Relationships In Sobriety
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 81
Relationships In Sobriety
I have been dating someone for about a year. Three months ago I decided to get sober, but prior to that our relationship was very rocky due to my drinking.
Everything had been going fine, until I noticed he began smoking weed frequently, generally at night. He doesn't drink, but his 'drug of choice' is pot. Pot is something that I never even considered a problem, and felt that if alcohol were legal, so should weed be.
I thought the fact that he smoked pot around me was the issue- he stopped. Now I realize it's the fact that he does it at all. He doesn't understand my concern; he smokes, eats, sleeps. Nothing crazy. But going through the changes that I have since becoming sober, I have realized that I don't want those things in my life. Even if no bad comes of it. I just think that deciding to get sober has affected this, yet I am still confused because I think he needs a solid reason as to why HIS pot smoking is the issue. I don't have one.
I don't want to ask him to stop- I feel as though he'll resent me for it. I also can't continue in the relationship this way. I don't know what to do.
For anyone who wants to respond, how have your relationships with significant others changed because of your sobriety? Have you had to remain in a completely sober relationship? Or have you been able to accept that not everyone is an addict, and be in a relationship with someone that does drink, smoke pot etc.
I would also like to point out that it's only the fact that we are in a relationship that it bugs me. If friends smoke pot/have the occasional beer, I don't care.
Everything had been going fine, until I noticed he began smoking weed frequently, generally at night. He doesn't drink, but his 'drug of choice' is pot. Pot is something that I never even considered a problem, and felt that if alcohol were legal, so should weed be.
I thought the fact that he smoked pot around me was the issue- he stopped. Now I realize it's the fact that he does it at all. He doesn't understand my concern; he smokes, eats, sleeps. Nothing crazy. But going through the changes that I have since becoming sober, I have realized that I don't want those things in my life. Even if no bad comes of it. I just think that deciding to get sober has affected this, yet I am still confused because I think he needs a solid reason as to why HIS pot smoking is the issue. I don't have one.
I don't want to ask him to stop- I feel as though he'll resent me for it. I also can't continue in the relationship this way. I don't know what to do.
For anyone who wants to respond, how have your relationships with significant others changed because of your sobriety? Have you had to remain in a completely sober relationship? Or have you been able to accept that not everyone is an addict, and be in a relationship with someone that does drink, smoke pot etc.
I would also like to point out that it's only the fact that we are in a relationship that it bugs me. If friends smoke pot/have the occasional beer, I don't care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
Hi Jil--
I'd say you are well within your rights to explain to BF that his smoking is, as dgillz put it, "incompatible with what you want in a relationship". I am recovering from marijuana addiction myself. My BF is recovering from something a lot harder. At this point he is struggling with stopping everything entirely, including weed, because weed isn't what he went into recovery for. Since weed is my DOC, I did not want to be around it, period. He did refrain from smoking in front of me. However, I realized that I needed our relationship to be completely sans active addiction for it to be functional. We have had a bit of a rocky road since he got out of recovery, but it's helped me a lot to figure out what I really want and what I won't put up with in my significant other. One thing I have decided for myself is that I will not be around my BF if he is high, at all. (He asked me the other day what I would do if he followed his compulsion to go out and get a bunch of benzos. I told him I would leave.) I can tell you from personal experience that marijuana IS addictive. It took me a long time to accept it, but it isn't different from other drugs in that way. It isn't as hard as most other drugs, and the damage it causes is generally subtle. This is part of what makes it dangerous because a marijuana addict will not usually recognize his or her own addictive tendencies. If you are in recovery, being in a relationship with an active addict is treacherous ground, regardless of the substance. Before my BF got out of recovery, I smoked regularly as well, but quitting (unexpectedly) has taken me down my own road to self-empowerment and living freely.
I'd say you are well within your rights to explain to BF that his smoking is, as dgillz put it, "incompatible with what you want in a relationship". I am recovering from marijuana addiction myself. My BF is recovering from something a lot harder. At this point he is struggling with stopping everything entirely, including weed, because weed isn't what he went into recovery for. Since weed is my DOC, I did not want to be around it, period. He did refrain from smoking in front of me. However, I realized that I needed our relationship to be completely sans active addiction for it to be functional. We have had a bit of a rocky road since he got out of recovery, but it's helped me a lot to figure out what I really want and what I won't put up with in my significant other. One thing I have decided for myself is that I will not be around my BF if he is high, at all. (He asked me the other day what I would do if he followed his compulsion to go out and get a bunch of benzos. I told him I would leave.) I can tell you from personal experience that marijuana IS addictive. It took me a long time to accept it, but it isn't different from other drugs in that way. It isn't as hard as most other drugs, and the damage it causes is generally subtle. This is part of what makes it dangerous because a marijuana addict will not usually recognize his or her own addictive tendencies. If you are in recovery, being in a relationship with an active addict is treacherous ground, regardless of the substance. Before my BF got out of recovery, I smoked regularly as well, but quitting (unexpectedly) has taken me down my own road to self-empowerment and living freely.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Hi Jil - just wanted to congratulate you for staying sober first of all!
