slow motion car wreck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
slow motion car wreck
Hi everyone. I'm somewhat new to the forum, but have been in Al-Anon a few years. Even though I have been there a few years, I'm still not very far along.
So, here's my current situation. I decided a few weeks back, that I no longer was going to let me AH live amongst myself and our two boys (4 and 7). I asked him to find a new place to live for awhile.
He waffled and begged and dragged his feet, and after a couple of days of digging in my heels, he finally left.
It was like a slow motion car wreck. I know that getting kicked out are his consequences, but standing my ground was like having a knife twisted in my gut, over and over and over.
I am standing firm. He continues to plead, each time I hear from him, that he wants to come back. More of the knife twisting in my gut. It truly hurts to do this. This is our sweet 16th year of marriage, and it currently is pretty sour.
I am reading my Al Anon material and trying to grow.
I needed to find Fathers Day cards today, and that made me again realize how hard it was for me to separate the alcoholism from the person that I love. I am so mad at and hurt by the alcoholism, that I forget about the guy inside there. I will keep reading...
So, here's my current situation. I decided a few weeks back, that I no longer was going to let me AH live amongst myself and our two boys (4 and 7). I asked him to find a new place to live for awhile.
He waffled and begged and dragged his feet, and after a couple of days of digging in my heels, he finally left.
It was like a slow motion car wreck. I know that getting kicked out are his consequences, but standing my ground was like having a knife twisted in my gut, over and over and over.
I am standing firm. He continues to plead, each time I hear from him, that he wants to come back. More of the knife twisting in my gut. It truly hurts to do this. This is our sweet 16th year of marriage, and it currently is pretty sour.
I am reading my Al Anon material and trying to grow.
I needed to find Fathers Day cards today, and that made me again realize how hard it was for me to separate the alcoholism from the person that I love. I am so mad at and hurt by the alcoholism, that I forget about the guy inside there. I will keep reading...
Trudging that road.
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Seattle Wa
Posts: 6,840
Hi there GIMR,
I know being an alcoholic myself, and being sober 7 years, that when people stopped allowing me to run havoc in their lives I was left with having to face my consequences.
Facing my consequences was one of the first steps in my road to recovery. I know how hard it is for you but, believe me you really are doing the best thing all the way around, at least in my honest opinion.
Till everyone shut the door on me and stopped enabling my disease, did I reach out for help.
Its his disease not yours and you are entitled to live a drama free life especially taking care of two kids.
So stay strong, and when you think you are making the wrong choice, think of this alcoholic who got sober once and for all, when everyone forced me to have to take an honest look at what I was doing to myself and my family.
Peace & blessings
I know being an alcoholic myself, and being sober 7 years, that when people stopped allowing me to run havoc in their lives I was left with having to face my consequences.
Facing my consequences was one of the first steps in my road to recovery. I know how hard it is for you but, believe me you really are doing the best thing all the way around, at least in my honest opinion.
Till everyone shut the door on me and stopped enabling my disease, did I reach out for help.
Its his disease not yours and you are entitled to live a drama free life especially taking care of two kids.
So stay strong, and when you think you are making the wrong choice, think of this alcoholic who got sober once and for all, when everyone forced me to have to take an honest look at what I was doing to myself and my family.
Peace & blessings
You will find much peace and wisdom here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 428
Welcome! What an amazing step you have taken for your family and your AH. It must be hard and I can only imagine what pain you must be going through. While I am starting to entertain thoughts of forcing some separation I am not there yet. I am willing to see how things go over the next few months and then if positive steps are not taken ,it is back to work I go so that we can afford for my AH to feel the consequences of his choice to not find recovery. Given the fact that you have made this decision speaks volumes in how far you have come in your recovery. Be proud that you are being so brave. Hug your kids and know that they need you to be strong.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
(((HUGS)))
It's really hard for me to think about Father's Day this year. My bio-dad turned me into the ACoA I am today, and I was determined not to let my child be an ACoA, so my 12-year relationship just left May 9th. I understand where you're coming from. Most of the time together has been pretty good, but that disease is not welcome in my home.
I still love the man, but I do not love the disease. Protecting my child from this disease was the best thing I could think of to do for him. And in the process, myself.
If you're having to hear the words "let me come back" fairly often, you may need to set a boundary for your communications. It's difficult to remain steadfast in your resolve when you hear opposition all the time.
Hang in there.
It's been a much happier and more peaceful home since I made this decision. I hope you find that for yourself and your children, too.
It's really hard for me to think about Father's Day this year. My bio-dad turned me into the ACoA I am today, and I was determined not to let my child be an ACoA, so my 12-year relationship just left May 9th. I understand where you're coming from. Most of the time together has been pretty good, but that disease is not welcome in my home.
