what do you tell your children?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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what do you tell your children?
I've mentioned, probably several times, my sister's screaming rages launching me toward the full realization that my father is an alcoholic, and (I later realized/ admitted) also an exhibitionist, and my family a classic dysfunctional alcoholic system. I've always been the problem child in their minds, but now I'm REALLY awful because I finally said enough. And I'm sure they've all heard, too, that I finally told my dad he was a fine one to be giving me parenting advice after the ugly things he's said and done to me over the years. He says he never did any of it, and I'm imagining it, and I'm sure they all believe that.
So tonight, my sister stopped by and sent my older ds in to tell the younger boys to come out and say hello. This is my sister of the screaming rages. The one who apologized BUT said I needed to admit her behavior is really my fault. The one who insists on being a friend with full access to my page on fb but virtually never interacts, even though she's on quite often. I thought I'd be the peacemaker, at least go out and say hello.
She was all cheerful and laughing, giving horse rides to the little boys, hugging dd15 and inviting her to come up to visit for a weekend, etc. And treated me like I didn't exist. Didn't look at me, didn't say hello, nothing.
I will not be spending my time and money to help dd have a relationship with someone who snubs me like this, in my own yard, no less, with my own children. Do I tell dd why I won't be driving her up, or just keep making excuses (not this weekend, we're busy) and letting her hope for what's never going to happen?
So tonight, my sister stopped by and sent my older ds in to tell the younger boys to come out and say hello. This is my sister of the screaming rages. The one who apologized BUT said I needed to admit her behavior is really my fault. The one who insists on being a friend with full access to my page on fb but virtually never interacts, even though she's on quite often. I thought I'd be the peacemaker, at least go out and say hello.
She was all cheerful and laughing, giving horse rides to the little boys, hugging dd15 and inviting her to come up to visit for a weekend, etc. And treated me like I didn't exist. Didn't look at me, didn't say hello, nothing.
I will not be spending my time and money to help dd have a relationship with someone who snubs me like this, in my own yard, no less, with my own children. Do I tell dd why I won't be driving her up, or just keep making excuses (not this weekend, we're busy) and letting her hope for what's never going to happen?
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what do you tell your children?
If it were me, I would refuse to admit her behavior was my fault. I struggle to not let others rent space in my head and also refuse to be responsible for someone else's behavior and/or happiness.
Kids are a lot smarter than we realize sometimes.
My mother took my 20 year old son out for his birthday. She also explained to him why she would not be going to any family functions in which his grandfather or uncle would be present.
(parents divorced in 1983, mother remarried for 9 years-now a widow, father currently has a girlfriend) Every holiday/function there has been a "problem" since 1983 because mostly my mother could not figure out how to be in the same room as my father- even when she was remarried to the most "wonderful" guy- she still let my father ruin her fun.
Of course it can't be easy. My stepdaughter is getting married next year and I'll have to deal with her mother for the first time in 20 something years. To say we dislike each other is an understatement. But in order for me to be at this wedding w/my family- I need to figure out how to deal with it.
My mother explained to my son how she did this when the kids were little and now that they are old enough to UNDERSTAND why she cannot be around their grandfather and uncle she didn't have to do this anymore.
Apparently my son doesn't see things like she does and he told her now that he's older, he thinks she needs to "suck it up" and go to these functions.
I haven't talked to my son yet about this. My husband told me. I know my mother was not expecting his response.
Not giving advice, just relating what is going on in my dysfunctional family.
take care,
Kids are a lot smarter than we realize sometimes.
My mother took my 20 year old son out for his birthday. She also explained to him why she would not be going to any family functions in which his grandfather or uncle would be present.
(parents divorced in 1983, mother remarried for 9 years-now a widow, father currently has a girlfriend) Every holiday/function there has been a "problem" since 1983 because mostly my mother could not figure out how to be in the same room as my father- even when she was remarried to the most "wonderful" guy- she still let my father ruin her fun.
Of course it can't be easy. My stepdaughter is getting married next year and I'll have to deal with her mother for the first time in 20 something years. To say we dislike each other is an understatement. But in order for me to be at this wedding w/my family- I need to figure out how to deal with it.
My mother explained to my son how she did this when the kids were little and now that they are old enough to UNDERSTAND why she cannot be around their grandfather and uncle she didn't have to do this anymore.
Apparently my son doesn't see things like she does and he told her now that he's older, he thinks she needs to "suck it up" and go to these functions.
I haven't talked to my son yet about this. My husband told me. I know my mother was not expecting his response.
Not giving advice, just relating what is going on in my dysfunctional family.
take care,
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The truth will out. If you think dd is old enough to understand the concept of "bad for me", "makes me upset", or "unhealthy" or any other term you can use to describe the situation - and I mean truly understand, not just know what the words mean - then I would tell her.
Because if she finds you've been lying all these years, that will do far more damage. You can tell her this is an issue between you and your sister and really has nothing to do with dd. Lying to dd is pretty much the same (IMO) as the lying we did when we were younger to cover up the dysfunction. Show dd the elephant, let her decide what she wants to do with it.
If she's too young to understand, then I would wait until she was old enough and disillusion her as soon as she can understand. Meanwhile, I would simply try to not bring it up.
These are muddy waters you find yourself in, visibility is poor and there is no "right" thing to do. We do the best we can at the time with the information we have. But perpetuating the lying/covering up of the truth is not healthy for anyone - you or dd or anyone else.
I wish you much luck in this.
Because if she finds you've been lying all these years, that will do far more damage. You can tell her this is an issue between you and your sister and really has nothing to do with dd. Lying to dd is pretty much the same (IMO) as the lying we did when we were younger to cover up the dysfunction. Show dd the elephant, let her decide what she wants to do with it.
If she's too young to understand, then I would wait until she was old enough and disillusion her as soon as she can understand. Meanwhile, I would simply try to not bring it up.
These are muddy waters you find yourself in, visibility is poor and there is no "right" thing to do. We do the best we can at the time with the information we have. But perpetuating the lying/covering up of the truth is not healthy for anyone - you or dd or anyone else.
I wish you much luck in this.
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Thank you, all. This is a really hard thing, because I think you're all right, and yet I know my kids don't want to hear it. They want it all to just go away. My sisters and parents treat them fine, and they want us all just to be a happy family again.
It's a catch-22 or at least feels like it, because I know if I keep going 'for their sake,' they'll eventually lose respect for me because I keep allowing them to treat me that way, or they'll learn from the example that they can, too.
It's a catch-22 or at least feels like it, because I know if I keep going 'for their sake,' they'll eventually lose respect for me because I keep allowing them to treat me that way, or they'll learn from the example that they can, too.
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Join Date: Apr 2011
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Originally Posted by EveningRose 
I know if I keep going 'for their sake,' they'll eventually lose respect for me because I keep allowing them to treat me that way, or they'll learn from the example that they can, too.
For me, I finally realized that my poor relationship with my sister's kids wasn't about me or what I was or wasn't doing--it was about my older sister trash-talking about me to them.
I am learning tools here that are making me feel a whole lot better about myself and my situation.
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