Babyblue

You've all been so helpful, even if you've said things that I didn't want to hear or believe.

I have been trying to 'let go' of the RABF for some time now. And yesterday I had a nice conversation with an exBF who never had an issue with drinking.. he pretty much nailed it as to who the RABF is and he has never met the guy.....how he just has no capacity to be healthy in a relationship at this point.

And that the BF keeps me around in case he gets his **** together because he is fearful of loosing every person who comes into his life. BINGO! He is wondering why I hold on. Good question!

I don't want someone to keep me around 'just in case'. I want to be valued for what I am now in relationship.

My A was a couch surfing, no responsibility type of alcoholic as well and got tired of that life but even in his program, an intense inpatient program, he is still sorta clueless at this stage about how to relate to me in a remotely normal way. I'm a fairly low maintenance chick and if he can't deal with that then lord help him.

I guess I was under the illusion that if inpatient he'd have some capacity to be able to 'see' me better on an emotional level. Thus far I have no proof of that. Does it ever happen? I know you can't undo years of dysfunctional emotional skills in a few months stay at rehab. But every time I see 'progress' it is short lived.

I think the fragments of that fantasy I held onto so tightly are finally starting to crumble. But I still care, still love the guy. I am having a hard time stepping back.. way back.

Impurrfect

((BabyBlue))) - I still loved and cared for my XABF#3 when I left him, too. A friend of mine, many, many years ago, when I was with XABF#1, kept telling me "you deserve more of the crumbs that he is throwing you...you deserve the whole damned dinner!! He can't give you what you need/deserve, and you can't change that". Wish I had listened to her that 20-something years ago...sigh.

We can still love them, we can still care for them, but we can also start taking our own lives and happiness into our own hands and give them the dignity of living THEIR life the way they want to.

I know it's not easy, but I found, after time and working on my codie recovery, I got to a place where I loved the ex's, however I was no longer IN love...their way of life just no longer appealed to me. It may or may not happen to you, but we never know until we put some distance between us and start focusing on us.

I'm glad you've gotten to this point..that's a BIG step!!

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

Babyblue

Oh Impurrfect, you had to go and post something wonderful..

*tears*

Thanks.

I know I deserve more and better and all that. But to see someone struggling as he is, it is so hard for me to let go. Even though I know I have no control and cannot even remotely address his issues, I'm too compassionate for my own good.

fourmaggie

this recovery of ours takes time...be patient, it will come to you....

nicam

This really hit home. Funny, we've always had so many similarities in our situations, and now we're back here letting go "for real" at the same time.

I can totally relate to being kept on a string because they are afraid of being alone and/or running out of options. It's destructive to our self esteem to be just that to someone we've made a priority in our lives.

It's funny how talking to others can really put things in perspective. It's usually not what we want to hear, but...

I bet that exBF of yours, not being an addict, actually valued you as a human being, and that the two of you had an emotional connection and level of commitment you will never get with your A because he is not capable of it.

Sometimes it makes me feel better to talk to my exes, to reflect on the healthy relationships where I was loved and respected, and still am and always will be by them, even if it's just on a platonic level. The exes were all genuinely GOOD, emotionally stable, supportive guys who had their **** together, not addicts. I guess it's validating on some level that they still think I'm great, and they're way more qualified to judge (being healthy, compassionate, highly educated and successful) than XABF (who has none of the aforementioned parenthetically referenced qualities), who has completely defiled my character and used me as a sponge for all of his character defects.

We DO deserve better! MUCH better, and it's out there. I know it is.

dollydo

To be honest, I have wondered why you have continued to put your life on hold, I guess you said it all you are too compassionate, and like me, you are codependent.

Being codependent is not a healthy way to live, it keeps us stuck. I was stuck for way too long, I had to let go, I had to move forward with my life, for me. Yes, when I let go of my exabf, I still cared but I finally accepted that no matter if he ever got clean or not, this was a one way street, it was going to continue to be all about him. And that was not a healthy situation for me.

So, I bit the bullet and moved forward, best decision I have ever made for me. He is still using, been in and out of rehab another 3 times. Unfortunately, I think he will die an addict. Sad, but true.

Do what is right for you, this is your only go around in life, make it the best you can for you.

Impurrfect

(((BabyBlue))) - my codie bottom just happened to coincide with my addiction bottom...I was simply sick and tired of being miserable. I'd been a codie for as long as I can remember, and I turned to drugs to deal with it.

I'm a very compassionate person, but I've also learned that compassion includes letting someone live their own life, however bad shape their life may be. It never got better because I was around, it only dragged me down. How can I possibly help someone else, if I can't even help myself?

