BenJamine

I'm worried about my wife's drinking. Is that enough for this to be a problem?

She often chain-drinks wine or beer and becomes what I call subtly tyrannical, holding me or the kids hostage to something she wants to do (e.g. control the TV, make me take her gambling until all hours of the night under the threat of her being mad at me if I don't, making me buy her more wine under the same threat, etc.). And when she says mad, she means "make my life miserable."

She's on SSRI's (antidepressants). I think this interaction gives her like super drinking powers. The drug greatly delays the falling-down-drunk affects of the alcohol but while allowing her disposition to change in this tyrannical way. It also allows her to keep going and going for several drinks.

I often - especially when she made me take her gambling - feel like I'm being held hostage. I would let her go alone, but I don't feel comfortable just leaving her without my protection. She tends to act overly friendly which sometimes gives men the wrong idea. So I just stand there, or sit there, exhausted, while I wait for her to get done while I worry that the kids are ok at home (teenager and special needs tween).

I think the fact that we have a special needs kid contributes to her drinking. She seems to think God did this to HER (we are actually Bible-believing Christians, believe it or not, but humans are humans, believers or not. So we're totally depended on the mercy of God).

I don't know what to do. I've been through my own 12-step program (unsuccessfully) and so I have my own issues and guilt. I think if I were on the outside looking in, I would know. But in this position, I don't other than just take it or wait until things become dangerous so that it is obviously a problem.

lillamy

Welcome to SR!

I think, somehow, you know the answer to your own question. Your wife's drinking has created a situation where you don't have control over your life anymore. Your wife's drinking has led to a situation where you and your children do things you don't want to to appease her. Do you think that's enough to be concerned?

I don't know what 12-step program you have been through, but I would definitely recommend Al-Anon. Also, the sticky posts on this board have a wealth of information and support. And please, keep reading. You will find people who are exactly where you are, questioning whether the "problem" is only in their head. The fact that you're asking the question, I think, means you know the answer is "no, it really IS a problem."

Seren

Hi Ben, Welcome to SR!!!!

Sounds like you and your precious kids have to walk around on eggshells. Since you have been through a 12-step program, have you heard of the 3C's: you did not Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure her. You and your children have the right to a stress-free, peaceful, and happy life.

Please consider going to Al-Anon meetings in your area. Face-to-face support can be invaluable, and you and your children deserve for you to stand up for yourself and them and protect them from the tyrrany.

Keep reading, keep asking questions.....we do understand!

HG

barb dwyer

Welcome!

I hope you'll read the stickies at the top of the forum,
and maybe look into seeking support in real life
while you learn your way around SR.

There's plenty of men who post here regularly as well
just in case you might be thinking you've entered a henhouse.

And I'm sure they'll be along in a while to welcome you to the forum.

Your wife doesn't drink because God gave her a special needs child.


We don't need a reason to drink.
We drink because we're alcoholics.

It sounds like a terrible situation
and I'm glad to see you here '
seeking support and experience.

BenJamine

We talked a little just now. Her life is small because we made a decision for her to stay home with the kids. I told her to get a job.

BenJamine

Sorry, I had to hit enter because she was coming downstairs. I don't think her knowing I was posting here would go over too well.

Anyway, she also said we aren't socially compatible because she likes to party and be social and I really don't.

I guess I should just let it go.

But is that a bad thing? The incompatibility? Is this the beginning ofnthe end? Will she divorce me over this? I'm a little worried now.

Cyranoak

It's not subtle. It's tyranny. Read the stickies at the top of this forum page, read Codependant No More by Melanie Beatty, and give Alanon a try (keep an open mind, go to at least six meetings, some different, and see how it works for you).

Good luck.

Cyranoak

SSIL75

You sound like you've lost yourself, Benjamine.

Were you in Al-Anon?

SteppingUp

Hi and welcome BenJamine,

I know what it's like to have to walk on eggshells around a drinking wife. It's an awful place to be.

I think that this is a very common ploy of the drinker to keep you engaged and off balance. As long as she keeps you in that place then she doesn't have to change a thing.

It comes in many forms:
"Don't be such a downer"
"You just don't know how to have fun"
"You're just a stick-in-the-mud"
... the list goes on.

This is just another way to hold you hostage.

Also please be aware that anti-depressants do not give a person "super drinking powers". Mixing alcohol with anti-depressants can increase depression, increase the intoxicating effects of alcohol and increase the intensity of side effects.

Your wife is going to do what she's going to do and you can't control it. The most important thing is for you to take care of yourself. Actually, it's the only thing you can do to help her.

Please do get to an Al-Anon meeting and do read "Codependent No More" and "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews.

Please stick around here. This is a wonderful place with extremely knowledgeable folks who are here for you.

m1k3

Welcome to SR. I don't know your situation but it sounds very familiar.

Pay attention to what your gut is telling you. If something doesn't feel right then it probably isn't.

Remember that her problems are her problems. The 3 c's are very important here.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

Focus on your own recovery/serenity.

Post and read here often. I have only been here a short while myself but I feel like I have found a new family. There is a lot of wisdom and strength to be found here.

MayaandMe

Welcome BenJamine!
I am glad you are here. If you want to make a change in yourself, you are at the right place. My exabf decided to keep drinking and partying. I chose something different for our daughter and myself. I tried for a long time to control, manipulate, force, coerce etc. him into thinking, feeling and acting the way I wanted him to. When I took the focus off him and looked at me, my life started to get better.
Stick around, SR is a great place.

BenJamine

No, I've never been to Al-Anon.

