Friends with AH?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Friends with AH?
My AH told me just over a year ago that he was going to drink for the rest of his life and if I didn't like it then I could leave.
I tried very hard to 'like it' but I didn't and it was not the sort of marriage that I wanted to be in or deserved to be in, so I am leaving.
I have found a rental that I am moving into this Thursday.
I am leaving a 23 yr marriage with sadness, bitterness and anger. Maybe one day this will subside but for now its working and making me feel strong, so I am going with it.
Yesterday evening whilst discussing money my AH said that me and him are friends. I said that I am not his friend and that I dont even like him very much at the moment. He said why aren't we friends after all we have been through together, to which I replied that friends dont do what he has done to me and if they did then they wouldn't be friends for long. We choose friends who respect us, are honest with us etc.
This seems to have hit a nerve with him and he is finding it difficult to understand that I want nothing more to do with him. He tells me that he is very hurt by this.
He seems to think that he can still care for me, do odd jobs for me etc even when I move, but I want a clean break. The only time that I will expect to see him will be at our DD's weddings etc.
Funnily enough (well I found it funny), he was still busy blame-shifting tonight. He is (as expected) in denial mode about his drinking and blaming my leaving on my desision to leave! quack! He even said that it was my fault I was leaving because I moved out of the main bedroom and opened my own bank account. more quack quack! He wont accept that he loves beer more than me and that he chose beer over a 23 yr marriage and prefers to blame it on me moving out of a bedroom. quack quackity quack!
Essentially - you are leaving a 23 yr marriage because you moved out of the marital bedroom. It doesn't even make sense, complete alcoholic bull***t nonsense!
When I mentioned about him having to sell our boat (to pay out my half) he replied, well I have to sell it, so you can have your share.
To me it seems so simple - loose your wife of 23 yrs and your beloved boat so you can carry on drinking beer for the rest of your life. To them its anything but simple.
It will be the first time that I have ever lived on my own in my life (45 yrs) I am scared, but looking forward to the challenge, peace and serenity.
I tried very hard to 'like it' but I didn't and it was not the sort of marriage that I wanted to be in or deserved to be in, so I am leaving.
I have found a rental that I am moving into this Thursday.
I am leaving a 23 yr marriage with sadness, bitterness and anger. Maybe one day this will subside but for now its working and making me feel strong, so I am going with it.
Yesterday evening whilst discussing money my AH said that me and him are friends. I said that I am not his friend and that I dont even like him very much at the moment. He said why aren't we friends after all we have been through together, to which I replied that friends dont do what he has done to me and if they did then they wouldn't be friends for long. We choose friends who respect us, are honest with us etc.
This seems to have hit a nerve with him and he is finding it difficult to understand that I want nothing more to do with him. He tells me that he is very hurt by this.
He seems to think that he can still care for me, do odd jobs for me etc even when I move, but I want a clean break. The only time that I will expect to see him will be at our DD's weddings etc.
Funnily enough (well I found it funny), he was still busy blame-shifting tonight. He is (as expected) in denial mode about his drinking and blaming my leaving on my desision to leave! quack! He even said that it was my fault I was leaving because I moved out of the main bedroom and opened my own bank account. more quack quack! He wont accept that he loves beer more than me and that he chose beer over a 23 yr marriage and prefers to blame it on me moving out of a bedroom. quack quackity quack!
Essentially - you are leaving a 23 yr marriage because you moved out of the marital bedroom. It doesn't even make sense, complete alcoholic bull***t nonsense!
When I mentioned about him having to sell our boat (to pay out my half) he replied, well I have to sell it, so you can have your share.
To me it seems so simple - loose your wife of 23 yrs and your beloved boat so you can carry on drinking beer for the rest of your life. To them its anything but simple.
It will be the first time that I have ever lived on my own in my life (45 yrs) I am scared, but looking forward to the challenge, peace and serenity.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
I love your strength and clear mindedness. How A's choose the bottle over human contact and love is something I will never really understand. I am over here cheering you on. It is a huge step for you and I fully understand how scared you must be (I'm 44 and I have never lived alone either). Hugs to you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I still get the same type of distorted thinking and mine has been sober for 6 months (so he says). It's my fault I moved out and I have ruined this marriage because I did that. Now he can't trust me anymore. Ummm, ok. Well, it that was all it took to ruin a marriage, so be it!
