What I Still Want
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
What I Still Want
I broke down crying after reading Shellcrusher's Filed Divorce thread today - not because he has decided to delay any decision - god, I completely understand that, went through that, struggled with beating myself about not being able to do that sooner - but because of this:
It has made me realize that I still want some sort of acknowledgement from XAH. Not the 1/2-azzed admittance, still-blaming-me-for-everything that XAH gave in court.
Please don't think I'm lumping Shellcrusher with XAH. I'm not. I just really, really want to hear from XAH something about his abuse along the lines of what Shellcrusher has been honest enough to write here about his anger. God, I want to hear XAH say he wants help. I want XAH to say it wasn't right to do what he did and that he never should have done it with DS in the house, much less in the same room.
I want him to say in all sincerity and truthfulness that he wants to get help so he doesn't do the same thing over and over again in front of our son, that he doesn't want to teach our son to do to women what he has done to me.
I do not believe I will ever get that. Or IF I ever do, it will be so far in the future, that I will hopefully no longer be waiting for it.
Today, I am an overly emotional mess. I acknowledge that and I am trying to focus on other stuff, but... Last night was hell. I was unable to get to sleep, despite meds, until after 4 am. Freaked out when my cat pushed the door to my room open; got up and closed and locked all the windows - which in turn made the house stuffy and uncomfortable to be in. When I did get to sleep, it was filled with nightmares of XAH, abuse and death.
I was talking with a friend about the absolutely horrid dreams and that I was afraid they might actually happen one day. She told me "Sweety, he would NEVER do that. You're making stuff up. Yes, he threatened you with a bat and he may have killed your cat, but that was how many years ago? I don't think he would ever do that. If he was going to do that, he would have done it a long time ago. He has never hit you or held a knife to you or pointed a gun at you." and "It would have been r- if he had walked next door and into some one else's house, but..." "You should be further along than this. I wish you would decide to heal."
If there is a plus side in these crappy few days, it's:
I don't know what I'm asking - or if I'm even asking anything. I guess I'm just waiting for my sister to get back so I can talk with her and hope she can talk me back from the edge of insanity.
Originally Posted by Shellcrusher 
I was a fighter and I was very good at it. I'm no longer a fighter or a violent person but I still have major anger issues. I can not reject my wife's claims that I intimidate her. That is no quack on her part. I always knew this and I have been working on it with my therapist. I just never really saw myself until last night. I did it to my AW, I did it to her mom and I did it while my son was around and I'm not okay with any of that. Most of my therapy time deals with working on detachment and reclaiming myself due to how my wife's drinking has affected me. I can tell you all right now that I will be making a course correction with my therapist. We only now started to touch on my real problems and I will work with her to work on my anger.
Please don't think I'm lumping Shellcrusher with XAH. I'm not. I just really, really want to hear from XAH something about his abuse along the lines of what Shellcrusher has been honest enough to write here about his anger. God, I want to hear XAH say he wants help. I want XAH to say it wasn't right to do what he did and that he never should have done it with DS in the house, much less in the same room.
I want him to say in all sincerity and truthfulness that he wants to get help so he doesn't do the same thing over and over again in front of our son, that he doesn't want to teach our son to do to women what he has done to me.
I do not believe I will ever get that. Or IF I ever do, it will be so far in the future, that I will hopefully no longer be waiting for it.
Today, I am an overly emotional mess. I acknowledge that and I am trying to focus on other stuff, but... Last night was hell. I was unable to get to sleep, despite meds, until after 4 am. Freaked out when my cat pushed the door to my room open; got up and closed and locked all the windows - which in turn made the house stuffy and uncomfortable to be in. When I did get to sleep, it was filled with nightmares of XAH, abuse and death.