I can understand how hard it would be to see your BF using. Some people can work this out and stay together, but only as long as there is mutual care and respect. If he's really an addict though, protecting his ability to use is going to come first.
What about your feelings about the relationship in general? Have they changed since you've been sober? That can happen too. When I got sober the first time, I had to face some feelings about my marriage (about myself really) that I had been avoiding for years. I started trying to analyze it - was it me? was it him?....... it kept me in limbo for a long time.
It might not be a bad idea to visit the Family&Friends section. You don't have to have a "reason" to offer your BF as to why you're unhappy with the situation. What would that do to change anything, anyway? It sounds like you just need to decide what you want (which is not always easy!). Hugs and prayers......:ghug3
I can understand how hard it would be to see your BF using. Some people can work this out and stay together, but only as long as there is mutual care and respect. If he's really an addict though, protecting his ability to use is going to come first.
What about your feelings about the relationship in general? Have they changed since you've been sober? That can happen too. When I got sober the first time, I had to face some feelings about my marriage (about myself really) that I had been avoiding for years. I started trying to analyze it - was it me? was it him?....... it kept me in limbo for a long time.
It might not be a bad idea to visit the Family&Friends section. You don't have to have a "reason" to offer your BF as to why you're unhappy with the situation. What would that do to change anything, anyway? It sounds like you just need to decide what you want (which is not always easy!). Hugs and prayers......:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 873
I never asked my wife not to drink (it's my problem, not hers) and she's usually pretty low key about it.
If it bugs you to the point that it's a dealbreaker in the relationship, so be it. Unless he volunteers to stop- it's unfair to ask him to stop and anyway that will more likely fail in the long run- unfortunately you have to move on. Life is way too short.
If it bugs you to the point that it's a dealbreaker in the relationship, so be it. Unless he volunteers to stop- it's unfair to ask him to stop and anyway that will more likely fail in the long run- unfortunately you have to move on. Life is way too short.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: California
Posts: 377
Originally Posted by Jil 
...because I think he needs a solid reason as to why HIS pot smoking is the issue. I don't have one.
So plain and simple. Your focusing on recovery, and hes not. Weather he smokes around you is besides the point.
Personally since my recovery a month back. I have distanced myself from any type of drug/alcohol users. Alcohol was my thing, but I know if I associated with any type of people who smoke/snorted/shot up, whatever. I would be jeopardizing my personal recovery, because of the users mentality. EVEN though I never was a drug user. I'd just be putting myself in bad environments.
-Ryan
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 395
Originally Posted by Jil
yet I am still confused because I think he needs a solid reason as to why HIS pot smoking is the issue. I don't have one.
I would also like to point out that it's only the fact that we are in a relationship that it bugs me. If friends smoke pot/have the occasional beer, I don't care.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Relationships with or without Sobriety????
I have been in recovery for alcoholism for 22 years & my husband has been prescribed medical marijana. It doesn't make me want a drink but does make me want to start smoking again. 
It was sooo hard for me to quit smoking so I tell myself I don't want to even start again. He does pot once a day. I couldn't just smoke one cig. a day.
The pot was prescribed for his chronic pain, glacoma, & diabetes & has already decreased the pressure in his eyes by 3 points for the glacoma.
kelsh
It was sooo hard for me to quit smoking so I tell myself I don't want to even start again. He does pot once a day. I couldn't just smoke one cig. a day.
The pot was prescribed for his chronic pain, glacoma, & diabetes & has already decreased the pressure in his eyes by 3 points for the glacoma.
kelsh
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
If it is a problem for you, it is a problem.
My husband stopped drinking around me for the first few years I got clean and sober and I do appreciate that. He occasionally has a drink now, but is never drunk.
I don't care if other people smoke pot but I'm not going to hang around with them, it's not part of who I want to be. My husband is in the military so pot smoking isn't an issue here.
My husband stopped drinking around me for the first few years I got clean and sober and I do appreciate that. He occasionally has a drink now, but is never drunk.