It is kinda funny sometimes - the mental gymnastics people go through the justify their positions.
Stay strong this week. Escaping has its ups and downs, but it does have peace, and that is such a blessing!
~T
It is kinda funny sometimes - the mental gymnastics people go through the justify their positions.
Stay strong this week. Escaping has its ups and downs, but it does have peace, and that is such a blessing!
~T
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Ashland Oregon
Posts: 256
What a journey we're on ~ there's a lot to experience beyond what we thought.
AAM: I found a letter that I'd written to my ABF about my boundaries, and how he'd crossed them 4 times in 8 months with no consequences. That letter was given to him 3 years ago.
It doesn't get better. It gets worse, until we do something drastic. Sometimes, we're justifying leaving on someone else's behavior. But I like to add a layer on it of self-preservation, and motivation to be better people. Which we can't do if we spend all our time defending our humanity.
Good luck on your path!
- Sylvie
AAM: I found a letter that I'd written to my ABF about my boundaries, and how he'd crossed them 4 times in 8 months with no consequences. That letter was given to him 3 years ago.
It doesn't get better. It gets worse, until we do something drastic. Sometimes, we're justifying leaving on someone else's behavior. But I like to add a layer on it of self-preservation, and motivation to be better people. Which we can't do if we spend all our time defending our humanity.
Good luck on your path!
- Sylvie
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
Mine is in such denial that even when I wrote him a letter stating why I left he said he didn't read it. He came across like my letter made no sense so he couldn't stand to read it. Then he proceeded to make up his own reason of why I left...I won't bore you with the details since I wish I could say it was funny. It was sick...just like his denial.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 383
Oh Eight Ball...I totally hear you. It's like they are so deep into the grip of their addictions that they can no longer see, hear of feel in an normal way any longer. I know you know that he is quacking, but it still hurts. As for being scared about being on your own, that is understandable. The unknown is scary. HOWEVER you are embarking on a great adventure where you meet the most interesting, fascinating, lovable people ever...YOU. Don't be scared (alright, maybe a little bit) but it will be a journey well worth it. I promise you1
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
Eight ball....
I'm happy for you because even though I know its hard to finally make the decision to leave, you're taking responsibility for your future happiness.
I evicted my exah 5 weeks ago. I divorced him almost 6 years ago but I still kept trying to "make it work" for our son's sake.
So many broken promises. So many fights over 'the drinking'. Now that he's gone, I realize I stopped loving him a long time ago. I mean, I love him because he's my son's dad and we did have some great times together...but I haven't been 'in love' with him in forever.
Now my exah leaves voice mail messages and sends texts asking "WHY" like he really doesn't know. But what else is he going to do really? If he admits his drinking destroyed our marriage and family, it's all on him. So he has to search for another reason and the only thing he can come up with is that I must be seeing someone else.
Typical alcoholic denial and blame-shifting. But at least I see it for what it is.
I'm proud of myself for sticking to my guns this time around. But really, there is nothing else for me to do because I don't have any feelings toward my exah anymore. And I don't like the person I am when I am with him.
So hang tough and keep going...
Let's keep the focus on US and what WE want and let them figure their lives out for themselves.
I'm happy for you because even though I know its hard to finally make the decision to leave, you're taking responsibility for your future happiness.
I evicted my exah 5 weeks ago. I divorced him almost 6 years ago but I still kept trying to "make it work" for our son's sake.
So many broken promises. So many fights over 'the drinking'. Now that he's gone, I realize I stopped loving him a long time ago. I mean, I love him because he's my son's dad and we did have some great times together...but I haven't been 'in love' with him in forever.
Now my exah leaves voice mail messages and sends texts asking "WHY" like he really doesn't know. But what else is he going to do really? If he admits his drinking destroyed our marriage and family, it's all on him. So he has to search for another reason and the only thing he can come up with is that I must be seeing someone else.
Typical alcoholic denial and blame-shifting. But at least I see it for what it is.
I'm proud of myself for sticking to my guns this time around. But really, there is nothing else for me to do because I don't have any feelings toward my exah anymore. And I don't like the person I am when I am with him.
So hang tough and keep going...
Let's keep the focus on US and what WE want and let them figure their lives out for themselves.
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