it so. etc. When we change those powerful "I am" statements to more positives, we can also "make it so".
I am eliminating those negative "I am" statements from my mind and replacing them with positive "I am" statements. It is making a huge difference for me. Things don't seem as difficult as they use to. The things I hated doing are now much easier and seem to go better when I approach it with a different thought process.
Believe me.....I do understand your resentment. I have lived it. I didn't know I had a choice.
gentle hugs
ke
I understand resentment. I've been pretty good at it at various times in my life. I have a personal mission right now to remove resentment from my life and it is working quite well. Resentment is much like anger or hatred.......it's like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Resentment does absolutely nothing but steal our serenity and keep our minds in turmoil. It steals our energy.
I read something the other day and it was very powerful for me. The book talked about the power of "I am" statements. When we make "I am" statements to ourselves, it is FACT to us. So "I am resentful" makes it so. "I am angry" makes it so. "I am tired" makes it so. etc. When we change those powerful "I am" statements to more positives, we can also "make it so".
I am eliminating those negative "I am" statements from my mind and replacing them with positive "I am" statements. It is making a huge difference for me. Things don't seem as difficult as they use to. The things I hated doing are now much easier and seem to go better when I approach it with a different thought process.
Believe me.....I do understand your resentment. I have lived it. I didn't know I had a choice.
gentle hugs
ke
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
((((Wife)))) I can understand why you feel resentful. That is a lot to deal with on your own. I hope, as dolly suggested, that you can find some sort of daycare situation on the weekend so that you can have a couple of hours to yourself.
Is there a local gym or YWCA that offers daycare. Maybe let off some steam and frustration on a treadmill while the kids are being looked after.....
I hope today is a better day!
Hugs, HG
Is there a local gym or YWCA that offers daycare. Maybe let off some steam and frustration on a treadmill while the kids are being looked after.....
I hope today is a better day!
Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 27
wife2anaddict,
I am completely in the same boat as you. I've been keeping our son while my AW went to rehab right after my birthday and about three days before our fifth anniversary. Resentful is/was such a small word for what I feel toward her. I know that I shouldn't feel that way and I am working on me by going to al-anon and taking care of myself. Still, I believe that feeling is natural.
The thing that got me was when I had a photobook made of our son for her Mother's Day present and the first thing she said to me was "No flowers? Everyone else got flowers." I was so pissed that the present I had spent weeks on was not considered as good as a gift that only required picking up a phone.
She got out of inpatient treatment on Thursday but still taking day treatment, so we have started to slowly begin our healing process . . . but it will take a lot of time.
Anyway, I say all that to tell you to work on yourself as only you can make you happy. The feelings you feel are natural but you need to work yourself through them to have a better life for yourself.
I am completely in the same boat as you. I've been keeping our son while my AW went to rehab right after my birthday and about three days before our fifth anniversary. Resentful is/was such a small word for what I feel toward her. I know that I shouldn't feel that way and I am working on me by going to al-anon and taking care of myself. Still, I believe that feeling is natural.
The thing that got me was when I had a photobook made of our son for her Mother's Day present and the first thing she said to me was "No flowers? Everyone else got flowers." I was so pissed that the present I had spent weeks on was not considered as good as a gift that only required picking up a phone.
She got out of inpatient treatment on Thursday but still taking day treatment, so we have started to slowly begin our healing process . . . but it will take a lot of time.
Anyway, I say all that to tell you to work on yourself as only you can make you happy. The feelings you feel are natural but you need to work yourself through them to have a better life for yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
Maybe try to relax and try to enjoy this time with your children, even if the circumstances aren't ideal. Life is precious and children are your greatest accomplishment.
I know it's hard to be a single parent - I am one - but I try to remind myself that I will never get this time back with my son. They grow so quickly. Things like dishes and laundry can wait - Uno, reading stories and watching my son ride his bike or play at the park need to take precedence. No one will ever accuse me of having a house like a museum but my time with my son is precious and I want to make sure that I have my priorities straight.
Maybe try to relax and try to enjoy this time with your children, even if the circumstances aren't ideal. Life is precious and children are your greatest accomplishment.
I know it's hard to be a single parent - I am one - but I try to remind myself that I will never get this time back with my son. They grow so quickly. Things like dishes and laundry can wait - Uno, reading stories and watching my son ride his bike or play at the park need to take precedence. No one will ever accuse me of having a house like a museum but my time with my son is precious and I want to make sure that I have my priorities straight.
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