I don't care if other people smoke pot but I'm not going to hang around with them, it's not part of who I want to be. My husband is in the military so pot smoking isn't an issue here.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 1,028
This isn't easy. My husband refuses to have alcohol in the house for my own safety and that of our son. Yes, this is my problem but it is also well known that alcoholism is a family problem as well. If you continue with this relationship and then down the road decide to have a family with this person do you want your children to grow up with a parent that is using? I guess it comes down to how you want to live your life. This is really an important issue that couples gloss over; I wouldn't even date a smoker when I was younger. How is this any different? I didn't want my kids to be around cigarettes. Then I go and progress into a full blown alcoholic. Oh well ramble ramble.
It's a personal preference and tolerance thing. If you don't want it in your life and he does eventually the relationship will end.
JMHO.
It's a personal preference and tolerance thing. If you don't want it in your life and he does eventually the relationship will end.
JMHO.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
I do believe that close relationships change when one person becomes sober. I changed a lot, from the inside out and so my feelings about the relationship changed, so things are different - not better or worse, just different.
It does sound like this is something that you don't want to be involved with, so it seems like you have your answer.
It does sound like this is something that you don't want to be involved with, so it seems like you have your answer.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
The oddest thing happened to me when I started recovery....
the guys I found so interesting and attractive no longer appealed to me..
The drinking me sure picked a lot of men who were toxic to my new lifestyle..
They survived breakups..I let them go and thrived..
the guys I found so interesting and attractive no longer appealed to me..
The drinking me sure picked a lot of men who were toxic to my new lifestyle..
They survived breakups..I let them go and thrived..
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: I'm exactly where I should be.
Posts: 1,889
As humans we are constantly growing, changing and evolving...addictive behavior or not. People do change. My husband and I separated before I quit drinking. Now I am glad because it gave me the opportunity for me to grow and finally be who I want to be. To get to know myself, per se`.
Obviously, you are changing and obviously this is bothersome for you. Ultimately, the choice is yours...stay and have these constant issues or split and continue on your sober journey to where you're heart leads you. May I suggest not getting stuck in the mud. Let yourself experience life sober and free.
I work in a very public place in a very busy town and I have yet to even see ANYONE that even is remotely interesting to me. I have enough baggage of my own that I'm unpacking I'd don't need anyone else's.
It's ok to be alone and get to know who you are. But like the choice we have to quit drinking, this is also your choice.
Obviously, you are changing and obviously this is bothersome for you. Ultimately, the choice is yours...stay and have these constant issues or split and continue on your sober journey to where you're heart leads you. May I suggest not getting stuck in the mud. Let yourself experience life sober and free.
I work in a very public place in a very busy town and I have yet to even see ANYONE that even is remotely interesting to me. I have enough baggage of my own that I'm unpacking I'd don't need anyone else's.
It's ok to be alone and get to know who you are. But like the choice we have to quit drinking, this is also your choice.
KCB.com/justfortoday :-)
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Glasgow, Scotland
Posts: 168
I think give him a chance to change but I personally wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who uses drugs that frequently. My partner drinks but is not an alcoholic but I wouldn't like her to take drugs. I guess I see it as different to having a few drinks.
I think you should pray on it - do what you feel is right. I am a strong believer that your gut instinct is your HP talking to you.
I wish you all the best xx
I think you should pray on it - do what you feel is right. I am a strong believer that your gut instinct is your HP talking to you.
I wish you all the best xx
Guest
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 186
I can relate to this. My ex boyfriend smoked pot a lot. Everyday in fact, several times a day. The thing is that when you are into an addiction you are kinda sleepwalking through life I think. As the sober one you end up feeling like your boyfriend is compleately in his own world with his addiction and that you don't really relate to that anymore..
A lot of people adviced me to start smoking pot on a regular basis when I gave up drinking, because that would have been the logical substitute for alcohol. But the more I have gotten in to sobriety, the more I have started to enjoy just having a clear mind, and experiencing the world with my eyes open, so to speak. I no longer feel the need to replace drinking ( and nothing will ever replace it for me anyway).
I am now a sober person, and I see things differently than when I was into my addiction. So it's not so strange that you want that same thing from a partner then, is it?
I never really asked him to quit, I don't like telling other people to do things just to make me comfortable, but the relationship ended anyway.
A lot of people adviced me to start smoking pot on a regular basis when I gave up drinking, because that would have been the logical substitute for alcohol. But the more I have gotten in to sobriety, the more I have started to enjoy just having a clear mind, and experiencing the world with my eyes open, so to speak. I no longer feel the need to replace drinking ( and nothing will ever replace it for me anyway).
I am now a sober person, and I see things differently than when I was into my addiction. So it's not so strange that you want that same thing from a partner then, is it?
I never really asked him to quit, I don't like telling other people to do things just to make me comfortable, but the relationship ended anyway.
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