I was talking with a friend about the absolutely horrid dreams and that I was afraid they might actually happen one day. She told me "Sweety, he would NEVER do that. You're making stuff up. Yes, he threatened you with a bat and he may have killed your cat, but that was how many years ago? I don't think he would ever do that. If he was going to do that, he would have done it a long time ago. He has never hit you or held a knife to you or pointed a gun at you." and "It would have been r- if he had walked next door and into some one else's house, but..." "You should be further along than this. I wish you would decide to heal."
If there is a plus side in these crappy few days, it's:
- I'm getting closer to being able to change the channel on my nightmares. This time all I did was replay over and over and over different variations of the same, but I was able to reset the dream a few times, and each time I got a little further away from him to safety than before and at the last reiteration, was able to not ditch DS in my effort to get safe.
- I was able to acknowledge that my friend meant to help but I was still able to get mad and stood up for myself. I told her that I would not let her discount my fears, which, even factoring in the PTSD, I feel are completely valid and that he is very much capable of doing everything that was done in my nightmares. He has in fact already done many of the things, if not the final scene that my mind kept morphing and replaying. Do I believe he will do them today or tomorrow? No. But he is capable, and I fear the day his relationship with his GF falls apart.
- I was able to tell her that I said No. It doesn't matter that I was his wife. I said no and my no means just as much as a stranger's no would.
- I have learned I cannot talk to this friend, even if she is a DV survivor herself, about XAH or my struggles to cope with PTSD, depression or the r-s.
I don't know what I'm asking - or if I'm even asking anything. I guess I'm just waiting for my sister to get back so I can talk with her and hope she can talk me back from the edge of insanity.
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Yes, she is trying to help. But I'm sorry. Oh yay! We should be so grateful! What she's missing is one word there: YET
That is the worst kind of help possible. Minimizing your fear, and worse, minimizing your right to your experience of having lived in an abusive marriage. That is not helpful.
You know when we, you and I both, will get that acknowledgement of wrongdoing from our Xs? When they truly find recovery. Not before. And I'm right there with you. What I think we need to do is trust our own knowledge about where we've been and what we've experienced, and lean on the support of others who say, "the way he treated you constituted ABUSE and was WRONG."
I think we have to accept that we might never hear it from their lips.
And I wish I had a magic wand against that beast insomnia.
Gelato. Next week. (((hugs)))
"He has never held a knife to you or pointed a gun at you."
That is the worst kind of help possible. Minimizing your fear, and worse, minimizing your right to your experience of having lived in an abusive marriage. That is not helpful.
You know when we, you and I both, will get that acknowledgement of wrongdoing from our Xs? When they truly find recovery. Not before. And I'm right there with you. What I think we need to do is trust our own knowledge about where we've been and what we've experienced, and lean on the support of others who say, "the way he treated you constituted ABUSE and was WRONG."
I think we have to accept that we might never hear it from their lips.
And I wish I had a magic wand against that beast insomnia.
Gelato. Next week. (((hugs)))
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
wow.
nothing like reading a self - portrait of hypervigilance.
I knew what you were going to say
before I read it.
You got the steps of it down just like they happen.
And like you apparently -
when I get that way -
something like melatonin is like putting a bucket of chlorine
in the great lake and calling it purified.
well written.
nothing like reading a self - portrait of hypervigilance.
I knew what you were going to say
before I read it.
You got the steps of it down just like they happen.
And like you apparently -
when I get that way -
something like melatonin is like putting a bucket of chlorine
in the great lake and calling it purified.
well written.
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Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 26
You can't "decide to heal" just like that. Its a process. That's just absolutely ridiculous she said that. Ridiculous!
You will have triggers, you will have memories, you will have moments or a smell or something that brings it back in a flood. Plus, you are getting help. The nights like last night will become less. The triggers will end up with a shorter turn around time. It will become less.
Definitely stop speaking to her about these issues. Come here and speak to us or your therapist or your alanon. Or journal.