I still love the man, but I do not love the disease. Protecting my child from this disease was the best thing I could think of to do for him. And in the process, myself.
If you're having to hear the words "let me come back" fairly often, you may need to set a boundary for your communications. It's difficult to remain steadfast in your resolve when you hear opposition all the time.
Hang in there.
It's been a much happier and more peaceful home since I made this decision. I hope you find that for yourself and your children, too.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to Sober Recovery, you have found a really great place with lots of experience, strength, and hope (ES&H) from people who have been or are where you are now. So, as another member here says, 'pull up your keyboard' and join us.
He is not the man you loved or thought you loved. Alcoholism has taken that person, probably forever. Even if he does find recovery, and works hard on himself he may not return to the person he was, he will be different but hopefully better.
What are you doing for YOU? besides asking him to leave. Being on both sides of the coin, both a recovering alcoholic for many years, and a recovering codie for almost as many, I found that when I found myself in the same situation again, sober (married to an alcoholic who was sober, but changed addictions to becoming a chronic gambler) that I need AlAnon as much as I had needed AA.
I would like to suggest that you try some Alanon meetings, at least 6 or so to find one or two that you 'feel' like they 'fit' you. I would also suggest that you get a copy of Melodie Beattie's book "Co Dependent No More", available very reasonably at Amazon.
If Alanon doesn't seem to be your 'cup of tea' so to speak, please try and find a counselor that specializes in addictions, and many have fees that are on a 'sliding scale' thankfully, since living with an A seems to play he!! with one's finances.
When you get a chance, do some reading around this forum, read the 'stickys' at the top of the forum, there is an awful lot of excellent information there.
Please continue to post and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Again, welcome.
Love and hugs,
how hard it was for me to separate the alcoholism from the person that I love.
What are you doing for YOU? besides asking him to leave. Being on both sides of the coin, both a recovering alcoholic for many years, and a recovering codie for almost as many, I found that when I found myself in the same situation again, sober (married to an alcoholic who was sober, but changed addictions to becoming a chronic gambler) that I need AlAnon as much as I had needed AA.
I would like to suggest that you try some Alanon meetings, at least 6 or so to find one or two that you 'feel' like they 'fit' you. I would also suggest that you get a copy of Melodie Beattie's book "Co Dependent No More", available very reasonably at Amazon.
If Alanon doesn't seem to be your 'cup of tea' so to speak, please try and find a counselor that specializes in addictions, and many have fees that are on a 'sliding scale' thankfully, since living with an A seems to play he!! with one's finances.
When you get a chance, do some reading around this forum, read the 'stickys' at the top of the forum, there is an awful lot of excellent information there.
Please continue to post and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.
Again, welcome.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Chicago IL
Posts: 117
yes, I will pull up my keyboard, and join in.
I appreciate your comment Laurie, that he is a changed person. I trust my HP (God for me) that whoever he is and whoever I am, He will get each of us through.
I understand and have mostly accepted the fact that God brought me an alcoholic, so that I could find God. However, I wish there were an easier way.
Thanks skipper for pointing out the communication boundary. I should have seen that for what it was when I was putting it in motion. I sent him an email yesterday telling him that when we are together for the few minutes while the kids are being transferred, I do not want to hear about how he wants to come back. Hopefully he will respect that.
I am trying to do a few things for me. This weekend, I will spend some quality time with an old girlfriend. I am spending time on SR, instead of getting lost in some tv episode. I was thankful that my kids have figured out how to kick a soccer ball back and forth on their own, while I had the chance to lay on a blanket and soak up some sun today. They in fact got tired of how lousy I was with the ball, and decided I was kicked out of such game. Darn.
I appreciate your comment Laurie, that he is a changed person. I trust my HP (God for me) that whoever he is and whoever I am, He will get each of us through.
I understand and have mostly accepted the fact that God brought me an alcoholic, so that I could find God. However, I wish there were an easier way.
Thanks skipper for pointing out the communication boundary. I should have seen that for what it was when I was putting it in motion. I sent him an email yesterday telling him that when we are together for the few minutes while the kids are being transferred, I do not want to hear about how he wants to come back. Hopefully he will respect that.
I am trying to do a few things for me. This weekend, I will spend some quality time with an old girlfriend. I am spending time on SR, instead of getting lost in some tv episode. I was thankful that my kids have figured out how to kick a soccer ball back and forth on their own, while I had the chance to lay on a blanket and soak up some sun today. They in fact got tired of how lousy I was with the ball, and decided I was kicked out of such game. Darn.
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