Quit doing this to myself!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
Quit doing this to myself!
I need to quit talking to HIS family. They truly think I will take him back. The only reason I talk to them is about the kids and it keeps going side tracked with them and the blame is on me!
So, exA hasn't seen the kids in what 3 weeks..I don't even know why they didn't call, they were mad or something and of course take it out on the kids! but that is besides the point. exA's mother decides to call to ask if they can have the kids on Memorial day. I said that should be okay. I had something to go to tonight (Sun) so I asked for them to stay the night, but it can only be at their house (the grandparents, not exA's) So she says yeah that should work if you bring them at 7:30/8pm. I'm thinking why so late?! my thing I wanted to attend is at 6pm.So I told her nevermind that won't work and I'll set it up with my parents and they will have to forget about monday.
She calls back saying "ohh well exA has tickets to see the WWE wrestling and already bought tickets, he won't be back till 8pm sunday night. we were planning on shopping the whole day on sunday, but I can maybe switch days we shop instead." So she tells me to plan on bringing them sunday afternoon.
Next day she calls me back and says, "Well everyone thinks we don't need to change our plans just to help you out when you have plans and need a sitter. It's not our job. You are giving me an ulcer with this back and forth talk and I hate being the middle person!! (She's our third party for the visits with the kids) You guys just need to be able to talk and communicate." @ one point she was being down right nasty I hung up.
I know they just want me to drop the OFP. But at this rate and with the verbal abuse crap I get from them noooo way!
ExA's dad calls me. He hasn't been involved in talking with me at all. So, its basically the ring around the rosie blame lindsey for everything and exA didn't cause all the problems because according to them I yell just as much too. I asked him to name ONE thing I did wrong. He really couldn't. He said I was telling them they are bad grandparents!? (never did and what does that have to do with their SON!?) He said I yelled at exA just as much and I hurt him when I was trying to get his cell phone.
These people are sooo toxic. His dad works for the county. He thinks he knows everything. I said, "well so you think the courts are going to just hand me an OFP just for the fun of it?" He thinks I need to go to the court house and tell the courts that I want to be able to communicate with exA about the kids and just about the kids. I said NO that is exA's job and quite frankly I don't want to speak to him. If he would like to see his kids and since you don't want to be the third party then HE NEEDS to take it to the courts.
They are playing games. His dad was only calling to say that exA is willing to not go to the stupid WWE crap and take the kids sunday thru monday. I said NO, I already have my plans set to visit my parents and were not changing it again! Finally, it came down too me repeating that I will never ever get back together with him and he will have to take me to court. His dad had the nerve to put down the domestic abuse program I was using. He said, "That is only for people who are being severly beatened and abused! Yelling does not count as abuse!!" Ohh and "In those alanon classes they sure teach you how to be controlling!!and I don't agree with any of that."
The drama works me up. makes me bawl on the phone everytime too. I keep thinking...okay, maybe this time they will actually wanna see the kids or maybe this time they won't say hurtful things to me. It stops now, I cannot keep hoping and wishing that one day they will get it because they probably never will.
I cannot change them.period. Wasting my time trying.
Sorry this is long and boring but I just have to get it out.
So, exA hasn't seen the kids in what 3 weeks..I don't even know why they didn't call, they were mad or something and of course take it out on the kids! but that is besides the point. exA's mother decides to call to ask if they can have the kids on Memorial day. I said that should be okay. I had something to go to tonight (Sun) so I asked for them to stay the night, but it can only be at their house (the grandparents, not exA's) So she says yeah that should work if you bring them at 7:30/8pm. I'm thinking why so late?! my thing I wanted to attend is at 6pm.So I told her nevermind that won't work and I'll set it up with my parents and they will have to forget about monday.
She calls back saying "ohh well exA has tickets to see the WWE wrestling and already bought tickets, he won't be back till 8pm sunday night. we were planning on shopping the whole day on sunday, but I can maybe switch days we shop instead." So she tells me to plan on bringing them sunday afternoon.
Next day she calls me back and says, "Well everyone thinks we don't need to change our plans just to help you out when you have plans and need a sitter. It's not our job. You are giving me an ulcer with this back and forth talk and I hate being the middle person!! (She's our third party for the visits with the kids) You guys just need to be able to talk and communicate." @ one point she was being down right nasty I hung up.
I know they just want me to drop the OFP. But at this rate and with the verbal abuse crap I get from them noooo way!
ExA's dad calls me. He hasn't been involved in talking with me at all. So, its basically the ring around the rosie blame lindsey for everything and exA didn't cause all the problems because according to them I yell just as much too. I asked him to name ONE thing I did wrong. He really couldn't. He said I was telling them they are bad grandparents!? (never did and what does that have to do with their SON!?) He said I yelled at exA just as much and I hurt him when I was trying to get his cell phone.