As for the apology. No, you won't ever get one. He can't give you that. He can never, ever give you a good enough apology to make what he did okay. Because you are worth more than what he did to you and no matter how clean/sober/in recovery he ever is, its just not possible to apologize that way. But think for a second, maybe shellcrusher's post was a way of your HP reaching out to you. To show you what a remorseful man looks like so that you can have one horrid night like last night, wake up today and realize "i will never get that apology the way I want...now how to I want to live my life knowing this"
Because its about you. Not about the apology.
Keep posting, I know it sounds crazy, but I think you are doing great.
You will have triggers, you will have memories, you will have moments or a smell or something that brings it back in a flood. Plus, you are getting help. The nights like last night will become less. The triggers will end up with a shorter turn around time. It will become less.
Definitely stop speaking to her about these issues. Come here and speak to us or your therapist or your alanon. Or journal.
As for the apology. No, you won't ever get one. He can't give you that. He can never, ever give you a good enough apology to make what he did okay. Because you are worth more than what he did to you and no matter how clean/sober/in recovery he ever is, its just not possible to apologize that way. But think for a second, maybe shellcrusher's post was a way of your HP reaching out to you. To show you what a remorseful man looks like so that you can have one horrid night like last night, wake up today and realize "i will never get that apology the way I want...now how to I want to live my life knowing this"
Because its about you. Not about the apology.
Keep posting, I know it sounds crazy, but I think you are doing great.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Please contact your local DV center and ask for help of a DV Therapist. A good DV therapist can help you to move on.
I will say though your friend may have been well meaning and has suffered DV herself and has moved on, she does not understand the total ramifications of DV and the PTSD that follows and the FEAR that can stay or 'pop up' for years.
I do believe a DV stherapist could help yo with this so that you start to get some peaceful dreams instead of the nightmares of the 'possibles' that you are dealing with now.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I will say though your friend may have been well meaning and has suffered DV herself and has moved on, she does not understand the total ramifications of DV and the PTSD that follows and the FEAR that can stay or 'pop up' for years.
I do believe a DV stherapist could help yo with this so that you start to get some peaceful dreams instead of the nightmares of the 'possibles' that you are dealing with now.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I'm seeing a T, who specializes in DV and addictions, and a psychiatrist. I was going to DV support groups and need to get back to it. And am considering trying to find a support group for r-survivors.
I'm not entirely sure I'm doing better, but when I started seeing my T, I was dropping weight to the tune of 50 lbs in a couple months (which, honestly, I really needed to lose, but still) because I was so anxious that I lost anything I actually forced myself to eat. And if I sat still, one could visibly see me shaking. In fact, if I'd actually been able to sit or stand still whenever XAH was around, and if he wasn't suffering from the effects of a constant binge, he probably could have played the "look, she's an addict" card and they wouldn't have doubted it until they actually ordered drug tests.
I don't understand how some one can be as anxious and jittery as I was and still be as f-ing depressed as I am. Late last year, the nightmares were constant. The number of days between them is slowly increasing. Since the divorce in December, I put back on 20 lbs; actually started watching what I was eating and lost 10 of that. I have more to go, but when I'm not freaking out about dealing with XAH, I'm doing a really good job of watching what I eat and not self-medicating that way. The anxiety is usually manageable - moreso than the depression, or maybe I'm just used to feeling that way now.
Also when I'm not on edge or completely down, I consider law school for either Real Estate law (a field I kind of work in now), Native law or even possibly Family law, but that last one, I don't know. Way too emotionally charged right now.
Thank you guys, for making me look at how far I've come.
I'm not entirely sure I'm doing better, but when I started seeing my T, I was dropping weight to the tune of 50 lbs in a couple months (which, honestly, I really needed to lose, but still) because I was so anxious that I lost anything I actually forced myself to eat. And if I sat still, one could visibly see me shaking. In fact, if I'd actually been able to sit or stand still whenever XAH was around, and if he wasn't suffering from the effects of a constant binge, he probably could have played the "look, she's an addict" card and they wouldn't have doubted it until they actually ordered drug tests.
