Recovery without AA?

Old 05-29-2011, 01:44 PM
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Recovery without AA?

I am curious about others' experiences with their alcoholic partners and recovery. I confronted my husband on Friday about his drinking and told him that I would not be able to stay in our marriage if he didn't get help for his drinking. It really didn't take much surprisingly, he agreed to quit drinking. However, he refuses to go to AA or to see an addictions counselor. I feel unconvinced that he will be able to successfully stop drinking on his own. He told me that if he quits drinking for me I have to agree to stop spending so much money, so that tells me he isn't all that serious. I plan to start going to Al-Anon meetings to get help for myself. I am scared to think about divorcing him and being on my own with two small children, but I also don't want to be married to an alcoholic anymore. He refuses to even get marriage counseling, so my hands may be tied.
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Old 05-29-2011, 01:54 PM
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Jackie, you sound so much like me a few years ago. My AH insisted that all counselors were idiots, and I went to at least 3 marriage counselors alone. I feared asking him to go because he had told me numerous times about his opinion. I finally cracked and it's probably much too late to save the marriage, but I told had to give him an ultimatum. It worked and I was very surprised that he agreed. Whatever you give him as an ultimatum has to be something you are willing to stick to, but I wish I had done this 10 years ago and maybe there would be more hope. You are a very strong person, and always remember that he most likely needs you more than you need him. Get him to counseling and good luck with getting him to see that he needs help in overcoming his addiction. I haven't succeeded with that, but counseling is sure making me see just how sick he really is. Al-anon will help you find yourself and the strength to do what you need to do for yourself.
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Old 05-29-2011, 03:07 PM
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(((Jackie))) - I can only tell you MY experience. Alcohol is not my "thing"...I'm a recovering crack addict.

I did quit, for a greater part of a year, but was soon dabbling back with the crack, maybe once a month, until it got more frequent and turned into a full-blown relapse.

I can't maintain my recovery without the help of other RA's. I did go to meetings, no longer go, but have a slew of friends I've made on here, friends and family who had let me fall on my face, figure a way to get back up, and are now very supportive as I'm working recovery.

I believe boundaries work better (at least in my case) than ultimatums. Such as "I will not continue to be around you if you continue drinking" and then sticking TO that boundary. The fact that he focused on your spending money, tells me, he's still looking for an "out". You spend money on anything (even groceries) and he'll say "see? You're still spending money, I can still drink". With my first XABF#1 (yeah, I've had 3 - slow learner), I would do what he'd ask, and he'd find something ELSE that I'd have to do before he put down the drink. It never ended.

An A who isn't ready for recovery can find anything as an excuse to drink. Good weather? drink, bad weather? drink, rough day at work? drink. Or as ((Dee)) said "any day that ended in a Y was an excuse to drink". You say something he doesn't like? drink. When he is truly ready for recovery, he will work it as if his life depends on it (it does) and will do it for himself because he really, really wants it.

The best thing for YOU to do, IMO, is find a good al-anon group, keep reading/posting here, and figure out what it is that you want from life and what is possible. You may WANT the marriage to work out, but it may not if he's not going to work at being a healthy partner. I've never been to al-anon, but have gotten a wealth of support and ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) from here. I do believe that extra f2f support can help, in that you get real-life hugs, phone numbers to call when you're having a hard time, and people that "get" what you're going through. We can live full and happy lives, despite what they are doing, it just takes some work on ourselves to get it.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 05-29-2011, 03:45 PM
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if he quits...he needs to quit for the right reasons..HIMSELF...or hits rock bottom with the line "i surrender", or "i am just sickn tired of being sickn tired"...that would be for HIM to figure out HIS OWN RECOVERY...

now you....you are SICK N TIRED..arent you?

1st things 1st
the 3 C's

you did not cause this
you can not control this
and there is NO CURE


AL ANON is for you...so much wisdom in those rooms...

step 1
we admit we are powerless over alcohol/drugs (or people, places or things)-- that our lives have become unmanageable
...yep that was me....
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Old 05-29-2011, 08:33 PM
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well this is my story, except I am over a year past the "you need to GET HELP or GET OUT" stage...which he did quit drinking for one whole year! But, for me the emotional and verbal abuse got worse and worse each day...then one day he hit me! because I found out his secret of texting other women.