These people are sooo toxic. His dad works for the county. He thinks he knows everything. I said, "well so you think the courts are going to just hand me an OFP just for the fun of it?" He thinks I need to go to the court house and tell the courts that I want to be able to communicate with exA about the kids and just about the kids. I said NO that is exA's job and quite frankly I don't want to speak to him. If he would like to see his kids and since you don't want to be the third party then HE NEEDS to take it to the courts.
They are playing games. His dad was only calling to say that exA is willing to not go to the stupid WWE crap and take the kids sunday thru monday. I said NO, I already have my plans set to visit my parents and were not changing it again! Finally, it came down too me repeating that I will never ever get back together with him and he will have to take me to court. His dad had the nerve to put down the domestic abuse program I was using. He said, "That is only for people who are being severly beatened and abused! Yelling does not count as abuse!!" Ohh and "In those alanon classes they sure teach you how to be controlling!!and I don't agree with any of that."
The drama works me up. makes me bawl on the phone everytime too. I keep thinking...okay, maybe this time they will actually wanna see the kids or maybe this time they won't say hurtful things to me. It stops now, I cannot keep hoping and wishing that one day they will get it because they probably never will.
I cannot change them.period. Wasting my time trying.
Sorry this is long and boring but I just have to get it out.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
It's not boring.
Someone lurking could be experiencing the same thing, we never know.
Good for you holding your space.
You have a right to hold your own line.
That's usually what abusers and their families hate more than anything
is the one they've pounded on
(Whether physically, mentally or emotionally)
so suddenly not be available for any further abuse.
I hope your weekend turns into a great one!
Someone lurking could be experiencing the same thing, we never know.
Good for you holding your space.
You have a right to hold your own line.
That's usually what abusers and their families hate more than anything
is the one they've pounded on
(Whether physically, mentally or emotionally)
so suddenly not be available for any further abuse.
I hope your weekend turns into a great one!
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I'm sorry it seems like they want to push/pull you when you've already said "Enough!" before. It's hard to make plans for children when everyone's schedule seems tied up. What works for many families is to go ahead and get the times/dates in writing ahead of time so there is no question going forward.
I hope you get your boundaries set where you're comfortable so you can continue being the mom you need to be!
I hope you get your boundaries set where you're comfortable so you can continue being the mom you need to be!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Yikes! I know you know this already but why listen to that crap at all? Well...maybe it can go into your - these people are crazy - brain file for future reminders.
I was feeling bad for a while because my in-laws have dropped me like a hot rotten potato, talk about radio silence. Now I see where the RAH gets that tactic. Burying your head in the sand and you see nothing, feel nothing. Yeesh - what a sad way of dealing with life. Yours is no different - just confrontational anger instead of quiet, seething anger. People don't like not getting their way!
Stay strong and don't let people like that push you around. Al-non teaches us to be controlling, eh? I hope you took that as a compliment that you are setting boundaries and its working!
I was feeling bad for a while because my in-laws have dropped me like a hot rotten potato, talk about radio silence. Now I see where the RAH gets that tactic. Burying your head in the sand and you see nothing, feel nothing. Yeesh - what a sad way of dealing with life. Yours is no different - just confrontational anger instead of quiet, seething anger. People don't like not getting their way!
Stay strong and don't let people like that push you around. Al-non teaches us to be controlling, eh? I hope you took that as a compliment that you are setting boundaries and its working!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hugs, Lindsey. Dear god, it sounds familiar. A year ago, XSIL was ringing me yelling about me needing to make her brother see his son. Oddly enough, even though see is one of the visitation superviors appointed by the court, she's NEVER acted in that role. XFIL told our neighbor 3 weeks ago that that was the first time he's been able to see DS because I wasn't letting them. They both routinely blame me for their lack of involvement with their nephew/grandson.
Fat lot of rot. Ticks me off, makes cry. Makes me wonder just what the h-ll was my problem that I married into that family.
I'm sorry that you're having to deal with them. I wish I had any advice to offer... I would like to say I appreciate reading that I'm not alone with similar cr-p, even while I'm sorry that you are.
Fat lot of rot. Ticks me off, makes cry. Makes me wonder just what the h-ll was my problem that I married into that family.
I'm sorry that you're having to deal with them. I wish I had any advice to offer... I would like to say I appreciate reading that I'm not alone with similar cr-p, even while I'm sorry that you are.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
I will suggest that you honor yourself and your own wisdom in the situation. It is tough but you understand the players, the game, and you want the best for all involved. Take good care of yourself and your kids. You know what to do and how to do it. Please stop doubting yourself and your intentions - you only want to do what is good and healthy for all. Breathe, talk, and take whatever action you need to set the limits and live your life.
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