I don't understand how some one can be as anxious and jittery as I was and still be as f-ing depressed as I am. Late last year, the nightmares were constant. The number of days between them is slowly increasing. Since the divorce in December, I put back on 20 lbs; actually started watching what I was eating and lost 10 of that. I have more to go, but when I'm not freaking out about dealing with XAH, I'm doing a really good job of watching what I eat and not self-medicating that way. The anxiety is usually manageable - moreso than the depression, or maybe I'm just used to feeling that way now.
Also when I'm not on edge or completely down, I consider law school for either Real Estate law (a field I kind of work in now), Native law or even possibly Family law, but that last one, I don't know. Way too emotionally charged right now.
Thank you guys, for making me look at how far I've come.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks anvilhead.
When we make efforts to create that safe sanctuary and experience it in the outside world, we cultivate it within.
And when the outside world is chaos but we have an inner sense of peace, we start creating and seeking stuff/places/stimuli that match this inner peace.
Both worlds feed each other and once you get rolling you don't want to stop
I have started to feel this foundation within and I also feel this is what I always wanted. Roots. I believe this is also working with HP and faith.
There is nothing more HPesque than invoking that place of peace, safety and beauty.
Nothing compares to that safe sanctuary and its always available to provide comfort. Its ours and ours alone.
Investing in it is the best thing I can do for myself. I am so glad you reminded me of this anvilhead. My therapist always tells me to know myself, what I like and what I don't like. And seek often what I do like, seek it intensely and with enthusiasm. She says THAT is living, nothing else.
When we make efforts to create that safe sanctuary and experience it in the outside world, we cultivate it within.
And when the outside world is chaos but we have an inner sense of peace, we start creating and seeking stuff/places/stimuli that match this inner peace.
Both worlds feed each other and once you get rolling you don't want to stop
I have started to feel this foundation within and I also feel this is what I always wanted. Roots. I believe this is also working with HP and faith.
There is nothing more HPesque than invoking that place of peace, safety and beauty.
Nothing compares to that safe sanctuary and its always available to provide comfort. Its ours and ours alone.
Investing in it is the best thing I can do for myself. I am so glad you reminded me of this anvilhead. My therapist always tells me to know myself, what I like and what I don't like. And seek often what I do like, seek it intensely and with enthusiasm. She says THAT is living, nothing else.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
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Your post is beautifully written. My God. I feel as though I'm right there with you and my heart goes out to you.
I was never the victim of domestic violence...not the physical kind. But I was the victim of an addict/alcoholic who couldn't recognize or abide by boundaries.
He would corner me in the kitchen and block my path when he wanted to 'talk' to me or 'reason' with me about why I shouldn't be so upset about the fact that he spent his paycheck AGAIN or he was fired AGAIN or cleared our bank account AGAIN.
When I finally grew tired of his BS and threw him out of the house, he would break a window and gain entrance and I would wake up to find him standing over my bed at night. It would scare me half to death.
He just wouldn't leave me alone.
He hounded me with unwanted texts and voice mail messages.
He was relentless. Laying guilt trips on me about how he had noone else to help him in his hour of need.
Even though he is out of my home, I've woken up in the middle of the night in a panic. I get up and walk around the house looking for him because I'm sure he has broken thru another window to breach my boundaries and pressure me for money I don't have to give him.
Towards the end, there were times where I wanted him dead and I actually thought myself capable of killing him. Anything to get rid of the pressure..and the hatred that filled my heart.
I have struggled to dig my way out of this hole and yet I know it isn't nearly as deep as the one you must struggle with when you've dealt with honest-to-goodness physical abuse.
I hope you will continue to seek counseling for yourself because no one should have to live with this shadow over their head. You're a beautiful person...a beautiful soul...I see this in your writing. You have so many beautiful talents and so much love to offer this world...don't let his anger overshadow you. You deserve to shine.
Be strong.
I'm sending strength your way tonight...