So now it's been a couple months with the OFP in place and while life isn't easy being a single mom, its 100x's better without him in our lives!!! My kids will only be little for a "season" it will not last forever and I know I can do it..and so can you!
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Old 05-29-2011, 10:11 PM
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I am in the same boat. It is not easy being a mom to 2 small girls but the peace I bought by leaving is worth it. I still have my crazy days but SR is really helping. We are here for you! My experience was that AH bargained for quitting too. "If I quit for x months then I get to....." Or "I quit for x months so that proves I don't have a problem." I may be wrong but it does not sound like he is realizing he has a problem...yet. Take care of you and those precious babies and try to let him manage his own issues while you figure things out.
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Old 05-30-2011, 04:55 AM
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Recovery without AA?

My husband has been sober 8 years but has no program. He did try aa. (don't know how many meetings he went to) He says the only time he thought about drinking beer was when he was at a meeting because that's what they talked about.

I've only gone to a couple open aa meetings and didn't like the particular ones I'd gone to because it seemed to be a rehashing of drunkenness and why do I need someone to describe what goes on at home?

It was only when he was ready to quit for himself that he finally quit.
I'm truly thankful for having a sober husband yet sometimes feel things could be even better if he did have program.
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Old 05-30-2011, 05:44 AM
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For my bio-father and my recent live-in partner, I found out that the reason a 12-step program is so helpful for the alcoholic is not necessarily the quitting drinking part. It helps them learn to live sober. Taking their sobriety to a whole new level and learning to live life to its fullest is the value of AA.

My boyfriend chose to do what your AH is trying to do now. Sure, he quit drinking. But, he still lived the behavior of an alcoholic (a dry drunk). Pretty soon, it was too overwhelming for him, and he started drinking again. He has since moved out, and he has communicated with me occasionally. He is miserable. I think if he finds AA, he may find his salvation. That's up to him.

For my side of the road, I have been attending Al-anon, reading Al-anon books, and getting a closer relationship with my HP. I feel healthy and like I'm on the right path now. Getting my physical health back to normal has been a challenge. It now looks like we have the right balance of health going forward in my home.

I wish you peace.
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Old 05-30-2011, 07:03 AM
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Originally Posted by skippernlilg View Post
For my bio-father and my recent live-in partner, I found out that the reason a 12-step program is so helpful for the alcoholic is not necessarily the quitting drinking part. It helps them learn to live sober. Taking their sobriety to a whole new level and learning to live life to its fullest is the value of AA.

My boyfriend chose to do what your AH is trying to do now. Sure, he quit drinking. But, he still lived the behavior of an alcoholic (a dry drunk). Pretty soon, it was too overwhelming for him, and he started drinking again. He has since moved out, and he has communicated with me occasionally. He is miserable. I think if he finds AA, he may find his salvation. That's up to him.

For my side of the road, I have been attending Al-anon, reading Al-anon books, and getting a closer relationship with my HP. I feel healthy and like I'm on the right path now. Getting my physical health back to normal has been a challenge. It now looks like we have the right balance of health going forward in my home.

I wish you peace.
My EXABF also chose the same path-no AA because,according to him, he "does not want to be in the same room day after day with te same toxic people." Sure, I could retort back, saying that he is one of those toxic people....but I didn't I let him choose his own path. He was a dry drunk, still is and IMHO, still in denial over all of it. Again, I have to accept that.

Like you skippernlilg, I attend Al-Anon - have been all along which has been my salvation. Without the program, meetings, friends, I could not have done this.

My health has suffered in the fact that I have gained over 40lbs and slowly, the right way, I am working it off. It's a struggle - the weight, missing the EX, but knowing that I can't force a solution - for him-he has to find his own way in the world I only work on myself.
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