jennybeth

Hi there.....

I don't know, has anyone else experienced this? I really feel comfortable going to the Narcotics Anonymous meetings and am enjoying reading the Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous.

But when it comes down to "working the steps" I feel this resistance from deep inside. Like it's a bad fit, very uncomfortable, and contrived. It doesn't feel natural or like it's coming from a place of honesty when I talk or write about step 1: Admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I guess at this point I feel I've joined a cult or something. I just can't wrap my mind around step 1. Now I don't know what to do.

What do you think?

Dee74

I haven;t done the 12 steps, but I think anything new is going to be uncomfortable.
That we know it's going to be life changing can make it even more of a big deal.

Personally though I have no problem with the idea I'm powerless over alcohol or any of my other drugs of choice.

I proved my powerlessness time and again for 20 years....daily I would say never again and I'd be drunk by nightfall...

D

susanlauren

JennyBeth,
I am in AA, not NA, but I think the same principles around powerlessness apply. I didn't much like the idea of working the twelve steps. I didn't much like the idea of becoming a member of AA, and I didn't much like the idea of a Higher Power.

Problem was that I couldn't stop and stay stopped on my own. Powerless means lack of power, choice and control. If I put alcohol in me, I can't control the amount I drink. If I swear off, sooner or later, I go back to drinking again. If lack of power is my problem, then the solution is finding a power greater than myself that can solve my problem for me.

Are you able to control the amount you use? Every single time? If you swear off, are you able to stay stopped on your own? Or do you go back to using again? Those are the key questions in determining powerlessness.
Susan

Mark75

Are you, powerless?

jennybeth

Admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives have become unmanageable.This will be an examination of the two words "powerless" and "unmanageable." I can feel resistance deep down inside me to admitting to myself that either of these words apply to me. Yet I know logically they must be so because my [dual diagnosis] ended up in one year and a half of homelessness. Of being a real homeless person, not someone crashing on a friend's couch, some crazy street ghost with nowhere to live. I think the word "unmanageable" applies best here, also this applies to a very low bottom for an addict, for myself.

I don't know how "powerless" I was over my decision to go to Humboldt County. I wrestle with this as it applies to having abandoned my daughter. I know I was having psychotic symptoms since at least the October (2008) before I left. It seems I was powerless over that in the same way I'm powerless to say no to myself if there's Vicodin in the house. It's the burning desire, the irresistable impulse to use, same thing. This is the "powerless." That impulse. If there are drugs, painkillers, in the house, I will take them till their gone as they comfort me regardless of how they are prescribed. Another addict asked me how much control I have over my using. I'd have to say zero because of this. Powerless.

The "unmanageable" part comes from the low bottom I reached. Once I hit Arcata/Eureka I bottomed out completely. I had 6 (7?) misdemeanor charges against me. Stealing, and assault. Assault? Me? Unmanageable. For I was probably under the influence though I wasn't half the time. Still, my life became THAT unmanaged and unmanageable. Homeless, jailed for assault. Unmanageable.

Now I get it. I'm going to forget though so I'll keep working on it.

Admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

Anna

Hi Jenny,

I'm not an AA person, but I know that I am powerless over alcohol. It was stopping drinking and beginning to recover that gave me back my power. It sounds like you've been through a lot and I hope you do whatever you need to in order to find peace in your life.

reggiewayne

Hey. I understand where you are coming from. When we look at the steps we don't see how they will work. I could kind of see how admitting I was an alcoholic would be helpful but the stuff about coming to believe, and turning my life over, and inventory, and ammeds, etc... I was pretty sure that stuff wouldn't work for me. Sure, it might work for the other people - the spiritual ones - but for me? No way...

That is the opinion of almost every (if not every) person new to AA. Think about it, if the steps made sense we would have done them long ago. If the steps were something that we thought would help us, we would have done them long ago...

We don't know what the steps will do UNTIL WE DO THEM. We don't know what we'll get out of them until we do them either. My advice to you, is to just do them. Go against your better judgement and just do them. Find a sponsor and go for it. What do you have to lose?