Mary
I was never the victim of domestic violence...not the physical kind. But I was the victim of an addict/alcoholic who couldn't recognize or abide by boundaries.
He would corner me in the kitchen and block my path when he wanted to 'talk' to me or 'reason' with me about why I shouldn't be so upset about the fact that he spent his paycheck AGAIN or he was fired AGAIN or cleared our bank account AGAIN.
When I finally grew tired of his BS and threw him out of the house, he would break a window and gain entrance and I would wake up to find him standing over my bed at night. It would scare me half to death.
He just wouldn't leave me alone.
He hounded me with unwanted texts and voice mail messages.
He was relentless. Laying guilt trips on me about how he had noone else to help him in his hour of need.
Even though he is out of my home, I've woken up in the middle of the night in a panic. I get up and walk around the house looking for him because I'm sure he has broken thru another window to breach my boundaries and pressure me for money I don't have to give him.
Towards the end, there were times where I wanted him dead and I actually thought myself capable of killing him. Anything to get rid of the pressure..and the hatred that filled my heart.
I have struggled to dig my way out of this hole and yet I know it isn't nearly as deep as the one you must struggle with when you've dealt with honest-to-goodness physical abuse.
I hope you will continue to seek counseling for yourself because no one should have to live with this shadow over their head. You're a beautiful person...a beautiful soul...I see this in your writing. You have so many beautiful talents and so much love to offer this world...don't let his anger overshadow you. You deserve to shine.
Be strong.
I'm sending strength your way tonight...
Mary
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Anvil and TC, I've found at least one sanctuary.... I love this campground. It's of course full this weekend, but still quiet thanks to the sheltering trees between the sites. I got here rather late, drove completely around the grounds and didn't see XAH GF's car in any of the spaces, so BONUS.
My tent is so cool! Easy to set up, a cheery tangerine color that is so soothing with the AM sun glowing through. It will most definitely not be a 2-person tent when DS gets older (he'll have to sleep cross-ways, I'm sure, because he's going to be tall), but it's perfect for now.
I hate my sleeping bag though. It's a mummy bag, nice and cozy, but I was so twisted up in it this am, I think the zipper went around my legs twice to let myself out. I was definitely wrapped up like a mummy.
I definitely need to find a way to bring this sense of peace home.
Ah, some one in my Sister's camper is finally up. (What a bunch of layabeds! It's 10 am!) Time to raid the grub and get the coffee going! (may need to grab at least the coffee and keep that with me for tomorrow AM)
(Mary, big old bear hug!!!!!)
My tent is so cool! Easy to set up, a cheery tangerine color that is so soothing with the AM sun glowing through. It will most definitely not be a 2-person tent when DS gets older (he'll have to sleep cross-ways, I'm sure, because he's going to be tall), but it's perfect for now.
I hate my sleeping bag though. It's a mummy bag, nice and cozy, but I was so twisted up in it this am, I think the zipper went around my legs twice to let myself out. I was definitely wrapped up like a mummy.
I definitely need to find a way to bring this sense of peace home.
Ah, some one in my Sister's camper is finally up. (What a bunch of layabeds! It's 10 am!) Time to raid the grub and get the coffee going! (may need to grab at least the coffee and keep that with me for tomorrow AM)
(Mary, big old bear hug!!!!!)
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Sounds like a lovely morning!!!
I really appreciate Anvil's and TC999's talk about finding a sanctuary, a home, a safe place. I think that's what my week of recovery bootcamp has led me to, also: Staking out a way to finding, again, what I like. Who I am. What makes me smile. What makes me feel at home.
That's where it all needs to start.
Enjoy your campground morning!!!
I really appreciate Anvil's and TC999's talk about finding a sanctuary, a home, a safe place. I think that's what my week of recovery bootcamp has led me to, also: Staking out a way to finding, again, what I like. Who I am. What makes me smile. What makes me feel at home.
That's where it all needs to start.
Enjoy your campground morning!!!
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