I'll keep reading here. I'm really having a hard time understanding what is going on and even what some people here are saying.

I've never thought of myself as codependent, and I know exactly what that is. Could I have become sucked into it without realizing?

Is it really a bad thing? Wow. This is weird.

m1k3

One of the bad things about this disease is that it happens very gradually and you don't see whats going on until you yourself have been caught very deeply into the whole warped situation.

The fact that you have found this site and are posting here should give you a clue.

Yes it is that bad!

mattmathews

When your spouse says "We're socially incompatible," and you think "Is this the beginning of the end?", that might be a sign that you're codependent. Or something. I know that I was in such a "reactive" mode with my alcoholic wife that I got to the point where I couldn't even talk with her without getting all wound up. She would say something and I'd either feel defensive, or angry or hurt. And I knew exactly how to push her buttons too.
Al-Anon helped me, and a year later I'm in a much better place. Much more detached, and when I feel defensive, angry or hurt I'm able to put those feelings, those reactions, aside and just talk. It does help that my wife is also in recovery...but I believe that Al-Anon can help whether your partner is drinking (drugging) or not.

BenJamine

That sounds so foreign and un...marriagey to me. It sounds like a connection between the husband and wife is lost. I mean aren't we supposed to feel our spouse's pain? empathize, so we can not continuento hurt one another?

Anyway, she has now told me she has a high social need and only gets it a few times a year when we go out. And now she thinks I can't stand her - the one person that needs to be there for her and make her feel safe. This is why she doesn't want to go bar hopping with the girls. I feel so bad for making her feel that way.

Now she won't talk to me any more about it while she "adjusts her mind to the fact that she has decided we are never going out again. That sounds like a recipe for lots of resentment toward me and I don't want that.

I feel like I broke our relationship by being too selfish over her behavior.

LaPinturaBella

Ben...I hate o say this, but she is doing exactly what alcoholics do. They shift the blame for their problems, their addictions to their significant other. You didn't do a damn thing to make her drink. She drinks because she's an alcoholic and that's the only real reason. As long as you buy into the blame, nothing will change, it will only get worse.

Also, detachment does not mean losing a connection or not caring. It means focusing on your mental well being and your life and NOT living for or through her. empathy is a good quality, bit not when it becomes a detriment to your own peace of mind, serenity and happiness.

Please try Al-Anon, it will make things clearer and it will help you.

MeredithD1

+1 !! meaning, I add my vote to it - and to other posts, above, made by other people who are in the Al-Anon/AA journey.

SSRI's are Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, meaning that they keep the synapses in the brain from taking back up the serotonin that's been released, which leaves more serotonin in the bloodstream. (The first part of the synapse releases serotonin and other neurotransmitters, and the second part of the synapse is what takes the neurotransmitters, back up again.) The SSRI/inhibitor, inhibits the second part of the synapse from taking back up some of the serotonin released in the first half. Serotonin levels then go up in the bloodstream. Serotonin is supposedly a calming "feel-good" neurotransmitter, so more of it in the bloodstream is supposed to mean that one is able to feel better.

As my AH's (alcoholic husband's) therapist told him, SSRI's and Alcohol DO NOT MIX. It is a volatile combination. Unpredictable.

You sound to me like you are doing your best to fit the definition of Good Husband, as you understand it. It sounds to me like she is twisting your good intentions so she can do what isn't healthy for either of you.

There's a lot of good information here. Welcome to SR!

LifesALongSong

Ben,

First welcome to these boards !

Lot of folks here have good insight and can relate to the very same issues.

I myself and kids aboarded this "crazy train" we call alcoholism. Not by choice, but we got a ticket to ride this thing. We got sucked into this sickness with out even knowing. We are just passengers on it. My wife is the conductor leading this train wreck. As passengers of this train we think we can slow it down because our heart thinks it can do something. Slowly we are finding out that the train throttle is rusted and at full speed and no amount of love in this world can loosen this throttle. Till the conductor of this train decides to pull the brake cord will this train stop. But the conductor does'nt care about its passengers because the conductor is controled by this sickness The conductor does not listen to the pleas the passengers are saying to stop this train. The conductor is only concerned about the speed and that is it. So as passengers we have to decide if we want to still ride or jump before it wrecks. Some other passengers have jump off this speeding train. They all have had safe landings. Truthfully, I'am half hanging on and half out on this train as phone poles wiz by me a few feet away. I know when I do decide to jump from this train it will only hurt for the moment and we will be able to carry on safely. Hopefully then if ever will the conductor realizes that she's got no passengers will she stop the train ?

My story is not about us getting divorce at the present time. Its mostly about us getting mentally detached from this sickness first and so we can have clearer thoughts to make the correct decision that our needed !

Take Care !

lillamy

And isn't marriage supposed to be a two-way street? Is she feeling your pain when she's guilting you into doing things you don't want to. Is she empathizing with your children when she's holding them hostage?

I'm a Bible-thumping Christian, too. I spent years doing what I thought God would have me do: Save my marriage. What I finally figured out that when I thought I was being a godly wife, all I did was being proud: I wasn't going to admit that my husband's alcoholism was beyond what I was capable of handling. I was displaying pride, the original sin, when I was staying in an alcoholic marriage being a martyr, look at me, look what a good Christian woman I am, look what I am capable of putting up with, not like the rest of those slackers who leave their marriages for no good reason whatsoever...

So... ask yourself, when you wonder about whether you're being a good husband -- is she being a good wife? Or did she already break the marriage contract?

fourmaggie

*waves* WELCOME! to the wisdom of ALL my friends here.......so much wisdom here