When I came to AA is was pretty sure I was screwed. I was pretty sure that I was destined to drink like I had been for years and the best I was probably going to do was to somehow manage the alcoholic beast inside of me. The good news is, I was wrong. AA removes the problem. It doesn't fix the problem or tame the problem, it actually removes it. It does take work on our part, but the work I have put into AA (even though it's been substantial) pails in comparison to the work I put into being an alcoholic.

The steps work, but we have to work them.

Best of luck!

wpainterw

Sounds to me like you're working the first step. That first step may be the most important. See if you can find yourself a congenial sponsor with some sobriety. You may find some aspects to NA or AA which seem uncongenial or difficult. But there's plenty of good stuff and if you try to take advantage of that, as well as the companionship, you'll probably find a whole new life opening up for you. So seek out the good stuff in AA and try not to get turned off if you find a few bumps in the road. Good luck.

W.

Boleo

Spiritual Principles don't need to make sense to get results. Let the results convince you this stuff works. That's why it's done in small steps.

richard7

The first few AA meetings I went to I had the same feeling because I was not into God or religion. I felt uncomfortable listening to everyone talk about spirituality and a higher power. In me I attributed the lack of comfort to knowing that I needed to do this and that it was not going to be easy...That there would be sadness and pain involved in getting to the other side of the river...to reach sobriety.

I guess what got me into the Steps and past my comfort zone was my complete desparation. I was willing to do whatever it took to be sober.

I looked around the rooms and everyone that was happy and sober said that they did it the same way. They went to meetings on a regular basis, they all had sponsors that they talked to every day and they all worked the 12 Steps.

I did not become a spritual person overnight, nor did I lose that lack of comfort in a week. As soon as I started doing what these people said though my life started getting better. It becomes much easier to believe in a higher power when good things start happening.

Keep going to meetings and find someone that you like to hear speak and see if they will get coffee with you after a meeting to discuss your feelings. Sobriety is a gift from God and AA and it is our duty as members to give it back to the newcomer.

Good luck to you. I hope that you keep coming back and start working the steps. Your life will get better.

jennybeth

Thank you all so much for being encouraging and not ridiculing me. I've only been met with kindness in Narcotics Anonymous. Thanks!

mubu

Hi jennybeth,

I still have yet to get to a meeting. I have found a few women's only meetings in my area, and I am going to try one of those.

Good luck!
Mubu

omegasupreme

Thank God that you can't wrap your mind around step 1, see, my main problem centers in my mind, not in my body. I suffer from a physical allergy to drugs and alcohol, whenever I put them in my body I have no clue when I will stop or where it will take me. I go to smoke 1 joint and end up smoking a bale of that stuff, I go to do one line and end up doing the whole eight ball. I drink one beer and end up...well you get the picture...so just don't drink and drug no matter what right? WRONG!

See, if you are like me, then you have a mind that continuously takes you back to your drug of no choice, notice the wording, no choice, if I could choose not to put that stuff back in my body every time I would not need to come to NA and work the steps...I would not need to get connected to a Power greater than myself.

More exists though, see, I suffer from something a little deeper than just mind and body, I suffer from a deep rooted spiritual ailment, or malady as we call it. That is the unmanageability, not the external stuff, sure my external world was unmanageable, but it was that internal unmanageability that causes my sick mind to say something like this, "Omega, a little bumpypoo of that cocaine will make that dis-ease go away." OR "A handful of that Valium and codone will calm you down a bit." That unmanageabilty comes in so many forms, trouble in personal relationships, couldn't control my emotional nature, prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to others, we were full of fear...and so on, one other set that described me well we refer to as The Four Horsemen, terror, bewilderment, frustration, and despair...they stayed on my tail for a while, mainly until I got into the steps and got connected to that Power.

Growth does not always feel comfortable, after all, the Truth, the Great Reality is the biggest enemy of our disease.