Yes, it hurts, yes it may feel like you're abandoning in his time of need, but he got himself INTO this shape, it's up to him to get out of it or continue spiraling down. I don't know if you've read my story (in that forum) but if you haven't you might want to. I went really far down, but I got back up, in big part, because no one was there to hold my hand, the people who truly loved me? They took a huge step back and let me fall. They showed me, by example, that life can be lived, hardships and all, without numbing out.

FWIW, XABF#1, from what little I've heard, hasn't changed a bit (he finds all kinds of women to enable him); XABF#2, don't have a clue and don't want to; XABF#3 didn't survive his addiction. Though his death saddened me, I know I couldn't have changed it. Fact is, had I stayed with him (we shared our crack addiction) I might have died before he did...many times I came close.

I am at peace with all of this, because I finally accepted that it doesn't matter what I do, what I say, they are going to do what they're going to do. I had a choice...get stuck worrying about what was going to happen to them, or get on with my own life. There's still a special place in my heart for #1 and #3, but that's where they stay...in my heart, tucked in their own special places. They no longer take up rent in my head.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

JOW9

Thank you for your post. It hit a chord with me. My xR(?)ABF returned my stuff to me - he is "in love" with another woman now - so I guess it was easy to leave me. So hard to let go tho.

eaglette

BabyBlue--

You are the first person who helped me when I came to SR. I haven't been on in a little while, but wondered how everyone's lives here had elapsed while I was away. I am so glad to hear that you are taking positive steps for yourself. You do deserve the best that life has to offer! Keep your head up.

skippernlilg

Letting go is a gift.

Tuffgirl

For me - letting go has been a process. It wasn't something that I just woke up one day and magically felt like doing. It has been months and months of slowly detaching, as I begin to see clearer each day what has really happened to my marriage. There have been periods of hope interspersed with periods of hopelessness. I see glimmers of self awareness on his part...then they fade back into anger and blame. I've wondered lately if the shame overwhelms any desire to make anything right between us again. But that may just be me projecting my own feelings onto him. He may simply still hold me responsible for the "bad marriage".

So each day that goes by that no effort is made, no contact occurs, no interest in shown, I let go a little bit more. I expect less, I get used to my own company, I go on with my life and my plans as a single person again.

I firmly believe that when one door closes, another opens. I may not be ready for that door to open yet, but when it does, I will be. My HP has plans for me and they don't include being with someone who doesn't value and appreciate me in their life. Respect your process. It's the way it should be. You are doing great!

bruingirl

Anvilhead, building on your thoughts I think that is the reason why it is just SO hard to let go. I know that I struggle a lot of times with "betrayal" because I feel like we have been on the side were we have given so much love and compassion and support for the A's; truly done so much for them and given up so much in our own lives and dealt with so much abuse. I know I certainly did.

I think we deep down keep wanting to see them miraculously one day just stick in their minds that they should give the same love and support to us and battle through the worst of times that they are facing (their addiction) just like we battled through for them. I think it hurts though when we don't see that. And we just get the same person making the same stupid decisions and taking the same useless actions. I think we become addicted to the hope that things will be different at some point, but then that point never ends up coming in most cases.

jamaicamecrazy

These posts hit home today. I am in limbo. I can't let go yet even though I know I should and I see how unhealthy that is. I was just saying to a friend of mine the following:
1.It is so important to me that others know that I did not give up on my marriage. Even though I was the first to move out and I know it was the right things to do I still have hopes and am willing to work on rebuilding. Why is that? Do I expect a medal for being the hold out?
2.It pisses me off that he is so unwilling to discuss the tough questions- do we sell the house? do we file for divorce? I don't want to say it first. And why wont he say it if he is so satisfied with the life he is living now? Does he want me around just in case?
3. Am I also keeping him around just in case he decides to seek recovery? Am I that afraid of being alone?
4.Every time I see him I am more aware of the fact that he is incapable of a healthy relationship with me or anyone else. I want more than he can give.
5.Even if he were to go into recovery, he may never want to have a relationship with me. He may never be able to have the kind of relationship I want.
So why am I still hanging on???????

Babyblue

You are all so awesome!

I cling tightly because letting go of my fantasy has been the toughest part. I know once I let that go once and for all, I can feel grounded again as I was before he came into my life.

If he were a mean S.O.B. that may make things easier. But he is such a gentle person. So much so that I make excuses for his thoughtlessness.

I want to let him live his life come what may and live mine without this pang of sadness I've had. People don't do things to you, we do things to ourselves.

Being nicer to myself and standing up for being treated better is my new outlook.

Thanks for the wonderful insight and feedback.

Many blessings.

wicked

Yes, and this might be off topic, but this is what I think I wanted from my parents. Dammit. Please love me like I love you.

Sigh.......
Babyblue, you are so thoughtful and introspective, I am glad you are finding a way out. Let go and land on solid ground, better than floating in limbo.

Beth